Dear Sugar --
I have been secretly seeing my boss for almost 2 years now. We have a great relationship and we are completely in love. He is married, but in a dead end relationship. He says that he is still with his wife because of their kids. I recently set a deadline of 6 months for him to leave his wife for me because I am miserable in this type of relationship, i.e., the lying and sneaking around behind people's backs.
The 6 months are about to be up but he has not changed anything about his relationship. I love him, and want to be with him, so how do I approach the situation without living up to my end of the bargain, leaving him? I desperately want to be with him but not like this. Help me please! -- Having an Affair Heather
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Dear Having an Affair Heather--
You say you have a great relationship, but Heather, it's pretty obvious that neither one of you is truly happy lying and sneaking around in order to see each other. Without projecting my values onto you, I think it's important for you to take a step back and take a good look at your situation. You are not only sleeping with a married man, but a married father who is clearly having his cake and eating it too. Ultimatums are always risky, but the only way to make them work is to stick to your side of the bargain.
This man might say he loves you, but it's pretty clear he loves himself a whole lot more. Cheating is a very selfish act, and while he might truly care for you, I think you will be better off separating yourself from him until he can make up his mind about who he wants more. Why would this man give up the comfort of his family if he knows he will always have you there too? Listen to your gut instincts here and follow the advice you would give to your best friend if she were in a similar situation. While I'm sure it will be hard to break things off, it will be even harder to continue your current path. Good luck to you.