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You Asked: We're Not Very Good at Sex

You Asked: We're Not Very Good at Sex

Dear Sugar,

I have been married for a little over a year. Both my husband and I waited until we got married to have sex for the first time. As expected, we aren't very good at it. Additionally, since we dated for so long before marriage, the passion we initially had seems to have died down. My husband does not orgasm and takes a very long time in bed. I am not satisfied, and we end up just stopping because we are so tired. It leaves me feeling upset that neither of us are satisfied, which leaves us both feeling awkward and not interested in getting back on the saddle so to speak. I think my husband has something called "delayed ejaculation," and he has promised to eventually see a doctor if he can't resolve this issue on his own. I am disappointed that I have never been satisfied in bed and don't know how to get there. Any advice?

—Out of Lust Lenore

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Out of Lust Lenore,

So you said that your husband doesn't orgasm. Does that mean he can never orgasm, or that he just takes a really long time to orgasm while having sex? If you suspect that he has delayed ejaculation, which means that he can't orgasm or ejaculate, it could be caused by a medical condition, such as trauma to the pelvic area or a side effect from taking certain medications. You won't know for sure though unless he sees a doctor, so this should be first on your list.

Delayed ejaculation can also be a psychological condition. Since you both waited to have sex until after marriage, he may have some issues with thinking that sex is wrong or sinful. If he feels like he shouldn't be having sex, then he's not going to be able to perform. Talk to him about how he's feeling, in a non-confrontational or non-judgmental way. You don't want him to feel like it's his fault, because that will only make him more self-conscious.

If it's not a medical problem, and it turns out that he's just nervous, then seeing a sex therapist or going to couples therapy would be really beneficial. They'll help your hubby get to the root of his feelings and give you some ideas as to how to spice things up in the bedroom. Whatever you do, don't give up or let the fire fizzle out completely. The more you have sex, the more you'll feel comfortable experimenting with each other. It might take a while to work out the kinks, but with open communication, patience, and the eagerness to try, I have full faith that you two will end up having a very satisfying love life. Good luck, Lenore.

