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You Asked: What Can I Do About My Low Sex Drive?

Dear Sugar--

For the past year I have lost most all of my interest in sex. The strange thing is I am only 20 years old.

I have been with my boyfriend for the past four years and I love him deeply and everything is fine between us. We don't fight often and I still find him very attractive. The sex is great, when we have it. I guess I don't find sex necessary in my relationship any more or I don't consider it as important as I used to.

My question is, is this normal for a 20 year old woman not to have a strong sexual drive? Is there any way to fix it? What is going on? I hope you can help.

--Not-Into-It Natalie

To hear DEARSUGAR's Answer,

Dear Not-Into-It Natalie--

Having a low sex drive might not be ideal, but it is totally normal. The good new is that it sounds like things are going really well for you and your long-term boyfriend, and you are able to show each other love in different ways.

You said the sex is good, but since it only happens few and far between, something tells me your head is elsewhere. Are you stressed out about work, money, friends or family? Are you exercising and eating right?

Chances are this is affecting your boyfriend as well, so be honest with him. Work together and maybe he can help think of new ways to excite you or re-connect as a couple. Movies and magazines makes us think that we should be having sex 24-7, but for most couples who work hard and have passed the honeymoon phase, 1-3 times a week is usually a more realistic goal.

Try to not be so hard on yourself. Over thinking this situation could backfire and end up being even more of a turn-off for you. I have a feeling this is just a phase, so give yourself a break from all the worry and you'll probably get back on track in no time. Good luck Natalie!

