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You Asked: Our Sex Life Sucks

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend has ED (erectile dysfunction) and it's absolutely driving me crazy. I don't even want to have sex with him because it's very disappointing. He doesn't give me the satisfaction I desire and we are limited in sexual positions. He has tried Cialis and it's totally awesome when he's on it, but it's so expensive that we can't afford it. He's even tried ordering different vitamins and natural pills online, but they do nothing. I can't deal with this! I love him to death but the sex sucks!

—At My Wit's End Emily

To see Dear Sugar's answer

.

Dear At My Wit's End Emily,

Sex is definitely an important part of a relationship and I don't blame you for feeling frustrated. I think it's important to talk as openly as you can with your boyfriend. Since he's probably feeling really self-conscious about his ED, try to be as understanding as possible. Tell him how much you love him and how you want to deal with this as a couple, and reiterate that it's not just his problem. Be honest and let him know that your sexual needs aren't being met, and remind him that intercourse is just one way to share intimacy. You can still experience pleasure without him having an erection, so take the focus off what's in his pants and spend more time on foreplay. He can use his hands, his mouth, even a vibrator to help you have an orgasm. Pleasuring you will hopefully take his mind off the negative thoughts I'm sure he must be having about sex.

You may also want to encourage him to visit his doctor again. Perhaps there are other medications he can take that are less expensive. If you still hit serious road blocks, you have two options — you can be fed up with not being satisfied and leave him or you can stay in this relationship and learn to accept that he can't pleasure you sexually (and you may have to rely on pleasuring yourself). Only you can make that decision. I know in a perfect world, you'd want to have both love and pleasure, but you may have to decide which one will make you the happiest. Good luck, Emily.