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jwjwjwjwjw jwjwjwjwjw 8 years
Porn. it might give you both some ideas for stuff to do in the bedroom, plus it can be a big turn on to watch porn together.
Beaner Beaner 8 years
VSugar - LOVE that taking turns idea!.
TFS TFS 8 years
it makes me feel angery that when it comes to sex it always seems to be all bout him, as in as long as HE cums then its all ok. ITS NOT. ive had around a good 30 sexual partners and not one of them has ever made me orgasm. it saddens me because there isnt a problem with me, i can masterbate and orgasm every time..multipule times. guys dont seem to care about pleasing the woman, so when he gets his problem sorted dont let him take over in the bedroom and call the shots! http://www.myspace.com/tfsdeth
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 8 years
This happens to everyone. Not just virgins with no experiance. Marital relations are not always on par with bunny rabbits or newlyweds. that isnt natural.
lintacious lintacious 8 years
more foreplay? this is also the best case against waiting-until-marriage i have ever heard. thank you.
lintacious lintacious 8 years
more foreplay?this is also the best case against waiting-until-marriage i have ever heard. thank you.
getstinko getstinko 8 years
this is a funny topic because I get frustrated so much when I hear women default to the "use your vibrator if he can't make you cum or settle for a clitoral orgasm if you can't have an internal orgasm" - but when it comes to men women are immediately willing to prescribe no masturbation and to communicate. the truth is you should be using the same prescription to get your internal orgasm.
mcreverie mcreverie 8 years
i agree with all the masturbating comments...please suggest him to stop masturbating on his own and get him used to YOU pleasing him only. it's both a mental hurdle and a physical hurdle.i dated a virgin and he also had the problem of never being able to orgasm w/o masturbating. it was very frustrating but honestly, i could tell he never really tried to open his mind to sex. he always resorted back to masturbating because it was comfortable and familiar. he never crossed that mental hurdle. i'm not saying its his fault but really, i'm stressing that in order for this to happen, he needs to really be able to completely relax with you, be open, and not expect to a big change to happen overnight.i've also dated another virgin/other inexperienced guys and because they were SO into getting better at sex, they really improved. it's really up to how much effort you two wanna put in this. don't get discouraged!!!!for you, get a vibrator!!! its so educational!!!
mcreverie mcreverie 8 years
i agree with all the masturbating comments...please suggest him to stop masturbating on his own and get him used to YOU pleasing him only. it's both a mental hurdle and a physical hurdle. i dated a virgin and he also had the problem of never being able to orgasm w/o masturbating. it was very frustrating but honestly, i could tell he never really tried to open his mind to sex. he always resorted back to masturbating because it was comfortable and familiar. he never crossed that mental hurdle. i'm not saying its his fault but really, i'm stressing that in order for this to happen, he needs to really be able to completely relax with you, be open, and not expect to a big change to happen overnight. i've also dated another virgin/other inexperienced guys and because they were SO into getting better at sex, they really improved. it's really up to how much effort you two wanna put in this. don't get discouraged!!!! for you, get a vibrator!!! its so educational!!!
getstinko getstinko 8 years
eesh - just tell him to stop masturbating, lube is a huge lifesaver and see if you can get him to ej through oral sex
Indigo4320 Indigo4320 8 years
I'm glad this issue was brought up. I've been feeling like I'm the only one to experience this.My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 months and have had trouble with sex right from the very start. Same thing with him, he had only been with one person before me and masturbated otherwise. So when we had trouble at first I chaulked it up to the firm grip thing. He tried using a lighter grip and that seemed to work better and finally one night we had the big O. But even now it's sometimes touch and go...sometimes he can get off and sometimes he can't. I'll admit, I haven't been very patient. I feel bad to be so impatient but it seems like after 8 months of this things should be fine now. Reality is they are not and I've been really unhappy with the sex for a while now. He doesn't even g-off when I go down on him, and honestly now I don't like doing it. I love him, everything else in the relationship is great. It's just this one little thing that isn't great. So I guess I need to take some of the advice above and be more patient. But just because it makes sense to be patient and keep at it doesn't make it any easier when he loses it right in the middle. It's a turn off and mood killer. How do you get past that? It's a pride thing I guess.
Indigo4320 Indigo4320 8 years
I'm glad this issue was brought up. I've been feeling like I'm the only one to experience this. My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 months and have had trouble with sex right from the very start. Same thing with him, he had only been with one person before me and masturbated otherwise. So when we had trouble at first I chaulked it up to the firm grip thing. He tried using a lighter grip and that seemed to work better and finally one night we had the big O. But even now it's sometimes touch and go...sometimes he can get off and sometimes he can't. I'll admit, I haven't been very patient. I feel bad to be so impatient but it seems like after 8 months of this things should be fine now. Reality is they are not and I've been really unhappy with the sex for a while now. He doesn't even g-off when I go down on him, and honestly now I don't like doing it. I love him, everything else in the relationship is great. It's just this one little thing that isn't great. So I guess I need to take some of the advice above and be more patient. But just because it makes sense to be patient and keep at it doesn't make it any easier when he loses it right in the middle. It's a turn off and mood killer. How do you get past that? It's a pride thing I guess.
sparklestar sparklestar 8 years
You need to sit down and have a good talk to him. Me and my boyfriend have gotten into the habit of discussing sexual preferences AWAY from the bedroom like over dinner or when we're doing the dishes. I'll be like "yeah I liked that.. but not that so much.." and he'll know for next time to take it on board. =DHaving the conversation in a neutral setting works because you're not about to have sex (though sometimes it can lead to it..) and nobody is going to get offended RIGHT IN THE MOMENT. There is nothing like a boner-killer in the middle of sex to kill the mood. ;)It may actually be worth you seeing a sex therapist. I'm serious. I've been with a few guys who just didn't understand sex because all they'd done is masturbate (yes, virgins) so it took them a bit of time to adjust to having another person taking part. Unfortunately none of them really came up to scratch at the end of the day despite my efforts but this guy has MARRIED you so he's definitely committed to you in every way.Failing that.. introduce a vibrator.. or anything that vibrates.. THEN try not to have an interesting sex life!
