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You Asked: Should I Move in With My Boyfriend?

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of six months recently asked me to move in with him. We're together every night and he first suggested I move in to his place, but he changed his mind when he found a house he wanted to buy. The deal he proposed was that he'd pay the mortgage and the house would be in his name, and I'd help out with the bills and groceries as best I can (I'm currently trying to pay off my student loans). While living together sounds great, I'm worried that if something should happen down the road, I could end up homeless and left with nothing. Is this a common fear when cohabiting? Do you have any advice? — Decision-Making Time Tanya

To see DearSugar's answer,

.

Dear Decision-Making Time Tanya,

Moving in together is a huge step in a relationship, so being 100 percent ready is crucial. With that said, you can never be prepared for the unexpected, and fights and struggles will definitely ensue, so be aware that communication will be key.

Money is obviously a big part of cohabitation, but if you split the mortgage or just pay the bills, you'd still be in the same boat if things were to go south later on down the road — if the house is in his name, you'd be the one to move out. While I'm a big advocate of living together before marriage, doing it prematurely could wreak havoc on an otherwise good relationship. Weigh your options together and if you're willing to take a chance, I say go for — it could end up being the best thing for your relationship. Good luck!

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Join The Conversation
HelloAnia HelloAnia 7 years
I think that if you were to move into his house and things were to go sour, you could very well find your own apartment to rent, so I wouldn't consider being homeless an issue in the situation, I think the situation is whether you are "READY" to not. My boyfriend and I moved in together after 3 months and now 7 months later I don't regret that one bit, you have the same chances of dating someone for 4 years, moving in and not have it work out. It depends on the people and the situation. If your heart is in, I would go for it.
sparklestar sparklestar 7 years
LET ME TELL YOU MY STORY. A year ago (to the day) I was dumped by a guy I'd been with for 1.5 years. We moved in together after about 6 months and it felt right. You can't guarantee the future of a relationship and it was a similar kind of situation. He already owned his house and had a mortgage and everything and he said "oh you just pay towards the bills and groceries"... yeah... So anyway, I was a student and on a very low income. He started spending more and then he needed contributions to various things like new plates, new washing machine (because these things benefited me to he made me pay towards them) and various house related things. I asked him to put me on the mortgage if he wanted me to pay half of everything. He refused. He decided that he would get house insurance (why he didn't have it already is beyond me!!) and he told me that if I DIDN'T PAY HALF then he would be the one in the hotel when the house burned down and I would be the one on the streets. Um, right. Mr Nice Guy wasn't so nice anymore. Luckily for me I had a friend I could go to when he decided to (weird, he just signed onto my IM... speak of the devil!!) he wanted to break up. The reasons for the break up were commitment issues etc. and I basically had figured that much out from the fact he DIDN'T WANT ME ON THE MORTGAGE. So this is entirely up to you but I had an extremely bad experience and I would NEVER EVER move into a mortgaged house with somebody I wasn't under joint names on the mortgage with. For sure.
itsme3683 itsme3683 7 years
I decided to move in with my boyfriend after only 6 months (although it was another 6 months before our leases ran out and we moved in) and I think it's fine. I've also had friends who cohabited after 5 years and ended up terribly. It completely depends on the relationship. It seems like he's being really good about sorting out the mortgage situation and everything, so I say go for it!
ella1978 ella1978 7 years
Ultimately OP, it's up to you. You have to trust your gut. I bought a house a year and a half ago, and my BF moved in with me. We had been together almost a year and a half at that point, and we were pretty sure we were "it" for each other at that time. It has worked amazingly well for us. We dont' fight about chores. He mows the lawn and takes out the garbage. I clean the house, tend to the flowers, etc. We both cook and clean the dishes. We have discussions about money, but never fights. We know what we both want. I do agree that it prolongs the "pre-engagement" period. If we weren't living together, we'd probably be engaged or even married by now. But I know him better now than I ever would have if we hadn't lived together. Next month is our three-year anniversary. Six months is sort of quick. You are still enjoying dating. Living together is a change. You are together all the time, and you aren't "dating", you are in a live-in commitment. You come home from a bad day, there are there, there is no escaping. You have to schedule time with your friends and alone time so that you do keep your own sanity. If you need any other tips, just ask around, I'm sure there are plenty of people here that could help you out! Just be sure it's what you really want first. There is a lot to be said for intuition.
