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You Asked: Our Life Is Already Routine and Boring

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of two and a half years and I just moved in together. As time goes by, he spends less and less time with me, and he constantly turns to his friends for his outings, parties, and events over me. Part of the reason why I fell in love with him is because he's so fun and creative — we had so much in common in terms of passions and hobbies, but the more committed we get, the less of these we seem to share.

I understand that it's not that much fun to sign a lease, buy furniture, and set up accounts with utility providers, but it needs to be done, and I don't see why we can't go and relax together afterwards. Instead, he's off to hang out with his friends. We're still living without hot water, gas, or a fridge!

He says he only has so much time allotted for me and unfortunately, that time is now being spent doing routine stuff like getting cable or shopping for bookshelves, so when we're done, he's seen enough of me for the day and would rather go do something else. I understand what he means; I don't want to monopolize his time, I just want to have a life together. I know moving can be stressful, but I'm afraid his behavior is a sign of something worse. I'm tired of making suggestions for fun stuff to do and getting rejected. I don't know what to do. Do you have any suggestions?

— Stuck at Home Serena

To see DearSugar's answer,

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Dear Stuck at Home Serena,

I think everyone can agree that moving is overwhelming, especially when it's with a significant other. It's very possible that your boyfriend's change in behavior is simply a symptom of his worries and fears about taking this big step with you. If that's the case, it's likely that he'll relax as things become less hectic; but, that's still no reason to abandon you with all the chores. Try divvying up everything instead of doing it together. If he hates furniture shopping, go ahead and do that yourself, but make sure he's put in charge of buying the fridge and getting the gas turned on — neither of which should be difficult regardless of whether or not he needs time with his friends.

However, dropping the ball and pulling away just as the going gets tough is never a good habit to see in a significant other. I don't think anyone should ever "allot" only a certain amount of time for the person that they love each day. He should be able to spend time with his friends, but it's not reasonable of him to put a time limit on the effort he's willing to expend for your relationship. Next time, try to come up with something fun you both can do with his friends, and plan on doing it on a day when you won't be doing anything household related. If he still puts up a fuss, then it might be time to reevaluate this relationship.

