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You Asked: Is Watching Porn Everyday Excessive?

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I just recently moved in together and the adjustment has been, well, difficult for both of us. I have noticed his computer habits which to me seem excessive. He is on the computer all the time. He used to take it in the bathroom with him and I asked him to stop , which he did. I caught him having secret intimate conversations over e-mail with a girl he works with and demanded that he end the relationship. I think he has been on the straight and narrow ever since except for his porn habit. Now, I am far from a prude. I enjoy porn, I just don't understand why he looks at it everyday. The main thing that bothers me is that my sex drive is higher than his and he is happy with sex twice a week where I would like it more often than that (4 would be nice).

I am upset because he will watch web cams and search porn everyday when he gets home from work and then isn't interested in sex with me. Sometimes when I initiate it he just seems uninterested or as if it is his duty. I have done things to spice things up; lingerie, new positions, lots of oral, I even act slutty and he still feels the need to watch porn. I feel like it is disrespectful, and quite frankly I don't understand why he would need to search so often. I'm having a really hard time dealing with this. Please help.

—Horny and Not into Porn Paula

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Horny and Not into Porn Paula,

You think he's been on the straight and narrow? Honey, I'm sorry to be the one to point this out to you, but it sounds like you don't trust this guy one bit. I agree with you that porn is great every once in a while, but what does he need it for when he has a real live woman to make sweet love to everyday?

You have got to talk to him about this. Don't attack his porn habits (although we can all agree that it's totally excessive), just be open about how you feel and what you need. Tell him that it's upsetting to you that he'd rather scour the Internet looking for sexual arousal versus having sex with you. Ask him flat out what the porn is offering him that you're not. Maybe you can suggest incorporating it into your time together.

If he's not willing to talk about this or change his ways, then this just isn't going to work, and if I were you, I'd move out and end this one-way relationship. On the other hand, if he's sensitive to your concerns and cuts down on this habit of his, I think your relationship will grow from this experience. Good luck, Paula.

