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You Asked: Should I Ask Him to Move With Me?

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost two years. Things are going great, and we are both very happy in our relationship. I am in the process of applying for graduate school and, with the exception of one school that isn't exactly my first choice, they're all out of state. He isn't as career-oriented as I am, and he works in a field where he could probably find work anywhere. I feel ready to move in with him, but I'm not sure about asking him to quit his job and leave home as he knows it for me. What if we decided after living with each other for a few months that we aren't right for one another? I feel as if he would probably join me if I asked him; I feel like he's hinted at it, though he has not outright asked what our future entails. I know that long-distance relationships rarely work, and I don't want to break up with him, but I'm not sure if I'm ready for the level of commitment that asking him to uproot his entire life would entail. Help! — Unsure Sandra

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Dear Unsure Sandra,

You've been together two years now, so I advise you to just be honest with him. Since you are the one applying to schools that will require you to relocate, chances are he's waiting for you to make the move. Since he's hinted at the idea of going with you, I'm sure he just wants to make sure you're ready. Yes, moving in together is a huge step in a relationship, and while taking that commitment to the next level is scary, it could be well worth the risk.

If he decides to move and things don't work out, at least you'll know sooner rather than later so you can go your separate ways and move on with your lives. There are no guarantees in life, Sandra, so if you don't want this relationship to end, I say go out on a limb and take a chance. Good luck!

