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You Asked: What's Wrong With Me?

You Asked: What's Wrong With Me?

Dear Sugar,

I've been dating this great man for six months, and fell in love almost overnight. We are both divorcees who have been through a lot in our past. I am not looking to get married again, at least not yet, and he says he never wants to marry again. Sure, sounds like we are on the same page right? Well we're not. I want him to WANT to marry me! What's wrong with me? I love having sex; he is happy with once a week! I want to be with him everyday; he's happy seeing me every other day! What's wrong with me? One minute I think it's time to call it quits, and then I can't imagine my life without him. I love him, and I know he loves me, but why am I always questioning this relationship? What's wrong with me? — Always Questioning Alyssa

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Always Questioning Alyssa,

I don't think there is anything wrong with you, but something tells me you had a power struggle in a previous relationship or in your marriage. The fact that you don't want to get married but you want him to want to marry you makes me think you aren't as secure in this relationship as you think you are.

It's pretty clear that you have different expectations about this relationship, so be sure to talk to him and let him know what you need in order to make you happy. If you need more time with him, tell him that. If you need more sex, tell him that too. The only way to have a healthy relationship where both parties are happy, is to be honest with your partner and most importantly, with yourself.

Only you can answer the question of why you are doubting this relationship but could it be that you're simply not ready to be committed to someone? Or perhaps deep down you know this man isn't the one for you? Six months is not that long to be with someone, so you very well might come to the realization that you are simply not a compatible match. I wish you luck, Alyssa.

