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You Asked: Should I Move in With Him?

Dear Sugar--

I am 33 years old. I was in a dead-end relationship for 9 years and lived with someone who really had no intention of marrying me; he was even afraid to talk about it. I moved out and broke up with him in December, moved in with a friend of mine and began dating a man that I have known for 8 years and things have been WONDERFUL!

I now need to move again because my roommate is getting married. Only trouble is I really cannot afford another move, let alone another apartment. I have been dating my new beau since December (again, have been good friends for 8 years) and he wants me to move in with him. He has offered to buy a new house with me; add me to the deed; he isn't asking me to pay anything, he says he just wants me happy and safe and settled with the stability I long for. My father says why wait another 9 years to see if it works, that I should just go for it. I am excited and want to, but I know I will hear a lot of "opinions" that I am doing the wrong thing. Do you have any words of wisdom?

--Excited (but unsure) Eliza

To hear DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Excited (but unsure) Eliza--

Since you have known this guy for 8 years, and you love him and he loves you, I say why not go for it! It sounds like he's really caring and sincere, and is exciting about sharing a home with you. I am a firm believer in living with someone before making the lifetime commitment of marriage, so if you feel in your heart that this guy "could be the one," take a chance!

Since you were with someone in a previous relationship that wasn't into marriage, you want to make sure you know what you're getting into before you pack up and move in. Casually have a chat with your beau and find out what his future plans are, if he wants to get married someday and whether or not he wants kids. Tell him what you want too - lay it all out on the table so this doesn't turn into another dead-end relationship.

Don't worry what anyone else thinks. People will always have opinions no matter what you do, so just follow your gut. You'll never know unless you give it a try Eliza. Who knows, this could be your future husband! How exciting! I hope everything works out for you.

