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You Asked: Should I Trust my Gut?


Dear Sugar--
I have been with my fiance for three years now. We actually just got engaged this past December. I am a single mom, and the rules I set for myself with dating somewhat interfered with my dating relationship when we first met. The first two and a half years we only went out while my son was with his father. It was important for me to not get a babysitter if I didn't absolutely have to, and since I have that time when he goes to his Dad's, it's worked out pretty well. My fiance and I moved in together in November, and for the first time, it's like we are having a "normal" relationship.

But lately, I've been having this strong gut instinct that I shouldn't continue with this relationship. I have previously been married and didn't listen to my gut when I should have so I'm a little worried that I am having the same feelings. I spoke to my fiance early this week and told him that I had been having some doubts and that maybe we needed to take some time so I can figure out what's going on. But, I have this overwhelming feeling that I just need out right now and need to end it. I hate to do this to both my son and my fiance, but I just can't ignore this feeling I have. My son and I are staying with my parents for a little while but I can't help but feel like a total ass because I'm ready for it to end and he's completely heartbroken. What should I do with the guilt? --Second Guessing Gilda

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Dear Second Guessing Gilda--

I am sorry you are feeling at a cross road in your relationship. Since you were so cautious with your son while dating your current boyfriend, you must really love this man to take your relationship to where it is today. While I am a firm believer in listening to your gut instincts and following your heart, make sure you are not confusing loss of love with fear. While it is clear you have been hurt in the past, could you simply not be ready to jump back into another marriage?

It is perfectly normal to have cold feet before your wedding but make sure you don't make any snap decisions. Have you looked into couples counseling, or seeing a therapist yourself to talk through any fears you may be experiencing?

If you truly feel you have made up your mind, the gut is an extremely powerful emotion, then trust yourself. Although you feel guilty for hurting your fiance, you will be hurting him, and yourself much more by going through the motions and following through with this marriage if your heart isn't in it. You need to take care of yourself and your child first. I commend you for being so courageous and honest with yourself and your fiance. Regardless of the outcome here, have faith that everything will work out if it is meant to be. Good luck to you.

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