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You Asked: My Relationship Has Hit a Lull

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been together for two and a half years. Recently I have been feeling like our relationship is boring and there's no excitement left. I was talking to a co-worker about this and she said that after you hit the two-year mark in a relationship things just start going downhill. She also said something about it being a result of chemicals or hormones in the brain. Is this true? And if so, what can I do to get my relationship back to being fun again? I don't want to break-up.

—Bored Betty

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Bored Betty,

It sounds like you really like this guy and what your co-worker said is hogwash. Sure hormones affect our moods, but they won't make a relationship boring unless you're the one who's not putting forth any effort to make it more fun.

Relationships are as wonderful and exciting as you make them. When you first start dating someone, things are so new that you don't have time to be bored. Then after you get to know someone, you put forth less effort, stop trying to impress them (since you've already won their heart), and you get back to living your day-to-day life. So you've got to do some things to bring the spice and fire back.

One of the best things you can do is talk to your boyfriend about how you feel, and see if he's feeling the same way. Together you can figure out ways to make your relationship have more passion. Maybe you need to go on more dates, or designate one night a week to be Date Night so you always have something to look forward to. Maybe life in the bedroom could use some re-vamping. You also have to make an effort to do special things like give each other massages, or leave love notes for each other. You can't just expect things to automatically be fabulous and outstanding all the time, you've got to be the one to make it happen.

Source

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sdsunshine2119 sdsunshine2119 8 years
Grow up! That's ridiculous what your coworker said, are they 17 years old!? If you are in you mid-twenties or older you should have come to realize that relationships need working on in order to keep them alive.
sdsunshine2119 sdsunshine2119 8 years
Grow up! That's ridiculous what your coworker said, are they 17 years old!? If you are in you mid-twenties or older you should have come to realize that relationships need working on in order to keep them alive.
demonkitty18 demonkitty18 8 years
I went through this too- after 2 years, things were getting a bit dull for me and he wasn't even giving me as much attention as he used to. I thought about ending it but because I still loved him, decided to make an effort. I spoke to him about it and we both decided to make some changes like trying out new experiences, going out more often and living a little,etc. You gotta work at your relationships yknow- we've completed 4 yrs this september:)
vanillakokakola vanillakokakola 8 years
Honestly, I think you're letting what your co-worker said get into your head too much. My husband and I have been together for 2 1/2 years, and we'll hit a short little slump once in a while. We find what helps is taking the dogs for a long walk and just talking about anything - decorating our house, what we want to do tomorrow, the next vacation we want to go on, funny things that happened at work, etc. Also, when I feel like we're hitting a slump, I'll make sure we're having sex often enough. Sex helps your emotional connection, and is also an AMAZING stress reliever. Even if you're tired, there's no reason not to do it. We make sure to have sex at least 4-5 night a week, and I think it's instrumental to both our relationship's well-being, and our own personal well-being.
vanillakokakola vanillakokakola 8 years
Honestly, I think you're letting what your co-worker said get into your head too much. My husband and I have been together for 2 1/2 years, and we'll hit a short little slump once in a while. We find what helps is taking the dogs for a long walk and just talking about anything - decorating our house, what we want to do tomorrow, the next vacation we want to go on, funny things that happened at work, etc. Also, when I feel like we're hitting a slump, I'll make sure we're having sex often enough. Sex helps your emotional connection, and is also an AMAZING stress reliever. Even if you're tired, there's no reason not to do it. We make sure to have sex at least 4-5 night a week, and I think it's instrumental to both our relationship's well-being, and our own personal well-being.
erratic-assassin erratic-assassin 8 years
whatever you do, just don't go cheating. It's an easy habit to fall into when things are *boring* PLEASE PLEASE don't do that. Break up with him before you start to contemplate that thought.What a negative friend/coworker you have...be uplifting about the decisions you make if you want to make your relationship work.
erratic-assassin erratic-assassin 8 years
whatever you do, just don't go cheating. It's an easy habit to fall into when things are *boring* PLEASE PLEASE don't do that. Break up with him before you start to contemplate that thought. What a negative friend/coworker you have...be uplifting about the decisions you make if you want to make your relationship work.
lily314 lily314 8 years
Thanks, laura6567. I was just about to post a few links to various medical studies that show how neuro-chemicals change the way we feel love over time, from volatile passion to something less. The coworker is medically correct, and just because she's a pessimist, people shouldn't bash her or call what she said "hogwash." They should at least look into the matter before automatically claiming she's wrong. The world is flat, anyone? But just because the coworker's right about how the brain works, this doesn't mean couples are doomed to boring, passionless relationships after the initial highs wear off. You can build a strong and fun relationship through all of the advice given above to supplement or replace what had been driven by chemicals before. There's always hope!
starbright14 starbright14 8 years
Relationships go through all kinds of ups and downs - and after two years, it's no surprise that you're going through a lull.I would suggest doing something with your man that you haven't done before. Try something new - take a cooking class, take up a hobby, anything.Once you begin to see him in a new light, some of those old feelings might just come rushing back.
starbright14 starbright14 8 years
Relationships go through all kinds of ups and downs - and after two years, it's no surprise that you're going through a lull. I would suggest doing something with your man that you haven't done before. Try something new - take a cooking class, take up a hobby, anything. Once you begin to see him in a new light, some of those old feelings might just come rushing back.
Sherellj Sherellj 8 years
Sex is gettin boring too
Sherellj Sherellj 8 years
Sex is gettin boring too
Sherellj Sherellj 8 years
Thats advice i need!
Sherellj Sherellj 8 years
Thats advice i need!
laura6567 laura6567 8 years
Actually, dearsugar is wrong. According to BBC, hormones CAN affect how you feel about your partner. Read about it here: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/4669104.stm
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 8 years
Either your coworker is young or dumb and/or both or just frickin ignorant.:P Whatever, just don't take her word for it, if you're feeling incredulous about your relationship or as if something's lacking, talk to that other person in your relationship: your boyfriend.
Random2 Random2 8 years
Two years and things start to go downhill? I agree with Dear in that relationships are as exciting as you make them. Date night is a great idea, maybe take a trip somewhere, even if it's a city an hour away as long it's the two of you.
hotstuff hotstuff 8 years
OK first of all never ever take ANY advice from this co-worker friend ever again!!! You just need to spice up your relationship. Go on some dates and do some fun couple things. Maybe a nice little vacation would be nice!
bellanatella bellanatella 8 years
The same thing is happening to me. Haha. So, I can't really help out here.
elmendoa elmendoa 8 years
also, don't listen to the negative nancy's out there. you know what is right in your heart. relationships take work. that's all.
elmendoa elmendoa 8 years
try going to the bookstore and getting a Frommer's travel book for your hometown! they have lots of great ideas, new restaurants, local attractions, and seasonal attractions for all cities. i did this with my BF and we had a blast... :)
literatured literatured 8 years
For someone who has such a negative outlook (your co-worker) it's no wonder she feels that way! The butterflies can be there 1 year, 3 years, 5 years, etc.. of course it takes commitment, trust and love -- but those are things a relationship is based off of anyways.
emalove emalove 8 years
Oh, and I agree that Date Night is a great suggestion. Even for married couples...
emalove emalove 8 years
I don't think relationships go "down hill" after 2 years. That is absurd. If you feel like a relationship is not right and you know in your heart that you're not happy or it's not meeting your expectations, the best thing to do is end it.
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