Source

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Join The Conversation
kayden kayden 8 years
Go for it ! If this is what you want to do in your heart.Don't do it for money. Do it because you guys are ready to go to the next step in your relationship.Good Luck!!
kayden kayden 8 years
Go for it ! If this is what you want to do in your heart. Don't do it for money. Do it because you guys are ready to go to the next step in your relationship. Good Luck!!
sevendayrain sevendayrain 8 years
I say go for it! He seems like a great guy!:)
auddie auddie 8 years
Go for it, but definitely talk first about what you both see for the future.Don't buy anything together though! A mortgage is much harder to get out of than a marriage. You can put together something in writing (even get a lawyer involved if you want) that states what the financial obligations are if you are living in a home that one of you owns. Even renting together can be a bad idea, sometimes it's better if you are legally subletting part of the apartment from the actual renter(this saved me when my last relationship ended, as I was able to get out without owing any rent to him or being stuck with the lease on an apartment I couldn't afford alone).
auddie auddie 8 years
Go for it, but definitely talk first about what you both see for the future. Don't buy anything together though! A mortgage is much harder to get out of than a marriage. You can put together something in writing (even get a lawyer involved if you want) that states what the financial obligations are if you are living in a home that one of you owns. Even renting together can be a bad idea, sometimes it's better if you are legally subletting part of the apartment from the actual renter(this saved me when my last relationship ended, as I was able to get out without owing any rent to him or being stuck with the lease on an apartment I couldn't afford alone).
labador labador 8 years
I basically agree, though I think you should have a bit more than a casual chat about future plans. If you have expectations of marriage/family in the near future, you should lay those thoughts out. And if you aren't happy, consider roommates or a temporary situation until you are. Good luck!
blingbling blingbling 8 years
I am a firm believer in cohabition before marriage - BUT...I'm concerned you can't survive on your own - and I don't think it's ever a good idea for a woman to depend so much on a man. I think you need to make it work on your own and not rely on him. I also think it's ALWAYS a bad idea to move in together faster than you normally would because of financial reasons. I also think its a horrible idea to put your name on a deed if you're not married. God forbid something happens down the line and you have a nighmare trying to untangle THAT mess. You could end up being financially responsible for something you can't even remotely afford. Which could cause you to stay in a bad situation longer than you should. (I speak from experience.)So I think you need to get your own place. When your lease is up see how things are going and then re-evaluate - if things are still fabu, THEN move in with him. You need to live on your own just to prove to yourself that you CAN do it. And because regardless of how long you've known this guy, living together now is just too soon.
blingbling blingbling 8 years
I am a firm believer in cohabition before marriage - BUT... I'm concerned you can't survive on your own - and I don't think it's ever a good idea for a woman to depend so much on a man. I think you need to make it work on your own and not rely on him. I also think it's ALWAYS a bad idea to move in together faster than you normally would because of financial reasons. I also think its a horrible idea to put your name on a deed if you're not married. God forbid something happens down the line and you have a nighmare trying to untangle THAT mess. You could end up being financially responsible for something you can't even remotely afford. Which could cause you to stay in a bad situation longer than you should. (I speak from experience.) So I think you need to get your own place. When your lease is up see how things are going and then re-evaluate - if things are still fabu, THEN move in with him. You need to live on your own just to prove to yourself that you CAN do it. And because regardless of how long you've known this guy, living together now is just too soon.
hills hills 8 years
u say u want to and are excited, i say go for it, know one knows ur relashionship better than u and your bf so their opinions arnt really that important, even ur dad said its a good idea, wel thats fab. fact is if u had only known eachother for not v long then it would b completly different but as u have known eachother as long as u have and are happy then i think there is no harm in going with it. i think ur in a really fab situation as u say ur happy, he wants u to move in and ur parents are kl with it. good luck
meganekko meganekko 8 years
go for it and best of luck to you both~<3
meganekko meganekko 8 years
go for it and best of luck to you both~<3
ninjastarlett ninjastarlett 8 years
I think there's a DS article with a checklist to see if you're ready to move in together.
HelloKittyMini HelloKittyMini 8 years
Life is too short to wait for the "one" or a perfect relationship. If this is good and it feels right for your current state in life, I say go for it. Putting pressure on yourself or your mate for marriage or kids is too much. What will be will be. If you think living with him now is the right choice, go for it. Enjoy life for what it is!Best of Luck!
HelloKittyMini HelloKittyMini 8 years
Life is too short to wait for the "one" or a perfect relationship. If this is good and it feels right for your current state in life, I say go for it. Putting pressure on yourself or your mate for marriage or kids is too much. What will be will be. If you think living with him now is the right choice, go for it. Enjoy life for what it is! Best of Luck!
MeRsal MeRsal 8 years
You'll regret if you don't make your next step in your life, my advise ( Go for it )
vanyvrgs vanyvrgs 8 years
Ups, clara didn't see your response first, glad am not alone....
vanyvrgs vanyvrgs 8 years
Ok so you started dating him right after you broke up with someone that you were with for 9 years and six months later you want to move in with him. I think is too fast -- this may be the rebound guy. Yes it is nice he wants you to move in with him and put you on the deed without you paying anything. Has this guy always been in love with ya? I would be weary about your rebound aspects among all things. Sorry to be the negative but think about it real well and don't just do it cause you cannot afford moving somewhere else right now.
clarapl clarapl 8 years
So no one thinks this is a bit fast?? Jumping straight out of a 9-year relationship/cohabitation into a relationship with someone else, then buying a house with the new guy after 6 months of dating? What about time on your own? Were you living with your ex for the past 9 years? I'm not saying not to date this guy, but isn't it better to establish your own life first as a basis for a serious relationship? (I'm really not trying to rain on your parade! If he's really a quality guy, putting the breaks on a bit shouldn't push him away.)
clarapl clarapl 8 years
So no one thinks this is a bit fast?? Jumping straight out of a 9-year relationship/cohabitation into a relationship with someone else, then buying a house with the new guy after 6 months of dating? What about time on your own? Were you living with your ex for the past 9 years? I'm not saying not to date this guy, but isn't it better to establish your own life first as a basis for a serious relationship? (I'm really not trying to rain on your parade! If he's really a quality guy, putting the breaks on a bit shouldn't push him away.)
rubialala rubialala 8 years
Go for it!
sugar-n-spice sugar-n-spice 8 years
Sounds like a sweet deal! Best of luck w/ talking to him!
MrDPember MrDPember 8 years
Go for it or you might always regret it!
Brians-Girl Brians-Girl 8 years
i agree with sugar.. you have known him 8 years so your not just up and movin in with a complete stranger that you just started dating. I have only known my boyfriend for 3 years.. friends that is and dating for just over a year now and i would move in with him in a second. So i think you are going to be ok. And hey listen to your daddy he knows whats best for his little girl.... he wouldn't say go for it if he thought nothing good would come of it
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