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You Asked: What If We Have Sex Just Once?



Dear Sugar,

I am happily married with children — and have a huge crush on an old boyfriend. We would never date again. We would not even have an affair, but I have been toying with the idea of wanting to just have one sex session with him. What do you think?

— Thinking About it Abigail

To see DearSugar's answer

Dear Thinking About it Abigail —

What do I think??? Sister, I don't think this would be a ONE TIME "sex session," do you? I'm not sure what your definition of an affair is, but having sex with someone else IS an affair. Any way that you cheat on your husband and go against the vows you made on your wedding day constitutes an affair, or at least in my book.

Your feelings and desires for this old flame are by no means wrong, but because of your commitment to your present husband, you CANNOT follow through with them unless you are willing to give up your marriage. If your eyes are wandering towards other men, it sounds like something is lacking in your marriage. Talk to your husband and tell him how you feel. Maybe he can help give you what you need emotionally and/or sexually.

If you have this one time sex session, you might be risking breaking up your marriage. What if your husband finds out? How would you feel if he wanted a divorce? How will you explain that to your children? If you are unsatisfied or unhappy with your marriage in any way, then you need to address that issue first. Have you considered marriage counseling? I would advise you not to get involved with another man before you address your issues - it'll only make matters worse. Good luck Abigail.

