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You Asked: Should I Wait for Him?

DearSugar --

The man that I have been in love with for several years is finally divorced. He called at first and I just didn't give him the green light because I felt that he needed some time alone, or playing the field before starting up a relationship. When I did not jump in, I think he felt a bit rejected and he hasn't called in a couple of months. I know that from the start we have had a very deep connection. Will he get past his getting over and moving on, and then come back to me? Or will he find someone else? ~ Patient Pamela

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Dear Patient Pamela --

It seems there's something missing in your note, and I can't quite put my finger on it. I presume you and this fellow did not have an affair while he was married, and yet you knew him well enough to form a deep connection and to fall in love. Were you friends? If so, it might be wise to have a conversation with him about your needs and your fears, and decide together how to navigate this post-divorce period.

I think you're wise to move slowly and deliberately during this time. Coping with the upheaval, grief, anger and disorientation after a divorce makes it difficult to cleanly negotiate new relationships. Mourning shouldn't be skipped, nor should a period of reflection and self-examination. A very high percentage of second marriages fail, and I suspect it's due, in part, to a reluctance to see one's pain through to its conclusion. However, the fact that you're anxious and riddled with questions suggests to me that you haven't asserted yourself or your needs in this relationship.

He might be feeling rejected, or he might be taking some time for himself: there's no way to know. Either way, if your connection will weather this time, you must have an honest conversation and set some reasonable expectations. Perhaps you begin meeting for coffee every other week? Maybe you have dinner once a month? Or you take a walk together every now and again on Sundays?

I don't know if this is something worth taking a look at or not, Pamela, but I like this list and website, and I think it has a lot to offer, especially if we're confused about the emotional availability of a man. It couldn't hurt to spend a few minutes reading the posts. Please take care of yourself, and I wish you luck.


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