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You Asked: Should I Move in?

Dear Sugar--

I'm currently in a relationship with my girlfriend who has two kids, 4 and 2. She is married and is going through a tough divorce. We have only been together for 5 months, but I absolutely adore and love her. But we are currently in a situation where her ex-husband just shows up, unannounced, to her apartment, and harasses her to get back together with him. It has become a very frustrating situation because my girlfriend has made it very clear that she has no interest and that their marriage is long over.

She has asked me to move in with her, and while I do love her, I just don't feel like we are ready to take that step in our relationship. It is very unsettling for me when her ex comes around her and her kids because he has an abusive past, and I don't want to move in with her to be her protector. Sometimes I just feel like ending it, like there is simply too much baggage, but other times I feel like this could be true love. I am at a total loss and would love some advice. -- Looking out Lawrence

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Looking out Lawrence--

Yes, it does sound like your girlfriend has a lot of baggage, but that isn't to say a solid relationship can't come out of this rocky situation. I think admitting that you are simply not ready to move in with your girlfriend is very bold and honest of you so don't make a move that you will later regret. I understand you want to protect the woman you love, but if you move in with her before you're emotionally ready, you could damage the foundation of a blossoming relationship.

If your girlfriend's ex-husband continues to harass her, you might want to suggest a retraining order -- this man needs to respect her space and desire to move on with her life and it sounds as though he is simply adding more fuel to the fire. She is a grown woman and has to be able to make her own decisions, including standing up for herself and being her own protector. While it is easy to worry about her well being and want to be her knight in shining armor, in the long run you're going to be better off by simply loving her and being there to support her life choices. Once things settle down and you feel ready to take the next step in your relationship, you can re-visit moving in together, but until then, do what feels right and don't compromise your gut instinct. Good luck.

