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You Asked: Where Are All the Men?

Dear Sugar,
After over 25 years of marriage and raising our children, my now ex-husband decided he was ready to trade in the old wife for a newer model. I decided that if he was not happy and wanted to leave, he had to be the "man" and tell me. He did, but after all those years of being in a relationship, I feel older and far less desirable. I've been told I'm attractive (by my girlfriends and their parents and male friends) but it would be nice to hear it from a man. Better yet, it would be most satisfying to be made to feel attractive by a man! I've tried online dating sites but they have all been very disappointing. When I do go out, the only males that show me any attention are 15 to 20 years younger than me. Maybe I should be flattered, but I really just think they see me as their "fair game" that might just be desperate enough to go home with them.

So the "boys" are out there, but where are all the men? I know men my age are trying to prove they are still good enough to get the younger "girls," but I guess I have placed the double standard on myself to actually think a younger man is really interested in me. I would love to just have someone in my life to share a social life and have fun. Is this too much to ask?
— Ready to Start Over Sandy

To see Dear Sugar's answer

.

No, it's not too much to ask Sandy. E. Jean actually said it best, it's all about seizing the opportunity. Check out her list of 36 great places to meet men — if you're approachable and get yourself out there, it'll just be a matter of time before you meet someone that sparks your interest.

The fact that you're assuming that these younger men are just trying to take advantage of you makes me think your self-esteem needs a little boost. Go do something nice for yourself, buy a new sexy shirt, work out or get a facial — just do anything that lifts your spirits, and while doing so, make sure to keep your eyes open for potential suitors. Sometimes it's the ones that are right under our noses that turn out to be real keepers! You might not meet the man of your dreams tomorrow, but remember, you're not the only one whose looking to meet a quality partner to spend time with so don't give up.

