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You Asked: Is It Too Late to Be Friends?

Dear Sugar,

I could really use some advice. I met this cute guy in one of my classes first semester of law school. We hung out for the first time a couple of weeks ago and had sex. We weren't drinking or anything; one thing just lead to the other. When he drove me home the next day, we casually talked about hanging out again, but he's avoided me ever since. I'm not looking for a relationship, but I figured we could talk, be friends, or at least act civil to each other. He's only the second person I've had sex with, so I'm not really sure how to go about something like this. Do you have any advice? — Neglected Nancy

To see DearSugar's answer,

.

Dear Neglected Nancy,

Having sex with someone who you're not in a committed relationship with can often complicate things, and it's pretty clear that that's exactly what's happened here. Since you're not looking for anything to come from this, be the bigger person and cut the tension. Try to pick up where you left off before sleeping together without making it awkward or uncomfortable. Once he sees that you're able to be an adult about the situation, hopefully he'll follow suit.

If he decides to take the immature route and continue with the silent treatment, you have two choices. You can call him out on it — ask him why he's being so sheepish around you and ask him to explain himself — or you can simply wait it out. Once his nerves settle down, hopefully he'll be able to realize that you are both adults who made a consensual decision to have sex. If nothing is meant to be out of your one-night stand, everything will work itself out in the wash in due time. Good luck.

