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You Asked: Should I Call?

Dear Sugar,

I need dating advice. I'm your typical commitment-phobe but I've been dating this guy I met at work since last November and things were going great until two weeks ago. He quit his job and is now looking for something better. He says I'm very important to him but also says he can't see me right now and would rather not talk until he gets his life sorted out. I've tried calling him twice since then — he's been distant but has talked to me. I don't want to lose him because I finally feel like I've met someone who I can open up to and who cares (or cared) about me. I'm scared and need advice. What should I do? — Demanding Deborah

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Demanding Deborah,

When one person starts to pull away in a relationship, it's inevitable that the other person will hold on for dear life — it's just human nature, but the fact that your boyfriend has specifically asked for his space means that he really needs it. For a man, not having a job is a big deal. Since our society places so much pressure on men to be the main provider in relationships, I can completely understand how he would want to cool things down until he has the financial security he clearly needs.

If I were you, I'd write him an e-mail. Let him know that you want to respect his needs but you just need him to know how much you care for him. Once you've said your peace, unfortunately there's nothing more you can do but wait. I wish I could tell you how long it might take or if things will be the same again, but I can't. Trust your intuition on this one and try to be patient. Good luck.

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suga2008 suga2008 8 years
oh my god..come on! this guy is totally cheating on you...or he's having fun...whatever nobody is TOO BUSY to take 5 minutes out of the day and CALL YOU... psshh...he 's either already in a arelationship and cant talk to you w/ his girl around or he just isnt that into you..sorry dont call him!!!!! LADIES LISTEN: DONT EVER CALL A MAN!!!! HE CALLS YOU!!! REPEATEDLY!!!! trust me..if a guy wants you he will call you,,,if he doesnt, HE'S JUST NOT INTO YOU.period. guys arent that complicated...they like things simple...they like, they do, they dont like, they dont do..get it? just forget about this guy hunny... go relax, on vacation, get your hair done, and keep getting more beautiful. this guy is not the one...sorry
suga2008 suga2008 8 years
oh my god..come on! this guy is totally cheating on you...or he's having fun...whatevernobody is TOO BUSY to take 5 minutes out of the day and CALL YOU...psshh...he 's either already in a arelationship and cant talk to you w/ his girl around or he just isnt that into you..sorrydont call him!!!!!LADIES LISTEN: DONT EVER CALL A MAN!!!! HE CALLS YOU!!! REPEATEDLY!!!!trust me..if a guy wants you he will call you,,,if he doesnt, HE'S JUST NOT INTO YOU.period. guys arent that complicated...they like things simple...they like, they do, they dont like, they dont do..get it? just forget about this guy hunny...go relax, on vacation, get your hair done, and keep getting more beautiful. this guy is not the one...sorry
Asia84 Asia84 8 years
girl, leave this guy be.when he said that he doesn't even want to talk to you while he gets his life together was a big indicator that you don't need to be with him.i can understand him wanting to cool off on the realtionship part, but he doesn't even want to SPEAK to you. and what? you're suppose to be waiting on him?!?!?yeah, i know. you were calling him just to say "hey" and show some love, but he didn't even answer. because he told you that he didn't want to talk to you.and what would you say if you kept waiting and then one night out to dinner with your friends you see him out with some chickadee . . .and they look like this ain't their first, second OR 5th date???when people pull this crap (if he's being honest or not) it's just life's little way of telling you to move on. you were probably just a work fling for him.
Asia84 Asia84 8 years
girl, leave this guy be. when he said that he doesn't even want to talk to you while he gets his life together was a big indicator that you don't need to be with him. i can understand him wanting to cool off on the realtionship part, but he doesn't even want to SPEAK to you. and what? you're suppose to be waiting on him?!?!? yeah, i know. you were calling him just to say "hey" and show some love, but he didn't even answer. because he told you that he didn't want to talk to you. and what would you say if you kept waiting and then one night out to dinner with your friends you see him out with some chickadee . . .and they look like this ain't their first, second OR 5th date??? when people pull this crap (if he's being honest or not) it's just life's little way of telling you to move on. you were probably just a work fling for him.
rpenner rpenner 8 years
i agree with dear's advise. you need to give the man his space
DCRoamer DCRoamer 8 years
