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You Asked: Is There a Way Out?


Dear Sugar--
My husband recently moved me and my daughter away from my family that I have been close with my whole life. They live in New York and we are now in North Carolina. We have been here for about 5 months now. We had our issues in NY but since the move, they haven't changed; they have only gotten worse. We were supposed to be here for having less expenses and living more comfortably, but that is just not the case, and as far as I am concerned, this is no longer a marriage -- it's a death sentence.

I want to make a better life for my daughter and I but have no clue where to start and I want to be back in New York, closer to my family and my friends. Where do I start with no money, no car, ...nothing? This is very unhealthy for my daughter and I and I am completely miserable and can't take it anymore. I have no idea what to do or where to start. --Lonely Linda

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Lonely Linda--

Moving to a new city is never easy, especially when you aren't on board from the get go, but it sounds like there are many other issues factoring into your current unhappiness. Before you moved, were you and your husband working out your problems? Were you in therapy together? If not, you might want to look into seeking outside help. Your marriage shouldn't feel like a death sentence, so if you are willing to work things out, you're going to have to try to get back to the roots of why you married this man in the first place. Try talking to your husband and really opening up to him instead of shutting him out. Working together and having his support will make a huge difference in your life.

You're right, being unhappy is not healthy for you or your daughter -- kids pick up on their parents' emotions more than we think. Have you made any new friends in North Carolina? I would start with getting to know the moms of your daughter's friends. Become involved in your community, join a gym and take exercise classes. Not only will you feel better about yourself, but also the gym is a great place to meet people. Have you been staying in touch with your friends and family in New York? Take advantage of your support system and talk about your feelings, letting everything off your chest is bound to help.

If your attempts still don't change things for you, you ultimately need to do whatever is best for you so your daughter can be happy as well. Marriage is all about give and take, so if North Carolina is not the place for you, perhaps your husband can look to being transferred again. And if your marriage has simply run its coarse, there is a way out. Obviously divorce isn't ideal, but it is an option. Hang in there Linda and good luck.

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<3-Gossip <3-Gossip 9 years
You mentioned that your marriage is more of a death sentence...I must ask..Is your husband abusive? You shouldn't try to do this alone. Tell your family and friends..You are close with them..They love you and they will want to help you/make sure you and your daughter have a safe and happy life..Don't feel judged because the people who care about you wont judge you. Also, if you are being abused..You should log (in a journal/calendar) days you are being abused..Also you should file a report with the police. That is probably most important. If you can try to get a lawyer involved..Since you have a child together you can risk facing legal issues by taking her away from her father and out of the state.
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 9 years
for better or worse, is he abusive? an addict? is it just a money issue, or leaving your parents? if you are ready to bolt at the first sign of trouble than you need to reevaluate your commitment to this marriage. Moving is stressful, are you making it worse on your child by pouting about it? or are you trying to make life better regardless of the strain?
nessabum nessabum 9 years
get a job, be more active in your daughter's school, sign up for fitness classes/gym. and divorce should never be an option. that's why marriages are failing. because divorce is now an option. what happened to the wedding vows?
Vsugar Vsugar 9 years
I think the spelling errors matter too. I'm sorry you are feeling this way. You said you were very close to your family - have you turned to them for support? Do they know how you are feeling? Could any of them offer ANY kind of help? I come from a family with limited financial power, and I have faced crises before, and people have said "Ask your family for help" and I just sigh, and think "YOU DON'T GET IT!! THEY ARE AS POOR AS ME!!!" But if this is as bad as you say it is, and you are a close knit family, perhaps they can all come together and find some way to help you - at least they can give you a place to stay for a while? Or at the very least, they can offer emotional support, and maybe even some advice. I would turn to them, and tell them you need help.
ninjastarlett ninjastarlett 9 years
definitely need to talk to your husband about it.
angelbaby2 angelbaby2 9 years
get a job first that you can support yourself with before you make any decisions. good luck
tinyspark tinyspark 9 years
Unless she is very young and might not understand, talk it over with your daughter and be open about the situation. Talk to your husband. Talk to your family. You will need them for emotional and possibly financial support. Oh, and get a lawyer and file for divorce. You are obviously done. Good luck!
Masqueraded_Angel Masqueraded_Angel 9 years
P.S.: I too, have made drastic moves and practically bounced all over the US, so I DO know how hard it CAN be. But I also know that things can be done to improve the situation.
Masqueraded_Angel Masqueraded_Angel 9 years
I'm just gonna be straight up about this: quit whining. You say that these "issues" with your husband have gotten worse...perhaps the reason for that is because you're not giving this place a chance. And most likely, your daughter is miserable because she's tired of seeing Mommy all depressed and negative about this. Unless your husband is abusive, then you need to start seeing things from his point of view. I'm sure the move was a little hard on him too, but he's out there trying to make a living for you and your daughter. Stop sitting around moping about this when you can obviously do something to improve. Just look at all the comments above me...I'm sure you can find a suggestion or two.
t0xxic t0xxic 9 years
You agreed to go, yes the stress of that is going to intensify any little problem. But you cant just pack it up and go home. You do need to get out try to adjust get a part time job a baby sitter maybe spend some quality time with your husband conseling. You cant just give up, if hes being abusive thats one thing but bc your not happy where you live? no. its a marriage you have to work on it bc you choose to get married. We all have to learn to live with out our parents one day anyways.
vanyvrgs vanyvrgs 9 years
I agree with Lovaajn. Did your husband get a better job? You make it seem like he forced you which I am sure is not the case. Just cause you are lonely is no reason to cut out on a marriage and 5 months is not enough time to give to it. Look for ways to fulfill yourself and meet new people. Good luck.
Lovaajn Lovaajn 9 years
It's ok to be attached to your family, but it's not ok to be so needy and attached you break up the family you started because you can't be strong enough to start anew. Get out, do something, talk to your husband, take your daughter to play group. I moved from Oregon to Virginia - all the way across the country - and it was hard at first - but I didn't just give up because I missed my mom...I got out and met people. I realized how wonderful everyone was in the state I'd just adopted. And I have been to North Carolina many, many times...and if you just open up, grow up, and get out...you'll love it, and the people.
agrepina agrepina 9 years
cgmaetc just chill!
cgmaetc cgmaetc 9 years
I can't even think about an answer when Dear Sugar's response is littered with grammatical errors! Run it's COARSE? I should read, run it's COURSE! Oh, Sugar, you should know better. I know it's the internet, but for shame...
blingbling blingbling 9 years
I guess I'd need to know more about what your "issues" are in the marriage. If it's something really big like domestic violence or substance abuse, then I'd say call your family and ask them to help you get the hell out of there. But if it's not something like that, then therapy is definitely the next step, if you haven't done it already. But you have to be open, and try to put your homesickness aside. I also moved for my husband's job, and it took a while to meet people. (I did so at the gym.) It's a hard transition. But you did agree to the move, so I think you should suck it up and try to make it the best you can for your child.
bigestivediscuit bigestivediscuit 9 years
I think Dear brings up a good point about getting "outside" help such as therapy, counselling, etc. but what *isn't* often addressed is how to approach someone who would (or is) be quite defensive if the subject of "outside" help was raised or denies the need or openness to this sort of help ... this brings in a lot of tension and perhaps some of the discussion here could be directed towards that, because I think it's a common problem amongst couples.
backfat backfat 9 years
I'd allow yourself more time to get to know people definitely, you could be allowing your homesickness to sabotage your new life. If you have already convinced yourself you're going to be unhappy, then you'll only ever be miserable.
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