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Lilavati Lilavati 8 years
I have never been in this situation so I don't feel allowed to tell you any "do this, do that". But what I know from experience is that whenever I feel frustrated, it's because I forget what's more important. I'm glad there's a medecine that helps. Now let's think: you need money for that. There MUST be something you'd rather sacrifice than your boyfriend, right? Take a look at your expenses and try to find something you could live without in exchange for the good pills (maybe eating out?). Or maybe sacrifice some of your time for another source of income? The limited posisions... it that important? It surely would be nice to have, but don't we sometimes get furstrated because we think of all the "would be nice to have" and forget what we've got? I'd strongly advise you to give up on this one (though like I said, I don't know what it's like) and concentrate on the main problem. Like others said, be creative! Good luck!
michelleannette michelleannette 8 years
sex is an important aspect of a relationship. it is pretty much what separates us from our friends. if you care for this person, i suggest you find a way to help him. this isn't an issue that is just going to go away, he needs medical assistance. if it means money, then figure out a way to earn extra cash...skip going to dinner and put that money away for the medication. it is possible to make things work, it's just going to take some effort and you'll have to make some sacrifices. if this sounds like too much effort, you obviously don't love him and shouldn't be with him.
girlfriday girlfriday 8 years
I don't know much about E.D. to be honest, so I may be totally in left field - but could this perhaps be a mental health issue in addition to/in place of a physical one? By this I mean, perhaps he has severe anxiety, which translates through his body into the E.D. Or, who knows, perhaps he was molested as a child and has recurring emotional issues from that, however latent. I don't know - but it's something to explore. Or rather, I think he would have to explore it. If you have any inkling that it might be related to a more emotional issue, I would encourage him to speak to a therapist or a counselor. (Talking with you about it might just be too charged given the situation). I know you guys don't have a lot of money, but these days some companies offer a certain number of therapy treatments for free. Churches sometimes offer free pastoral counseling, if he's a spiritual guy. And you can generally find sliding-scale fee places - especially around medical schools - that offer session fees based on one's salary.
clareberrys clareberrys 8 years
Oral sex will do the job. Watch porn together. GO to the porn store together. Sex isn't always about penis in vagina. It is about having fun and bonding and sharing your most intimate side of yourself with a special person. Buy a sex game. Concentrate on making out for long periods of time. Use different props - even food! Just get creative. Maybe it will help him too. It will take the pressure off of his penis and focus the energy on just having fun in the bedroom in unusual ways. ANd I agree with sarasonne about devoting some money to the Cialis Fund! Budgeting is definitely a good thing. Maybe look into other options that are less costly. I also agreed with the idea of only having intercourse on special occasions or once a month. It can be something that you both look forward to. YOu can plan a romantic evening just for that. Then the other 29 days of the month you can do what I said with non-intercourse stuff!
sarasonne sarasonne 8 years
If every other part of the relationship is just grand, then I would suggest starting a Cialis/Sex Fund. Since its one option the does fix the problem, find ways to budget and devote a little money to your fund every week! Why not?
remedios remedios 8 years
Aw. I'm sorry this is so frustrating. And I find nothing wrong with you expressing that frustration. I assume you're not going to him and saying "honey, you suck in bed." I don't think you have to deny that you're frustrated just to seem more understanding so long as you're not being mean to him. We're not perfect beings, and there's no benefit to pretending that we are. He's probably just as frustrated as you are. So I agree with others that say you're really going to have to spice things up. Why don't you two actually agree to see how far you can go without even trying to have sex? Say that you want to become more adventurous and want to do everything but actual sex. Get him to agree it would be fun, and not because of his problem, but because it would be fun, period. Then take the initiative to go to sex shops and stock up. You two are hardly the first ones to run across this problem.
MandyJoBo MandyJoBo 8 years
Ignore the rudeness and negativity here, these girls love to vent their own frustrations. I don't know why you wouldn't have already tried oral sex, toys, fingers, et cetera. Are you against trying them or just haven't branched out yet? I think you should definitely consider other sexual activities with your boyfriend. I'm not familiar with what ED actually does, but is it equally as frustrating for him? Does he get turned on but can't perform? That would be awful. :( If that's the case then pleasing you would be torture for him. My boyfriend often gets so aroused by pleasing me that he reaches orgasm during it. But maybe it would help the situation by getting him to that point right before vaginal sex. Don't be shy to try new things. Put your fingers to work also... by researching. :)
thewavingcat thewavingcat 8 years
actually, weewillyjones, if it were a man writing in i would tell him the same thing. that's like saying "i don't want to be with you because something is physically wrong with you". if she doesn't want to be with him because of this, then her love for him isn't the lasting kind so she should leave. plus, my boyfriend has a medical condition, it doesn't affect our sex life but it does affect our relationship. i would never break up with him because sometimes it puts stress on me. she needs to support him through this, and if she can't bc she's too focused on this, then she's not the right girl for him.
yaliyah yaliyah 8 years
