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You Asked: Sex Lasts Five Minutes or Less!

Dear Sugar,

I love my boyfriend more than anything, but our sex life kind of stinks. I mean every time we do it, it's over in like five minutes (and that's on a good day). Sometimes he orgasms in less than that and it leaves me completely unsatisfied. He doesn't get the point that it takes me a little longer to get into the mood. I don't know how to tell him that I want a little more excitement without hurting his ego. How can I get him to last longer?

—Not Into Quickies Kimra

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Not Into Quickies Kimra,

You have just described the number one problem that 99% of women have (this number isn't based on any actual studies, but I'm pretty sure it's accurate based on what all my female friends say). Sex just doesn't really work out between guys and girls the way we imagine it should because like you said, women take a while to get into the mood and reach an orgasm. When it comes to women, you've got to preheat the oven before you bake a pie, so to speak.

Women aren't having nearly as many orgasms as we should for two reasons. One, guys think they're awesome and that whatever they're doing is great because two, women don't tell their guys what they need or like. I bet there's nothing in this world your man wants to do more than to please you, so just talk to him about it, and suggest spending more time on foreplay. He's got to put in the effort to satisfy you in every way or else this relationship is going to fail.

Be sensitive on how you approach the subject. You can damage your man's ego if you insult him or point out what he's doing wrong. Instead, tell your man what you do like, and ask if he could do more of that (like when he kisses your neck or talks dirty). You can also mention new things you'd like to do with him, like give each other back massages or listen to music to get you in the mood. Using a condom might also decrease his sensitivity and make him last longer, so have him slip one of those on. Suggest you take things slower, and choose positions that work for you. Have fun practicing these new techniques!