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LeChatonNoir LeChatonNoir 7 years
It seems that there's a lack of communication going on, if you're looking for the answer outside of yourself, and him. Be honest with yourself, first and always: Where do you see this relationship going? What are your priorities right now? As long as you talk together now about the changes that will be happening and all of the options that you have, you'll know how both of you feel about the whole thing. If you center the discussion around comparing goals and ambitions, and not about living together, you'll have a better idea of where you stand, and eventually it can be a decision you make together. But if you wait until crap hits the fan, a whole lot of unnecessary drama can ensue. :P
LeChatonNoir LeChatonNoir 7 years
It seems that there's a lack of communication going on, if you're looking for the answer outside of yourself, and him. Be honest with yourself, first and always: Where do you see this relationship going? What are your priorities right now? As long as you talk together now about the changes that will be happening and all of the options that you have, you'll know how both of you feel about the whole thing. If you center the discussion around comparing goals and ambitions, and not about living together, you'll have a better idea of where you stand, and eventually it can be a decision you make together.But if you wait until crap hits the fan, a whole lot of unnecessary drama can ensue. :P
mortar31 mortar31 7 years
me and my girlfriend are both in grad programs in different states. However, since I am finishing mine before her we have discussed the possibility of me moving down to join her for the remainder of her program. I agree with most people here that if he has hinted at it then he would be willing to move down with you. and two years is a good enough time to not be risking much. But don't think LDR's don't work, they do as long as you don't let the little things build up
babysoftpink babysoftpink 7 years
I agree with what princess eab said. But the deal is I though guys are the ones that have trouble with LDR. For example, they feel unloved when you don't have sex with them and not often enough. They also feel that they need someone there to comfort them after a long day of work. This has little relevance to me per se, because whether it be LDR or a local relationship, I have endeavor to save myself before marriage. But the sake of argument, it is not usually not the issue from the girls' end b/c many could go on a dry spell in the name of love but how about guys when they think about sex and lust 50 times a day when a girl bends to pick up a coin. I don't care how conservative and how righteous the guy is, you just cannot not deal with his natural born male instinct? I think that is the biggest issue of a LDR. Everything else in the relationship can be done in the absence of physical contact.
babysoftpink babysoftpink 7 years
I agree with what princess eab said. But the deal is I though guys are the ones that have trouble with LDR. For example, they feel unloved when you don't have sex with them and not often enough. They also feel that they need someone there to comfort them after a long day of work. This has little relevance to me per se, because whether it be LDR or a local relationship, I have endeavor to save myself before marriage. But the sake of argument, it is not usually not the issue from the girls' end b/c many could go on a dry spell in the name of love but how about guys when they think about sex and lust 50 times a day when a girl bends to pick up a coin. I don't care how conservative and how righteous the guy is, you just cannot not deal with his natural born male instinct? I think that is the biggest issue of a LDR. Everything else in the relationship can be done in the absence of physical contact.
kristyy kristyy 7 years
Why don't you see where you end up at first before approaching him about this? But like some people said, give it some time first and give the long distance thing a try. You might find that you are too busy with school to spend time with him anyway, so it wouldn't be fair to ask him to uproot and then he ends up spending most of the time by himself. And if you guys decide to move in together, at least you'll be more sure by then.
princess_eab princess_eab 7 years
Uh - "long distance relationships barely work"? Untrue. Long distance relationships fail and succeed, statistically speaking, at *exactly* the same rate close distance relationships do. You get out of them what you put into them. Here's a good rule of thumb: if you aren't willing to conduct a long distance relationship with your boyfriend, you should probably just break up with him. I say this because being willing to conduct an LDR for a specified length of time filters out all the "maybes" and "I-don't-knows". Honestly - it's not that difficult, and my best advice would be for you to move out there (wherever it ends up being) and to give an LDR a good try for a specified length of time - say 6 months - during which you'll have 2-3 planned visits and, of course, talk on your webcams every day. By the end or even the middle of that time both of you will be able to decide whether it's feasible for him to move out there. If you really care about your boyfriend and don't want to lose him, I think this is the safest course of action. Honestly, the LDR portion of my last relationship was the strongest part of it and I look back on that time fondly. (He did move to NYC to be with me once he'd found a job.) We lived together for a couple of years and did eventually break up - one reason being that he was moving across the country and neither one of us wanted to face doing an LDR again - the motivation was completely gone. As I said, it filters out the "maybes".
avantgardeology avantgardeology 7 years
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 4 months, and we currently live together. I was with a man long distance for 3 years before him, and I am so glad and so happy that me and John currently live together. 4 months is short yes, but its not about how long you have been together. If you feel mature and ready to commit to something like that, then move in with him. If you ever find yourself unsure about something with him, or find yourself doubting your decisions, dont do it. Do not walk into something with a blurry mind. Always ask yourself if you will be happy and if you can see it lasting. Its all a risk, but make sure you are ready to take the leap before you put the straps on.
leb357 leb357 7 years
I just started a grad school program. there are 10 of us in my class, and 9 of us are in LDRs, including one long-distance marriage and 2 long distance engagements. And being in the first year of grad school , it's not bad being long distance--I know if we were in the same city I'd be too busy with my school work to give him as much time as I'd want to. That being said, I'm hoping he'll move out here, but I'm giving it some time before we commit to that :) Don't go in with the mindset that all LDRs fail if that's what ends up happening for awhile!!
dm8bri dm8bri 7 years
Good idea sunshinepoint. And I agree, whatever happened to just talking about things without ultimatums?? Chances are he's feeling a bit unsure, too, if he's hinted but hasn't come right out and said "let's make this move together." To second sunshinepoint, who knows if the move will be right for YOU? Go scope it out and then make a decision. Your relationship won't die within two months of LDR - if it does, it wasn't meant to be anyway.
books-and-shoes books-and-shoes 7 years
I agree with Dear. Just talk to him about it and be honest with your feelings. Good luck!
sunshinepointe sunshinepointe 7 years
My advice? You move out there first and see if you like it. No need for him to uproot his entire life when you might decide you hate it where you are and want to or need to move in a while. Let him visit you and spend long weekends together etc. If you both agree you like the area go for it. I uprooted myself for a guy without really getting to know the area first and regretted it something fierce.
Simone-Grant Simone-Grant 7 years
oops- that should say envision. multi-tasking :-)
Simone-Grant Simone-Grant 7 years
You're "not sure if I'm ready for the level of commitment that asking him to uproot his entire life would entail." Well then please get sure before you do anything. Because right now it sounds like you're asking because you're not ready to end things. But not wanting to break up is not the same as being ready to commit to living together. It sounds like you have some time before you have to make a decision. Why don't you really think about it for a while longer and see if you can envisage making the sacrifices required of living together while in grad school.
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