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You Asked: Is Something Wrong With Me?

Dear Sugar,

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for nine months. I have known him basically all my life and one day we just kissed! He is a great guy that loves me and cares for me like no other guy has. Now the only problem is that he loves sex (just like every other guy on this planet!) but I feel like I can't keep up with him. This is causing a rift between us because sometimes I'm just not in the mood and I feel like he feels let down. I have been wondering if there could be something wrong me or if there is some kind of woman Viagra I can take to help this situation. I'm too embarrassed to bring it up to my girlfriends because from the stories they share, they don't seem to be having the same problem I am. Please help! — Low Sex Drive Darcy

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Low Sex Drive Darcy,

You should not feel embarrassed that you don't have a sex drive that matches your boyfriend's. Just like you stated, every guy on the planet loves sex, and if they had it their way, they'd have it all the time, but most women are just wired differently, that's all. Are you on any hormonal birth control? If so, that could be what's to blame. Many women feel the side effects from their BC wreaks havoc on their sex drive so perhaps you can experiment with other methods. Also keep lube handy — even if you aren't totally in the mood, it can make all the difference in the world. It's also not uncommon for couples to get stuck in a sexual rut so plan a date night, set the mood and wow the pants off your man — I'm sure he'll forget right then and there that there's a rift at all!

Unfortunately there are no Viagra like drugs on the market, however researchers are working on it. In the meantime, I suggest talking to your boyfriend about the way you feel. It sounds like your relationship has a great foundation so don't keep your insecurity a secret from him. If he hasn't told you that he feels let down, be sure you're not beating yourself up about nothing. Have a heart to heart and make sure you're on the same page about your expectations and needs. I hope this helps.

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sunshowers83 sunshowers83 8 years
karlotta, you described me and my boyfriend PERFECTLY. I mostly feel bad when I turn him down because I used to wake him up at all hours of the night for sex, pounce on him in the hallway, in the kitchen, anywhere and everywhere. But now, it's just not like that anymore and I worry that he thinks my feelings towards him have changed, or that I don't find him attractive anymore, or something like that when it has absolutely nothing to do with him. I hate feeling so helpless about it, because I really want to but sometimes it feels like my body just won't respond. It's not like we never have sex now, it's just not as frequent as before, but when we do, it's still amazing. I check on him all the time, and he assures me that he's okay and I haven't hurt his feelings or anything like that. Ditto on the pill - I noticed that my sex drive petered off when I started taking it and it never really came back. :( That pisses me off, I wish I'd never started taking it.
sunshowers83 sunshowers83 8 years
karlotta, you described me and my boyfriend PERFECTLY. I mostly feel bad when I turn him down because I used to wake him up at all hours of the night for sex, pounce on him in the hallway, in the kitchen, anywhere and everywhere. But now, it's just not like that anymore and I worry that he thinks my feelings towards him have changed, or that I don't find him attractive anymore, or something like that when it has absolutely nothing to do with him. I hate feeling so helpless about it, because I really want to but sometimes it feels like my body just won't respond. It's not like we never have sex now, it's just not as frequent as before, but when we do, it's still amazing. I check on him all the time, and he assures me that he's okay and I haven't hurt his feelings or anything like that. Ditto on the pill - I noticed that my sex drive petered off when I started taking it and it never really came back. :( That pisses me off, I wish I'd never started taking it.
thelorax thelorax 8 years
Oh just do it. No, really. I'm a newlywed, a part time student, I work full time, and we just bought a "fixer" house - do you think I have any energy ever??? No, I don't...but I make it a priority to be intimate with my man. Even if I'm so exhausted I can't wiggle my toes, once we get started I promise you, I end up really enjoying it. Of course, him being good at and understanding the importance of foreplay is paramount... ;)
girlfriday girlfriday 8 years
It's definitely ok, and definitely normal that you have a lower sex drive. And I'm betting that some of your friends are just pretending they have a great sex drive because they think everyone else does. That said, do you think this has any thing to his, um, skills?Sometimes men, especially young men, have no clue how to please a woman and you need to be really frank with them. And there are some good books out there... not porn! But actual, like, instruction manuals. (Check out your local feminist bookstore...)
