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You Asked: Should I Wait and See if He Changes His Mind?

Dear Sugar,

Back in July my boyfriend confessed that he lied to me about being a virgin — he had actually been with six girls before me. He was my first and it hurt terribly that someone I loved would lie to my for a year and half. I forgave him because I loved him and he genuinely was sorry; the guilt was eating away at him. In the end, he asked for a break and I was devastated. Apparently he had to work out some issues regarding his family and his job. I asked him specifically what a break meant, and he said he just wanted a month without contact.

I haven't seen him for about three weeks. We've both been incredibly busy, but I'm willing to make time and he's not. I asked to spend a day with him and he finally said OK. He blew me off and I waited around like an idiot. I called and left an angry voicemail and instead of calling me back, he proceeded to email me the next day only to go on about a blow-out fight he had with his parents. I replied back that instead of shutting me out he needs to open up to me. He is miserable and seems depressed. He says that he loves me but everything is too crazy right now for him to be in a relationship.

I just don't know where to go from here. I love him and I want to be together, but he can't seem to make the time for me. I know that what we have isn't a real relationship right now so is it over or should I sit tight and see what happens? I'm an emotional basket case and can't stop thinking about all of it.

— I'm a Basket Case Bryn

To see DearSugar's answer,

.

Dear I'm a Basket Case Bryn,

Finding yourself in relationship limbo is always very confusing and oftentimes overwhelming. It's difficult to focus on anything else in your life if your relationship feels off-balance, but I think you were right to ask how you can be with someone who doesn't make time for you. The answer is you can't — a relationship takes two people. It's clear that your boyfriend is not willing to make something work with you right now and you're right again, you do deserve better.

You can certainly wait around for him in the hopes that he'll change, but if you do, prepare yourself for the likelihood that he may never come back around. Or you can decide to take some time for yourself and figure out why you're so willing to sacrifice your happiness for a person who is emotionally unavailable to you. With the latter you certainly won't be let down, and you might just open yourself up to some amazing possibilities.

