Skip Nav
Eye Candy
You Don't Have to Be a Football Fan to Fawn Over This Hot Super Bowl Ref
GIFs
17 Signs Your Brother Is Your Best Friend
Relationships
33 Matching Tattoos For Couples Who Are in It to Win It

You Asked: Should I Come Clean?

Dear Sugar,

I'm not a virgin, but my fiancé thinks I am. When we first started dating, I wasn't ready to have sex with him — my first and only time was extremely traumatic for me — so I lied to him, and have continued to lie to him for over a year now. I know I made a big mistake, and it's been weighing heavily on my conscience. Part of me wants to come clean, but the other part of me doesn't; I'm afraid he'll end things with me. I'm torn and it's eating me up inside. What should I do? — Not a Virgin Virginia

To see DearSugar's answer

.

Dear Not a Virgin Virginia,

While the decision is completely up to you, I advise you to come clean before saying "I do." Entering your marriage with a lie about your virginity will only make you feel worse about this secret you've kept from your soon-to-be husband. I understand you're scared about your fiancé's reaction, but think how much worse it would be if he found out months, or even years, into your marriage.

Keeping such a big secret from the man you love is going to wreak havoc on your mind, body and spirit — if it hasn't already — so trust the old saying that the truth will set you free. Good luck to you.

Source


Around The Web
Wedding Dress Shopping Tips
Places on a Woman's Body to Avoid
Disney Princess Zodiac Signs
Affordable Ways to Update Your Wardrobe

POPSUGAR, the #1 independent media and technology company for women. Where more than 75 million women go for original, inspirational content that feeds their passions and interests.

