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You Asked: What Are We?

Dear Sugar,

I have been dating this guy for about a month and I really like him. He's smart, cute, funny, attentive — the whole package. The only problem is that I'm not exactly sure where we stand. I don't know if he's dating other people and I'm afraid to ask. I want to figure out our "status" but I know asking guys "where is this going?" or "what are we" usually sends them running in the opposite direction. Do you have any suggestions?
—Unsure Ursula

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Unsure Ursula,

Even though you've only been dating this guy for one month, it's important to know where you stand with someone you're developing strong feelings for. I happen to think that honesty is the best policy so I advise you to be upfront and ask him where you stand. You're right, sometimes putting a label on your relationship could send someone running for the hills, but let's be honest, is that someone you'd want to date anyway? If you don't feel comfortable being direct, try asking him in a more flirty, joking fashion — say something like "so, when are you going to ask me to go steady?." Hopefully he'll play along and you'll be able to get some of your questions answered.

I know it's scary to put yourself out there and really expose your feelings, but at the end of the day, you need to know where this relationship is going. If you're sexually active with this guy, you have every right to know if he's dating other people, not only for your peace of mind, but also for the sake of your sexual health. The longer you put this off Ursula, the harder it will be to discuss so I say be brave and take a chance on love. Good luck!

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jessicaeden jessicaeden 8 years
as long as he's not sleeping with other people as well as you, its probably better to wait until you've been dating longer to ask . . .
jessicaeden jessicaeden 8 years
as long as he's not sleeping with other people as well as you, its probably better to wait until you've been dating longer to ask . . .
jessicaeden jessicaeden 8 years
as long as he's not sleeping with other people as well as you, its probably better to wait until you've been dating longer to ask . . .
atablackbelt atablackbelt 8 years
It seems like dating a guy for a month is a little too soon to be asking what the status of the two of you is? I would just enjoy dating him, and whatever happens, happens...take it slow and really get to know the guy. I have dated guys for 3 or 4 months before we ever had that convo, and it is usually brought up by the guy. I have also dated multiple guys in that time period....just enjoy the moment and don't get so caught up in the labels....in short just enjoy being single.
smp7328 smp7328 8 years
DON'T RUSH THE TALK!!!!!! Give it time and have fun!
Berlin Berlin 8 years
a month? geez, just enjoy dating him and quit trying to put on a label...that label is usually something immature women try to strive for, clingy dependent women, ones who have been in a relationship for SEVERAL months, or ones that are looking for marriage. If you fall in any of these, then you either need to reassess the situation or look further within. Don't rush, just enjoy!
Berlin Berlin 8 years
a month? geez, just enjoy dating him and quit trying to put on a label...that label is usually something immature women try to strive for, clingy dependent women, ones who have been in a relationship for SEVERAL months, or ones that are looking for marriage. If you fall in any of these, then you either need to reassess the situation or look further within. Don't rush, just enjoy!
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
Well, I guess my take is that if you're sleeping with him you should know if he's sleeping with other people. To me, that is just a given in terms of protecting yourself.But otherwise, I don't love conversations like this. I feel like people think they're somehow "safe" when the girlfriend label rolls out. It doesn't change how he feels.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
Well, I guess my take is that if you're sleeping with him you should know if he's sleeping with other people. To me, that is just a given in terms of protecting yourself. But otherwise, I don't love conversations like this. I feel like people think they're somehow "safe" when the girlfriend label rolls out. It doesn't change how he feels.
erratic-assassin erratic-assassin 8 years
woah, typo...there was only 1 guy....and then my fiance :)
erratic-assassin erratic-assassin 8 years
I agree with it being too soon... lol, but you SHOULD ASK....doesn't matter how, just ask. HEY! if he scares easily, then good...let him go... I'm laughing because I was hangin out with this guy for a good 3 months...the 2nd month I met his parents at this gala and I never took it serious cuz I thought we were just foolin around. When my fiance and I met, I immediately ditched the 1st guys and of course, went with my fiance....but the other guy was LIVID!! my excuse was "well....you never asked me out! I thought we were just havin fun and all...." and he responded with "you MET my PARENTS! did u need me to spell it out for you??" and i said "yes" lol.... I'm an old fashioned gal when it comes to that....if he wants to ask you to be exclusive to each other, he would AND should. I was pretty care-free though, so I guess it's different...but just ask! dont be scurrred!
