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You Asked: Should I Leave My Husband?

Dear Sugar,

I have been married for 11 years, and my husband admitted to me three weeks ago that he's been sleeping with a girl that he worked with. I am hurt and very upset and don't know if I can trust him again. I gave him a ultimatum and he chose me, but I have a gut feeling that they are still in contact with each other. I check his phone to see if they talk, but he always deletes his call history. I don't know if I should end my marriage. When he told me about them sleeping together, he said he deeply regretted it and would never do it again. He also told me that it only happened once, but I don't believe him.

We've been together for 16 years and have two grown kids together. I just don't know what to do. Should I confront the other woman or just leave things alone? I've suggested seeing a marriage counselor, but he refuses. I don't know where to go from here. — Desperate Dede

To see DearSugar's answer,

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Dear Desperate Dede,

It's pretty clear that you don't trust your husband, and I don't blame you after hearing about his actions. Our gut instincts are a very powerful tool so if yours are telling you that he's still seeing this woman, he probably is. His shady behavior is not acceptable, but only you know if leaving him is the right decision.

The fact that he's opposed to seeing a marriage counselor leads me to believe he's still carrying on this affair. I'm sure you love your husband, Dede, but do you love him enough to be in an unhappy marriage? If the answer is no, you need to take immediate action. Cheating is not OK and he needs to know that there are consequences to his actions. If you have someplace you can stay for a while, I suggest you move out. Let him know that you're serious and not afraid to stand up for yourself.

If you want to fight for you marriage to work, you have to make sure he's willing to fight as well. Without trust and respect, you really don't have much of a relationship, so communicate your feelings, ask him to do the same, and hopefully you'll figure out your next step sooner than later. I wish you luck.

