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You Asked: Should I Let This Sleeping Dog Lie?

Dear Sugar,
I have been with my boyfriend a little over two years. On Feb. 14 of this year, we got engaged. Prior to the engagement, we discussed having another child — we each came into the relationship with one. He gave into my desires and said we could try at some point. After our engagement, we weren't trying, but weren't not trying and I got pregnant, quickly. He freaked and said some horrible things. He tried to force an abortion on me and got mad when I refused. He then went back and forth saying he would be there for us, but then told me it was over.

We haven't seen each other in over a month and we rarely talk, but when we do, he's cold and heartless, insisting he wants nothing to do with the baby. He says that we would have "been fine" had I not "gone against his wishes and gotten pregnant." My question to you is, should I just let this sleeping dog lie and let him sign away his paternal rights when the baby is born (as he wishes), or should I try to pursue this relationship? — At a Loss Annabelle

To see DearSugar's answer,

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Dear At a Loss Annabelle,

As hard as it might be to walk away from the man you love, I happen to think it's your only option. We all know it takes two to tango, so if you're weren't using protection, it was obviously just a matter of time before you got pregnant. With that said, if he was truly against the idea of having another child, he should have been doing his part (wearing a condom) to avoid this situation.

When people take wedding vows, they commit to love and honor their partner from that day forward. Since you are engaged to take such vows, it's pretty clear from his actions that it was just a matter of time before a breakup ensued. I have to say I'm pretty shocked by his intense anger toward you, so something tells me there's more to this story. Whether or not there is, he doesn't sound like a man you want to be with, or someone you want to father your child. His abusive words are cruel and undeserving (from this vantage point), so I say let the dog sleep and walk away.

Since you don't know what the future holds, I'd hold off on taking away his parental rights legally, but I strongly urge you not to pursue this relationship. Keep your distance and take care of yourself and the baby. If he continues these tirades once the baby is born, I'd advise you to take 100 percent guardianship of your child — the well-being of your family should far outweigh a potential relationship with this man who has made it very clear that he doesn't want to be with you. I wish you luck.