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JessBear JessBear 9 years
I have to echo the first poster...if you're in a sexually intimate relationship with someone you love "more than anything," you should be able to talk about this. It doesn't have to be a big thing...just mention that, maybe, just maybe, YOU'D like to orgasm tonight.
JessBear JessBear 9 years
I have to echo the first poster...if you're in a sexually intimate relationship with someone you love "more than anything," you should be able to talk about this. It doesn't have to be a big thing...just mention that, maybe, just maybe, YOU'D like to orgasm tonight.
phazlyn phazlyn 9 years
i remember watching dr oz on oprah and he was saying guys come up to him and say they can get off in 3 minutes.. and he said women needed 24 hours to get off.. so his tip was to get reflexology 24 hours before having sex to stimulate it...not sure if this works but just thought it's worth mentioning
phazlyn phazlyn 9 years
i remember watching dr oz on oprah and he was saying guys come up to him and say they can get off in 3 minutes.. and he said women needed 24 hours to get off.. so his tip was to get reflexology 24 hours before having sex to stimulate it... not sure if this works but just thought it's worth mentioning
pink_magnetism pink_magnetism 9 years
Have you been faking orgasms in the past? If the two of you are in love, and everytime you have sex it lasts less than 5 minutes, he has to have noticed that you're not getting there-unless you've been letting him think that you have. If you fake it, then you won't be satisfied because he will think that what he's doing works for you.If you haven't been faking, then he's probably noticed and would be open to trying out some other things, like other people suggested. Comunicate, but don't accuse him.
pink_magnetism pink_magnetism 9 years
Have you been faking orgasms in the past? If the two of you are in love, and everytime you have sex it lasts less than 5 minutes, he has to have noticed that you're not getting there-unless you've been letting him think that you have. If you fake it, then you won't be satisfied because he will think that what he's doing works for you. If you haven't been faking, then he's probably noticed and would be open to trying out some other things, like other people suggested. Comunicate, but don't accuse him.
samidingdong samidingdong 9 years
I agree with the round 2...my boyfried lasts about the same, especially the first time because it's built up, usually the second time around lasts a lot longer. Also, I believe that there is a huge percentage of women out there that don't have an orgasm from penetration, so try for oral before hand. One thing that works too is usually when they get closer to orgasm, unless you are on top they move faster. Stop him and change positions, but stop in between and play around for a minute, or get on top and move slow, then he cooled down a bit and you may get another minute or 2 out of him. You have to talk with him about your needs, but not make him feel like he is a bad lover. Some men last less when you mean more to them. Your boyfriend cares for you, and will do whatever it takes to make you happy.
k8-rckstr k8-rckstr 9 years
I was going to say what groem6 said... get him off before you have sex... make him finish by giving him oral first, and when hes finished, get him to start giving you oral then work up to intercourse... thats sure to make him last longer I'd say
groem6 groem6 9 years
Totally agree on other comments here. If your boyfriend is the best, as I'm sure he is, he'll totally understand your frustration.Just tell him the fact is, we women need more time to even "get started". Could it be an idea for you guys to finish him off once, then get started a new, with all the fun and romance a foreplay offers? Then he might be able to get ready for a "round 2" in about half an hour, and help you get satisfied, too. He might be able to last longer this second turn around, which is a nice bonus.Just be sure to not sound judgemental- your goal is for you both to enjoy all aspects of your lovelife, not point fingers ;)
groem6 groem6 9 years
Totally agree on other comments here. If your boyfriend is the best, as I'm sure he is, he'll totally understand your frustration. Just tell him the fact is, we women need more time to even "get started". Could it be an idea for you guys to finish him off once, then get started a new, with all the fun and romance a foreplay offers? Then he might be able to get ready for a "round 2" in about half an hour, and help you get satisfied, too. He might be able to last longer this second turn around, which is a nice bonus. Just be sure to not sound judgemental- your goal is for you both to enjoy all aspects of your lovelife, not point fingers ;)
Esix Esix 9 years
Try doing other stuff before you actually do it. Use your hands or whatever, but pause on time, let him cool off a bit before you go any further. Tie him to the bed and get on top, so "you" can control what's going on. Try to make it last longer than 5 min and most important, praise him for lasting longer than usually. Even if it's just a min or two. Give him that sense of achievement. Saying:" You can't hold it long enough, let's try something else" will not be very productive.
Esix Esix 9 years
Try doing other stuff before you actually do it. Use your hands or whatever, but pause on time, let him cool off a bit before you go any further. Tie him to the bed and get on top, so "you" can control what's going on. Try to make it last longer than 5 min and most important, praise him for lasting longer than usually. Even if it's just a min or two. Give him that sense of achievement. Saying:" You can't hold it long enough, let's try something else" will not be very productive.
chicaparati17 chicaparati17 9 years
Be open about it like Dear said in a sensitive way. Guys have such HUGE egos! But defintely speak up about it or soon you will begin to resent him and then it could go downhill from there. So speak up!
leilanidream leilanidream 9 years
You are doing him a disservice by letting believe his performance is acceptable when it sucks...Explain the situation before bedtime...and remember to have fun
PEggy14772255 PEggy14772255 9 years
Communication is very important. Tell him what you need, don't let him guess what you expected. Sometimes, guys would think that penetration is more important than foreplay. You can always show him what are the ways to arouse you and help both of you orgasm at the same time.Touch yourself when he penetrates you or get him to touch you. My husband wouldn't ejaculate until I reach orgasm.
lintacious lintacious 9 years
Have him give you oral first so you can orgasm from that. Does it make a difference if you use condoms or not? Usually they make the guy last longer because there's less friction. Does he come fast with oral too? I would try to see if the issue is him physically, like if he tried he could hold out longer, or if he just doesn't care if you are satisfied or not.I dated a guy who really didn't care, and I thought it was okay, but compared to a guy who cares and makes sure that I am satisifed several times over... it makes a huge difference.
lintacious lintacious 9 years
Have him give you oral first so you can orgasm from that. Does it make a difference if you use condoms or not? Usually they make the guy last longer because there's less friction. Does he come fast with oral too? I would try to see if the issue is him physically, like if he tried he could hold out longer, or if he just doesn't care if you are satisfied or not. I dated a guy who really didn't care, and I thought it was okay, but compared to a guy who cares and makes sure that I am satisifed several times over... it makes a huge difference.
plasticapple plasticapple 9 years
Definitely talk about it. Start off with saying something like this, "Ooh! I saw this in a magazine today and thought we could try it. What do you think?"
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
You can work this out by talking. I believe i heard that guys get there sooner then women do, so just put your thoughts out there.
mimsical mimsical 9 years
it seems that a huge number of posts like this one start off with "I love my boyfriend" or "my boyfriend is the greatest guy in the world", "my boyfriend and I are soulmates", etc. Those things may be true, but if you cannot talk to your boyfriend about these issues, then (and I hate to even suggest it) he may not be as great as you think he is. Part of being in a loving relationship is getting what you need out of it, and sexual satisfaction is a very important component of that. If you are afraid that your boyfriend is not going to be receptive to hearing about your sexual needs, then it seems like there may be something else going on.
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