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You Asked: Should He Pay or Not?

Dear Sugar--

My 36 year old boyfriend has been living with me since April of 2007. He retired at the age of 28 with a disability pension from an injury and lots of spinal surgeries. He has been divorced for 11 years and had been living at home with his parents until he basically moved in with me. He currently receives a disability pension and pays his ex-wife $700 per month for his 2 teenage children (14-17 years old). His children stay quite frequently, and they're great, but I end up paying for food and other things for them too. He has not paid anything towards ANY of my bills and this is draining me financially. I felt like in the beginning he really did not have anything extra to give me so I just never asked for money. He would occasionally pay if we went out to dinner, but I pay for everything else. I have several extra cleaning jobs and want the money to go into savings, but now I need those incomes to live. How should I handle this? Why is he like this? I do love him but, but can't keep paying for everything and supporting both of us. How can I ask him to move back to his Mom's?

Please help me. I am in a bad situation and want to be nice about it. I have a generous heart but now I am becoming resentful towards him and I don't know what to do.

--Giving too Much Mandy

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Giving too Much Mandy--

It sounds like you have a very kind heart and want to help this man out, not only because you love him, but because you know he needs the help, but the thing is, you are giving way too much of yourself, both emotionally and financially, even giving beyond your means.

The only way to rectify the situation is to be honest with him -- tell him that you simply can't afford to support both of you and his 2 kids anymore. Although he has a disability, is there any way he can get a job where he can work from home? Let him know that if he wants to keep living with you, he must put money towards the bills or at least help out around the house. This is not a time to be a push over.

It may seem selfish, but you really do need to look out for yourself. This relationship is somewhat detrimental to your well-being because it sounds like it's one-sided. You are resenting him because you keep giving and giving, and you're not getting anything in return. His mooching has got to stop and it's high time that he moves out. Good luck Mandy.