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Janine22 Janine22 8 years
Maybe you are just seeing his true colours now that you guys live together. He sounds really selfish. I think he is treating you really badly, and you have a right to be hurt by his behaviour. Time for a serious talk about the relationship to decide if you guys made a mistake moving in together.
pinkhearted pinkhearted 8 years
Did you move away from your friends to move in with him? I lived with my boyfriend over the summer while I interned in his city, and I didn't know anyone in the town. At first, he was frustrated that I needed so much attention when he got off work, but I didn't have anyone else to talk to or hang out with (I worked in an office, by myself with no one my own age). When he realized why I kept bugging him to hang out, he understood and was more attentive.But I agree with others--he shouldn't have an "allotted amount of time" with you. Thats just ridiculous.
pinkhearted pinkhearted 8 years
Did you move away from your friends to move in with him? I lived with my boyfriend over the summer while I interned in his city, and I didn't know anyone in the town. At first, he was frustrated that I needed so much attention when he got off work, but I didn't have anyone else to talk to or hang out with (I worked in an office, by myself with no one my own age). When he realized why I kept bugging him to hang out, he understood and was more attentive. But I agree with others--he shouldn't have an "allotted amount of time" with you. Thats just ridiculous.
evenxstarx evenxstarx 8 years
this sounds horrible girl .. you still don't even have hot water? this guy does NOT sound serious whatsoever about living with you. when you first move in with someone you love it SHOULD be fun .. you deserve so much better. i think you should confront him about all of this, and if he's still apathetic about everything, you should seriously consider moving out. good luck dear
emalove emalove 8 years
The "time allotment" thing is horrible. I wouldn't be okay with that.
gossipqueen gossipqueen 8 years
*him treat you
gossipqueen gossipqueen 8 years
*him treat you
gossipqueen gossipqueen 8 years
What an ass!!! Sure, everybody needs alone time but what he wants sounds like...you fix my house I play time! You need a different guy...one that is on the same level of commitment that you are...or that you want to be. My guy does not mind shopping for bookshelves or ordering cable or picking out furniture...he enjoys that because he enjoys being with me...his words not mine.... If you guys are living together..and he puts limits on "face time"....Jeez...that is just a bunch of crap! Does he have sex with you and turns over and sleeps???? Don't let her treat you like another "thing" at his house.
gossipqueen gossipqueen 8 years
What an ass!!! Sure, everybody needs alone time but what he wants sounds like...you fix my house I play time!You need a different guy...one that is on the same level of commitment that you are...or that you want to be.My guy does not mind shopping for bookshelves or ordering cable or picking out furniture...he enjoys that because he enjoys being with me...his words not mine....If you guys are living together..and he puts limits on "face time"....Jeez...that is just a bunch of crap! Does he have sex with you and turns over and sleeps???? Don't let her treat you like another "thing" at his house.
sass317 sass317 8 years
Reading the other comments reminded me of a guy I dated long distance while I was in college- we would hang out on friday (with his friends of course) and then not understand why I would want to hang out again on Saturday- like hes already seen me once for the weekend, he wanted to hang out with his friends (AGAIN!) Not to mention the fact that we were LONG DISTANCE and I would only be on town for a limited amount of time- youd think he would want to spend time with me! Fast forward a few years:Well hes single and Im married, wonder which of us was the one with the issues??
sass317 sass317 8 years
Reading the other comments reminded me of a guy I dated long distance while I was in college- we would hang out on friday (with his friends of course) and then not understand why I would want to hang out again on Saturday- like hes already seen me once for the weekend, he wanted to hang out with his friends (AGAIN!) Not to mention the fact that we were LONG DISTANCE and I would only be on town for a limited amount of time- youd think he would want to spend time with me! Fast forward a few years: Well hes single and Im married, wonder which of us was the one with the issues??
MissChita MissChita 8 years
Hey there... I really feel for you on this situation because I can tell you now that you are going to have to make some major decisions, some that you may not even want to do. If ANYONE you date tells you that 'they have seen you enough for one day' or that so much time has been allotted for you, then BELIEVE HIM!!! Now that the two of you have moved in together, he more than likely feels that the committment is there, and there is no reason why you all need to spend a lot of time together, since he can see you in the morning and when he gets home at night. And if you allow that cycle to start and continue, it may get to a point where he wont even come home on some nights. It wont necessarily mean that he's cheating, but it may just confirm for him that yall are living together, so he 'got' you and he can do what he wants. Stop it before it starts. I dont believe in living with someone if you are not married (have been thru this one too many times). When you do get married, you will be living with someone for the rest of your lives anyway, and you will cherish the time spent together more (with marriage), so why rush the living together anyway? And I agree with what someone else has already posted; after two years, if all he can say is 'lets move in together', then he doesnt want much anyway. So, with all of that said, you need to try evaluate on what you want out of life, at this point and in the future. And you need to really pray. Talk to God. Because you dont want to make a decision and regret it months or years down the line. If this guy is saying things like this to you now, it can really mess with your self esteem and many other things. So maybe its a good idea that the hot water and gas are not on and that you dont have a fridge yet. LOL. You have some decisions to make. Best of luck to you!!!-Peace!!
MissChita MissChita 8 years