girlfriday girlfriday 8 years
It's definitely ok, and definitely normal that you have a lower sex drive. And I'm betting that some of your friends are just pretending they have a great sex drive because they think everyone else does. That said, do you think this has any thing to his, um, skills?Sometimes men, especially young men, have no clue how to please a woman and you need to be really frank with them. And there are some good books out there... not porn! But actual, like, instruction manuals. (Check out your local feminist bookstore...)
diazy diazy 8 years
read erotic stories, i promise you it works! woman get turned on emotionally and mentally were men get turned on visually ;) so i always had this problem for 13 years i never initiated sex, don't feel bad i once went without sex for 6 months (while married) husband was really annoyed i couldn't be bothered :) now my sex drive is more than his . It might not work for you but try it go on the net and look for erotic literature and try it.
ninjastarlett ninjastarlett 8 years
I've heard that even though he wants it more than you do (both frequency and intensity), that you should go along with it and it will generate feelings of intimacy and induce endorphins later. Basically, even if you're not feeling it at first, you'll be glad later that you did it. That's just what I hear though, never tried it.
hmcmcd hmcmcd 8 years
yeah, I think it always goes in cycles. usually even if I am not in the mood half way into foreplay I am ready to go and am always glad I didn't say no right off the bat. Sometimes I feel like I am making a lot of effort to get into it, but honestly in the end it is Always worth it.
Berlin Berlin 8 years
It does help out a lot if you find out what turns you on...whether it be the way he touches you, a certain time of day, watching porn, playing with some vibrators...whatever it may be, use it to your advantage. If he is in the mood and you aren't, then he can use one of your fail-safe turnon methods and it can lead you guys to the bedroom. Also think of reasons why you aren't in the mood..is it because the bedroom is getting boring? (then try to spice it up by taking it to different rooms) Or is it because you just don't think about it very often? (this is MY problem! it isn't that I don't want sex, or want it all the time, it's just that the way my mind thinks, sex doesn't pop into it, so when my man is feeling up to it, then he just brings out one of my turn-ons, and when i'm in the mood all on my own, then I run straight to him and get him super excited). You just have to find out what works for you. And yeah, there's no Viagara, and pretty much never will be because of what it actually involves...we need to have the libido mentally, whereas men have that, they just need the help getting the physical aspect to catch up, which women can't really have a part in:)But if you are feeling bad about yourself for not keeping up or not fulfilling him, then that will end up showing and effect other aspects of your relationship! So just be open and find what works, and good luck!
Berlin Berlin 8 years
It does help out a lot if you find out what turns you on...whether it be the way he touches you, a certain time of day, watching porn, playing with some vibrators...whatever it may be, use it to your advantage. If he is in the mood and you aren't, then he can use one of your fail-safe turnon methods and it can lead you guys to the bedroom. Also think of reasons why you aren't in the mood..is it because the bedroom is getting boring? (then try to spice it up by taking it to different rooms) Or is it because you just don't think about it very often? (this is MY problem! it isn't that I don't want sex, or want it all the time, it's just that the way my mind thinks, sex doesn't pop into it, so when my man is feeling up to it, then he just brings out one of my turn-ons, and when i'm in the mood all on my own, then I run straight to him and get him super excited). You just have to find out what works for you. And yeah, there's no Viagara, and pretty much never will be because of what it actually involves...we need to have the libido mentally, whereas men have that, they just need the help getting the physical aspect to catch up, which women can't really have a part in:) But if you are feeling bad about yourself for not keeping up or not fulfilling him, then that will end up showing and effect other aspects of your relationship! So just be open and find what works, and good luck!
glitterandgold glitterandgold 8 years
I get like this sometimes too. My bf and I have been together for 3 years and we live together. I've noticed also, during certain times of the month I have no sex drive at all. It's usually a week before my period comes. Try to get excited for it! It really is a mind game for us women. Good lucK!
glitterandgold glitterandgold 8 years
I get like this sometimes too. My bf and I have been together for 3 years and we live together. I've noticed also, during certain times of the month I have no sex drive at all. It's usually a week before my period comes. Try to get excited for it! It really is a mind game for us women. Good lucK!