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aisha840 aisha840 9 years
Get rid of him!
aisha840 aisha840 9 years
Get rid of him!
MuppetsForDinner MuppetsForDinner 9 years
This is going to come out harsh, but I think you need to hear it. He may have had the spinal injury, but it's your backbone that's suffering. It's hard to crack the whip on your bf, but in this case he really, really needs it. Demand that money and if he refuses, puts up a fuss, or even doesn't immediately apologize for being so insensitive-- walk away while you still have SOME savings. Best of luck.
MuppetsForDinner MuppetsForDinner 9 years
This is going to come out harsh, but I think you need to hear it. He may have had the spinal injury, but it's your backbone that's suffering. It's hard to crack the whip on your bf, but in this case he really, really needs it. Demand that money and if he refuses, puts up a fuss, or even doesn't immediately apologize for being so insensitive-- walk away while you still have SOME savings. Best of luck.
sw2190 sw2190 9 years
well if you love him of course you want to be nice about it, although its getting in the way of your own personal life and everyone needs a little something ofr themselves. you are living together be he CANNOT rely on you to take care of him as if he were your child. if you live with someone you need to share the costs of living, he also cannot expect you to pay and feed his own children from all of your own work paychecks, unless you offered of course but expecting it is another thing. I would talk to him about exasclt how you feel letting him know how much you do love him and his kids but you cannot do everything on your own. If he cant make money suggest he try to get some other help.
onesong onesong 9 years
Think of it this way: Is it "nice" to enable someone to be less than they are capable of? No! More importantly, is it "nice" to yourself to be miserable all the time? Nu-uh, no way! This sounds like a very tough situation and I'm sure you do love him, but sometimes you have to know when to stop making excuses. Everyone in this world faces problems; however, the problems only go so far as excuses--know what I mean? Not much is so debilitating that it absolves the person of any responsibility, which is how both you and your boyfriend are treating his disabilities. Just let him know you love him, and that you were happy to have given him some time to get on his feet, but you need for him to start contributing towards the household and you need for him to start being 100% fiscally responsible for his children. Let him know how much the household bills are, and what his half is (be specific!) and that August is fine for him to start helping out (cuz what's three more weeks, right?). Then don't be surprised when he moves back in with Mommy and Daddy, all on his own. Good luck my dear!
cubadog cubadog 9 years
I agree his time is up. Time to lay down the law and tell him either he start to contribute financially or time to go back to Mommy. I am not sure of the extent of his injuries but can he trained to do something?
tiff58 tiff58 9 years
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I know that you don't want to be "mean." But, think of how he is treating you. Is he treating you nicely? No. Even though he is collecting diability, he may still be able to collect a small income. Either way, he doesn't seem to have the initiative to do so. Or to do much of anything. I have been in this situation. It ended pretty badly, and I ended up with a lot of debt when I really should not have had ANY debt. Please, you don't deserve to live like that. He needs to go.
Twinkle1 Twinkle1 9 years
Kicking him to the curb would do both of you a world of good in the long run. He needs to learn to take care of himself and stop mooching off you and his parents.
vmruby vmruby 9 years
Sounds like he's freeloading big time.Yes he should pay for himself and his kids(considering they are his responsibilities and not yours) and at his age he shouldn't have to be asked to contribute. Until you set him straight he will continue to take advantage of you and your kindness.If he still refuses to change the situation then show him the door.Let him become his parent's problem, not yours.Good Luck!
Bellatrix2 Bellatrix2 9 years
Hello Mandy,What an unfortunate situation! I do understand that you feel you should be kind and stretch as much as you can for him because I have been in a very similar situation. But please, don't continue! Firstly, this man moved from his parents' home to yours and is behaving as a big boy within your householf too apparently. You pay for everything that is essential (food, etc.) and he occasionnally pays dinner out. No matter what : a man should know through his instincts that financial support is vital for any couple. I'm so sorry to say this but I believe your relationship isn't quite healthy and will probably not be very satisfying even if you straighten things out with him. You will very often have to ask for things instead of just receiving them (no matter what kind of things : emotional, material, holidays YOU want, etc.). The first step is definitely to tell him clearly that this financial situation is a big problem and that it is very unhealthy for your bank account. Secondly, you should definitely say clearly that you need him to help paying your common bills as well as the food whenever his kids are there because no matter how much you like them, you cannot pay for them. Last but not least : take some time to think your relationship through. He's moved in only since April and you're already facing some major money problems (especially "money attitude" problems which is worse, really!). He's physically handicapped and you're nursing him (he could pick up some studies to work from home afterwards for example or he should have done this in the last 8 years). I have the feeling you're giving, giving and giving but it's going to wear you out and I'm afraid that your love is going to disappear. When that happens, you're stuck with him in your home and you'll probably lose time keeping him there because you would feel guilty to make him leave. Don't let yourself wrap up in this web of the ever-satisfying girlfriend/wife! Good luck and stand up for yourself...
Bellatrix2 Bellatrix2 9 years
Hello Mandy, What an unfortunate situation! I do understand that you feel you should be kind and stretch as much as you can for him because I have been in a very similar situation. But please, don't continue! Firstly, this man moved from his parents' home to yours and is behaving as a big boy within your householf too apparently. You pay for everything that is essential (food, etc.) and he occasionnally pays dinner out. No matter what : a man should know through his instincts that financial support is vital for any couple. I'm so sorry to say this but I believe your relationship isn't quite healthy and will probably not be very satisfying even if you straighten things out with him. You will very often have to ask for things instead of just receiving them (no matter what kind of things : emotional, material, holidays YOU want, etc.). The first step is definitely to tell him clearly that this financial situation is a big problem and that it is very unhealthy for your bank account. Secondly, you should definitely say clearly that you need him to help paying your common bills as well as the food whenever his kids are there because no matter how much you like them, you cannot pay for them. Last but not least : take some time to think your relationship through. He's moved in only since April and you're already facing some major money problems (especially "money attitude" problems which is worse, really!). He's physically handicapped and you're nursing him (he could pick up some studies to work from home afterwards for example or he should have done this in the last 8 years). I have the feeling you're giving, giving and giving but it's going to wear you out and I'm afraid that your love is going to disappear. When that happens, you're stuck with him in your home and you'll probably lose time keeping him there because you would feel guilty to make him leave. Don't let yourself wrap up in this web of the ever-satisfying girlfriend/wife! Good luck and stand up for yourself...
leeluvfashion leeluvfashion 9 years
It's unfair that you are paying for everything. You need to have a talk w/ him and say if he doesn't start being a responsible and pay for his share, he would have to move out. He's old enough to take care of himself and pay his way. Your kindness(even though being kind is lovely) is your weakness here. Speak up now before your bank account reads zero.
spacebear spacebear 9 years
Just be straight with him. If he is not responsive, then you have to ask him to move out.
ethiopian_princess ethiopian_princess 9 years
My. Aren't you the walking bank account? You need a new boyfriend. Or time alone to know that you are too beautiful and intelligent to be someone doormat.
ethiopian_princess ethiopian_princess 9 years
My. Aren't you the walking bank account? You need a new boyfriend. Or time alone to know that you are too beautiful and intelligent to be someone doormat.
Masqueraded_Angel Masqueraded_Angel 9 years
Oh no no no no no...I have SO been in this situation. Tell him to ship out now, before he latches on to you any more than he has already. Next he'll be asking for you to cosign on a car for him, or next he'll start charging random things onto your credit cards. Sure, he doesn't SEEM like the type to do something like that...but things are never as they seem anyway, right? If he was any type of a sensible man, he would already KNOW that this situation would be financially difficult for you. What does he think, you're made of money? Quite simply, he's only looking for someone to take care of him. Another "Mommy," in a sense. Please please PLEASE get rid of him.
Masqueraded_Angel Masqueraded_Angel 9 years
Oh no no no no no...I have SO been in this situation. Tell him to ship out now, before he latches on to you any more than he has already. Next he'll be asking for you to cosign on a car for him, or next he'll start charging random things onto your credit cards. Sure, he doesn't SEEM like the type to do something like that...but things are never as they seem anyway, right? If he was any type of a sensible man, he would already KNOW that this situation would be financially difficult for you. What does he think, you're made of money? Quite simply, he's only looking for someone to take care of him. Another "Mommy," in a sense. Please please PLEASE get rid of him.
bfly1133 bfly1133 9 years
jhuck and Dear are right. You have to tell him that he needs to step up both financially and emotionally to make this relationship work.
jhuck jhuck 9 years
Sit him down and let him know that you can't afford to live the way you do right now. Let him know that he can either leave, or contribute to the bills.
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