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You Asked: Should I Forgive Her Insincere Apology?

Dear Sugar,
My old college roommate asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding six months ago, and I agreed. Unfortunately, three weeks ago, her mother has passed away unexpectedly. It has been hard on everyone, but especially difficult for the maid of honor; the bride's best friend and a college friend of mine. She's acted as the liaison between the grieving bride-to-be and all her friends. In the time since, the maid of honor expressed in an email to me that she was unhappy with the back seat I took during the grieving period. When I called her and told her I wasn't that close to the bride and I didn't think it was appropriate to get more involved than I already was, she got very upset, started to cry, and told me that perhaps I don't deserve to be in the wedding at all.

She has since emailed to apologize for that comment, but deep down, I know she isn't sorry. While I know this isn't her wedding or her decision, her words were still very hurtful. I know I have to at least keep up appearances through the wedding, but I don't know I can or should forgive her beyond that. Do you have any advice? — Scolded Bridesmaid Bianca

To see DearSugar's answer

Dear Scolded Bridesmaid Bianca,

It sounds to me like the maid of honor let the stress of everything get the best of her, and unfortunately, you got the brunt of it. I'm sure the bride is experiencing overwhelming emotion right now — the sadness of her mother's death mixed with the excitement of her upcoming wedding — but if you feel you did your part to express your condolences and be there to support her, there's not much more you could have done. Sure, there's a chance she told the maid of honor that she was disappointed you didn't take on a bigger role during this tragic time in her life, but you're right, that's between you and her. If you're concerned that could be a possibility, I suggest confronting her ASAP. Let her know again how sorry you are for her loss and ask her if there's anything else you can do.

Once things settle down, I have a feeling this misunderstanding will become a distant memory, but if not, it's completely your decision if you want to end the friendship after the wedding. I wish you luck in whatever decision you make, but remember, we can all say and do things out of character under times of stress — something you might want to keep in mind.