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ilanac13 ilanac13 7 years
i think that trust is the most important thing to base a relationship on and that if you don't trust him and he's not willing to make the effort to rebuild the trust then that does tell you something. i think that if you feel like he's not being honest with you about things, then you need to do what's best for you to be happy. i know that you mentioned that you have kids together, but you did say that they are grown, and i think that it'll be better for them to see that you are both happy than to see that you're uncomfortable around each other and somewhat angry. if you think that there's some way that your husband can repair what he's done - if he is willing to some how make amends and change his ways - then there's something there, but i've learned that if this has happened once, then it may happen again and you don't want to spend the rest of your life wondering if it will.
lyndsi2006 lyndsi2006 7 years
LEAVE HIS ASS!HE TOLD U HE WAS CHEATING SO WHY STAY?IT'S OBVIOUS HE DOESNT LOVE U BECAUSE IF HE DID HE COULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT..Personally I can't forgive a cheater,NOPE!
Janine22 Janine22 7 years
I say trust your instincts, he wouldn't be trying to cover things up if there wasn't something to hide. Also, if he won't go to counselling, go alone because it will probably help you figure out what you want and need to make yourself happy. Good luck to you.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 7 years
I doubt that he's done with this woman. Especially since he doesn't want to further fix things with you. Go see that counselor and then decide what to do for yourself.
getstinko getstinko 7 years
Last comment - I agree not to contact this other woman. There is no reason. If you are trying to fact check - there is no way you can trust that she's telling the truth. If you are trying to place blame on her - she isn't married to you, your husband is - blame that bastard. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
getstinko getstinko 7 years
Last comment - I agree not to contact this other woman. There is no reason. If you are trying to fact check - there is no way you can trust that she's telling the truth. If you are trying to place blame on her - she isn't married to you, your husband is - blame that bastard. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 7 years
Give him another ultimatum -- go to couples counseling, or you're serving him divorce papers. If he wants the marriage to stay intact, you need him to work on it with you in therapy. You cannot sustain the marriage at the state it is in now. Oh. Please don't contact the other woman. Have some dignity. Deal with your husband, not her.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 7 years
Give him another ultimatum -- go to couples counseling, or you're serving him divorce papers. If he wants the marriage to stay intact, you need him to work on it with you in therapy. You cannot sustain the marriage at the state it is in now.Oh. Please don't contact the other woman. Have some dignity. Deal with your husband, not her.
getstinko getstinko 7 years
I'm sorry about your kids and your husband. I 100% agree with K is for Kat - only I don't think I would be able to accept his apology. Perhaps you should look at it as an opportunity to get alimony and start fresh without this liar.
K-is-For-Kait K-is-For-Kait 7 years
Tell him that you two need to see a marriage counselor, he needs to be tested for STDs, and needs to make sure you see his cell phone bills. If he resfuses to agree to any of these terms, leave him. Even if he does agree, if you're still unhappy or can't trust him, leave him anything. You don't own him anything and your children are mature enough to understand why you did it.
sushibananas sushibananas 7 years
I think some time away from him sounds like a good idea so you can clear your head, gain perspective and make some sound decisions. Time away from you may also kick his butt in gear and help him (better) decide what he wants. Most importantly, as many have said, listen to your gut. Be strong and trust yourself to make the best decisions for YOU. Good luck.
Mesayme Mesayme 7 years
Yep...see ya. Alimony! thank you...
LiLRuck44 LiLRuck44 7 years
Why isn't he doing everything in his power to earn your trust back? Why won't he go to a counselor? I see no way to get through this bump (mountain?) in the road without seeing a marriage counselor. Like lickety said, that should be a requirement if you are going to both try to repair the marriage. Sorry about your situation, that really stinks :(
Jude-C Jude-C 7 years
He wouldn't be deleting his call history if he weren't hiding something. Just remember that.
talanted08 talanted08 7 years
Like most of the comments made here I do want to say Sorry for the feeling's, pain and messier that you have to go through! This is a 16 yr. marriage and he wants to throw it away for another women! I've been with my man going on 5 yrs. and if he even thinks about seeing someone else then it would be over! No women nor man should have to deal with this pain b/c it hurts more when your married! When it comes to the other women, I would want to see what I was competing against but in all reality she would be the last person I would want to talk to! When he deletes his history it's only b/c he knows that's the first place a women is going to look besides his wallet! There is no need to worry b/c he will reap what he sow so do what you have to do as a women! If it takes you being distance, spending more time with family or taking a girl's night out, give him the time to wonder what he did,just like punishment! It will take time to heal but think about the counseling regardless of what he might have to say b/c this is something you may have to do on your on! Keep your head up b/c I believe that all Women are Strong and can conquer the world if we had to do it all alone!!
lickety-split lickety-split 7 years
humm, i'm wondering why he told you about this one time affair. did he think you would find out anyway, as in did someone see the 2 of them together? the call history will be easy to find, check his phone bill and it will show you the log. on one hand i would hope that your history together would mean enough to forgive a one time indiscretion. on the other, if there are trust issues that go deeper (you want to see the call history, don't believe it's over) that is something else entirely. i think you should probably make counseling a condition of staying in the marriage. and make him get tested for std's. in the mean time, make a plan for what you will do in case this marriage falls apart (money, who is moving out). then if it ends your ducks will be in order.
pinkerbell03 pinkerbell03 7 years
I agree w/ pretty much everything that has already been said, but I think HE should be the one to leave the house, not you. Why should you have to disrupt your life and home, when he's the one that put you into this situation? Unless of course you have the means to go take a most deserved vacation somewhere fun and far away.
ckeller825 ckeller825 7 years
I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. Nobody should have to go through that. With that being said, it's a good thing your kids are grown. It makes things easier not having to give that excuse "we should stay together for the kids." I think he's staying with you because, in his mind, he doesn't want to throw so many years of marriage down the drain, even though his actions have already ruined it. The fact that he deletes his call history means he's still doing something he doesn't want you to know about. Check your phone bill online. Very easy to check very current phone calls, especially within the last hour. I agree with many people here though. You need to separate yourself from the situation and see if you can handle being without him. Stay by yourself, or with family or a friend, and ask for a lot of support. You could even seek counseling for yourself, especially if he refuses to go with you. After being married for so long, of course it's going to be painful and difficult to do, but wouldn't you rather be away from somebody who is cheating on you WITH ANOTHER WOMAN than to stay with him and be reminded of what he did to you every time you see him?
Frenched Frenched 7 years
The fact that he's deleting his call history and doesn't want to see a counselor are obvious RED FLAGS that you can't still trust him. What he did was also deplorable. You should dump him. Even if you don't plan on leaving him in the long run, you STILL need to take time for yourself to think things through and get your thoughts together. Maybe that way you'll also figure out if you really need to be with him or not. I don't blame you for not trusting him. What he did was not right AT ALL and whether you choose to leave him permanently or not, you still need to take time for yourself.
Blackwood Blackwood 7 years
my opinion is: why are you still bothering with a man who is not willing to reassure you after HE screwed up and admitted to it? I mean, he comes up (quite out of the blue, apparently), confesses and then expects you to get over it without a single discussion? god, you really shouldn't put yourself through all this for someone like this AT ALL. I get that you've been married for such a long time and have children with this man, but seriously... was he this kind of guy when you met him? is this type of behaviour new to you? if it is, then maybe he has his own problems and is acting out on them in by not being himself. However, that would at least require him telling you what's the deal, apologize to you and then accepting going to counseling. Give him one more chance to talk about it and clear out your doubts. If he shuts you down again, then, by all means, dump him. If he's not mature enough to be able to talk about his problems with his own wife, I doubt that he's mature enough to learn from his mistakes and stop straying.
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 7 years
Never ever confront the other woman, it never goes well.
psterling psterling 7 years
The fact that he's not willing to see a marriage counselor despite the fact that your marriage is broken is a HUGE red flag. I'm sorry to say that I think you should leave. Good luck.
sundaygreen sundaygreen 7 years
My first instinct is to tell you to dump his ass pronto because peronally I know I could never forgive cheating... but he's your husband of over a decade and you have kids together, so really this can only coming down to you. It's so difficult to bounce back from such a huge betrayal but I think it would probably be best to seperate for a while and see what happens - maybe he will warm to the idea of counselling if he realises that you're serious about leaving him. The fact that your children are grown makes this a bit easier, if you did decide to leave him.
MissJules5x MissJules5x 7 years
call history's can easily be deleted. check your phone bills. i agree with dearsugar that your gut instincts should almost always be followed, and i think in this case you're right. he doesn't want to go to therapy. and i definitely don't believe it only happened once either. the fact that he's doing shady things to cover his tracks (deleting calls etc...) only makes this situation even more suspicious. i wouldn't trust him either. i think you need to separate and see if you can work it out that way. maybe it will light the fire under his ass to acknowledge that theres a problem that needs tending to instead of constantly deny deny deny. also he doesn't seem at all that committed to repairing anything if he refuses to go to counseling. any person thats really sorry and know they messed up would be doing anything to make things better. he should be on his best behavior and doing anything you wanted him to right now to prove he was serious and sorry. he's clearly not doing that.
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