I have been married for a little over a year. Both my husband and I waited until we got married to have sex for the first time. As expected, we aren't very good at it. Additionally, since we dated for so long before marriage, the passion we initially had seems to have died down. My husband does not orgasm and takes a very long time in bed. I am not satisfied, and we end up just stopping because we are so tired.
It leaves me feeling upset that neither of us are satisfied, which leaves us both feeling awkward and not interested in getting back on the saddle so to speak. I think my husband has something called "delayed ejaculation," and he has promised to eventually see a doctor if he can't resolve this issue on his own. I am disappointed that I have never been satisfied in bed and don't know how to get there. Any advice?
—Out of Lust Lenore
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Dear Out of Lust Lenore,
So you said that your husband doesn't orgasm. Does that mean he can never orgasm, or that he just takes a really long time to orgasm while having sex? If you suspect that he has delayed ejaculation, which means that he can't orgasm or ejaculate, it could be caused by a medical condition, such as trauma to the pelvic area or a side effect from taking certain medications. You won't know for sure though unless he sees a doctor, so this should be first on your list.
Delayed ejaculation can also be a psychological condition. Since you both waited to have sex until after marriage, he may have some issues with thinking that sex is wrong or sinful. If he feels like he shouldn't be having sex, then he's not going to be able to perform. Talk to him about how he's feeling, in a non-confrontational or non-judgmental way. You don't want him to feel like it's his fault, because that will only make him more self-conscious.
If it's not a medical problem, and it turns out that he's just nervous, then seeing a sex therapist or going to couples therapy would be really beneficial. They'll help your hubby get to the root of his feelings and give you some ideas as to how to spice things up in the bedroom. Whatever you do, don't give up or let the fire fizzle out completely. The more you have sex, the more you'll feel comfortable experimenting with each other. It might take a while to work out the kinks, but with open communication, patience, and the eagerness to try, I have full faith that you two will end up having a very satisfying love life. Good luck, Lenore.