bchicgrl bchicgrl 7 years
If you feel your ready, I say go for it but start a savings so if things do end you will have money saved up and can find a new place to live right away.
melizzle melizzle 7 years
too soon.
esw esw 7 years
six months? i have been with my boyfriend for 2 yrs and i am still skepical about moving with him! i think you should wait.
karlotta karlotta 7 years
What I would do, if I were you, is move in. What I would advise you to do, because now I'm older and wiser, is to wait a bit. Not for safety purposes, because a relationship can go south at any moment; but for ENJOYMENT purposes. Moving in changes a relationship. In many ways, it's harder. It's more work. It's less fun. It's less free. And it's a shame to already give up the happy light-hearted beginnings - after just 6 months! So I would continue to date for a while and enjoy that before jumping on the serious bandwagon.
Berlin Berlin 7 years
My advice....if you have to fear that he may be the type of guy to leave you homeless if things end up not working out between the two of you, then he's either (1) not the guy for you or (2) it's not time to move in yet. You need to be able to trust that you won't be left with nothing if things turn up sour! I was living with several boyfirends (not at the same time of course lol!) and I always let them keep the apartment an moved out myself. But my lastest we were together 4+ years, split, and he's having me stay with him until I can have not only $ for a years rent, but also enough $ to buy furniture & etc. to fill an apartment of my own when I leave. That's love and trust & true vulnerability to trust your life to another person. If you aren't ready to do that, then you should hold off moving in. I regret moving in so fast with my current b/c I feel we'd still be together if I had my own place...some people just need that space to grow. You have to decide what's best for you, and I wish you the best of luck.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 7 years
Their are apparent drawbacks to having and not having your name on that mortgage. Stay in your own space(or get one) and live your life. 6 months of dating isn't even a blip on the radar, you don't know where you'll be or if you'll be together in another 6 months.
krissycake krissycake 7 years
well, i have been dating my BF for six months and he actually proposed the idea of moving in together after we had been dating for two months. He was moving out of his apt and into a rental home. I have my own condo, and have not fully moved out of there, but I spend 95 percent of the time with him, and while we're still very 'honeymoon-ish,' we have serious conversations and discussions about money and the future and everything like that. We still go on dates and make plans for fun things like vacations and stuff, but we really just enjoy the extra time together. Every relationship is different, so while it's good to ask advice from others, you are the only one who knows what will work for you.
queenlizzie queenlizzie 7 years
My partner and I are living together right now. The mortgage is in my name only, and he pays me a flat amount every month, basically the equivalent to paying utilities. So, we're in the same position you would be--except we've been together for over 5 years. I don't think we would have been ready for such a big step only 6 months into our relationship. If you do move forward and move in together, I would strongly recommend speaking with an attorney before attempting to "get your name on the mortgage." It's really not that simple in real estate (not in most states, anyway). It's not like adding your name to a lease; you're making a commitment with a bank that you'll pay for property you intend to own. In order to add your name to the mortgage, you may need to go through a credit check with the lending bank, they might charge fees, may encourage refinancing, etc. The lending industry isn't very accommodating to unmarried people who want to buy real estate, and that's for a very good reason--the law hasn't really caught up with the fact that unmarried people are buying real estate together, so if you do break up, there's no protection for either party on the mortgage, which can often lead to lengthy legal battles. You're still responsible for payments on the home, even if you don't live there anymore. It's easier to have one person's name on the mortgage and, if something doesn't work out later on, you can move out without being tied to payments on a house you no longer live in.
hope2be hope2be 7 years
Yep, OP. That's the common fear :p Think about it first, weigh the pro and cons and decide the best FOR YOU and always save up for 'rainy days' (you never know what's going to happen) especially if you move in. Personally, I'd only move in if I'm engaged and that's what I did with my fiancee.
meechie meechie 7 years
If you do move in set a side some cash every month for a back up plan just in case.
sass317 sass317 7 years
After living with one boyfriend and it ending in complete disaster (we had probably been together 6 months or so when we moved in together) I swore off living with guys until it was the guy I was marrying. My husband and I lived together after we got engaged. I just dont think you should live together bc its more convenient- it should be bc you are ready to take that next step.
dm8bri dm8bri 7 years