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 8 years
I have been married almost 8 years now and we go through cycles where we dont have sex for weeks, sometimes its me sometimes its him, you cant always be "on" all the time.
cvandoorn cvandoorn 8 years
There is nothing wrong with you...maybe you're just tired after a busy day, or you're stressed out. Plus nothing feels worse when you don't feel like it, yet your bf is practically begging for it.
TidalWave TidalWave 8 years
wow, this is the first question i've seen like this. i swear, all the other ones are "i want sex more than my boyfriend!"
TidalWave TidalWave 8 years
wow, this is the first question i've seen like this. i swear, all the other ones are "i want sex more than my boyfriend!"
LadyP LadyP 8 years
Don't feel bad! I've been married for 4 years and I get this way sometimes. I have found though, that since I have been off of birth control that my sex drive is higher.
karlotta karlotta 8 years
You are totally allowed to have a different sex drive than he does. It's normal - we're not all made the same! Please don't feel guilty, or like you owe him anything! You need to do what feels natural to you and never force yourself. I suppose that if your drive is REALLY low, like you are never really in the mood, or too rarely to count, it may be a hormonal problem; but if you guys are still doing it a few times a week and it's just that he's a horny dog who wants it 8 times a day, you don't have a problem (and neither does he... you're just different!) When my BF and I first started dating, I was the one trying to get in his pants a million times a day, and often times getting rejected. He just didn't have as huuuuuge a sex drive as I did - but now that we've been together 2 + years, I can't keep him off me and believe it or not, I FEEL GUILTY when I say no. But 2 things: 1. when we say no every so often, it keeps them wanting more (it really does. My boyfriend is constantly coming over to me looking like a total pervert now. I love it.) and 2. It shouldn't be all about the sex! Again, if you do it at least a few times a week, he can whine a little but should have no reason to complain. It should never make you feel bad. So if he's too insistant or makes you feel guilty, tell him that you're sorry, you're just different from him, and he shouldn't take it personally. One thing I do when BF won't stop annoying me and I'm not in the mood to get any, is give him a little personal treat... but you should never feel obligated to do that. You are who you are; do what feels natural to you, and NEVER FORCE YOURSELF. It's just an awful feeling. Good luck!
karlotta karlotta 8 years
You are totally allowed to have a different sex drive than he does. It's normal - we're not all made the same! Please don't feel guilty, or like you owe him anything! You need to do what feels natural to you and never force yourself. I suppose that if your drive is REALLY low, like you are never really in the mood, or too rarely to count, it may be a hormonal problem; but if you guys are still doing it a few times a week and it's just that he's a horny dog who wants it 8 times a day, you don't have a problem (and neither does he... you're just different!)When my BF and I first started dating, I was the one trying to get in his pants a million times a day, and often times getting rejected. He just didn't have as huuuuuge a sex drive as I did - but now that we've been together 2 + years, I can't keep him off me and believe it or not, I FEEL GUILTY when I say no. But 2 things: 1. when we say no every so often, it keeps them wanting more (it really does. My boyfriend is constantly coming over to me looking like a total pervert now. I love it.) and 2. It shouldn't be all about the sex! Again, if you do it at least a few times a week, he can whine a little but should have no reason to complain. It should never make you feel bad. So if he's too insistant or makes you feel guilty, tell him that you're sorry, you're just different from him, and he shouldn't take it personally.One thing I do when BF won't stop annoying me and I'm not in the mood to get any, is give him a little personal treat... but you should never feel obligated to do that. You are who you are; do what feels natural to you, and NEVER FORCE YOURSELF. It's just an awful feeling. Good luck!