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OliveBlack OliveBlack 8 years
Sounds just like my ex- dump him! Porn is obviously important to him and that won't change. You'll just start to feel more and more inadequate...
lovelylei lovelylei 8 years
I can't believe you're still with him too! something is definitely wrong with him. I would not put up with this guy. leave. please! there is someone better out there for you.
Lovely_1 Lovely_1 8 years
Honestly, I would if I didn't have my boyfriend to satisfy me everyday!
dragonbaby dragonbaby 8 years
I'm in agreement with many here that he is incredibly disrespectful of you. That you caught him once e-cheating makes me wonder how many times he's done it that you haven't caught? As for getting him help. IMO, it isn't your responsibility to fix him. If he can't see that choosing porn over having sex with you is a bad choice then he isn't worth anymore of your time. Leave him an 800# for a sex addiction hotline and get out while you still have a shred of self esteem. There are so many guys out there that will appreciate you and treat you well. You don't have to put up with such bad behavior.
bealotus bealotus 8 years
He needs major help. And you need to dump him,sorry.
karlotta karlotta 8 years
I'm sorry, I know you are probably in love with the guy, otherwise you'd be gone already. And this is going to be really difficult, but it's rather obvious that you just need to get the fuck out. He's not trustworthy. A man who really loves his GF does not have sexual conversations with coworkers. And does not make her feel like an idiot for wanting sex. And does not spend his time watching porn rather than enjoying her company, physical or not. You need to clench your teeth really hard, and pack your stuff, and leave him. He will not change. people do not change! He's not going to become sweeter and more attentionate and more sexually interested in you with time. He's just not. However, I'm sure there are plenty of guys out there who will, and will never make you feel like a shit for desiring them, will not betray you, and will not engage in activities (watch porn excessively!) that make you uncomfortable and don't fit your value system. It is very obvious to outside parties that this guy and you are not meant to be. It's hard to hear, but it's the truth, and you have to stop wasting your time. Some nice sweet loving is just around the corner... Good luck to you and many cheers. Be brave!
karlotta karlotta 8 years
I'm sorry, I know you are probably in love with the guy, otherwise you'd be gone already. And this is going to be really difficult, but it's rather obvious that you just need to get the fuck out. He's not trustworthy. A man who really loves his GF does not have sexual conversations with coworkers. And does not make her feel like an idiot for wanting sex. And does not spend his time watching porn rather than enjoying her company, physical or not.You need to clench your teeth really hard, and pack your stuff, and leave him. He will not change. people do not change! He's not going to become sweeter and more attentionate and more sexually interested in you with time. He's just not. However, I'm sure there are plenty of guys out there who will, and will never make you feel like a shit for desiring them, will not betray you, and will not engage in activities (watch porn excessively!) that make you uncomfortable and don't fit your value system. It is very obvious to outside parties that this guy and you are not meant to be. It's hard to hear, but it's the truth, and you have to stop wasting your time. Some nice sweet loving is just around the corner...Good luck to you and many cheers. Be brave!
toxic_boi2004 toxic_boi2004 8 years
Now I know I am in a different boat than all of you but I know how you feel. The porn thing I wouldn't really trip but if I had a boyfriend who was having intimate convos with a co worker than I will pull the plug. Its all a trust issue. You need to talk this out.
nicachica nicachica 8 years
"You don't need our help you need a new boyfriend." I second that one!!!! dump this guy...
nicachica nicachica 8 years
"You don't need our help you need a new boyfriend."I second that one!!!! dump this guy...
looseseal looseseal 8 years
There are plenty of men who would kill for a woman with your sex drive. (If not <i>kill</i>, then at least be faithful).I don't find the porn to be as much a cause for concern as the e-cheating. Danger signal right there. Dump his ass before he's in a position to bring you more hurt.
looseseal looseseal 8 years
There are plenty of men who would kill for a woman with your sex drive. (If not kill, then at least be faithful). I don't find the porn to be as much a cause for concern as the e-cheating. Danger signal right there. Dump his ass before he's in a position to bring you more hurt.
gossipqueen gossipqueen 8 years
*YOU
gossipqueen gossipqueen 8 years
*YOU
gossipqueen gossipqueen 8 years
I think he's with your for the cheaper rent....THAT IS ALL....dump him.
demeter demeter 8 years
Yes
demeter demeter 8 years
Yes
ackoonce04 ackoonce04 8 years
Sorry to tell you sweetie, but he definitely has a problem. A little porn her or there can be interesting...but on the level he deals with it is a bit much. He needs help!
elizabethgracef elizabethgracef 8 years
KristinDaBomb, he may not know he has one.You need to tell him to get help or else. If he doesn't, then leave.
elizabethgracef elizabethgracef 8 years
KristinDaBomb, he may not know he has one. You need to tell him to get help or else. If he doesn't, then leave.
mrskrismendoza mrskrismendoza 8 years
Dump his ass. He has an addiction and doesn't seem to try and stop it. You deserve better.
jimmalou1978 jimmalou1978 8 years
I had this exact problem with my ex-husband. The problem is him. It's not you. Porn is a very addictive thing, and now matter how hard he tries, he probably won't be able to kick the habit. And if he's already e-cheated on you, there's not much of a leap to an actual affair.One more conversation, to get things made perfectly clear. Then tell him that if he slips up, you're gone. And mean it. Back it up. Obviously he's not aware of what a good thing he has in his life. And why would you want to spend time with someone who would rather masturbate to porn that have sex with YOU? There are quality guys out there. You just have to find them. And he's NOT it.
jimmalou1978 jimmalou1978 8 years
I had this exact problem with my ex-husband. The problem is him. It's not you. Porn is a very addictive thing, and now matter how hard he tries, he probably won't be able to kick the habit. And if he's already e-cheated on you, there's not much of a leap to an actual affair. One more conversation, to get things made perfectly clear. Then tell him that if he slips up, you're gone. And mean it. Back it up. Obviously he's not aware of what a good thing he has in his life. And why would you want to spend time with someone who would rather masturbate to porn that have sex with YOU? There are quality guys out there. You just have to find them. And he's NOT it.
Holly-J Holly-J 8 years
I wouldn't worry about the porn so much. A lot of people need that "private" time, whether they have a partner or not. Also, if there is anything in your partners pass, like abuse or whatever, he may be inclined to indulge in porn...only you know if this may pertain to him or not. But, assuming that he's just your average guy, I wouldn't worry about porn.WORRY ABOUT HIS INAPPROPRIATE CHIT CHAT VIA EMAIL! AND WITH A CO-WORKER NO LESS. THIS SOUNDS LIKE A VERY BAD RELATIONSHIP!!
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