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You Asked: One Night Stand

Dear Sugar,

I recently had a one night stand for the first time. I met him while interviewing roommates for my new apartment. It didn't work out as roomies, but he invited me to a friend's party a few weeks after our initial meeting. I showed up and we drank quite a bit. We started to make out heavily and before I knew it, we were back at my place having sex. This was totally out of character for me and I was mortified the next day. Much to my surprise, he ended up calling me a few days later asking me out to dinner. I went, but it was a bit awkward. The conversation was very one-sided (I asked questions and he talked about himself) and he seemed a little on the nervous side, though we went back at his place and made out again — this time no sex.

I can't help but feel a bit off about all of this. I have a feeling he was just trying to seem like a "nice guy," all the while trying to get some. I just got out of a really stupid relationship with a guy who I thought was my boyfriend but in the end, he just wanted regular sex, so I'm a little defensive when it comes to dating. While I admit that it was kind of my fault that I had the one night stand to begin with, how do I not paint that picture of myself even though that might be the picture he's seeing? I want something real, is that too much to ask? — Embarrassed Emily

To see DearSugar's answer

.

Dear Embarrassed Emily,

Having a one night stand doesn't make you a bad person so try not to beat yourself up about it. While it may be out of character for you, take it as a lesson learned. I understand being guarded after a breakup, but look at your situation from an outsider — this guy called you and took you on a proper date! Before assuming the worst, perhaps you should see if there's any potential here. Sure, he could just be going through the motions, but if he wasn't interested, chances are he would have just never called again.

Asking for the entire package isn't too much to ask and you shouldn't settle, so if this guy doesn't give you butterflies, someone else will; you just have to be patient. But Emily, if you're just telling yourself that he's not interested as a way to protect yourself, realize that you're not going to get very far with walls up. Gaining trust back after a breakup takes time so hang in there and try not to be so hard on yourself. You never know, this guy could end up surprising you!