Definitely put some thought into whether you want to commit THAT much to your bf. Living together is huge. Even if it turns out well, it's a big change, commitment and experience. Also, it would be worse if he wanted the mortgage in your name as well - if things went south you'd have a much harder time getting back on your feet with a house to unload. If you guys break up, no big deal, just move to a new apartment or whatever. In this economy, it's pretty sweet to have a no-rent-just-bills deal. I would, however, make sure he won't hold that over your head and guilt you into doing an unfair share of household chores or buying all the groceries or whatever. Maybe don't go so far as to draw up a contract, but be crystal clear about splitting responsibilities and what each of you is comfortable with and come to an agreement.
darkkissezz darkkissezz 7 years
Don't do it. I live with mine and it was one of the biggest mistakes I ever made. We have lived together about 2 years now and been together for 3 and I have paid 95% of the rent and bills because he can't keep a job. What if yours loses his job and he asks you to help out more? You'd either have to do it or move out and if you moved out he'd probably be pretty upset. I work 7 days a week to pay the bills and I miss my independence!!
missangelique999 missangelique999 7 years
I agree with the others that six months really isn't enough time in a relationship to make concrete plans for the future and move in with each other. My last boyfriend and I were together for at least a year and a half before we even talked about living together. If you wait, you'll be more comfortable and then you won't have to worry about things like "what if we break up", etc.
kristyy kristyy 7 years
First, I think 6 months is too soon. But then again, that's your call. Second, I don't know why someone suggested getting your name on the mortgage. If he is buying the house with his own money, then it is HIS house. Just because you're his gf doesn't mean you have any legal rights to it, especially if you didn't contribute any money to the purchase of it. With that said, if you decide to go forward, look at this kind of like a roommate situation - and I don't mean this as treating your bf like a roommate. But if things don't go well, one of you would have to move out - in this case, you, since he owns the house. If the same were to happen with a regular roommate, one of you would have to move out. So same thing. Whether you live with your bf or rent a room from a friend, you'd be left searching for a new place anyway if things turned sour. Just have a backup plan should it ever come to that, such as a friend that you can temporarily stay with, etc. Don't move in with him just because of the money issue. But if you do feel it's right, then his arrangement will definitely help with your finances.
katiekat95 katiekat95 7 years
I was just in your situation. My boyfriend and I had been together for 6 months and he asked me to move in. He bought a house and both of us have a lot of student loans and bills. I moved in officially 6 weeks ago and it's been an adjustment since we've both lived alone for a while now and we fight occassionally about the dishes/trash/laundry...but it's just like getting used to any roommate. I've very happy we moved in together :). Over the summer (when I am bringing in 2 full time salaries-I'm a teacher) I am going to look at purchasing a townhouse in our area. We talked about doing this as extra income and renting it out. But I'm also doing it just incase something happens...I will have my own house in my name. Good luck with your decision!
bikinib7 bikinib7 7 years
I've been with my boyfriend for three years and even if I could, I wouldn't move in with him right now. I think that if we get engaged in the future, I would move in with him. I think we'd make it now if we tried since we're already way past the honeymoon phase and already pretty comfortable with each other, due to extended "sleepovers" and frequent traveling together, plus the three years. However, since you've only been dating this person for such a short time, continue enjoying DATING. I miss it, I really do. I miss the excitement of meeting for dates and countdowns until we spend a night together. Enjoy the sparks and excitement. I know financially it might be hard for you right now, but I think you should just continue doing what you're doing now. Maybe you'll move in together in a year or so. Take it slow. :)
Beauty Beauty 7 years
I wouldn't do it, personally. Six months isn't a very long time to date someone before moving in.
babysoftpink babysoftpink 7 years
Bottom line is never ever do this unless you are married or engaged in a serious way (with a wedding date set and with important people in your life witnessing the event). But of course, it's your choice, so please proceed if you feel this is a right decision for you. Best of luck to you.
geebers geebers 7 years
I don't agree that this is the same as being a roommate or paying a landlord rent. You are in an intimate relationship and that is totally different. I think if you can find another place to stay and have your own place - it is a much better idea. Moving in with him is risky enough but moving into a place he owns is even riskier. Why the rush? The truth is, I would be very hesitant to move in with my boyfriend if he owned the place unless we were engaged or were together long enough to practically be the same as married. You are going to be under HIS roof- it is not a shared situation. Think about that. If you rented together it is a completely different situation.
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