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You Asked: Turning Things Up a Notch in the Bedroom

DearSugar --

I've been with my significant other for 5+ years, and well, we don't always get romantic as often as we'd like. We both work full time, have busy social lives, etc. How can we turn things up a notch?! ~ Randy Sandy


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Dear Randy Sandy --

Excellent question, and one we've all had to ask ourselves, rest assured. Let's jump right in, shall we?

First of all, you gotta schedule it. Believe it or not, making it a priority and putting in the calendar helps. It's awkward when you sit down to plan the dates and times, but you'll both get over that when the appointed hour arrives. Trust me on this. Try it.

A little exercise decreases the stress hormones and increases the excitement hormones. If you both exercise or enjoy walks, schedule a little rendezvous afterward. And sweat can be a very good thing for the pheromone department; think about skipping the shower beforehand.

Dopamine, a chemical that functions as a neurotransmitter, loves novelty, but novelty with a slight element of fear. Do something outside your comfort zone together and then head directly home. You know each other and will have to decide whether that new thing involves racing go-carts, trying a strange food you've never had, or making out in your car in the daylight in the Target parking lot. But you get the drift.

God, I love the UK. Go here for the best Kama Sutra website on the planet. There's a "love position locator" that let's you choose the effort level for each of you individually and the overall difficulty level. Up pop the positions that match your selections. Click on the positions for instructions, visual and written, and there you'll also find how many votes this particular position has received! Look through it together, pick a few, giggle a bit, and get busy. Again, it might feel awkward being so deliberate and formal, but that fades once the romance begins.

I like spontaneity myself, so here's one if that's your speed. This game helps build tension, which can be helpful when kickstarting things. Each of you write down 5 to 10 sexual or sensual things you'd like to do or have done to you. I'm guessing you guys can trust each other not to visit a scary left field for the other? Anyway, get a 'his' container and a 'her' container. You put your little 5 to 10 scraps of paper in his box, and he puts his little suggestions in your box. Come your scheduled play date, one of you draws a suggestion from your respective box -- take turns on separate dates -- and commence with the request. Ask questions if you need a little elaboration or clarification. And no peeking at the requests beforehand!

Hit your local bookstore and visit the sex section. No Amazon.com for this purchase. You need to see the books. There are about a gazillion titles published into this category, so look through them carefully until you find one that doesn't make you squirm or roll your eyes, because I guarantee both those things will happen repeatedly. That said, I guarantee you'll find at least one book that speaks to you and provides more suggestions for keeping your connection alive this way.

One last thing: you might spend some time online at Good Vibrations. I love this place, and I think it's a great reference point for sexual exploration that's respectful and woman-centered. Books, videos, toys: you can feel comfortable that their selection is carefully chosen and vetted. Besides, all the staff is extremely well-educated and trained. Call them, ask them anything, and they'll point you in the right direction.

Most of all, Randy Sandy, have fun together and continue to love each other well -- that's the secret to all of this, of course.

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