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forsakenlove forsakenlove 7 years
I think any classy non sluttish guy that goes out with a girl that's had a one night stand is a complete mug because he can find better! There is guys out there that refuse all casual encounters because they want better and they deserve better. A girl or guy that's never had casual encounters is far more attractive than the type of person that would do it. She should go find a guy that's done the casual thing also. I'm through with girls like her thinking that's she's every bit as good as the good girl. Like I said I'm a not a mug. I just hope that there's a lot of good women out there that aren't female mugs either (going for bad guys). Every sluttish male friend has told me that his future girl will just accept how he's had casual sex. Good girls should wise up and good guys should stop being mugs!If you're not a well behaved guy or girl then you won't understand. I love girls with good morals and I'd wait forever for one. They're that special! I dream about meeting her.
forsakenlove forsakenlove 7 years
I think any classy non sluttish guy that goes out with a girl that's had a one night stand is a complete mug because he can find better! There is guys out there that refuse all casual encounters because they want better and they deserve better. A girl or guy that's never had casual encounters is far more attractive than the type of person that would do it.She should go find a guy that's done the casual thing also. I'm through with girls like her thinking that's she's every bit as good as the good girl. Like I said I'm a not a mug. I just hope that there's a lot of good women out there that aren't female mugs either (going for bad guys). Every sluttish male friend has told me that his future girl will just accept how he's had casual sex. Good girls should wise up and good guys should stop being mugs!If you're not a well behaved guy or girl then you won't understand. I love girls with good morals and I'd wait forever for one. They're that special! I dream about meeting her.
Janine22 Janine22 7 years
I think that it was really cool and classy of him to take you out on a date after that. Most guys would either never call you again or booty call you for a hookup. But trust your instincts about it. If you think he just wants sex, then trust your feelings. But if you really like him and he seems like a good guy, then give him a chance. Just tell him that you like him, you felt that the intimacy part happened really fast, could you slow things down a bit? If he is cool with it, he probably is looking for a gf and actually likes you. You shouldn't judge him for it, because after all, he is not judging you. Give him the same benefit of the doubt.
Janine22 Janine22 7 years
I think that it was really cool and classy of him to take you out on a date after that. Most guys would either never call you again or booty call you for a hookup. But trust your instincts about it. If you think he just wants sex, then trust your feelings. But if you really like him and he seems like a good guy, then give him a chance. Just tell him that you like him, you felt that the intimacy part happened really fast, could you slow things down a bit? If he is cool with it, he probably is looking for a gf and actually likes you. You shouldn't judge him for it, because after all, he is not judging you. Give him the same benefit of the doubt.
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 7 years
I agree with Dear. If you are interested in this guy than go for it. He had the decency to take you out after and you might want to give him the benefit of the doubt and see where things go. You don't have to get too invested in the relationship but it just might work out. If you're not at all interested in a relationship with this man now that you are sober just tell him. Explain to him that it's totally not like you to have a one night stand but you're just not interested in having a relationship with him. Don't start a friends with benefits thing with this guy if you're not sure you can handle it and from what you've said it doesn't sound like you are.
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 7 years
I agree with Dear. If you are interested in this guy than go for it. He had the decency to take you out after and you might want to give him the benefit of the doubt and see where things go. You don't have to get too invested in the relationship but it just might work out. If you're not at all interested in a relationship with this man now that you are sober just tell him. Explain to him that it's totally not like you to have a one night stand but you're just not interested in having a relationship with him. Don't start a friends with benefits thing with this guy if you're not sure you can handle it and from what you've said it doesn't sound like you are.
stumbler02 stumbler02 7 years
If you don't want to see this guy and you want something better, stop seeing him and start looking for something real. And this time I think you know better than to look for a real relationship at a party while drinking :)
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 7 years
Don't want to paint the picture? Don't put out easily with random guys.
Berlin Berlin 7 years
Sorry but if you want something "real" then don't screw a guy on the first date:) That's for having fun only.
jaxon jaxon 7 years
I had a similar situation happen to me earlier this year... Met a guy who delivers the alcohol to the restaurant I work for. We hung out a few times before doing the deed. A lot of drama occured afterward (not to do with us) and we did not talk for a while. Two months later it happened again... Now besides hi and bye we do not speak. I try to not be around when I know he is coming in... I really liked him but I tried to operate outside who I am and it did not work out... My advice is to just let it go, unless you are trying to pursue a relationship with him, there is no need to try to change his perception of you. Live and learn you are not the one nighter type..neither I am, I just realized too late
jaxon jaxon 7 years
I had a similar situation happen to me earlier this year...Met a guy who delivers the alcohol to the restaurant I work for. We hung out a few times before doing the deed. A lot of drama occured afterward (not to do with us) and we did not talk for a while. Two months later it happened again...Now besides hi and bye we do not speak. I try to not be around when I know he is coming in...I really liked him but I tried to operate outside who I am and it did not work out...My advice is to just let it go, unless you are trying to pursue a relationship with him, there is no need to try to change his perception of you. Live and learn you are not the one nighter type..neither I am, I just realized too late
Clarby Clarby 7 years
Never assume or guess ones intentions, K is so right, just ask, sure it's not as easy as it sounds but it saves so much heartache and stress of is he thinking this or does he want that. Those are questions/communication that need to be asked. Good luck with whatever you decide Emily.
K-is-For-Kait K-is-For-Kait 7 years
It seems like you judging yourself as a person because of a one night stand. Don't! Learn from it and let it go because it doesn't change who you are as a person.If you don't want to be with him or feel he's just trying to use you for the sex, be upfront with him. Trying to guess his intentions as you go along just won't work out.