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dikke-kus dikke-kus 6 years
You know, it sucks. It just sucks when men act this way. Immature brats. Not even giving you a chance to talk? Or be friends, huh? I guess he's not missing the friendship is he? If he was, then he would say lets talk or give you a call, huh? Too bad he won't let anything get aired out huh? I suppose that he thinks a relationship is a lost cause now. But you can only guess since he avoids you huh? Look at the story with muffinmaggie and the advice of Berlin. Seems like your friendship has become a casualty of war in law school now.
Melo-D Melo-D 7 years
Um, wow to some comments. Yes, you could have thought about what was happening but I've been there. You just don't. You're in law school so I'm certain you're stressed. Things just happened. I say just be the bigger person and tell him you don't expect a relationship. It was just casual. If he still can't handle that, move on. You learn the lesson and move on. I say focus on law school. That's the priority in your life right now.
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 7 years
I'd call or text him and just tell him that you wanted him to know that you had fun but aren't look for a relationship. Don't make it seem too heavy or you'll scare him and he'll think you're using reverse psychology on him. If he doesn't respond or act like he understands than you can just pretend nothing happened and eventually he'll get over it and be normal with you again.
Frank-y-Ava Frank-y-Ava 7 years
He probably doesn't want a relationship either. Just go up to him and ask to talk and tell him how you feel. Communication is the Key!!
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 7 years
You shouldve thought about this before you easily spread your legs.
geebers geebers 7 years
Fallen -she laughed at him??? Damn that is harsh and makes me side with the guy.If not- since you are stuck with this guy - act like nothing happened. Treat him nicely and just like any other student. Don't try to be his friend and don't be rude. That is the best way to let this slide because it shows you are civil and HE is the one making a big deal.
geebers geebers 7 years
Fallen -she laughed at him??? Damn that is harsh and makes me side with the guy. If not- since you are stuck with this guy - act like nothing happened. Treat him nicely and just like any other student. Don't try to be his friend and don't be rude. That is the best way to let this slide because it shows you are civil and HE is the one making a big deal.
Fallen85 Fallen85 7 years
Isnt this the thing that was posted on Group Therapy except its missing the part where she laughed at him when he came after 2 minutes?I dont understand why sugar changed the question so much?
Fallen85 Fallen85 7 years
Isnt this the thing that was posted on Group Therapy except its missing the part where she laughed at him when he came after 2 minutes? I dont understand why sugar changed the question so much?
Berlin Berlin 7 years
Guys rarely want to be friends with a girl...unless they grow up with them, are forced friends through others, think of them as a sister, or think it will eventually lead to something more. So if you don't fall into one of those categories with him, then it's not likely to happen. It's just how guys are, whereas girls love having new friends and guys as friends, they are VERY different from us in that respect:)Like the above poster said, think of why you REALLY want to be friends with this guy, especially if he's showing no interest in liking you (friend or any other way!).
Berlin Berlin 7 years
Guys rarely want to be friends with a girl...unless they grow up with them, are forced friends through others, think of them as a sister, or think it will eventually lead to something more. So if you don't fall into one of those categories with him, then it's not likely to happen. It's just how guys are, whereas girls love having new friends and guys as friends, they are VERY different from us in that respect:) Like the above poster said, think of why you REALLY want to be friends with this guy, especially if he's showing no interest in liking you (friend or any other way!).
muffinmaggie muffinmaggie 7 years
ah... i have done this. in law school. and in my first year. i know exactly what you're going through and hopefully it's comforting to know that you're not alone. in my situation he was in my small section and hung out with my law school friends all the time. we avoided each other at first and in groups just wouldn't really talk to each other beyond laughing at the others jokes. well, fast forward, i'm going into 3L next year and me and this guy are still friends. not like we used to be, we'll talk at parties but not extensively and he'll do stuff like save me a seat in a crowded class for the seating chart and have friendly conversation before class starts. We're civil and friendly but for the most part we just leave the other to themselves.In my situation it just took time for the awkwardness to go away. Both of us eventually forgot about it and are now dating other people. Law school does weird things to people. There's so much stress that goes beyond grades... to just being prepared enough everyday in class that you feel not terrified when it's your turn to be grilled about a complex legal doctrine in a room of 180 other people. He may just feel like he has so much on his plate right now and is not sure how you're going to respond to him and so he's just avoiding the situation entirely. I'd just give it time and focus on doing well in school and at your summer job.
muffinmaggie muffinmaggie 7 years
ah... i have done this. in law school. and in my first year. i know exactly what you're going through and hopefully it's comforting to know that you're not alone. in my situation he was in my small section and hung out with my law school friends all the time. we avoided each other at first and in groups just wouldn't really talk to each other beyond laughing at the others jokes. well, fast forward, i'm going into 3L next year and me and this guy are still friends. not like we used to be, we'll talk at parties but not extensively and he'll do stuff like save me a seat in a crowded class for the seating chart and have friendly conversation before class starts. We're civil and friendly but for the most part we just leave the other to themselves. In my situation it just took time for the awkwardness to go away. Both of us eventually forgot about it and are now dating other people. Law school does weird things to people. There's so much stress that goes beyond grades... to just being prepared enough everyday in class that you feel not terrified when it's your turn to be grilled about a complex legal doctrine in a room of 180 other people. He may just feel like he has so much on his plate right now and is not sure how you're going to respond to him and so he's just avoiding the situation entirely. I'd just give it time and focus on doing well in school and at your summer job.
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 7 years
your sentenced to some semesters of uncomfortableness, its what happens when you commit the crime of sleeping with someone that quickly.
jillerin457 jillerin457 7 years
It's easy to tell her to move on, but in your first year of law school, you're with the same people all day, every day. Even 2nd and 3rd year can be pretty claustrophobic, depending on the size of your school. She's probably concerned because she has to see him regardless of whether or not it's awkward. I would just call him, or catch him while he's alone (walking to car/bus stop, etc.), and simply, calmly say something like, "Hey, I just want to make sure we're cool. I'm not expecting anything serious; I just want to keep being friends," and leave it at that. At least you've tried. Good luck!
jillerin457 jillerin457 7 years
It's easy to tell her to move on, but in your first year of law school, you're with the same people all day, every day. Even 2nd and 3rd year can be pretty claustrophobic, depending on the size of your school. She's probably concerned because she has to see him regardless of whether or not it's awkward. I would just call him, or catch him while he's alone (walking to car/bus stop, etc.), and simply, calmly say something like, "Hey, I just want to make sure we're cool. I'm not expecting anything serious; I just want to keep being friends," and leave it at that. At least you've tried. Good luck!
tomatoshirt tomatoshirt 7 years
I think you like him, that's why you still want to be his friend. If you disagree, then yes, please move on. There are other nice guys out there you can be friends with. If he wants to act like a child, he is not worth of your time.
brittanyk brittanyk 7 years
I've done this before. I had sex with a friend of mine and it complicated the whole relationship. I think we were both kind of confused by the situation, and just moved on. When we saw each other at parties and what not afterwards it was just awkward. I'd just move on, especially since you don't know him that well.
Greentea1203 Greentea1203 7 years
Oh, but the whole point of that was, I agree--just move on.
Greentea1203 Greentea1203 7 years
This sort of happened to me, but the roles were reversed. I was hanging out with this nice guy from my work for about a month. It was always just hanging at my house. We slept together a few times, and I figured it was just casual since we never went out on a "date" or anything. I turned his invitation to hang out 2x because I was busy, then he texted me saying "if you don't want to hang out anymore, that's fine, but you don't have to avoid me." But I wasn't, and now we don't really talk anymore since he makes a serious effort to avoid me. Confusing! But I have a boyfriend now so whatev.
aimeeb aimeeb 7 years
See if some guy did this to me I would have ZERO desire to be friends with him. I mean he's obviously a total jerk, why bother??!!AAnd no offense why would you want a friend or even an aquaintenance like that??? Just move on...
aimeeb aimeeb 7 years
See if some guy did this to me I would have ZERO desire to be friends with him. I mean he's obviously a total jerk, why bother??!!A And no offense why would you want a friend or even an aquaintenance like that??? Just move on...
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