sparklestar sparklestar 8 years
You need to sit down and have a good talk to him. Me and my boyfriend have gotten into the habit of discussing sexual preferences AWAY from the bedroom like over dinner or when we're doing the dishes. I'll be like "yeah I liked that.. but not that so much.." and he'll know for next time to take it on board. =D Having the conversation in a neutral setting works because you're not about to have sex (though sometimes it can lead to it..) and nobody is going to get offended RIGHT IN THE MOMENT. There is nothing like a boner-killer in the middle of sex to kill the mood. ;) It may actually be worth you seeing a sex therapist. I'm serious. I've been with a few guys who just didn't understand sex because all they'd done is masturbate (yes, virgins) so it took them a bit of time to adjust to having another person taking part. Unfortunately none of them really came up to scratch at the end of the day despite my efforts but this guy has MARRIED you so he's definitely committed to you in every way. Failing that.. introduce a vibrator.. or anything that vibrates.. THEN try not to have an interesting sex life!
i-am-elle i-am-elle 8 years
I think both of you are just nervous & unsure of yourselves since this is your first sexual relationship. That's normal! You both might be too worried about doing things "right" instead of focusing on what makes you feel good. Don't worry about what you think sex should be like, worry more about what turns you on! Let loose & just have fun with it. Over time, you will see that you're both great in bed, just need practice. Nothing wrong with that! ;)
ThePerfectScore ThePerfectScore 8 years
Agreed with the advice above......
Beauty Beauty 8 years
I'd also suggest using a little lube. It makes a world of difference! Vsugar's advice is spot-on too!
Vsugar Vsugar 8 years
I'm so glad the first comment was about the same thing I am going to say.If you were both virgins, he only has experience ejaculating when he masturbates. And he probably can't figure out how to do it when he has actual intercourse - it DOES actually take practice!!I agree that you need to have a REALLY honest discussion about sex in order for you to work out this problem.The thing with sex is that you actually DO need to communicate with each other before, during, and after. YOU need to be able to tell him what feels good and what doesn't, and feel comfortable allowing yourself to descend into that pleasure when he hits the right spot!I think you should agree to have a "hers" night, and a "his" night. FIRST, hers. Begin intercourse, tell him what feels good, what feels bad, and what feels, just, boring. If he does something that feels good, TELL HIM SO!! Then tell him to keep going, to slow down, to speed up, to stop, to don't stop don't stop don't stop!!n Enjoy it. Allow him to worship you - you are his wife - he SHOULD worship you and be devoted to your pleasure.And then the next time you have sex, it can be his turn - same thing as above. And if he tells you (which he very well might) "Actually, what really got me going was getting YOU going!!" Then let him!! There doesn't have to be a goal in sight. The goal is for you two to share intimate time that you share with no one else. Imagine the bond that you can have when you realize that you may be a somewhat conservative couple, who waited until they were married to have sex, and that know how to BLOW EACH OTHER'S MINDS!!!! But you are only going to know how if you talk to each other about it, and that takes time.Forgive the crassness, but you can't just pound away until you both climax - that's not how it works. It's a mental turn on as well as a physiological one. Work on, be honest, don't take it personally when your partner tells you what you are doing doesn't feel good, and have FUN learning about each other's bodies.
Vsugar Vsugar 8 years
I'm so glad the first comment was about the same thing I am going to say. If you were both virgins, he only has experience ejaculating when he masturbates. And he probably can't figure out how to do it when he has actual intercourse - it DOES actually take practice!! I agree that you need to have a REALLY honest discussion about sex in order for you to work out this problem. The thing with sex is that you actually DO need to communicate with each other before, during, and after. YOU need to be able to tell him what feels good and what doesn't, and feel comfortable allowing yourself to descend into that pleasure when he hits the right spot! I think you should agree to have a "hers" night, and a "his" night. FIRST, hers. Begin intercourse, tell him what feels good, what feels bad, and what feels, just, boring. If he does something that feels good, TELL HIM SO!! Then tell him to keep going, to slow down, to speed up, to stop, to don't stop don't stop don't stop!!n Enjoy it. Allow him to worship you - you are his wife - he SHOULD worship you and be devoted to your pleasure. And then the next time you have sex, it can be his turn - same thing as above. And if he tells you (which he very well might) "Actually, what really got me going was getting YOU going!!" Then let him!! There doesn't have to be a goal in sight. The goal is for you two to share intimate time that you share with no one else. Imagine the bond that you can have when you realize that you may be a somewhat conservative couple, who waited until they were married to have sex, and that know how to BLOW EACH OTHER'S MINDS!!!! But you are only going to know how if you talk to each other about it, and that takes time. Forgive the crassness, but you can't just pound away until you both climax - that's not how it works. It's a mental turn on as well as a physiological one. Work on, be honest, don't take it personally when your partner tells you what you are doing doesn't feel good, and have FUN learning about each other's bodies.
StefaPie StefaPie 8 years
Oh, honey, my ex had the same problem. It's his masturbation tecnique. He's probably using a very firm grip to do it himself and that can't be replicated through vaginal sex. He needs to ease up on himself, and you need to manually finish the job when you're getting down until he's at a more reasonable friction level.If you're committed enough to be married, you're committed enough to have awkward sex conversations. Be honest about your needs and wants, with him and yourself. Encourage him to do the same.The best thing I can tell you is to talk about the positive things in the bedroom, and how to add more positive things.
StefaPie StefaPie 8 years
Oh, honey, my ex had the same problem. It's his masturbation tecnique. He's probably using a very firm grip to do it himself and that can't be replicated through vaginal sex. He needs to ease up on himself, and you need to manually finish the job when you're getting down until he's at a more reasonable friction level. If you're committed enough to be married, you're committed enough to have awkward sex conversations. Be honest about your needs and wants, with him and yourself. Encourage him to do the same. The best thing I can tell you is to talk about the positive things in the bedroom, and how to add more positive things.
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