erratic-assassin erratic-assassin 8 years
I agree with it being too soon...lol, but you SHOULD ASK....doesn't matter how, just ask. HEY! if he scares easily, then good...let him go...I'm laughing because I was hangin out with this guy for a good 3 months...the 2nd month I met his parents at this gala and I never took it serious cuz I thought we were just foolin around. When my fiance and I met, I immediately ditched the 1st guys and of course, went with my fiance....but the other guy was LIVID!! my excuse was "well....you never asked me out! I thought we were just havin fun and all...." and he responded with "you MET my PARENTS! did u need me to spell it out for you??"and i said "yes" lol....I'm an old fashioned gal when it comes to that....if he wants to ask you to be exclusive to each other, he would AND should. I was pretty care-free though, so I guess it's different...but just ask! dont be scurrred!
ella1978 ella1978 8 years
Maybe it's just me, but a month doesn't seem that long.If you are seeing each other 3, 4, 5 times a week, and it's getting serious, then I can see you having an "exclusivity" conversation. But if dating for a month means you've been out 6, 7, 8 times... it's too early to ask, in my opinion.I say think about how serious it is for you, think about the responses he is giving you about how serious it is for him & judge from there. Without us knowing too much detail about the relationship, I think it's hard to judge how you should act.If you think it is getting serious, then talk to him. Talk about being exclusive. Tell him you don't want to see anyone else, and you'd like it if you two were an exclusive item.Now if it's too early, let it go another month, then re-evaluate.
ella1978 ella1978 8 years
Maybe it's just me, but a month doesn't seem that long. If you are seeing each other 3, 4, 5 times a week, and it's getting serious, then I can see you having an "exclusivity" conversation. But if dating for a month means you've been out 6, 7, 8 times... it's too early to ask, in my opinion. I say think about how serious it is for you, think about the responses he is giving you about how serious it is for him & judge from there. Without us knowing too much detail about the relationship, I think it's hard to judge how you should act. If you think it is getting serious, then talk to him. Talk about being exclusive. Tell him you don't want to see anyone else, and you'd like it if you two were an exclusive item. Now if it's too early, let it go another month, then re-evaluate.
iRose iRose 8 years
I think that you need to ask yourself what do you want before you starting dating anyone. Be clear from upfront if you want something casual or something serious. It seems you want something serious, so you just have to ask him point blank what he wants. If he wants something serious well good for you, if he doesn't don't arm twist him into feeling guilty about it, he would only later resent you. Plus if you continue to avoid the issue don't get upset if he assumes you were only looking for something casual and leaves you for someone else.
TidalWave TidalWave 8 years
I don't understand everyone's need to label. If you want to ask about exclusivity, go ahead, but labeling things just for the sake of labeling, is often unneccessary.
onesong onesong 8 years
lol, or you could do what i did, which is start crying and say "i don't want you kissing other girls!" haha. but then again, i waited until i couldn't take it anymore, i was totally in love with him and, well, i DIDN'T want him kissing other girls, and if that's what he wanted to be doing then i didn't want him around anymore. good luck!
onesong onesong 8 years
lol, or you could do what i did, which is start crying and say "i don't want you kissing other girls!" haha. but then again, i waited until i couldn't take it anymore, i was totally in love with him and, well, i DIDN'T want him kissing other girls, and if that's what he wanted to be doing then i didn't want him around anymore.good luck!
delia delia 8 years
I maybe disagree with the joking element. I think a lot of guys - if you're trying to "force" light-heartedness - get nervous that you're not being up front with them. I think you should just tell him upfront how you feel; that you enjoy spending time with him and that you'd like to continue doing so. It will give the relationship a nice foundation of honesty and trust, and eliminates the nervousness of "Does she like me?" which will give him the breathing room he needs to think about the relationship clearly.
CoMMember13630786602261 CoMMember13630786602261 8 years
Try making plans with him for something that is in the somewhat distant future. (like a month or so away) If he jumps on it and says "sure, lets do it" then he is probably thinking about this as a long term thing. I agree with pop too, you could always try asking him in a very nonchalant way. Dont just go up to him and be like "look, we need to talk. I need to know where this is going" I think its the desperateness that can come with the question that makes guys run for the hills, not really the question itself. So if you can do in a joking manner he will probably feel much more at ease with it.
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