Join The Conversation
Venus1 Venus1 6 years
To be blunt, this was your past, if he is bothered by this, best you find out now because in that case he is not worthy of you.
sparklestar sparklestar 6 years
There is such a thing as a "second virginity". Most women (and a lot of men?) regret their first time because they often weren't ready or were pressured into it. I would say that you had a second chance at your virginity and you lost it to the man you love/will marry. I think this is better than most of us could manage. I never say I lost my virginity to my first boyfriend because he molested me. My second boyfriend was the guy who got my virginity because he deserved it. You gave your virginity to the man who deserved it the second time and that's all that matters. Take this to your grave (maybe send it into postsecret too :p).
sparklestar sparklestar 6 years
There is such a thing as a "second virginity". Most women (and a lot of men?) regret their first time because they often weren't ready or were pressured into it.I would say that you had a second chance at your virginity and you lost it to the man you love/will marry. I think this is better than most of us could manage.I never say I lost my virginity to my first boyfriend because he molested me. My second boyfriend was the guy who got my virginity because he deserved it. You gave your virginity to the man who deserved it the second time and that's all that matters.Take this to your grave (maybe send it into postsecret too :p).
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 6 years
I think it completely depends on who else knows. If it's just you and the guy that know then I wouldn't say anything. I'm not saying it's okay to lie but in this case it sounds like he'll be getting more hurt than anything else. Would you rather hurt your fiancee and possibly ruin your relationship or live with the lie. You have to think hard about that one.If your friends and family know about the first time you had sex I'd just tell your fiancee the truth. Tell him you didn't feel like you lost your virginity and that it was horrible and traumatic and that you wished your first time could be with him and that you'll always regret it.
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 6 years
I think it completely depends on who else knows. If it's just you and the guy that know then I wouldn't say anything. I'm not saying it's okay to lie but in this case it sounds like he'll be getting more hurt than anything else. Would you rather hurt your fiancee and possibly ruin your relationship or live with the lie. You have to think hard about that one. If your friends and family know about the first time you had sex I'd just tell your fiancee the truth. Tell him you didn't feel like you lost your virginity and that it was horrible and traumatic and that you wished your first time could be with him and that you'll always regret it.
pinaywriter pinaywriter 6 years
Where I come from virginity is a major deal so when I met my boyfriend and we got together I was not surprised that he was upset that I was not a virgin. But I think it would depend on how understanding your fiance is when it comes to this things. But if he is the kind who would hold it against you if you lie to him, might as well get it over with and spill. Sorry, I am just a fan of frankness I guess.
Jinx Jinx 6 years
Unless it is going to tear you up inside not to share the secret, I don't see what difference it makes if you keep it to yourself.You had sex only once, and not since? You're a reborn virgin! Good Luck.
Jinx Jinx 6 years
Unless it is going to tear you up inside not to share the secret, I don't see what difference it makes if you keep it to yourself. You had sex only once, and not since? You're a reborn virgin! Good Luck.
dm8bri dm8bri 6 years
I had a similar situation w/ my ex. I didn't say anything either way, he just assumed that I was a virgin the first time we had sex. When I mentioned a past sexual experience later on in our relationship he flipped out, "dumped" me for "lying" to him, and held it over my head after I begged for forgiveness and we got back together. Really, I should have dumped him before being an asshole and making me feel guilty for something that, really, shouldn't have been an issue for him since he had slept with 6 women before me. That said, you did lie to your fiance and you're very guilty about it. That is no way to feel while starting a marriage. I think that sexual experiences are very personal and never something anyone, especially your significant other, should judge you for. Virginity is also subjective when you've only had one sexual encounter with one partner. It is highly improbable that your fiance would be able to tell, physically, that you are no longer a virgin. Not everyone has a hymen that will break with sexual intercourse (if you do it's not always that noticable) and if you're STD-free, who's the wiser? Your emotional responses to sex could tell another story, however. I have a feeling, from what you wrote, that although your first experience was traumatic and not repeated it was consensual. The bottom line is you do need to tell him. Make sure it's in a safe environment for both of you and there are no distractions. Give him as clear a picture as you can about your first experience - knowing where you're coming from and why you didn't want to tell him will make the admission easier for him to handle. I wouldn't blame him for being thrown off and disappointed, however, if he reacts the way my ex did he's not someone you want to marry anyway. You should also reassure him that, although you're not "technically" a virgin, sex is something that you want to share with him and only him for the rest of your lives together.
dm8bri dm8bri 6 years
I had a similar situation w/ my ex. I didn't say anything either way, he just assumed that I was a virgin the first time we had sex. When I mentioned a past sexual experience later on in our relationship he flipped out, "dumped" me for "lying" to him, and held it over my head after I begged for forgiveness and we got back together. Really, I should have dumped him before being an asshole and making me feel guilty for something that, really, shouldn't have been an issue for him since he had slept with 6 women before me.That said, you did lie to your fiance and you're very guilty about it. That is no way to feel while starting a marriage. I think that sexual experiences are very personal and never something anyone, especially your significant other, should judge you for. Virginity is also subjective when you've only had one sexual encounter with one partner. It is highly improbable that your fiance would be able to tell, physically, that you are no longer a virgin. Not everyone has a hymen that will break with sexual intercourse (if you do it's not always that noticable) and if you're STD-free, who's the wiser? Your emotional responses to sex could tell another story, however. I have a feeling, from what you wrote, that although your first experience was traumatic and not repeated it was consensual.The bottom line is you do need to tell him. Make sure it's in a safe environment for both of you and there are no distractions. Give him as clear a picture as you can about your first experience - knowing where you're coming from and why you didn't want to tell him will make the admission easier for him to handle. I wouldn't blame him for being thrown off and disappointed, however, if he reacts the way my ex did he's not someone you want to marry anyway. You should also reassure him that, although you're not "technically" a virgin, sex is something that you want to share with him and only him for the rest of your lives together.
anonomous anonomous 6 years