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JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 8 years
He seems like he's being really selfish and isn't mature enough for a relationship. Give him his week and talk to him whenever you can and see if he even wants to be with you and tell him what you need him to do if you are to stay together.
foxie foxie 8 years
My advice is a little book called "He's Just Not That Into You." Go get a copy!
chipjimi chipjimi 8 years
You can't have a relationship with someone who doesn't want one with you.
Janine22 Janine22 8 years
Don't wait around for this guy! He does not deserve you, and he lied just to get into your pants! Find someone better. Also, I just wanted to add that if he lied about something that big, the chances are good that he will lie about many other things as well. He is SOOOOOOOOOOOOO not worth your time girl.
ilanac13 ilanac13 8 years
well the first question is WHY did he lie about being a virgin...was it because you had expressed that you were one and didn't want to be someone that was TOO experienced or did he say it cause that's what he thought you wanted to hear. i don't know why a guy would choose to lie about that honestly - but i guess i'll never understand men. i think that the biggest issue is that you agreed to 'take a break' and when you tried to make plans, he still didn't make the effort with you. if he was in a bad mood about a fight with his parents then he should have text you or called you to let you know that he wasn't in a good mood and that he wouldn't do you justice to hang out when the goal of seeing each other that day was to try to get back on track and that wasn't going to happen in his current state. honestly, it sounds like he's being a bit selfish and if he's doing that now - then months from now he;ll probably do the same thing. you deserve better...and i think that if you don't move on and let yourself be open to new guys, you'll be doing yourself more harm than good. i would just wash my hands of him, and get back out there to find someone who's never going to want to take a break from you!
lilCROAT03 lilCROAT03 8 years
ok whoever the OP is it's going to hurt reading 'he doesn't want you' or 'he's over you'...no matter what sometimes hearing that can be hurtful years after a break up. so i'm not going to say that to you right now. what i AM going to say is that one day you will regret all the time you spent worrying about this guy because when you least expect it you're going to meet your soul mate. DON'T LOOK FOR HIM! just wait. get a hobby, you seem busy so throw yourself into your work/school whatevs. don't let him push and pull you any longer. he senses your weakness and is harping on it when he feels necessary- probably for his own man-ego. it's not a good position for you and he has already made one very very very big mistake in lying to you on the foundation of your relationship... there is nothing else to say except LIBERATE YOURSELF FROM HIS BULLSHIT!
sparklestar sparklestar 8 years
He's just not that into you. Move on, find somebody who is.
Amaia Amaia 8 years
Girlfriend i feel YOU !! I HAVE A BOYFRIEND WHO SAYS HE IS A VIRGIN BC HE KNOWS THAT IAM ONE.. BUT IVE ALWAYS HAD A DOUBT ABOUT THAT.. THEN ONE DAY HE CAME CLEAN AND TOLD ME THAT HE HAD SOME KIND OF SEX WITH SOME FRIEND OF HIS.. TURNS OUT SHE GAVE ORAL TO HIM BUT THAT WAS ABOUT IT.. I QUITE FRANKLY DON'T BELIEVE HIM I BELIEVE THAT IT WENT ALL THE WAY.. I CONSULTED SOME GUY FRIENDS ABOUT THAT TURNS OUT THAT ACCORDING TO THEM CHANCES ARE SLIM .. IF THEY GOT TO ORAL THEY MOST LIKELY WENT ALL THE WAY !! TO THIS DAY IT STILL MAKES ME FEEL AKWARD.. MAYBE HE IS NOT LYING MAYBE HE IS. WHO KNOWS I MIGHT NEVER KNOW!! BUT YEAH EVERY NOW AND THEN THAT DOUBT HITS ME GOOD LUCK HONEY !!
bluestar bluestar 8 years
Don't wait around for him, he's not worth it!
vmruby vmruby 8 years
He's already written you off, so move on .It's so obvious he has. Good Luck!!!! :)
cubadog cubadog 8 years
Let him go he clearly does not ready to be with you.
skigurl skigurl 8 years
obviously i agree with all others when i say leave him immediately. walk away! but some advice: while you feel like absolute crap right now, it will get better. while you're being led along and in limbo, wondering what is going to happen, you're feeling much worse about the situation. as soon as you cut ties, you will feel a LOT better and you will be able to move on. do fun single things, go out with the girls, go dancing, and meet new men! it will feel great. but don't let him string you along because then you're never fully cut off from him and you will never get over the pain. good luck...know it WILL get better! you deserve WAY better than him - honestly, in a couple months you'll be 100 times happier than you were when you were constantly in worry!
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 8 years
Im not sure what my original reply was, though i probably condenmed him for lying to you. Let him go, you deserve a real man.
ehadams ehadams 8 years
He seems really immature. Learn from this experience, and move on to someone better.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
I think that it's time to move on. If he's interested in reconnecting, he will. But I wouldn't count on it. Sucks to go through this sort of thing but there is a better relationship out there for you.
lickety-split lickety-split 8 years
yeah, sadly he's not in a position to handle anything else right now. he's too involved in his own problems to be able to add anything to the equation. i had a situation like this too, it was a BAD, BAD end. seriously, it's over whether you wait or not. he's in a place where there is no more emotional room. it's hard but that's how it is.
TidalWave TidalWave 8 years
Not only did he lie about not being a virgin, but he had been with SIX other girls! so clearly he just wanted to sleep with you. he got that, and it wasn't all that for him, so now he wants out. Since he is not making any initiative at all in the relationship, just move on and find someone who is worthy of your love and who you can trust completely.
princess_eab princess_eab 8 years
What?! Oh my god, girl, let him go already. He is not ready to be in a relationship with you. YOU forgave him for lying to you for a year and a half and HE is treating you like crap?? No. He should be begging to be with you. Stop talking to him.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 8 years
I agree -- let him go. Also, I think he wants out of the relationship. First, he admitted he lied to you about his virginity, and you forgave him. Next, he tells you he wants a break due to family problems, and you agree to that. Now, you're trying to re-connect, and he's resistant. Girl, the writing is on the wall. He doesn't want a relationship with you. He wants out. Let him go.
ladychaos ladychaos 8 years
Let him go. I had a boyfriend (now ex) make up excuses for not being open with his feelings to me. Communication is a major factor in relationships. If you don't have Communication, or trust (which he broke by lying to you), you don't have much else, other than potentially wonderful sex.
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