Source

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Join The Conversation
1QTPIE 1QTPIE 8 years
Don't Cheat. It isn't worth it. If there is something wrong in your marrige fix it... You'll be much happier puting your ex way behind you where he belongs in your past....
onesong onesong 8 years
holy my lord god almighty. this cannot be for real. "is it okay if it's just once?" NO. Look, we've all been there. It's effing HARD to say no. But you do, and sometimes, you say no even while inside every single particle of your being is screaming "YES, YES, YES!" Why? Because that's what marriage/serious relationships are all about. That is why they say you must make sacrifices for love. Please just reread your letter and truly think about it. Is that the kind of person you want to be? Do you really want to have to work out, like jazzfanatic has, a way of thinking about it so you won't be guilt-ridden for the rest of your life? i agree with pop ENTIRELY, but i have a caveat...one bad act doesn't make you a bad person, but many bad acts DOES...and once you've committed that first bad act, the rest get easier and easier. Good luck to you. Saying no can be the hardest thing in the world, but you need to do it and you need to do it NOW. And then you need to go to your husband and figure out what on earth is missing that you could even conceive of not saying no.
Misalady Misalady 8 years
Have you asked your husband? (If you couldn't even think of asking him, it's probably not right right.)
ashprice34 ashprice34 8 years
how can you be happily married yet actually wanna go through with having sex with someone else? think about your kids if anything please! i've been through it twice with my parents and it will most likely cause your kids to have trust issues their whole lives. that was the hardest thing to get over... so think again please!!
Jennifer777 Jennifer777 8 years
Don't!!! Keep it a fantasy!!! You will ruin your mariage if you go through with this idea. It is as simple as that. I'm sorry...
brown_eyed_grrl brown_eyed_grrl 8 years
"I must say, though a lot of these posts are well-meaning, some are just downright mean." Cheating on your husband and your kids (YEAH, you are cheating on THEM, too) IS MEAN. Not getting a handle on your emotions is mean. All of those things are far more mean that people on a web site who are just stating the obvious. Maybe it needs to be stated bluntly, since this person couldn't come to this conclusion her own. I have been with my now-fiance for over three years. Yes, I've been attracted to other men. You can't help that. I'm sure he's been attracted to other women, too. But I didn't act on it, and when one "guy friend" started getting too close, I cut off contact then and there, even though I admit that I was attracted and flattered. There are no shades of gray when satisfying your selfish sexual urges becomes more important than your family.
brown_eyed_grrl brown_eyed_grrl 8 years
"I must say, though a lot of these posts are well-meaning, some are just downright mean." Cheating on your husband and your kids (YEAH, you are cheating on THEM, too) IS MEAN. Not getting a handle on your emotions is mean. All of those things are far more mean that people on a web site who are just stating the obvious. Maybe it needs to be stated bluntly, since this person couldn't come to this conclusion her own. I have been with my now-fiance for over three years. Yes, I've been attracted to other men. You can't help that. I'm sure he's been attracted to other women, too. But I didn't act on it, and when one "guy friend" started getting too close, I cut off contact then and there, even though I admit that I was attracted and flattered. There are no shades of gray when satisfying your selfish sexual urges becomes more important than your family.
Green Green 8 years
The sex cannot be worth your marriage. You chose marriage!
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
Wow, what a sad, selfish way to think about it. "Don't cheat on your husband because it will hurt YOU... screw what him and the rest of the family would go through. Who has time to worry about other people's feelings when you are in the throes of emotion?" Well I'm glad you were able to come to terms with/justify what you did, but that doesn't change the fact that it's a selfish, terrible thing to do to someone. Are you a horrible person? No. But is it a horrible thing to do? Yes. There is a distinction and I think we're all able to make it. And also, you can't always control whom you are attracted to. But you can absolutely control if you act on it. It's an absolute cop out to say that you can't.
jazzfanatic jazzfanatic 8 years
I must say, though a lot of these posts are well-meaning, some are just downright mean. Common sense often plays NO part in emotions, and honestly, I don't believe we can control who we are or are not attracted to. That said, it would likely cause a cascade of negative after-effects to pursue sex with an ex you're still crushing on. Remember too that sex for a woman usually involves a good deal of emotions; men seem to be much better at having sex for the sake of the physical act only. I too am married with children, and I did actually have a one-time "sex session" with a man I was hugely attracted to. It has remained a one-time thing only because he ended up moving to another state. I will tell you frankly that I was completely unprepared for the flood of emotions that followed after that one night. I had no desire to leave my husband--either before that night or after--but this other man was in my mind and in my heart constantly. It was almost completely unbearable. And going through all of that on my own, without the aid of my husband, my best friend, was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. So is it a good thing to pursue this? No. Are you a terrible, horrible person for having these feelings and desires? Of course not. But the main reason I would advise against this is not only because it *could* hurt your family (which honestly, people don't give that much thought when they are in the throes of strong emotions). I would advise against this in the interests of your own self-preservation. The potential emotional fallout simply isn't worth it.
amorris06 amorris06 8 years
Take it from a married woman who went down the same road. We've been together 10 years & married for little over a year now. My husband & I rarely had sex before or after marriage. All his time went to friends & video games. We didn't even have sex on our honeymoon. I freaked when we got married, I didn't want a sexless marriage. I thought things would get better after marriage. They didn't. So, 2 weeks after my honeymoon, I began an affair with a guy I had grown close to over the years. My husband found out about 3 months into the affair. I too, thought it could be a one time thing...it turned into a once a week thing. My husband was absolutely crushed & so were our families and friends. We almost divorced but decided on therapy. That was over a year ago & things are still shaky. Better but shaky. My advice get couples therapy & individual therapy or get a divorce.
kalaloughary kalaloughary 8 years
that is very very rude to your husband how would you feel really if he had one planned sex session with his old flame!!!
Starryeyeddreamer Starryeyeddreamer 8 years
One night of sex is not worth losing your family.
brown_eyed_grrl brown_eyed_grrl 8 years
This person can't be serious. What moron thinks you can label it "one sex session" to get around calling it what it is--an affair. Take a cold shower and get real.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 8 years
How about we switch around the scenario: ----------------------- My name is MR. Thinking about it Abigail. I think my ex-girlfriend is REALLY hot. I have a HUGE crush on her. But I'm happily married to my WIFE and I love our kids. Will one night of passion be fine--it's only 1 night! --I've been toying with the idea for awhile... ----------------------- Will you let your husband sleep JUST ONCE with his ex-girlfriend with whom he has a HUGE crush on? :) If you said, yes, then by all means...TELL him your plan on sleeping with your ex-bf because after all..Ohmygoodness...you are in an open marriage! Let's all be fair in love, mm'kay!
LittlePinkStar LittlePinkStar 8 years
you shouldnt act on your impulses...sure the grass looks greener on the other side...but is it worth ruining everything you have going great??
haribobear haribobear 8 years
Definitely no! You risk too many things to have that one time sex session....
gabbygirl-12 gabbygirl-12 8 years
you never know what a guy is thinking during sex... this could be a bad bad idea. you have no idea what his intentions are and how far it will go after the first incident. i read an article on this one site that explains what men think about during sex. after you read it, im sure u'll want to stay with your hubby and forget the old flame. http://www.savvymiss.com/love-advice/sex-advice/sex-sex-sex-archive/article/what-men-think-about-during-sex-1079.html
c0rkie c0rkie 8 years
COMMON SENSE?
Susanjean Susanjean 8 years
Look, I've never cheated on anyone, but I've been cheated on a few times and it seems to me that men and women don't live by the same rules. if you want to cheat and you're a woman it's the end of love, but if you're a man it's human. I disagree, but what I do agree with is this... real friendship requires honesty. You're thinking about doing something that could effect him. I think you should talk about it- not in a please forgive me for being impure way- let's be as realistic as men please, but like one friend to another. There are tons different kinds of relationships on this planet- good friendships require honesty, love and care. Everyone seems to think this is a no-brainer, but what if your relationship is changing? Don't cheat on your husband and don't throw down the idea of opening up your relationship so you can get on with a plan, but definitely start thinking about what you really want and don't want. I think a lot of people settle for rules they don't agree with, while I'd never rush away from vows- I would take some time to consider your life and where it's headed right about now.
grl-in-the-world grl-in-the-world 8 years
You're married, so having sex with someone else IS cheating even if it's just once (which I doubt would be the case). I agree with the other comments that having a crush or fantasizing is ok, but acting on those feelings is wrong if you want to continue to be married. Please consider how devastated you would feel if you learned your husband had sex with one of his ex girlfriends! Respect your relationship with your husband and PLEASE don't cheat with this guy!
Msmarissa006 Msmarissa006 8 years
cheating does change everything, don't do it!!
A_Kat A_Kat 8 years
Honey... you are obviously NOT "Happily Married" if you are thinking of having an affair. You and your husbond need to talk. I agree with sugar on this one. Good luck.
ninjastarlett ninjastarlett 8 years
I'm pretty sure you'd have a difficult time finding someone that would say "one sex session" does not count as an affair. cgmaetc is right; how would you feel if your husband asked you for something like that?
tinyspark tinyspark 8 years
Tell me you're joking. You chose marriage. Suck it up.
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