also, (my last post I promis), everyone is saying "wait for a good time"...when waiting for a good time to bring up something that's this hard to do, no time will seem like a good one. You's sit down for a movie on the couch, before you hit play, turn to him and say it...I need to tell you something important, it's been bothering me, and you DESERVE to know everything (meaning the truth) Make sure there's a good amount of time allotted, with no interruptions. maybe turn off your cell.
anonomous anonomous 6 years
and to "grandpa"....it does accomplish a lot. saying nothing accomplishes nothing. It will accomplish: closer relationship, develop skills to work through things together, Easier to be open to each other about anything, TRUST because some day that man might find out throught the grapevine....not a good place to learn things about your spouse! If she doesn't say anything, the guilt will grow and grow, or disapear for a little and come back later!
anonomous anonomous 6 years
wow, that shouldn't even be a question in your mind! Secrets are NO GOOD when it comes to marriage! seriously, telling him will show him you are an honest person! It will bring you so much closer to let him know. If he rids of you for it, then he's not a man worth marrying because that shows that he can't work with you through problems. It's important to work through these things because marraige is not an easy road like the movies. It takes constant work to improve it and keep it together as the years go by!
Smacks83 Smacks83 6 years
It's just a little creepy to me that she chose the words "traumatic" and a lot of posters are making it sound like it was rape. Maybe traumatic meant it hurt like crazy, super drunk and very regretful or that the guy lied about something to get her in bed. I think maybe people shouldn't all jump on the rape assumption just yet. I say tell him if its really bothering you (but if its not, then don't because its not like you were a call girl or anything). But i would caution against making it sound like rape if it wasn't (obviously if it was then you should seek counseling and tell your bf). But if it wasn't, then by making it sound as if you were raped he may treat you diiferently simply because he would probably be afarid of hurting you or messing you up psychologically or something. Guys (esp. when they love a girl deeply) can get very protective/fearful/angry-at-the-guy if they find out a girl they love has been brutalized or hurt so much. You don't need your almost-hubby spending time in jail because he beat your ex to a bloody pulp.
Smacks83 Smacks83 6 years
It's just a little creepy to me that she chose the words "traumatic" and a lot of posters are making it sound like it was rape. Maybe traumatic meant it hurt like crazy, super drunk and very regretful or that the guy lied about something to get her in bed. I think maybe people shouldn't all jump on the rape assumption just yet. I say tell him if its really bothering you (but if its not, then don't because its not like you were a call girl or anything). But i would caution against making it sound like rape if it wasn't (obviously if it was then you should seek counseling and tell your bf). But if it wasn't, then by making it sound as if you were raped he may treat you diiferently simply because he would probably be afarid of hurting you or messing you up psychologically or something. Guys (esp. when they love a girl deeply) can get very protective/fearful/angry-at-the-guy if they find out a girl they love has been brutalized or hurt so much. You don't need your almost-hubby spending time in jail because he beat your ex to a bloody pulp.
gooniette gooniette 6 years
You should be able to tell your husband anything and everything. If you don't feel comfortable with that, you probably aren't ready to get married.If he loves you, he will be understanding and try to help you get past your previous experience.
gooniette gooniette 6 years
You should be able to tell your husband anything and everything. If you don't feel comfortable with that, you probably aren't ready to get married. If he loves you, he will be understanding and try to help you get past your previous experience.
Grandpa Grandpa 6 years
Keep it to yourself, never ever mention it, and do your best to forget it yourself. It accomplishes nothing, and will hurt your partner, if for no other reason that you lied to him. What exactly do you think it would accomplish?
Meike Meike 6 years
Poor OP. Your first experience was traumatic and something you clearly did not want. I don't think your fiance, if he is a good man, would consider you less. Because of the circumstance under which you had your first experience, I would still believe you to be a virgin. I don't want to put words into your mouth or skew the facts but I know of a rape victim who had a hard time dealing with her virginity stolen form her. It took her believing she was a virgin and telling her then-fiance that she had been raped to heal her wounds. Now, she's in a happy and secure relationship with one child and a baby on the way.
avantgardeology avantgardeology 6 years
If it was me, I would tell him. I had a hard time in the past telling my x about me cheating on him, but I did eventually. Truth is, karma catches up with you eventually. Everyone appreciates the truth sweetheart. Just dont be scared. What is meant to be is meant to be. Just be true to yourself. Always ALWAYS think about how you would feel if HE didnt tell YOU.. Then do what you need to do. Good luck!
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 6 years
<blockquote>Personally, I'd be creeped out that your virginity is so central to your relationship anyway. Tell him the truth and find out if he's a decent person or someone who only values you for the intact nature of your hymen.</blockquote>Yeah, thank you for pointing it out. If he wants to get upset, he can get mad because you lied, but not the content of that lie. Your body is yours and yours only.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 6 years
Personally, I'd be creeped out that your virginity is so central to your relationship anyway. Tell him the truth and find out if he's a decent person or someone who only values you for the intact nature of your hymen.
Yeah, thank you for pointing it out. If he wants to get upset, he can get mad because you lied, but not the content of that lie. Your body is yours and yours only.
TheMissus TheMissus 6 years
Ummm... Not all girls BLEED when they have sex the first time. I certainly did not. And sex continued to be painful for a few times after that. So given that you have only had sex once, and it was before you were with your fiance, I think you are in the clear. I wouldn't stress about having to come clean. But if you weren't protected your first time around, then you should get tested for STDs, just to be on the safe side. As long as you test clean, you don't need to fess up to your first time.
TheMissus TheMissus 6 years
Ummm... Not all girls BLEED when they have sex the first time. I certainly did not. And sex continued to be painful for a few times after that. So given that you have only had sex once, and it was before you were with your fiance, I think you are in the clear.I wouldn't stress about having to come clean. But if you weren't protected your first time around, then you should get tested for STDs, just to be on the safe side.As long as you test clean, you don't need to fess up to your first time.
princess_eab princess_eab 6 years
Personally, I'd be creeped out that your virginity is so central to your relationship anyway. Tell him the truth and find out if he's a decent person or someone who only values you for the intact nature of your hymen.
Latest Love
X