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You Asked: Should I Trust my Gut?

Dear Sugar--
I have been with my fiance for three years now. We actually just got engaged this past December. I am a single mom, and the rules I set for myself with dating somewhat interfered with my dating relationship when we first met. The first two and a half years we only went out while my son was with his father. It was important for me to not get a babysitter if I didn't absolutely have to, and since I have that time when he goes to his Dad's, it's worked out pretty well. My fiance and I moved in together in November, and for the first time, it's like we are having a "normal" relationship.

But lately, I've been having this strong gut instinct that I shouldn't continue with this relationship. I have previously been married and didn't listen to my gut when I should have so I'm a little worried that I am having the same feelings. I spoke to my fiance early this week and told him that I had been having some doubts and that maybe we needed to take some time so I can figure out what's going on. But, I have this overwhelming feeling that I just need out right now and need to end it. I hate to do this to both my son and my fiance, but I just can't ignore this feeling I have. My son and I are staying with my parents for a little while but I can't help but feel like a total ass because I'm ready for it to end and he's completely heartbroken. What should I do with the guilt? --Second Guessing Gilda

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Second Guessing Gilda--

I am sorry you are feeling at a cross road in your relationship. Since you were so cautious with your son while dating your current boyfriend, you must really love this man to take your relationship to where it is today. While I am a firm believer in listening to your gut instincts and following your heart, make sure you are not confusing loss of love with fear. While it is clear you have been hurt in the past, could you simply not be ready to jump back into another marriage?

It is perfectly normal to have cold feet before your wedding but make sure you don't make any snap decisions. Have you looked into couples counseling, or seeing a therapist yourself to talk through any fears you may be experiencing?

If you truly feel you have made up your mind, the gut is an extremely powerful emotion, then trust yourself. Although you feel guilty for hurting your fiance, you will be hurting him, and yourself much more by going through the motions and following through with this marriage if your heart isn't in it. You need to take care of yourself and your child first. I commend you for being so courageous and honest with yourself and your fiance. Regardless of the outcome here, have faith that everything will work out if it is meant to be. Good luck to you.

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Join The Conversation
candy-apple candy-apple 8 years
oh and completely off the subject- is anyone else freaked out by that picture??? it looks like she's not wearing any pants but her leg's not bare. or is that a third arm? and where's the other leg? wtf?!
candy-apple candy-apple 8 years
as others have pointed out, you might be confusing gut instinct with fear- which is also something i do a lot. you're afraid of making the wrong decision, of changing something in a life that was fine the way it was and worried that the change might wreck it. i guess you just need to re-learn how to take risks. the guy sounds perfect, treats you and your child well and the fact you've stayed with him until now shows you care for him. you need to ask yourself why do you feel like breaking it off now that the big day's approaching? would you still have that gut feeling that the relationship's over if you weren't getting married but "just" chose to live together like so many other couples? there's nothing wrong with not getting married. i personally don't see much of a difference. please just don't rush into it: you might hate yourself for it later on.
iheartfooty iheartfooty 8 years
I say listen to your gut instincts, mine aren't often wrong.
Cycy Cycy 8 years
I don't know what I could advice you to do. I just want to let you know that the April issue of O magazine has a great focus on gut instincts. Try reading that. All the best.
grl-in-the-world grl-in-the-world 8 years
It sounds like the end of your first marriage may have scared you so much that you are terrified this relationship might end the same way. Do you think you might be sabotaging this now to avoid heartbreak you are secretly afraid is in your future? If this guy treats you and your child well, then don't give up too soon! Try counselling, and be honest with yourself about why you are feeling this way. If you end a good thing you may regret it for the rest of your life, so don't make any rush decisions.
popB popB 8 years
DON'T GIVE UP YET! YOU'RE GUT COULD BE SO WRONG! I myself went into a relationship I wasn't sure of. He wasn't sure either. We had a breif break-up, and when I got back into it my gut kept telling me to GET OUT! I am so glad I didn't listen! We have been living together for 1 1/2 years now and getting better everyday!!! It was hard to get that fear out of my head, thankfully my heart was in overdrive!
pinupsweetheart pinupsweetheart 8 years
I agree with Oread. It wouldn't hurt to go to a couple counselor before the big day. I seems like you are just being cautious regarding the new marriage based on the outcome of your past marriage. I know you want to prevent exposing your young son to the same heartbreak you went through with your ex. Good Luck!
Oread Oread 8 years
You don't say why you have this feeling, ; I agree that some counseling & time might be good, it doesn't sound like your fiancé has done anything wrong, hopefully you can work through this.
honeysugar28 honeysugar28 8 years
If you have this overwhelming feeling that the relationship's over then you need to be honest with your fiance its not fair for him to try to make something work that it just isn't because you're dead set that it won't. I don't know the details of why things have changed between you and your fiance you must've loved him once enough to move in with him. Maybe you're worried about your son or another failed marriage? In love and relationships there are no guarantees your best bet is to take care of you make sure you're ok emotionally for whatever happens when you're healthy emotionally then you can give love another try.
cubadog cubadog 8 years
I think you should get some counseling so you can figure out the true root of what is going on with you. You wouldn't want to do something that you might regret later.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
If this guy is in any way abusive then definitely get out. But it sounds like you might just be plain scared! I don't know... I often think that people who have been hurt before have trouble being sure about people in the future. After all, if you are sure once and you got burned, how can you be sure again? Either way, postponing the wedding plans would be a good idea so you can have some time to think things through. Good luck.
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