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snowbunny11 snowbunny11 8 years
I agree with everyone! You never know what will happen! If you are looking for a specific kind of man, try match.com or something like that where you can speficiy what you're looking for. It won't be as much fun as meeting these young guys when you go out, but it might be good to pick up a date or two.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 8 years
Do what your ex-husband did. Get yourself a newer model. And make sure it's an upgrade. ;)
Asia84 Asia84 8 years
Screw the young-bucks for fun.at your age, it's okay to be a ho-bag. do things you would've never done at a younger age (unless you were a Lindsey Lohan in your 20s, then nevermind. i heard herpes burns).just go out an enjoy life.but if that's not to your liking,find new things to do that older men do.join a wine club. i'm part of one, and all the men are usually older with their lives put together and no drama. and they usually have a little $$$ (hey, you deserve some diamonds, honey!).but don't try to find this perfect match. it doesn't exist. just have fun. this is your second wind.
Asia84 Asia84 8 years
Screw the young-bucks for fun. at your age, it's okay to be a ho-bag. do things you would've never done at a younger age (unless you were a Lindsey Lohan in your 20s, then nevermind. i heard herpes burns). just go out an enjoy life. but if that's not to your liking,find new things to do that older men do. join a wine club. i'm part of one, and all the men are usually older with their lives put together and no drama. and they usually have a little $$$ (hey, you deserve some diamonds, honey!). but don't try to find this perfect match. it doesn't exist. just have fun. this is your second wind.
hotstuff hotstuff 8 years
So your depressed about not having a man to "share a social life and have fun" yet your turning down men based on their age? Girl you better wake up and get with 2008! Look around you, people are enjoying their lives with whoever makes them happy. Why be so judgemental you never know if your turning down the best love of your life. Men sure have caught on to this and don't give a flying crap about who judges them. Women are now opening up and dating younger men also...why not? I wish we were given ages here to really see where the OP is coming from but I'm going to go ahead and crunch some numbers myself. Lets say you got married young at 20 so now your around 45 years old, a man who is 15 yrs younger is only about 30 years old. I don't see the problem here as long as it's not some teenage kid. You could really be missing out on some young, vibrant, successful, smart, sexy, hard working men all because you've put yourself in a box. Obviously they find you sexy go for it!
hotstuff hotstuff 8 years
So your depressed about not having a man to "share a social life and have fun" yet your turning down men based on their age? Girl you better wake up and get with 2008! Look around you, people are enjoying their lives with whoever makes them happy. Why be so judgemental you never know if your turning down the best love of your life. Men sure have caught on to this and don't give a flying crap about who judges them. Women are now opening up and dating younger men also...why not?I wish we were given ages here to really see where the OP is coming from but I'm going to go ahead and crunch some numbers myself. Lets say you got married young at 20 so now your around 45 years old, a man who is 15 yrs younger is only about 30 years old. I don't see the problem here as long as it's not some teenage kid. You could really be missing out on some young, vibrant, successful, smart, sexy, hard working men all because you've put yourself in a box. Obviously they find you sexy go for it!
Matdredalia Matdredalia 8 years
A man's age doesn't matter, it's his maturity. My mother was a 32 year old mother of 2 (I was 13) when she met my step-dad who was only 21 at the time. This April it will be 7 years since they started dating. He moved in about a year later, and while they didn't get married until farther down the road, he seriously has been one of the greatest influences on my mother, myself, and my brother. Don't rule out younger men. Believe it or not, some of them can step up to bat in a way that a lot of men your own age may be afraid to. Men your own age may have been hurt in the past like you and are afraid to take risks, or may be afraid to settle down because they've had bad experiences with doing so in the past.As for the overall problem: stop looking so hard. I've found that more often than not, when people are looking for someone, they come off as desperate and that isn't very attractive. I know that sounds terrible, but it is not meant to be offensive. Just relax and do things you enjoy. Enjoy your freedom. You have a second chance to kick back, relax, and enjoy life. Go out dancing, plow through that book list you've been working on, build a greenhouse! Partake in things that interest you and you are much more likely to find someone you click with then on any online dating site.
Matdredalia Matdredalia 8 years
A man's age doesn't matter, it's his maturity. My mother was a 32 year old mother of 2 (I was 13) when she met my step-dad who was only 21 at the time. This April it will be 7 years since they started dating. He moved in about a year later, and while they didn't get married until farther down the road, he seriously has been one of the greatest influences on my mother, myself, and my brother. Don't rule out younger men. Believe it or not, some of them can step up to bat in a way that a lot of men your own age may be afraid to. Men your own age may have been hurt in the past like you and are afraid to take risks, or may be afraid to settle down because they've had bad experiences with doing so in the past. As for the overall problem: stop looking so hard. I've found that more often than not, when people are looking for someone, they come off as desperate and that isn't very attractive. I know that sounds terrible, but it is not meant to be offensive. Just relax and do things you enjoy. Enjoy your freedom. You have a second chance to kick back, relax, and enjoy life. Go out dancing, plow through that book list you've been working on, build a greenhouse! Partake in things that interest you and you are much more likely to find someone you click with then on any online dating site.
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 8 years
maybe the boys are after you because they can sense that you are unsure about yourself and rely on men to make yourself feel attractive. If a woman knows she is attractive she will attract stronger men who arent little boys.
Berlin Berlin 8 years
A big reason older men like younger women is because they aren't as timid! They will walk up to a guy and ask him out and not feel like it is so tabu...well they have more of a chance of doing that then women in their say 40s. Younger women (that the older men are attracted to!) are more vibrant and willing to show some spunk, and be flirtatious and more aggressive. But shy/timid younger women are the same as the ones in their 30s/40s/50s and are waiting around for the guy to show interest. Well dammit men want attention too! And if you are going to compete, then you need to up your spunk, find the man that you want to show interest in and go for it. You can't just sit back and wait for them to come to you...we're in an even playing field now where it's all up for grabs. If you want it, take it, and find the man that will make you happy. Otherwise you can be sitting there for years to come hoping the one you want will eventually happen upon you...which will certainly do nothing for you. And if you want a self esteem boost...I'm sorry but nothing's better than being received by a guy YOU advance on. It's far better than getting a compliment from someone you don't really have an interest in. So have a cocktail, feel a bit loosened up, grab some friends and feel that powerful energy, then strut yourself and your confidence up to a man and ask him some hot question, pickup line, or to dance. Knock his socks off that way and then he'll be pinning over you!
Berlin Berlin 8 years
A big reason older men like younger women is because they aren't as timid! They will walk up to a guy and ask him out and not feel like it is so tabu...well they have more of a chance of doing that then women in their say 40s. Younger women (that the older men are attracted to!) are more vibrant and willing to show some spunk, and be flirtatious and more aggressive. But shy/timid younger women are the same as the ones in their 30s/40s/50s and are waiting around for the guy to show interest. Well dammit men want attention too! And if you are going to compete, then you need to up your spunk, find the man that you want to show interest in and go for it. You can't just sit back and wait for them to come to you...we're in an even playing field now where it's all up for grabs. If you want it, take it, and find the man that will make you happy. Otherwise you can be sitting there for years to come hoping the one you want will eventually happen upon you...which will certainly do nothing for you. And if you want a self esteem boost...I'm sorry but nothing's better than being received by a guy YOU advance on. It's far better than getting a compliment from someone you don't really have an interest in. So have a cocktail, feel a bit loosened up, grab some friends and feel that powerful energy, then strut yourself and your confidence up to a man and ask him some hot question, pickup line, or to dance. Knock his socks off that way and then he'll be pinning over you!
citizenkane citizenkane 8 years
I agree with Dear Sugar's advice about seizing the opportunity! You neer know what will happen when you are confident and happy feeling (and looking!).Who cares about the guy's age? You will be able to tell if they are truly interested or not. Also, remember that its OK to make the first move! Don't be shy!
citizenkane citizenkane 8 years
I agree with Dear Sugar's advice about seizing the opportunity! You neer know what will happen when you are confident and happy feeling (and looking!). Who cares about the guy's age? You will be able to tell if they are truly interested or not. Also, remember that its OK to make the first move! Don't be shy!
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