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You Asked: Should I Forgive him?

Dear Sugar--

I have been in a great relationship of 5 years. We live together and love each other dearly. Recently my boyfriend has been receiving some text messages from his best friend's ex-girlfriend. They have all hung-out before together but never chatted on the phone. Originally I thought nothing of it, he said he was fixing her car, no biggie, and he never talks to chicks (or so I thought). Recently I read a message from her that said "yeah I'm here right now, maybe we can meet up after you're done with work on Monday". I confronted him and he said he had no idea she just sent it. Now us females have something called a woman's intuition so I checked my cell phone bill (his number is on my bill) and I discovered that he has been talking and texting to her since December, 7 months ago!!

So once again I confronted him as to what's going on with her. He told me he needed a friend, that it was nothing at all just someone to talk to. I have many friends and normally I feel bad hanging with them and leaving him at home so I try not to, but while I'm always at work on Saturday (he's off) he'll be texting her nonstop and calling. He has other guy friends but only her as a girl-friend. I don't know what to think- I believe him, I want to believe him, but hiding this for 7 months leaves me feeling incredibly betrayed. I asked him if we should take a break so maybe we both can find ourselves and figure out what is really going on, and he refused, he said he wants to be with me forever. He has apologized, but it's been about 3 days and I'm still upset, I've been moping around and I know that is not the best thing to do but that is how I feel-- how else should I be acting? And what do we do from here? He says that he wants to be with me and I want to make it work...what do we do? -- At a Cross Road Rachel

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear At a Cross Road Rachel--

You have absolutely every right to feel betrayed Rachel. The fact that your boyfriend has be-friended a woman doesn't sound like the issue here, it's his lying that is inexcusable. Don't men understand by now that they are going to be worse off after their girlfriend finds out his secrets, especially since you share a phone bill?? Geesh! I am glad you have confronted him -- but do you believe him when he says that nothing sexual happened between them? If so, do you think you can re-build the trust that is lost?

Your boyfriend needs to be a lot more understanding of your feelings right about now. It's going to take longer than 3 measly days to clear up your hurt, so if you want to mope around the apartment, by all means mope around the apartment! You're entitled to give into your feelings, and you should to be frank, so you don't harbor resentment and anger towards him for the rest of your relationship.

From here, you and your boyfriend are going to have to be very honest and open with each other's feelings, fears, and anger towards each other. If you want to make your relationship work, you have to make a conscience decision to forgive your boyfriend for his actions -- that isn't to say forget, but forgive him and try to move on. Have you given couples counseling any thought? Set some ground rules so you are both on the same page of what feels comfortable and uncomfortable in terms of friendships and time spent apart. It's healthy for you both to engage with friends outside the relationship, but only if you both trust each other, and that will just take some time. Good luck Rachel.


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