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You Asked: My Mother is Driving me to Drink!

Dear Sugar--

I'm in an awkward position at 32 years old. I took my 2 year old daughter and I out of an abusive home and we are now living with my parents until the divorce is final or until I receive enough money to buy a new home. The divorce has been going on for 2 years now and my mother has been very understanding by opening her home to me.

Over the past 2 years, I have rekindled a relationship with a childhood sweetheart (been with him a year and half). Things have been rocky mainly because of my living situation. My mother insists my boyfriend is not any better than my ex husband. Despite the challenges my mother throws at us, he stands beside me and I believe my boyfriend truly loves me. Not many adult men would subject themselves to what my mother has done and said.

I leave the home and find myself constantly looking at my watch wondering if I should go home or try to enjoy what little time I do have with him. It is the same when I go see my friends or plan a play day for my daughter. If I say I'm going somewhere and happen to go additional places, she accuses me of lying. It has gotten to the point that I lie to keep the peace at the house. I feel as though my mother is trying to keep me on a choke collar. I have a hard time confronting her because she turns everything around to suit the situation for herself. She oversteps in correcting my daughter when I am home and undermines my authority. I've been to counselors that state she is over controlling and I need to take a more assertive role with her. I have attempted this and she insists that she is not going to stop because she loves me and that it is her job as a mother regardless of my age. Please help! --In a Bind Betty

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear In a Bind Betty--

Your situation sounds incredibly complicated, but I am happy to hear that you have removed yourself from a dangerous and unhappy relationship. Your mother sounds like an incredibly supportive woman, but perhaps a little too overprotective for your liking right now. While you are focusing all your energy on starting a new life, try to understand where she is coming from -- she wants to protect her little girl from harms way.

With that said, you're a grown woman - you're old enough to make your own decisions and you mother should respect that. You spent enough time sacrificing your happiness, so if this new man brings you joy, I say go for it. Live your life and don't have any regrets. You mom can't dictate your life, so try to make her understand where you are coming from. Tell her how appreciative you are of her love and support, but you need her to trust you so you can live outside her protective shield.

I understand you are still trying to get back on your feet, but it sounds like moving out of your mom's house is in order. Not only will it do wonders for your social life, but it will no doubt improve your relationship with your mom. Hang in there and good luck!

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Masqueraded_Angel Masqueraded_Angel 9 years
Girl, I have BEEN THERE. Mom was always super over-protective, and no boyfriend was good enough. So when my hubby, my son and I had to move back to Cali from NJ, we ended up staying at her house for a year or so. You can imagine how that went.My viewpoint on this is that she obviously cares, but she's also borderline controlling and over-bearing. Most likely, she doesn't want to see you hurt again, and this is her time to "get her baby back", if you will. I agree with cubadog, you need to get out of there...FAST. That's the only thing that worked for us. Get an apartment until you can get a house.
Masqueraded_Angel Masqueraded_Angel 9 years
Girl, I have BEEN THERE. Mom was always super over-protective, and no boyfriend was good enough. So when my hubby, my son and I had to move back to Cali from NJ, we ended up staying at her house for a year or so. You can imagine how that went. My viewpoint on this is that she obviously cares, but she's also borderline controlling and over-bearing. Most likely, she doesn't want to see you hurt again, and this is her time to "get her baby back", if you will. I agree with cubadog, you need to get out of there...FAST. That's the only thing that worked for us. Get an apartment until you can get a house.
cubadog cubadog 9 years
I would not wait to buy a new home. You need to get out of this situation as soon as you can. While you will always be her child SHE needs to realize you are a grown woman that needs to take care of herself and it is not her job. She is not being protective she is being over-bearing and controlling just as the counselors have told you.
fab4 fab4 9 years
I like Sugar's advice. Trying to move out as soon as possible would be my advice.
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