K-is-For-Kait K-is-For-Kait 7 years
It seems like you judging yourself as a person because of a one night stand. Don't! Learn from it and let it go because it doesn't change who you are as a person. If you don't want to be with him or feel he's just trying to use you for the sex, be upfront with him. Trying to guess his intentions as you go along just won't work out.
Blackwood Blackwood 7 years
You're not underserving of a "whole package" relationship just because you had a one night stand, so if something about this guy really rings some alarms for you, then follow your gut instinct and don't continue seeing him just because you feel you don't deserve/aren't going to find someone better. However, if you do like him, go on and take a chance, don't let a bad experience ruin you the opportunity and ability to find new good ones (I know it's hard, but in the long road, shutting yourself out from people is only going to be worse). Like Sugar said, if he wasn't interested in you, I doubt he would have invited you to dinner, or have been okay with you not having sex with him afterwards (I believe that if it's just the sex that appeals to him, he would have been frustrated and never call you again). So if he calls again, maybe he's worth keeping around. If you're unsure about what he wants, ask him and tell him how you felt after your one night stand, that you learned that it doesn't work for you and that if he only wants sex, then you two aren't in the same page and need to go separate ways.
Blackwood Blackwood 7 years
You're not underserving of a "whole package" relationship just because you had a one night stand, so if something about this guy really rings some alarms for you, then follow your gut instinct and don't continue seeing him just because you feel you don't deserve/aren't going to find someone better. However, if you do like him, go on and take a chance, don't let a bad experience ruin you the opportunity and ability to find new good ones (I know it's hard, but in the long road, shutting yourself out from people is only going to be worse). Like Sugar said, if he wasn't interested in you, I doubt he would have invited you to dinner, or have been okay with you not having sex with him afterwards (I believe that if it's just the sex that appeals to him, he would have been frustrated and never call you again). So if he calls again, maybe he's worth keeping around. If you're unsure about what he wants, ask him and tell him how you felt after your one night stand, that you learned that it doesn't work for you and that if he only wants sex, then you two aren't in the same page and need to go separate ways.
Clarby Clarby 7 years
Emily, I have no doubt you are a good girl and trust is something that does not come easy for everyone, especially after a break up. While Dear and Kristin are right that something may come of this I will be honest and say that in general guys do not generally date girls that they sleep with early on and more so one night encounters. I will speak from experience and say that if I have sex with a girl on the first date or even the second date I don't see her as long term material. If she is fun and was good I will hang out with her for a few weeks before we both realize we are wasting each others time as I would prefer a relationship over a friend with benefits any day. But I won't settle in relationships. Being able to get to know someone and see what all they have to offer then add sex to it means more and shows that special something.For me one night stands are just that, I'm horny and she is so let's do this, sometimes we call each other back and sometimes not. The awkward second date, especially if the first involved alcohol, is really hard. All of this being said, if you are interested in him and want to try and slow it down and see where it goes, I say go for it, as I wish everyone the best and you never know unless you try. If something comes of it that is wonderful and if not, don't feel bad about yourself, you did nothing wrong.
Clarby Clarby 7 years
Emily, I have no doubt you are a good girl and trust is something that does not come easy for everyone, especially after a break up. While Dear and Kristin are right that something may come of this I will be honest and say that in general guys do not generally date girls that they sleep with early on and more so one night encounters. I will speak from experience and say that if I have sex with a girl on the first date or even the second date I don't see her as long term material. If she is fun and was good I will hang out with her for a few weeks before we both realize we are wasting each others time as I would prefer a relationship over a friend with benefits any day. But I won't settle in relationships. Being able to get to know someone and see what all they have to offer then add sex to it means more and shows that special something. For me one night stands are just that, I'm horny and she is so let's do this, sometimes we call each other back and sometimes not. The awkward second date, especially if the first involved alcohol, is really hard. All of this being said, if you are interested in him and want to try and slow it down and see where it goes, I say go for it, as I wish everyone the best and you never know unless you try. If something comes of it that is wonderful and if not, don't feel bad about yourself, you did nothing wrong.
Kristinh1012 Kristinh1012 7 years
You didn't do anything horrible. It happens. I wouldn't worry about it. Plus I'm sure he knows you guys had a lot to drink and it seems you are both very attracted to one another. I would just wait and see what happens. See if he calls again to go out. If not don't get yourself upset about it, it just wasn't meant to be. I wouldn't worry about having to explain yourself. I would think just keeping it a little more casual between the both of you during the next couple times you see him, would be better. If he says anything, tell him that was out of character for you and you would like to actually get to really know him a little better.
Kristinh1012 Kristinh1012 7 years
You didn't do anything horrible. It happens. I wouldn't worry about it. Plus I'm sure he knows you guys had a lot to drink and it seems you are both very attracted to one another. I would just wait and see what happens. See if he calls again to go out. If not don't get yourself upset about it, it just wasn't meant to be. I wouldn't worry about having to explain yourself. I would think just keeping it a little more casual between the both of you during the next couple times you see him, would be better. If he says anything, tell him that was out of character for you and you would like to actually get to really know him a little better.
cmd0610 cmd0610 7 years
Great advice Dear! Emily you sound like a good girl- and you do deserve the whole package! But at the same time that means you have to be willing to put yourself back out there because if not you aren't giving your full package to the guy (and by full package I'm meaning mostly your personality, beliefs, idea, interests, morals etc not just sex but eventually that's part of it too) and even though it's hard to trust again you have to be confident with yourself and push forward. Also about the one-night stand- at least you've experienced it- and he did call, so I think you faired well, no regrets because that will just make you miserable- think of the future now either with him or someone else.
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