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bandages bandages 9 years
Don't move in with her until you are married and intending to stay with her until ALL of her kids are up and out of the house. It's best for the children. If that's not what you're into break up with her and suggest she focus more on her kids than her dating life.
bfly1133 bfly1133 9 years
Couldn't have said it better myself nicachica! :)
nicachica nicachica 9 years
completely agree Bfly. i think this man sees that he has the potential to become a "bodyguard" instead of a boyfriend and he doesn't want that to be the main reason for moving in with her.
nicachica nicachica 9 years
completely agree Bfly. i think this man sees that he has the potential to become a "bodyguard" instead of a boyfriend and he doesn't want that to be the main reason for moving in with her.
tdotrhom tdotrhom 9 years
I was in a similar situation, I was the woman though. I met my boyfriend before my divorce was final. My ex was known to be violent as well, not towards me but towards other people. I had a 4 year old son and my boyfriend had a 7 year old daughter that he had full custody of. We had many discussions about it and my bf was very unsure as well, he was very upfront about his feelings on the situation. In the end we moved in together, him and my ex got into a huge blow out on the phone about 3 months in but since then things have really turned around. It is now 2½ years later and we are a happy, solid couple. In the end I love him so much more for loving me so much that he was willing to deal with the ‘baggage’. We have not had any problems with my ex and we have a happy healthy family. I wish you the best of luck!
oklahoma oklahoma 9 years
CMATCHER 1, I think your advice is great.. he needs to listen to you.. if that guy loves her, he needs to protect her.. i'm glad your husband was there for you to protect you when your ex got out of control.. !!
cmachter1 cmachter1 9 years
Lawerence....I had married the father of my son...and he was very very abusive..not to mention that we got married very young. My husband now....I met while my x-and I were split up, but I went through the same thing...the x-would come over and try and through his weight around but my now husband would stand up for me....he would be standing off in the distance when the x would stop by just so his presence was known...just to make sure nothing got out of hand. I can understand that you don't want to move in with her...but you do love her..there is nothing wrong with protecting her and not living with her. Going through a nasty divorce is very very draining emotionally and it's nice to know that you have someone you love in your corner
bfly1133 bfly1133 9 years
cgmaetc, I don't think he's saying he doesn't want to protect her at all. I think he is saying that he doesn't want this relationship to move forward simply because this woman needs that right now. I think it is extremely unfair to call him weak because he is fearful of the situation or because it is a difficult relationship he doesn't know if he can handle. He is being honest and open...that is never easy. I give him credit for looking for help.
cgmaetc cgmaetc 9 years
Lawrence: "I don't want to move in with her to be her protector." THAT is the most telling thing you said. You say you love this woman, want to be with her, but you don't want to be her protector? You don't love this woman as much as you say/think you do. You are basically saying, if your ex goes ape-shit, you're on you own, lady! Protecting the woman you love is part of the deal when you live with someone... whether it be crazy ex's, burglars, fires, or very large spiders... that's what a real man does. You are SO not ready to live with together. Don't move in with her. I fact, break it off now. Spare her the disappointment before she discovers what a wimp you really are.
cgmaetc cgmaetc 9 years
Lawrence: "I don't want to move in with her to be her protector."THAT is the most telling thing you said. You say you love this woman, want to be with her, but you don't want to be her protector? You don't love this woman as much as you say/think you do. You are basically saying, if your ex goes ape-shit, you're on you own, lady!Protecting the woman you love is part of the deal when you live with someone... whether it be crazy ex's, burglars, fires, or very large spiders... that's what a real man does.You are SO not ready to live with together. Don't move in with her. I fact, break it off now. Spare her the disappointment before she discovers what a wimp you really are.
auddie auddie 9 years
NO! Ignoring the issue with her ex, this is hardest on her children. Unless you are planning on staying with her long term, and being a father to her children, you absolutely cannot do anything that will put that impression in their minds. Just be supportive for her. A restraining order is a great idea. She needs to start keeping a record of every interaction with her ex, including saving any messages he leaves for her. The more she has, the easier it can be to get a restraining order.
auddie auddie 9 years
NO! Ignoring the issue with her ex, this is hardest on her children. Unless you are planning on staying with her long term, and being a father to her children, you absolutely cannot do anything that will put that impression in their minds. Just be supportive for her. A restraining order is a great idea. She needs to start keeping a record of every interaction with her ex, including saving any messages he leaves for her. The more she has, the easier it can be to get a restraining order.
Masqueraded_Angel Masqueraded_Angel 9 years
I also say no. Not only for her, but the children as well. Let her hash out the divorce, child support and custody issues first...give it a little while and then talk about it again. And before you move in, really think about whether or not you're in this for the long run. I completely agree with Dear's advice.And also, might I just say that I applaud you for being supportive and mature about this relationship? Most men wouldn't give a woman the time of day in that kind of situation. Bravo.
Masqueraded_Angel Masqueraded_Angel 9 years
I also say no. Not only for her, but the children as well. Let her hash out the divorce, child support and custody issues first...give it a little while and then talk about it again. And before you move in, really think about whether or not you're in this for the long run. I completely agree with Dear's advice. And also, might I just say that I applaud you for being supportive and mature about this relationship? Most men wouldn't give a woman the time of day in that kind of situation. Bravo.
lisett lisett 9 years
If you're not ready then simply no. But you do love her, just don't simply end it but continue it for a while and see how things go on from there. Then if you still feel the same then move on.
Marci Marci 9 years
I say no. She needs to get her life in order, the ex husband situation resolved, before she can have a real relationship you. I agree about the restraining order suggestion if husband continues to harrass her.
Marci Marci 9 years
I say no. She needs to get her life in order, the ex husband situation resolved, before she can have a real relationship you. I agree about the restraining order suggestion if husband continues to harrass her.
oklahoma oklahoma 9 years
I think its great that you are man enough to ask for advice in the first place, and admitting how much you love this woman, and are williing to be there for her and her children. I hate that her ex will be the one that may make this not work. Don't punish her or the kids because of his actions. If you love her, be with her. She needs to get a restraining order against him. Why don't you guys move in w/ each other and move away from "him". I feel like you will be punishing yourself too if you leave the situation because of what this guys is going to her. Good luck..
cubadog cubadog 9 years
I agree. There is too much going on in her life right now and she needs to focus on her divorce and children. As far as the husband goes she needs to start calling the police every time he comes over and get a restraining order.
kperry2414 kperry2414 9 years
Don't do it. For her sake. She'll be moving straight from one man to the next which will turn her into someone who cannot be independent. Prime example=my mom. She has been married to two men back to back for 30 years, is now finally getting divorced and has no sense of independence.
ccsugar ccsugar 9 years
If you're not ready to move in yet, don't. Dear got it right when she said it could hurt a blossoming relationship. Also... What effect could it have on her children? They're so young, and what if you do move in, they become emotionally attached to you and see you as their father figure... But what IF things don't work out with you and their girlfriend, and you end up breaking up and moving out? It sounds like these children have been through a lot already, just take them into consideration when you make your decision. :)
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