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frenchie77 frenchie77 7 years
What an idiot. I'm so sorry for you. What did he think would happen? If you just let nature take its course, you have a 90% chance of getting pregnant within a year. So if he was in agreement with stopping the BC, he had to know there was a high chance this would happen.
Janine22 Janine22 7 years
It sounds to me like he is angry because he feels that you intentionally got pregnant without telling him that you were. Come on, honestly, did you go off your pills without telling him? Because if he already has one child, he would know that not using a condom or any other protection means that you will get pregnant. Whether you were trying or not, if you were not using protection that means pregnancy will happen, as someone else said. Now that you are in this situation, you must accept the fact that he wants nothing more to do with you or your child. I hope that you have a strong network of family or friends to support you. I don't see any reason for you to pursue this relationship. If he doesn't want to be in it anymore, then you can't make it happen. To be honest, it sounds to me like he didn't really want any more kids, and you tried to talk him into it. You say that 'he gave in' to your desires. I am not really understanding why you would even want to have a child with someone who obviously doesn't really want it. You are going to be a single mom now, so prioritize your child's well being. This man sounds borderline abusive to me, is that really someone that you would want involved in your child's life anyway?
Janine22 Janine22 7 years
It sounds to me like he is angry because he feels that you intentionally got pregnant without telling him that you were. Come on, honestly, did you go off your pills without telling him? Because if he already has one child, he would know that not using a condom or any other protection means that you will get pregnant. Whether you were trying or not, if you were not using protection that means pregnancy will happen, as someone else said. Now that you are in this situation, you must accept the fact that he wants nothing more to do with you or your child. I hope that you have a strong network of family or friends to support you. I don't see any reason for you to pursue this relationship. If he doesn't want to be in it anymore, then you can't make it happen. To be honest, it sounds to me like he didn't really want any more kids, and you tried to talk him into it. You say that 'he gave in' to your desires. I am not really understanding why you would even want to have a child with someone who obviously doesn't really want it. You are going to be a single mom now, so prioritize your child's well being. This man sounds borderline abusive to me, is that really someone that you would want involved in your child's life anyway?
bransugar79 bransugar79 7 years
Sounds like something is off like Dear said. You say you weren't trying but weren't NOT trying. Was he in on this? I mean were you on birth control and then as soon as he "agreed" to another child you stopped taking it without letting him know? I have a feeling we aren't getting the whole story. Either way he clearly is not into taking care of this child, so I'd say if he is OFFERING to sign away his rights let him do it. Otherwise wait unti the baby is born. You don't have to be with this man , which I think is not really ont he table anyway, but it is his child and if he comes around to that even if not to you I think he should have a chance to know his child
Kelliegrl Kelliegrl 7 years
Sounds like he's a bit off his rocker. Why would you want to be with that. It's painful, but life isn't meant to be easy. Do yourself a favor and move on.
bluestar bluestar 7 years
What does "we weren't trying, but we weren't not trying" mean? You didn't talk about it before you stopped using protection? Why would you even want to have a baby with a guy you knew didn't really want one? Makes no sense to me, but you should still try to get child support out of him!
Sun_Sun Sun_Sun 7 years
im sorry that u had to learn this lesson a very hard way:u cannot pressure someone into wanting a child. period.i do blame him for not using his share of protection, especially with him knowing u want a child and he didnt, he should've been the one whos extra careful. and of course his not wanting a baby doesnt excuse his behaviour towards a baby that is already there.
Sun_Sun Sun_Sun 7 years
im sorry that u had to learn this lesson a very hard way: u cannot pressure someone into wanting a child. period. i do blame him for not using his share of protection, especially with him knowing u want a child and he didnt, he should've been the one whos extra careful. and of course his not wanting a baby doesnt excuse his behaviour towards a baby that is already there.
looseseal looseseal 7 years
She said "he gave into my desires" and agreed to try at some point? Sounds like he never wanted another kid in the first place. And then when he reluctantly agreed, it was for "some point", not "right now".I can see why he would be upset. Though it is his own fault for continuing to have sex without protection. ("weren't not trying"? When will people learn that that's as good as "trying"? Your plumbing doesn't care where your mind is at, it just does what it does, which is MAKE REPRODUCTION HAPPEN.)
looseseal looseseal 7 years
She said "he gave into my desires" and agreed to try at some point? Sounds like he never wanted another kid in the first place. And then when he reluctantly agreed, it was for "some point", not "right now". I can see why he would be upset. Though it is his own fault for continuing to have sex without protection. ("weren't not trying"? When will people learn that that's as good as "trying"? Your plumbing doesn't care where your mind is at, it just does what it does, which is MAKE REPRODUCTION HAPPEN.)
Jude-C Jude-C 7 years
That's awful. What an a$$hole.If he's so strongly set against being a part of your child's life, then don't try to change his mind. Your child will be better off without a bitter and unwilling father forced into the picture.
Jude-C Jude-C 7 years
That's awful. What an a$$hole. If he's so strongly set against being a part of your child's life, then don't try to change his mind. Your child will be better off without a bitter and unwilling father forced into the picture.
cubadog cubadog 7 years
I agree with DS on everything but waiting to take away his parental rights, I would start the legal process now and accept that fact that you are going to be the only parent both financially and emotionally to this child now. I do not think he is going to take a look at this child once he or she is born and decide to be a father. It is in the best interest of your family to not have him involved in any way. Your comments about "giving into your desires and trying at some point and weren't trying but weren't not trying" lead me to believe you made the decision to stop using what ever form of birth control or as my sister did not take it correctly so if she got pregnant she got pregnant and surprise she got pregnant. I also agree that there is more to the story, this does not excuse his reaction in anyway but makes me wonder why this annoucement has had such a negative response from him.
jaxon jaxon 7 years
If he never wants to SEE your child fine that's his problem. But do not give in to his childish behavior by absolving him of responsibility for his child (child support). He is manipulating you, he figures if he is SO terrible to you you will either A) abort or B) be so sick of dealing with him you will allow him to give up his rights...You never have to speak to him get what you need to support your child and never speak to him!JMO!
jaxon jaxon 7 years
If he never wants to SEE your child fine that's his problem. But do not give in to his childish behavior by absolving him of responsibility for his child (child support). He is manipulating you, he figures if he is SO terrible to you you will either A) abort or B) be so sick of dealing with him you will allow him to give up his rights... You never have to speak to him get what you need to support your child and never speak to him! JMO!
princess_eab princess_eab 7 years
Oh my God, I'm so sorry this happened to you. It sounds as though he is truly mentally ill and I agree with Dear, you do not need this man around your child. Are you close to family? Do you have anyone who can support you through your pregnancy and after your baby is born? You'll need someone - not only to help you with the kids but for emotional support while getting over this loser.
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