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GigiGirl13 GigiGirl13 7 years
Let me get this straight.. you participated in a girl's wedding but basically hate her.. Thats bad. Two the big broohaha form the other bridezillamade you should have stood up for your self more... Forgive her but don't forget and she wont when you give he your wrath.. no i'm joking but but how long ago was this? If it wasn't to long ago you could tell that girl how you felt in a polite non-wrath way of course.
Mammapato Mammapato 7 years
You should talk to the bride one on one and let her know that you are truely saddened by her loss. Let her know that you were sad to hear about it but truely didn't know what to do. And that although you weren't there for "whatever she needed before", that you will be there now. Maybe offer a way to honor her mother at the reception... A framed photo of Mom on the cake table, set up a special reading or song, help with what you can. You and the MOH can duke it out later, for now the bride is the one who deserves her day.
pixelhaze pixelhaze 7 years
Mesayme has a point, I had a friend in college whose sister died and everyone at our very Christian school kept saying the wrong thing. "Everything happens for a reason" and "God has a plan and He knows why he does things" really didn't help my (not very religious) friend feel any better and, if anything just made him angry at God. As for the OP, I'm very confused about the issue here and feel we need more information. What exactly did the MOH expect you to do? Help out with "Liaison" duties? The posts here assume that all she wanted was for you to offer your condolences, but I have to assume that you were not so cold as to forget to do that? In any case you do have to be there for your friend (even if she isn't your "best" friend, I can't believe you agreed to be in her wedding if you're not close!) and one way you can do it is by sucking it up. Accept the MOH's apology, be cordial, and put on a smile for pictures. She'll do her part too and play nice, and then afterwards you won't have to deal with each other again.
pixelhaze pixelhaze 7 years
Mesayme has a point, I had a friend in college whose sister died and everyone at our very Christian school kept saying the wrong thing. "Everything happens for a reason" and "God has a plan and He knows why he does things" really didn't help my (not very religious) friend feel any better and, if anything just made him angry at God. As for the OP, I'm very confused about the issue here and feel we need more information. What exactly did the MOH expect you to do? Help out with "Liaison" duties? The posts here assume that all she wanted was for you to offer your condolences, but I have to assume that you were not so cold as to forget to do that? In any case you do have to be there for your friend (even if she isn't your "best" friend, I can't believe you agreed to be in her wedding if you're not close!) and one way you can do it is by sucking it up. Accept the MOH's apology, be cordial, and put on a smile for pictures. She'll do her part too and play nice, and then afterwards you won't have to deal with each other again.
JessBear JessBear 7 years
Why are you asking whether to forgive the maid of honor? If you're not even that close with the bride, it seems unlikely that you're close with the MOH. So be friendly, be there for the bride, and move on with your life, which probably doesn't include the MOH. I don't think you should spend any more time obsessing over something someone you hardly know said to you when they were very stressed and upset.
K-is-For-Kait K-is-For-Kait 7 years
You don't owe anything to the maid of honor. Be there for the bride in a nice, non-confrontational way. She's got a lot going on in her life and needs your support.
rellicDragon rellicDragon 7 years
Forgive the maid of honor ...and be there for the bride ... She needs support right now and if she asked you to be a bridesmaid she might have thought of you as a friend ... So be there for her ...
rellicDragon rellicDragon 7 years
Forgive the maid of honor ... and be there for the bride ... She needs support right now and if she asked you to be a bridesmaid she might have thought of you as a friend ... So be there for her ...
snowysakurasky snowysakurasky 7 years
yes, forgive her. you dont need to be her friend or be close to her after the wedding. some people just act out under stress though, so maybe don't take it personal.
nikecold nikecold 7 years
Right on Jude C. I say just forgive the girl, understand that she's been under a lot of stress it can't be easy to be the bride's shoulder to cry on while still helping with the wedding and talking to bridesmaids not to mention dealing with her own life. Let it slide, like Jude C said, there are worse things than this small misunderstanding. Next time just dont agree to be someone's bridesmaid unless you are very good friends with her.
nikecold nikecold 7 years
Right on Jude C. I say just forgive the girl, understand that she's been under a lot of stress it can't be easy to be the bride's shoulder to cry on while still helping with the wedding and talking to bridesmaids not to mention dealing with her own life. Let it slide, like Jude C said, there are worse things than this small misunderstanding. Next time just dont agree to be someone's bridesmaid unless you are very good friends with her.
margokhal margokhal 7 years
Whatever you do, PLEASE DON'T CONFRONT THE BRIDE ABOUT WHAT SHE MAY HAVE SAID! As a person who has lost her mother, I am pretty sure the bride can't deal with the stress of losing a parent (particularly one that plays such a prominent role in the wedding), having a wedding, and THEN having to deal with somebody accusing them of something that they in all major likelihood DIDN'T do. That aside, the maid of honor is NOT the bride, so she doesn't have a say and she doesn't know the nature of your relationship with the bride. Bianca didn't say she didn't do ANYTHING to console, she just wasn't as involved with it as the maid of honor "thought" she should have been. If the bride hasn't gotten upset with you about it, then I wouldn't worry what anybody else has said. You and her know the nature of your relationship.