It sounds really sketchy that he up and quit and now doesn't want to talk to you. But whatever the reasons are, you already called twice and he told you that he doesn't want to talk to you right now. So, you really have no choice but to accept that and move on.If you were to call, you may get more info as to what's going on, but it's even less likely that he'll suddenly decide to welcome you into his life on Call #3 when he was distant on Calls # 1 and # 2.It sucks, but don't call.
DCRoamer DCRoamer 8 years
It sounds really sketchy that he up and quit and now doesn't want to talk to you. But whatever the reasons are, you already called twice and he told you that he doesn't want to talk to you right now. So, you really have no choice but to accept that and move on. If you were to call, you may get more info as to what's going on, but it's even less likely that he'll suddenly decide to welcome you into his life on Call #3 when he was distant on Calls # 1 and # 2. It sucks, but don't call.
karlotta karlotta 8 years
I think it's going to be okay. Give him the space, however hard it may be. If you guys had been together longer, it would be easier, but life is throwing you the wrench now, so try to deal with it with patience and confidence, and keep yourself busy with your own stuff. Sugar is right, men can get very one-track minded in general, but when it comes to their job (which to them = size of their balls), it's even worse. When my boyfriend is working hard on a project, he barely says good morning. I used to take it personally and whine and nag and try harder, but nothing worked. Except for leaving him alone, and giving him the space that his mind needs. Then when he's done, he's all over me like a wet blanket - grateful that I didn't make a fuss about his needing time alone with his own mind (yes, guys are freaking weird...) My best friend's boyfriend was going through a rough patch a couple of months ago, changing careers.. etc, and probably feeling insecure in his manhood and tired and stressed out, so they weren't really "doing it" that much anymore. I told her to give him time, that it had to do with his job situation, but she was getting so riled up that she ended up sitting him down to have "a talk" about it. It went REALLY BAD. They've been breaking up for 2 months now (long drawn out agony!), and it's obvious the guy was so hurt/aggravated/put on the spot/asked for things he couldn't provide, that he just stopped caring. She made a huge mistake. I'd advise you to do exactly what Sugar said. Send a nice email full of support, saying you hope that you'll still have a special place in his life when he's done figuring shit out, and telling him you're there if he needs you. People who love each other do that - they know when to step back and yet be kind and understanding without getting their panties in a bunch and finding it humiliating. If he cares about you, he'll be really touched. And he'll be back when his mind is more available. Good luck!
karlotta karlotta 8 years
I think it's going to be okay. Give him the space, however hard it may be. If you guys had been together longer, it would be easier, but life is throwing you the wrench now, so try to deal with it with patience and confidence, and keep yourself busy with your own stuff. Sugar is right, men can get very one-track minded in general, but when it comes to their job (which to them = size of their balls), it's even worse. When my boyfriend is working hard on a project, he barely says good morning. I used to take it personally and whine and nag and try harder, but nothing worked. Except for leaving him alone, and giving him the space that his mind needs. Then when he's done, he's all over me like a wet blanket - grateful that I didn't make a fuss about his needing time alone with his own mind (yes, guys are freaking weird...)My best friend's boyfriend was going through a rough patch a couple of months ago, changing careers.. etc, and probably feeling insecure in his manhood and tired and stressed out, so they weren't really "doing it" that much anymore. I told her to give him time, that it had to do with his job situation, but she was getting so riled up that she ended up sitting him down to have "a talk" about it. It went REALLY BAD. They've been breaking up for 2 months now (long drawn out agony!), and it's obvious the guy was so hurt/aggravated/put on the spot/asked for things he couldn't provide, that he just stopped caring. She made a huge mistake. I'd advise you to do exactly what Sugar said. Send a nice email full of support, saying you hope that you'll still have a special place in his life when he's done figuring shit out, and telling him you're there if he needs you. People who love each other do that - they know when to step back and yet be kind and understanding without getting their panties in a bunch and finding it humiliating. If he cares about you, he'll be really touched. And he'll be back when his mind is more available.Good luck!
LoveLearnHappy LoveLearnHappy 8 years
I know the feeling. The "If I just support him and show him how much I care, he will realize that we can work through this... together" feeling. You got to stop looking at it from your point of view. Women are nuturers. We see someone hurting and we want to help, because that's what we would want done for us. Men and women respond to situations so differently. Don't do what would work for you. Do what works for him. And lucky for you, you don't have to guess what he needs. He told you.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 8 years
