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You Asked: Our Sex Life Is Missing Something

Dear Sugar,

I'm 27 years old, and my boyfriend and I have been together for four years. He and I are in the process of purchasing a home and moving in together with his 7-year-old son of whom he has primary custody. We have a great relationship, operate a successful business, and are building a nice family.

The problem is that for the past few months I've been feeling like something is missing sexually. We've always had a good sex life, and nothing has changed, but I think that I might be the problem. I long for the feeling you get when you hook up with someone new for the first time. I've been having dreams lately about getting together with other men, and I always wake up longing for something else. This feeling has been distracting me and leading me to dwell on the smallest little things.

When I was younger, I caved to my desires and cheated on two of my former boyfriends. However, I truly have zero desire to cheat on my current boyfriend. I love him dearly, can't imagine being with anyone else, and would never hurt him, but it's difficult to just pretend my feelings don't exist. Should I talk to him about it? Is this something that everyone goes through?

— Bored in the Bedroom Beth

To see DearSugar's answer

Dear Bored in the Bedroom Beth,

After a few years in a relationship and the impending move, it's completely normal to feel that desire for something new or different. While I'm happy to hear that you have no plans to cheat on your boyfriend, I don't think you should just ignore these feelings. Although I don't recommend telling your boyfriend that you're having desires to hook up with other men, I think it's perfectly OK to let him know that you need some changes in the bedroom.

Try experimenting with new positions and styles — ask your boyfriend to take you by surprise! Or try adding some spice to your usual routine; go out on the town and replicate some of that first date excitement. Even such a small change in the everyday can make what's old feel new. If you still continue to feel this way and remain sure of your feelings towards your boyfriend, try speaking with a therapist. Perhaps there's a deeper emotional issue that has lead to this pattern of desire.

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fashionhore fashionhore 8 years
I am in this same situation right now as well. I am trying my hardest to do what hypnoticmix is suggesting (trying to plan a get-a-way, going out more, anything!) but no budge on his end. It is difficult to change things just a bit because everybody likes their routine. I suggest talking to him about your feelings of needing something more. This is what I am doing pronto the week!
fashionhore fashionhore 8 years
I am in this same situation right now as well. I am trying my hardest to do what hypnoticmix is suggesting (trying to plan a get-a-way, going out more, anything!) but no budge on his end. It is difficult to change things just a bit because everybody likes their routine. I suggest talking to him about your feelings of needing something more. This is what I am doing pronto the week!
hypnoticmix hypnoticmix 8 years
Routine, Routine, Routine. Break the routine! I know you own a business but try to have get away date nights, take over night trips, wknd trips and change up the atmosphere. Some see this as a little radical but take a little vacation away with a best girlfriend and allow your self to miss him, no phone calls while you're away. Sounds like you have a great partnership and thinking outside the box just might do the trick.
hypnoticmix hypnoticmix 8 years
Routine, Routine, Routine. Break the routine! I know you own a business but try to have get away date nights, take over night trips, wknd trips and change up the atmosphere. Some see this as a little radical but take a little vacation away with a best girlfriend and allow your self to miss him, no phone calls while you're away. Sounds like you have a great partnership and thinking outside the box just might do the trick.
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 8 years
This is great advice. I think everyone has these feelings and changing things up can really help. Try surprising him at the door in lingerie (when his son is not home or with him of course). Try going out and experiencing things (that is always sexy). Doing new things together and getting back the feeling of newness and the butterflies should be a fun time and you'll become closer because of it. You can also request for him to come up with something to do in the bedroom and you can do the same. Just have fun and you'll remember why you love this guy so much to create a life with him.
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 8 years
This is great advice. I think everyone has these feelings and changing things up can really help. Try surprising him at the door in lingerie (when his son is not home or with him of course). Try going out and experiencing things (that is always sexy). Doing new things together and getting back the feeling of newness and the butterflies should be a fun time and you'll become closer because of it. You can also request for him to come up with something to do in the bedroom and you can do the same. Just have fun and you'll remember why you love this guy so much to create a life with him.
lindholmka lindholmka 8 years
I guess the question here is what exactly do you think is missing? Are you not being fully please or are you just bored of having the usually old sex? If you are just bored there are so many things you can purchase to spice things up. Try dressing up in something sexy for him unexpectedly and watch the passion change!!! Also there are lots of different toys you can purchase that can bump up your pleasure centers! :-) Maybe take the initiative and try a couple things and see how it goes, who knows he might be feeling the same way so if you make the first move he might be more open to expressing some of his fantasies. I wish you well!!
lily3484 lily3484 8 years
This situation reminds me of that episode of Sex and the City where Carrie talks about feeling the Zsa, Zsa Zu in a relationship (that butterfly feeling)... Carrie says, Some are settling down, some just settle, and some refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies. I think your feelings are perfectly normal. I agree with Dear Sugar that things need to be made intersting and new again, put the Zsa, Zsa, Zu back into the relationship. It might not even start in the bedroom. If you guys start doing things outside of the normal routine, things might get more interesting. My bf and I took up raquetball. It seems silly to say that raquetball brought us closer together but something about it being a new thing really did. This led to more new things and better sex.
minaminamina minaminamina 8 years
I experienced this once before, communicated it to my boyfriend, and he seemed a little pissed off at me for mentioning anything. Lo and behold, a few days later, we were at a restaurant and all of a sudden he's doing something naughty with his foot under my dress! A couple days after that, we went to a bar together and he said, "hang out here for a minute," and I thought he was going to the bathroom... nope! He came back and startled me by grinding up behind me dancing... needless to say, after this, those feelings passed - I bet you the problem here is not that you're bored with him and crave something new, but you want the excitement of the first time you and he were sexual with each other. Everyone loves those first-time-with-someone-new shivers that you get while flirting heavily, so try that! Tease him, or ask him to tease you. It might help you remember why you were so attracted to him in the first place!
minaminamina minaminamina 8 years
I experienced this once before, communicated it to my boyfriend, and he seemed a little pissed off at me for mentioning anything.Lo and behold, a few days later, we were at a restaurant and all of a sudden he's doing something naughty with his foot under my dress! A couple days after that, we went to a bar together and he said, "hang out here for a minute," and I thought he was going to the bathroom... nope! He came back and startled me by grinding up behind me dancing... needless to say, after this, those feelings passed - I bet you the problem here is not that you're bored with him and crave something new, but you want the excitement of the first time you and he were sexual with each other. Everyone loves those first-time-with-someone-new shivers that you get while flirting heavily, so try that! Tease him, or ask him to tease you. It might help you remember why you were so attracted to him in the first place!
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