margokhal margokhal 7 years
Whatever you do, PLEASE DON'T CONFRONT THE BRIDE ABOUT WHAT SHE MAY HAVE SAID! As a person who has lost her mother, I am pretty sure the bride can't deal with the stress of losing a parent (particularly one that plays such a prominent role in the wedding), having a wedding, and THEN having to deal with somebody accusing them of something that they in all major likelihood DIDN'T do. That aside, the maid of honor is NOT the bride, so she doesn't have a say and she doesn't know the nature of your relationship with the bride. Bianca didn't say she didn't do ANYTHING to console, she just wasn't as involved with it as the maid of honor "thought" she should have been. If the bride hasn't gotten upset with you about it, then I wouldn't worry what anybody else has said. You and her know the nature of your relationship.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 7 years
Ignore the maid of honor for trying to make things about her. Support your friend.
jessie jessie 7 years
let bygones be bygones...its over.
queenlizzie queenlizzie 7 years
Why would you agree to be in someone's wedding if you weren't close to them? If you don't care enough to try to be there for her during what is probably the most devastating and exciting time of her life, perhaps you *shouldn't* be in the wedding. It's better that the bride knows who her friends are now instead of later.
Jude-C Jude-C 7 years
Well, that was a pretty dumb thing to say to you :) I'm just saying it's very possible to show one's sympathy and be there for a person without religion ever coming into it. It just seemed weird to me that this OP, whose friend (maybe not super close, but close enough to have been roommates and to ask her to be a bridesmaid at her wedding) just suffered a terrible loss, should be posting about something that really, to be honest, seems pretty trivial and sort of self-absorbed. She didn't ask whether anyone has any advice for how she can help her friend or anything--she asked whether she should forgive someone for a perceived insult for which that person already apologized. That rubs me the wrong way.
Jude-C Jude-C 7 years
Well, that was a pretty dumb thing to say to you :) I'm just saying it's very possible to show one's sympathy and be there for a person without religion ever coming into it.It just seemed weird to me that this OP, whose friend (maybe not super close, but close enough to have been roommates and to ask her to be a bridesmaid at her wedding) just suffered a terrible loss, should be posting about something that really, to be honest, seems pretty trivial and sort of self-absorbed. She didn't ask whether anyone has any advice for how she can help her friend or anything--she asked whether she should forgive someone for a perceived insult for which that person already apologized. That rubs me the wrong way.
Mesayme Mesayme 7 years
Jude I hear what you're saying...but when you don't know what to say, it's very possible to say the VERY wrong thing to an emotionally unstable person. For example: I didn't want to hear that God needed an angel in heaven when my uncle died at 29. It just made me aggravated with the ignorance of that. Now, I bet 'cha some user will see that and say 'WELL! I BELIEVE THAT! IT'S NOT IGNORANT!' ... sometimes it's a catch 22. Damned if you say nothing, and damned if you say the wrong totally innocent thing. Bianca said 'get more involved than I already was'... which led me to believe she gave the whole 'I'm here if you need me' standard. And the MOH thought that wasn't enough. What more did she want her to do? My point was, sometimes people just don't know.
Jude-C Jude-C 7 years
*Hit "post" too soon, sorry.I think "I'm here for you if you need me" transcends religion.
Jude-C Jude-C 7 years
*Hit "post" too soon, sorry. I think "I'm here for you if you need me" transcends religion.
Jude-C Jude-C 7 years
I don't think one needs to show sympathy and caring in a different way to a bereaved person depending on their religion.
Mesayme Mesayme 7 years
Not everyone is an expert at handling death. Maybe 'Bianca' thought is was best to say nothing much rather than the wrong thing. I know my take on death is of a Christian understanding, if a Jewish or Muslim friend's relative died...I wouldn't really know what to say. So, it's not her fault for not wanting to aggravate a fresh wound for the bride. I think the maid of honor is probably emotional, sensitive, stressed and really just being a bit of a bitch, as we all are sometimes. Accept the apology, you barely know her anyway what do you care? Do the wedding and get on with your life.
kristyy kristyy 7 years
First of all, don't confront the bride. She's probably not in a level-headed state of mind and may have blurted out something to the Maid of Honor. It could have been something minor like, "Bianca didn't send me any flowers like you guys did." (Just an example!) Let it go. This is not a time for you to be selfish and concerned about your feelings, especially since the MOH apologized and what she said was very minor.
karlotta karlotta 7 years
I'm thinking she was up to her nose into difficult shit to deal with, and she needed to take it out on someone - and you got it. So probably, her apology was sincere, and you should let it go. Maybe she was PMSing. That's totally the kind of crap I'd pull 3 days before my period.
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