linb linb 8 years
My boyfriend and I just had this conversation yesterday. We have been together for 4.5 years, and are in the same rut. I take BC, and I know that has a lot to do with it. For women, sex is more mental, especially when trying to get in the mood, and I told my boyfriend that if he wants it often, he needs to put a little more effort into seducing me, and in return I'll put more effort into "giving in". It's only been one day, but so far he has taken what I said to heart. He was very sweet and romantic last night, and he was rewarded for his efforts :)
linb linb 8 years
My boyfriend and I just had this conversation yesterday. We have been together for 4.5 years, and are in the same rut. I take BC, and I know that has a lot to do with it. For women, sex is more mental, especially when trying to get in the mood, and I told my boyfriend that if he wants it often, he needs to put a little more effort into seducing me, and in return I'll put more effort into "giving in". It's only been one day, but so far he has taken what I said to heart. He was very sweet and romantic last night, and he was rewarded for his efforts :)
petite42 petite42 8 years
Stop comparing yourself to other people. Not everyone has a high sex drive. You may just have a naturally low libido, so beating yourself up over this and thinking something is wrong with you isn't going to do you any favors! Especially if you were the same in past relationships. Were you? Or is it something about this relationship? Be honest. If you've always been like this, then it's just who you are, and what is natural for you. With that said, part of being in a loving relationship is meeting each others' needs. If you are a low-desire partner matched with a high-desire partner (and truthfully every single relationship has one who is higher and one who is lower desire!), you need to meet him halfway. However, most guys don't like their women to just lie there and let them do their thing - they like to think the woman is enjoying it and into it. So dont just lie there and think of England. That may be more of a turn-off to him and over time you may start to resent it. But then again, sometimes we're not in the mood until we're in the middle of the act. So it is worth seeing if you might not warm up halfway through. If that's not the case, there are lots of things you can do for him that don't involve penetrative sex. BJ's & handjobs come to mind. But the key is to do these things from a loving and giving heart - not out of a sense of obligation or fear he will leave you if you don't. And when you ARE in the mood, make the most of it and don't let the opportunity slip away. ;-) My best advice however is to simply accept this is who you are. If you worry too much that there's something abnormal about you and you need to be "fixed," then you will probably drive yourself crazy and retreat even further from sexual connection.
petite42 petite42 8 years
Stop comparing yourself to other people. Not everyone has a high sex drive. You may just have a naturally low libido, so beating yourself up over this and thinking something is wrong with you isn't going to do you any favors! Especially if you were the same in past relationships. Were you? Or is it something about this relationship? Be honest. If you've always been like this, then it's just who you are, and what is natural for you. With that said, part of being in a loving relationship is meeting each others' needs. If you are a low-desire partner matched with a high-desire partner (and truthfully every single relationship has one who is higher and one who is lower desire!), you need to meet him halfway. However, most guys don't like their women to just lie there and let them do their thing - they like to think the woman is enjoying it and into it. So dont just lie there and think of England. That may be more of a turn-off to him and over time you may start to resent it. But then again, sometimes we're not in the mood until we're in the middle of the act. So it is worth seeing if you might not warm up halfway through. If that's not the case, there are lots of things you can do for him that don't involve penetrative sex. BJ's & handjobs come to mind. But the key is to do these things from a loving and giving heart - not out of a sense of obligation or fear he will leave you if you don't. And when you ARE in the mood, make the most of it and don't let the opportunity slip away. ;-)My best advice however is to simply accept this is who you are. If you worry too much that there's something abnormal about you and you need to be "fixed," then you will probably drive yourself crazy and retreat even further from sexual connection.
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