Leave him alone.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 8 years
Leave him alone.
acemonkey acemonkey 8 years
I agree. Leave him be. If he truly cares about you, he will call when he is ready. I know it's hard, but you have to give him space. Calling and pursuing him will just push him further away.
j2e1n9 j2e1n9 8 years
Yeah, NEVER call in a situation like this. But since you've already called twice, I wouldnt even send another email or a thought in his direction. He knows you called him twice. He knows that you're there for him if he needs you. You do not need to remind him again. You can wait it out and see if he gets back on track and wants to be with you, or you could write him off and start seeing other people. Contacting him any more is just going to add insult to injury.
jaxon jaxon 8 years
"Should I call?" simple answer NO!!Follow Dear's advice in a couple of weeks. Send him an email shout out. And let it lie. He needs his space so don't do the ultimate clingy girl move and CLING! Get a hobby, read a book, see a movie but allow him time to do what he has to do...
jaxon jaxon 8 years
"Should I call?" simple answer NO!! Follow Dear's advice in a couple of weeks. Send him an email shout out. And let it lie. He needs his space so don't do the ultimate clingy girl move and CLING! Get a hobby, read a book, see a movie but allow him time to do what he has to do...
cubadog cubadog 8 years
You asked you to give him space you need to respect his feelings and do it. Find something else to do.
skigurl skigurl 8 years
i agree with givemesomesugar...you have to lay off. he will certainly not be interested if he feels like you are pushing him.
giveveesomesugar giveveesomesugar 8 years
Stop calling him! He just asked you to do something and you cant even listen to him, you're pushing him further away if you keep that up. Give him the space he needs and in the meantime keep yourself busy doing stuff to make yourself better so when he does finally call you to start dating again, he'll be blown away at how sexy you've become. Calling him when he asked for space is not sexy at all. Having your own life without being needy is totally sexy to a guy. So go out there and start a new hobby or take an etiquitte class or whatever you've been wanting to do to make yourself a better person.
giveveesomesugar giveveesomesugar 8 years
Stop calling him! He just asked you to do something and you cant even listen to him, you're pushing him further away if you keep that up.Give him the space he needs and in the meantime keep yourself busy doing stuff to make yourself better so when he does finally call you to start dating again, he'll be blown away at how sexy you've become. Calling him when he asked for space is not sexy at all. Having your own life without being needy is totally sexy to a guy. So go out there and start a new hobby or take an etiquitte class or whatever you've been wanting to do to make yourself a better person.
gooniette gooniette 8 years
It's not a good sign when he doesn't try to talk to you about his problems. It doesn't sound like much of a relationship if he cuts and runs every time something happens to him. What if you need him for something? Will that overide his issue or will he always come first?
gooniette gooniette 8 years
It's not a good sign when he doesn't try to talk to you about his problems. It doesn't sound like much of a relationship if he cuts and runs every time something happens to him. What if you need him for something? Will that overide his issue or will he always come first?
tomatoshirt tomatoshirt 8 years
"When one person starts to pull away in a relationship, it's inevitable that the other person will hold on for dear life — it's just human nature..." that is a very interesting and realistic comment Dear. I am not asking you to play mind game, but if you do what Dear suggested - just get your thoughts off of your chest, give him space, leave him alone for a while and just focuse on other things in your life, I am sure he will come back to you. (if he wants you that is) On the other hand, if he is not that into you, doesnot matter how much you try, its already a done deal. But expect the unexpected... someone amazing might be around the corner waiting for you =)
tomatoshirt tomatoshirt 8 years
"When one person starts to pull away in a relationship, it's inevitable that the other person will hold on for dear life — it's just human nature..." that is a very interesting and realistic comment Dear. I am not asking you to play mind game, but if you do what Dear suggested - just get your thoughts off of your chest, give him space, leave him alone for a while and just focuse on other things in your life, I am sure he will come back to you. (if he wants you that is) On the other hand, if he is not that into you, doesnot matter how much you try, its already a done deal. But expect the unexpected... someone amazing might be around the corner waiting for you =)
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