Hey there... I really feel for you on this situation because I can tell you now that you are going to have to make some major decisions, some that you may not even want to do. If ANYONE you date tells you that 'they have seen you enough for one day' or that so much time has been allotted for you, then BELIEVE HIM!!! Now that the two of you have moved in together, he more than likely feels that the committment is there, and there is no reason why you all need to spend a lot of time together, since he can see you in the morning and when he gets home at night. And if you allow that cycle to start and continue, it may get to a point where he wont even come home on some nights. It wont necessarily mean that he's cheating, but it may just confirm for him that yall are living together, so he 'got' you and he can do what he wants. Stop it before it starts. I dont believe in living with someone if you are not married (have been thru this one too many times). When you do get married, you will be living with someone for the rest of your lives anyway, and you will cherish the time spent together more (with marriage), so why rush the living together anyway? And I agree with what someone else has already posted; after two years, if all he can say is 'lets move in together', then he doesnt want much anyway. So, with all of that said, you need to try evaluate on what you want out of life, at this point and in the future. And you need to really pray. Talk to God. Because you dont want to make a decision and regret it months or years down the line. If this guy is saying things like this to you now, it can really mess with your self esteem and many other things. So maybe its a good idea that the hot water and gas are not on and that you dont have a fridge yet. LOL. You have some decisions to make. Best of luck to you!!! -Peace!!
alltherage alltherage 8 years
my ex was also like that. we are not friends he'd be like if we spend friday together i have to spend saturdy doing someting else. while time apart is good having it as a rule or being able to take someone for only so long and that be ur sig other is ridic. heck if u dont address this u'll hear things like my ex "i dont want a long honeymoon cuz i'll get bored and a whole week just the two of us? i dotn think so.yes the things we women put up with. well he's my ex:)
alltherage alltherage 8 years
my ex was also like that. we are not friends he'd be like if we spend friday together i have to spend saturdy doing someting else. while time apart is good having it as a rule or being able to take someone for only so long and that be ur sig other is ridic. heck if u dont address this u'll hear things like my ex "i dont want a long honeymoon cuz i'll get bored and a whole week just the two of us? i dotn think so. yes the things we women put up with. well he's my ex:)
sparklestar sparklestar 8 years
My ex was just like this and it was horrible. I was constantly second best and I got so sick and tired of it. It was a total relief to get away from him. He's still my friend but I don't have to deal with his crap anymore. :)Seriously - this guy is not a keeper.
sparklestar sparklestar 8 years
My ex was just like this and it was horrible. I was constantly second best and I got so sick and tired of it. It was a total relief to get away from him. He's still my friend but I don't have to deal with his crap anymore. :) Seriously - this guy is not a keeper.
7kimba7 7kimba7 8 years
-- divvy up the chores. you don't need 2 people to set up gas or cable.-- if he is spending his time with you doing mundane chore things (like the aforementioned utilies and shelf shopping) it could be that it's the TASKS and not you that he wants to get away from, so he could be escaping these monotonous chores that he doesn't want anything to do with. if the chores are split, then when you are with him, it's more time for fun.-- if there are no more chores and he still says that there is an "allotment" of time to spend with you, you need to really reconsider this relationship. I understand that we all want our space, but that is a bit much and I'd be hurt by it.
7kimba7 7kimba7 8 years
-- divvy up the chores. you don't need 2 people to set up gas or cable. -- if he is spending his time with you doing mundane chore things (like the aforementioned utilies and shelf shopping) it could be that it's the TASKS and not you that he wants to get away from, so he could be escaping these monotonous chores that he doesn't want anything to do with. if the chores are split, then when you are with him, it's more time for fun. -- if there are no more chores and he still says that there is an "allotment" of time to spend with you, you need to really reconsider this relationship. I understand that we all want our space, but that is a bit much and I'd be hurt by it.
heineken67 heineken67 8 years
Sounds like a total bum. Relationships and cohabitation require cooperation and compromises. If he's not willing, then he's not worth it.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
Your time allotment per day?! Ouch.I'm not sure I could stay in this situation, but if you want to stay, you can probably make it a little better.It seems like you are probably turning into a bit of a nag. Which, by the way, is understandable, given how he's behaving. It also seems like you are desperate for his attention. Again, understandable.So, I would advocate that you stop relying on him to hang out with, go out with friends, do your own fun creative projects, and then you will likely start attracting him again once you aren't relying on him as much.Honestly though, give it just a few months and then reevaluate. A lifetime of being ignored would really hurt my feelings.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
Your time allotment per day?! Ouch. I'm not sure I could stay in this situation, but if you want to stay, you can probably make it a little better. It seems like you are probably turning into a bit of a nag. Which, by the way, is understandable, given how he's behaving. It also seems like you are desperate for his attention. Again, understandable. So, I would advocate that you stop relying on him to hang out with, go out with friends, do your own fun creative projects, and then you will likely start attracting him again once you aren't relying on him as much. Honestly though, give it just a few months and then reevaluate. A lifetime of being ignored would really hurt my feelings.
tomatoshirt tomatoshirt 8 years
It doesn't matter if your bf's behavior is acceptable to others because you are already not okay with it. Apparently you guys are not on the same page. Maybe you should sit him down and ask him if this is what he wants - moving in that is... then go from there. Compatability is very important...
petite42 petite42 8 years
Please do not buy bookshelves and furniture together with this man. Buy them yourself - using your credit card - so when you inevitably break up you get to take these things with you and there's no argument about who gets what. This relationship is not going to last very long. He is sending you signals loud and clear that he is not as committed as you, and didn't really want to move in. He just didn't have the guts to tell you that.
petite42 petite42 8 years
Please do not buy bookshelves and furniture together with this man. Buy them yourself - using your credit card - so when you inevitably break up you get to take these things with you and there's no argument about who gets what. This relationship is not going to last very long. He is sending you signals loud and clear that he is not as committed as you, and didn't really want to move in. He just didn't have the guts to tell you that.
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