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Join The Conversation
lily8206 lily8206 8 years
I think you need to take some control back from this guy. Stop caving in to his schedule!
lily8206 lily8206 8 years
I think you need to take some control back from this guy. Stop caving in to his schedule!
princess_eab princess_eab 8 years
Unlike a lot of people, I think it IS quite possible for a couple to want to marry each other before 6 months... I mean, my bf and I knew after a month, but that doesn't mean we DID it! (it's been 3 years.) That said, you two are not on the same page. With my personal experience, I would be going as nuts as you are right now, and in my experience that would be a huge red flag. I'd say, protect your heart and get out of this. He doesn't feel the same as you do, and unlike most people here, I DO think 6 months is more than enough time for even a divorced man to decide he wants to be with someone.
2shopilove 2shopilove 8 years
I, too, am divorced, so I know what it's like to get back in the dating game. But someone already summed it up perfectly--you are with the wrong person. And after a marriage that didn't work for you, why in the world would you be with a guy who isn't exactly what you want? We deserve that after failed marriages!!! You love sex? Great! Find a guy who is on the same page. And that goes for everything else you want in a partner. And FYI--even if he wanted to marry you, what the heck does that prove?? Why do you need him to feel that way?And for any woman out there--you shouldn't need marriage to tell you or prove to you that a man is commited to you. Marriage in this day and age means something different than it ever used to. I am all for marriage, but too many chicks feel like that is the only way to feel that their guy is commited. That is the wrong reason to get married. Marriage doesn't prove a commitment--it just changes a few things about the commitment that should already exist.
2shopilove 2shopilove 8 years
I, too, am divorced, so I know what it's like to get back in the dating game. But someone already summed it up perfectly--you are with the wrong person. And after a marriage that didn't work for you, why in the world would you be with a guy who isn't exactly what you want? We deserve that after failed marriages!!! You love sex? Great! Find a guy who is on the same page. And that goes for everything else you want in a partner. And FYI--even if he wanted to marry you, what the heck does that prove?? Why do you need him to feel that way? And for any woman out there--you shouldn't need marriage to tell you or prove to you that a man is commited to you. Marriage in this day and age means something different than it ever used to. I am all for marriage, but too many chicks feel like that is the only way to feel that their guy is commited. That is the wrong reason to get married. Marriage doesn't prove a commitment--it just changes a few things about the commitment that should already exist.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 8 years
Why not just be single for a while? You just got divorced, chill out already!
Working-Girl Working-Girl 8 years
I don't agree with Eternity's response. You cannot know yet if you are with the right or wrong man. His opinion could very well change down the road, when and if he realizes that the two of you are meant to be together. Give it some time. I know, every women wants the man to profess his love endlessly, from the top of the mountains, but truth be told... doesn't usually happen. Give it a year or two, then discuss the topic again. Good luck!
Marci Marci 8 years
brenababy makes a lot of sense, and she's experience talking. I agree with those who say there's nothing wrong with you. And I think it's terrific that you're aware of and analyzing the conflicts in your wants for yourself and what you want from this guy. Just give it all some time to become whatever it's going to become.
Marci Marci 8 years
brenababy makes a lot of sense, and she's experience talking. I agree with those who say there's nothing wrong with you. And I think it's terrific that you're aware of and analyzing the conflicts in your wants for yourself and what you want from this guy. Just give it all some time to become whatever it's going to become.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
Being "in love" at 6 months does not mean you guys would make great life partners! It already sounds like you aren't on the same page on a lot of topics that cause tension down the road (amount of sex, time spent together etc.)I also agree w/ whoever made the comment about the power struggles. Seems like you want control.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
Being "in love" at 6 months does not mean you guys would make great life partners! It already sounds like you aren't on the same page on a lot of topics that cause tension down the road (amount of sex, time spent together etc.) I also agree w/ whoever made the comment about the power struggles. Seems like you want control.
vmruby vmruby 8 years
The only thing that's wrong is that you need to Chill!!!!! Give your relationship a little more time It's a life altering decision and most people don't decide to do it in a split second.....
vmruby vmruby 8 years
The only thing that's wrong is that you need to Chill!!!!! Give your relationship a little more time It's a life altering decision and most people don't decide to do it in a split second.....
brenababy brenababy 8 years
I think it may be because you did have a bad marriage and then divorced, that is sad. I think you may feel a little needy.... Totally understandable and you want him to need you, to want to marry you, and you want him to make you feel complete again. You may think that can repair your hurt. I dunno I went through a really bad divorce and that is how I felt I just wanted someone to Love me and want me because my husband didn’t and that was so painful! Just my thoughts..... Nothing is wrong with you! Just think positive and believe in yourself! :)
brenababy brenababy 8 years
I think it may be because you did have a bad marriage and then divorced, that is sad.I think you may feel a little needy.... Totally understandable and you want him to need you, to want to marry you, and you want him to make you feel complete again. You may think that can repair your hurt.I dunno I went through a really bad divorce and that is how I felt I just wanted someone to Love me and want me because my husband didn’t and that was so painful!Just my thoughts.....Nothing is wrong with you! Just think positive and believe in yourself! :)
Eternity Eternity 8 years
nothing. you are with the wrong person, its that simple.
NdHebert NdHebert 8 years
6 months? geez calm down!
NdHebert NdHebert 8 years
6 months? geez calm down!
chakra_healer chakra_healer 8 years
P.S. there's nothing wrong with you! You're just doing the girl thing where we romanticize marriage as a show of true love and commitment, while forgetting that long term commitments like that take a lot of work after the fluffy white dress, cake, and rings.
chakra_healer chakra_healer 8 years
P.S. there's nothing wrong with you!You're just doing the girl thing where we romanticize marriage as a show of true love and commitment, while forgetting that long term commitments like that take a lot of work after the fluffy white dress, cake, and rings.
chakra_healer chakra_healer 8 years
It has only been six months, why try to make the relationship more than it is? I mean, marriage? Your post states that isn't even one of your goals currently. Just relax, know that he does want you and want to be with you, or he wouldn't be there now. Enjoy the relationship and be present in mind for what it is now. If a time comes when your stance on re-marriage softens, let him know and see if he's in the same place. But again, marriage is not an issue after six months and as you said, not for you now and that matches his current choice.
chakra_healer chakra_healer 8 years
It has only been six months, why try to make the relationship more than it is? I mean, marriage? Your post states that isn't even one of your goals currently. Just relax, know that he does want you and want to be with you, or he wouldn't be there now. Enjoy the relationship and be present in mind for what it is now. If a time comes when your stance on re-marriage softens, let him know and see if he's in the same place. But again, marriage is not an issue after six months and as you said, not for you now and that matches his current choice.
Alisha_Stiletto Alisha_Stiletto 8 years
Loaded question "whats wrong with me". LOL I think there is something a little wrong with being with a person for 6 months and having marriage on the mind. Considering the two of you have had a rocky past with regards to marriage, take your time and get to know each other and yourselves better. He says that he never wants to marry again - could be two things 1. He really means that, and there's no amount of waiting or "trying" to convince him otherwise. *yes we should respect people's wishes 2. He's hurt still, and is shying away from the topic on a whole and might open up to the idea down the road. You could have a conversation with him - and if you do, you might not want to push the issue or anything - just have an honest convo about it because you should know if this is something that you should be investing more time in or if you should walk. Only one way to find out, right?
Alisha_Stiletto Alisha_Stiletto 8 years
Loaded question "whats wrong with me". LOLI think there is something a little wrong with being with a person for 6 months and having marriage on the mind. Considering the two of you have had a rocky past with regards to marriage, take your time and get to know each other and yourselves better.He says that he never wants to marry again - could be two things1. He really means that, and there's no amount of waiting or "trying" to convince him otherwise. *yes we should respect people's wishes2. He's hurt still, and is shying away from the topic on a whole and might open up to the idea down the road.You could have a conversation with him - and if you do, you might not want to push the issue or anything - just have an honest convo about it because you should know if this is something that you should be investing more time in or if you should walk.Only one way to find out, right?
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