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You Asked: When will I be Ready to Move on?


Dear Sugar--
Last year I unexpectedly got pregnant while on birth control. At the time I had been dating the father of my baby for over five years, and he beamed with pride when he saw the first ultrasound, but I was very young (22) and wasn't sure how to tell my conservative family. When I was only 7 weeks pregnant, I had a miscarriage. The miscarriage was devastating to me, but since no one knew I was pregnant in the first place, I didn't tell anyone. I was exhausted for about 8 weeks during and immediately after the first day of miscarriage, and I was sad and detached in a way I didn't know how to explain to my partner and best friend.

After a few months, he broke up with me, saying I was just so sad all the time, and he didn't think we were "working." After a week apart we ended up getting back together, we stayed together for two more months and I was very happy, but then he left again. It has been six months since we broke up and he is now dating someone else--someone who looks like me, seems like me, and my friends tell me he is taking her to the exact places we used to go and doing things we used to do together. I am devastated and I don't understand if he misses me or not; it seems like he doesn't, but it also seems like he is trying hard to replace what we had.

I know I should be trying to "move on," but I miss him and my baby so much it hurts. I just want to be a family again. When I tell my other 20-something friends how much I want to have children, they look at me like I am crazy. I have heard people say miscarriage is sometimes the will of God, but that phrase gives me no comfort. Why would God take away something that gives so much happiness? How long does it take to recover from a miscarriage? Will I ever feel happy or whole again? --Feeling Blue Brenda

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Dear Feeling Blue Brenda--

I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage -- that must have been a devastating time and my heart truly goes out to you. Although it doesn't give you any comfort, the saying rings true -- a miscarriage is your body's way of telling you it wasn't meant to be, that the baby wasn't healthy. Carrying such an upsetting weight on your shoulders all on your own can't be good for you. Have you given any thought to seeing a therapist, or opening up to your family or friends? Talking about your feelings, and getting some of your hurt and heartache off your chest is the first step to the grieving process. Keeping all your emotions bottled up inside will not do anything to help you move on.

It sounds like your boyfriend couldn't handle the pressure or intensity of your hurt, or maybe he was hurting just as you were, but ran from his reality instead of facing it head on. Regardless of his rationale, he should have been there for you, so as much as you miss him, it sounds like you are better off without him. He clearly can't support you when the going gets tough. Everyone grows and develops at different paces, so try not to be so hard on yourself. With time, your wounds will heal. And Brenda, I can't stress to you enough how helpful it will be to open up to a trusted friend or counselor -- sometimes you just need a little help from a friend or a good shoulder to cry on. I wish you well.

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