Sorry to hear about your dilema. Sex is important in relationships and you both deserve to be satisfied. That being said, I just saw a patient with this issue yesterday! I'm not sure how old your boyfriend is, but if he is young-ish, ED shouldn't be that regular of a problem. ED is often associated with depression, stress, vascular problems, certain medications, etc. Your BF should consider revisiting the doctor because there could be a serious underlying issue that is causing ED. Cialis is a quick fix, but it won't address the underlying problem that is causing the ED. Best of luck!
LovelyLady8 LovelyLady8 8 years
I can tell you right now with all of my heart if for some reason my boyfriend developed ED I would not turn my back on him. Where I think sex is a major fun, sexy, and important part of a relationship it does not seal the deal. You need to understand that not only is this a burden for you it is also painful and embarassing for him. I feel like it.. so to speak.. challenges his manhood. If you are the type of person that a relationship absolutely requires a fantastic sex life then I suggest you work overtime to pay for Cialis OR let him go.
jenintx jenintx 8 years
i disagree with the girls at the top. it's easy to say that you would love your man regardless and that sex isn't that important in a relationship if you aren't having those kinds of issues. how do i know? because i was in a relationship with a guy who had the same issues. i always said sex didn't matter, but i came to find that it did (especially after years of being 'worked up' and then disappointed; you begin to have no interest in sex at all, which only agitates him). the frustration pent up until we were both pissed off at each other all the time...it affected our whole relationship, our lives. i would recommend either he sees a doctor (who can maybe prescribe something more affordable or give him advice on ways to remedy the situation without medicine...there are techniques, etc., that may help) or see a sex therapist together, as a couple (who can, again, give you tips). in college i took a human sexuality class from a man who counseled people outside of teaching in that area. any psychologist should be able to put you in touch with someone. good luck! i know it's tough when you love someone but aren't completely fulfilled within the relationship!
1QTPIE 1QTPIE 8 years
Girl go to the adult toy store and have a whole bunch of fun experimenting with all they have to offer. Don't let something like that effect what the two of you have. In the end when you can't get it on any more who would you want sitting with you on your porch all old and gray. The one you love or the last one you happened to sleep with.
bfly1133 bfly1133 8 years
Actually wee, I think if I guy wrote in he would get ripped apart. If you care about this guy, try a little harder to make things work. Get creative and see where things go. Then make a decision. However, if you aren't as into this guy as you should be then you need to let him go. For his sake as well as yours. Remember that if this is only thing you are dealing with you are darn lucky. And if there are other things that aren't so hot this could just be the issue that breaks the camel's back so to speak. And please, please don't tell him that you are leaving him because of this. Just tell him that as much as you care for him, you just aren't meant to be together. It's true without completely destroying his already low self-esteem.
weewillyjones weewillyjones 8 years
Seriously. Some of the people on this board are ridonk. Missbecca and letsgetloud - seriously? don't judge unless you're in the situation. if a man was writing in about his girl being sexually inept, he would get sympathy. being sexually satisfied is just as important to many women, too.
graceunderfire graceunderfire 8 years
Negative comments from others really don't matter, since it is you who has to deal with the relationship. Nobody can tell you what should or shouldn't make or break the relationship. Decide for yourself how much good sex contributes to your overall satisfaction with your boyfriend. There's really no sense in trying to get over bad sex, he'll probably feel your frustration if you pretend.
mrskrismendoza mrskrismendoza 8 years
Wow some of the people are on here are harsh.
letsgetloud21 letsgetloud21 8 years
Ya get over yourself already...:OY: poor guy.
thewavingcat thewavingcat 8 years
wow...i understand that this must be hard for you, but seriously. the fact that you are acting like this must make him feel like total crap. get over yourself.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 8 years
It's totally up to you, what you want to do. Sex is pretty important in a relationship, BUT, sex shouldn't be the only thing that keeps a relationship alive. Again, it's going to be your personal option. It's your life, you know what to do and if you do know, do it as soon as you can before things get even more hurtful especially for him. But consider his other qualities: Is he a great bf outside the bedroom? How is he faring? Does he satisfy you emotionally? I don't know how to go about this, but can't you guys go to a doctor and get a prescription of Cialis/Viagra and pay it via insurance? Try asking his doctor how/where to get the medication in a very affordable price. And get creative with sex, try oral pleasure more, involve a dildo, or whathaveyou to get you going. Good luck.
trixiefire trixiefire 8 years
I say you should just get sexually creative...and this may say lewd, but have you tried a "cock ring"? Those help.
Emiily Emiily 8 years
If my boyfriend, who love more than anything in this entire world, had ED I wouldn't let it hurt our relationship. I'd still love and cherish him. I'd support him and boost his ego if anything. You could get the medication and just have sex once a month, make it last. Have sex on special occassions and have some spare pills for the spur of the moment times. I wish you guys the best. Please spare his feelings and be sensitive to them. It's only human nature to be selfish, but just try to think about him. And as for yourself, use your hands, and you'll be fine!
kia kia 8 years
get creative. consider cunnilingus or toys so that the two of you can still share an intimate time while you are satisfied.
ccsugar ccsugar 8 years
I agree Carri! Is this something you want to deal with for the rest of your life? Not having a sexual relationship with a man? I think it's ok if you want to be selfish about this, it is YOUR life. If you're not happy, leave. Or invest in a damn good dildo.
Carri Carri 8 years
If you really think it's that bad, you should leave! Instead of stringing him along, let him go. This is obviously always going to be an issue.
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