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teekaytee teekaytee 9 years
I'm really glad I came across this. I'm 20 years old, and have the same exact problem. We actually had a fight about it this morning. I'm just desperate. He really is the most amazing person I know and it's so depressing that I can't satisfy him. This helps though. Thanks -
books-and-shoes books-and-shoes 9 years
Ahh, the low sex drive. I believe it is because your priorities have changed. You are in a comfortable relationship with someone you love very much so that you don't have to worry about anymore. You may have a demanding job, or school, or housework. Women tend to worry about things so those are probably somewhere high on your priority list. Either way, I know how you feel. Completely normal. I would suggest trying new things to stir your interest in sex back up. I particularly like to read erotica, but you could try other things you may not have tried yet with your BF like wearing different lingerie or hitting the strip club. Or you could get yourself a vibrator. The more you use it, the more you'll want to have sex with your man! Good luck!
books-and-shoes books-and-shoes 9 years
Ahh, the low sex drive. I believe it is because your priorities have changed. You are in a comfortable relationship with someone you love very much so that you don't have to worry about anymore. You may have a demanding job, or school, or housework. Women tend to worry about things so those are probably somewhere high on your priority list. Either way, I know how you feel. Completely normal.I would suggest trying new things to stir your interest in sex back up. I particularly like to read erotica, but you could try other things you may not have tried yet with your BF like wearing different lingerie or hitting the strip club. Or you could get yourself a vibrator. The more you use it, the more you'll want to have sex with your man! Good luck!
lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
"I love him deeply and everything is fine between us", that sort of says it all. there's nothing to "fix". obviously this arrangement works right now for the 2 of you. things ebb and flow in relationships. even if others are having more sex it doesn't mean anything to your relationship and if others are having less it doesn't mean anything either. relax.
Daisy6264 Daisy6264 9 years
Get off the birth control pills-and try something else.
N-e-e-c-a-l-l-e N-e-e-c-a-l-l-e 9 years
Im also 20 years old, and about a year ago I went through a couple of months where I just felt A-sexual I was not interested in sex what so ever...I would come up with excuses everytime my boyfriend would want to. I didn't know that it could be birth control, but things have gotten better sexually, it might take time but do what you can to improve, because while it seems like we could go months without any sex, most men are very sexual beings and if they anr't getting it from their girlfriend they might feel inadequate and seek the attention somewhere else. (not ALL men, but for some this may be the case) Whatever it is don't stress about it..it happens to most at some point and you will get through it..you just have to get to the bottom of it. Good Luck!
N-e-e-c-a-l-l-e N-e-e-c-a-l-l-e 9 years
Im also 20 years old, and about a year ago I went through a couple of months where I just felt A-sexual I was not interested in sex what so ever...I would come up with excuses everytime my boyfriend would want to. I didn't know that it could be birth control, but things have gotten better sexually, it might take time but do what you can to improve, because while it seems like we could go months without any sex, most men are very sexual beings and if they anr't getting it from their girlfriend they might feel inadequate and seek the attention somewhere else. (not ALL men, but for some this may be the case)Whatever it is don't stress about it..it happens to most at some point and you will get through it..you just have to get to the bottom of it. Good Luck!
Sunshineblue Sunshineblue 9 years
There is a herbal supplement called Dong Quai (I think that's how it is spelt!) It is safe to use (although if you are on birth Control you best check first) but it regulates your hormones and is basically called the female herb becuase it helps with everything to do with your cycle, it regulates them, helps if they are very heavy or painful, and also in a few articles i read it says that it can help boost your sex drive. I get really bad hot flushes (i'm only 25) and feel nauseous around my period. i don't want to go on the pill and I want to take something natural, so I have been researching dong quai and it looks really good. Just a suggestion I don't know if its any good for sex drive, it may just be stress like other people have said. The best thing to do is go to your DR and get your hormone levels checked out, or just have a chat. Good luck!
SeaAre86 SeaAre86 9 years
Wow... I am also SO happy to see this! I am also 20 and this is basically my story. I'm on the pill, but I can't afford not to be on it since I have very painful periods... I can't function during them unless I have the birth control. :( I wonder, is there anything the doctor can do if your hormone levels are messed up? I mean.. aside from taking the pill away?
SeaAre86 SeaAre86 9 years
Wow... I am also SO happy to see this! I am also 20 and this is basically my story. I'm on the pill, but I can't afford not to be on it since I have very painful periods... I can't function during them unless I have the birth control. :( I wonder, is there anything the doctor can do if your hormone levels are messed up? I mean.. aside from taking the pill away?
TatTat TatTat 9 years
Wow I am so happy to come upon this post. About half an hour ago my boyfriend and i had a talk about this and I happened to read this. Thank God! We were talking about whether we are sexually attracted to each other should we break up, but that's far from what we want! I am young 22 years old also and I think that being busy with school, work bills, etc can seriously put your mind elsewhere. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and live together and so we are very comfortable. I have been on the pill for years and it makes me wonder if this has been taking a toll on my body. Does the pill really decrease sexual drive that much? It makes me want to go to the doctor to test my hormone levels. You never think that at 22 you would have to do this but it makes sense. I am really happy I read the comments and the post.
designergirl designergirl 9 years
I think its normal. I also young, and I went through a 3 month period where I was just not interested in sex. Maybe I shoudl have gone to a doctor to check my hormones, but everything turned out ok. I'd advise you to wait and see. If your sex drive hasn't improved after a while, go check if everything's alright.
CocoBelle1 CocoBelle1 9 years
Get off the birth control pills!
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
First of all, this is totally normal! It could be anxiety, stress, the pill etc, but it could also be the fact that you have a naturally low sex drive. Four years is a long time to be with someone - you probably have just relaxed into a comfortable cycle with him. If he doesn't mind, I don't think it's a big deal if you just keep doing what you are doing (or not doing)! It sounds like the sex is good and you are still attracted to him, which are two very good signs.If your boyfriend does have a problem with it, here are some suggestions from an article I read on this a while ago:-- hand jobs-- lube jobs-- touching yourself while he watches and touches himselfI think a lube job is basically him lubing himself up and you guys having sex without a lot of fanfare. I realize that's weird but apparently it's better for the guy than not getting any...Also, maybe you guys have gotten comfy with each other, and you'll need to psych yourself up a little by dressing in a cute outfit, lighting candles, putting on music etc. It sucks that you might have to force yourself to be in the mood, but you'll enjoy the end result :)
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
First of all, this is totally normal! It could be anxiety, stress, the pill etc, but it could also be the fact that you have a naturally low sex drive. Four years is a long time to be with someone - you probably have just relaxed into a comfortable cycle with him. If he doesn't mind, I don't think it's a big deal if you just keep doing what you are doing (or not doing)! It sounds like the sex is good and you are still attracted to him, which are two very good signs. If your boyfriend does have a problem with it, here are some suggestions from an article I read on this a while ago: -- hand jobs -- lube jobs -- touching yourself while he watches and touches himself I think a lube job is basically him lubing himself up and you guys having sex without a lot of fanfare. I realize that's weird but apparently it's better for the guy than not getting any... Also, maybe you guys have gotten comfy with each other, and you'll need to psych yourself up a little by dressing in a cute outfit, lighting candles, putting on music etc. It sucks that you might have to force yourself to be in the mood, but you'll enjoy the end result :)
katie225 katie225 9 years
i have the same problem, and i think the cause is the pill. but i'm NOT willing to go off of that! no way, not just yet! i don't have as much of a problem with it as my bf does. he hates it. i don't really care about it until he brings it up and makes me feel guilty about it. he'll back off about it for awhile, and then it'll rear it's ugly head again. what gets me in the mood ASAP whenever i'm feeling like he might be ready to fight about the lack of sex again is a great porno. he'll stock up on them for me (so he says! lol), and i'll just put one on, along with some hot undies, and greet him when he comes out of the shower. always does the trick. i think the biggest problem that women have with it is the feeling that their bf/dh/significant other is going to be mad about it.
honeysugar28 honeysugar28 9 years
Maybe its just stress I'm sure you love your boyfriend and the issue is not him maybe you're just exhausted from things going on in your life outside your relationship.
mrsgrillo mrsgrillo 9 years
I had a similar situation and it really bothered me (along with some other health issues). I found out that i just reacted to BC pills that way and stopping it was my solution. BUT, that was a really personal decision that i felt was best for me. You may want to consult a doctor and see about options and advice they might have.
sbgirl sbgirl 9 years
Have you switched birth control in the past year? Especially if you are on birth control pills - the hormones can really impact your sex drive.
bluejeanie bluejeanie 9 years
it's possible that your testostrone levels are low. you can see a dr about that.
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