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You Asked: Where Did This Hatred Come From?

Dear Sugar,

I dated this guy for about six months and we mutually decided to break things off. Before dating, we were amazing friends; we hung out all the time and have always been in the same circle of friends. We agreed to remain good friends after ending it because neither of us wanted to lose the friendship. However, my continuing to hang out in our circle upset him to the point where he deleted/blocked me from MSN, removed pictures of me from his Facebook page, and wrote me an extremely rude email telling me that he no longer wanted to see me. Since receiving his harsh note, I have respected his wishes and we haven't talked or seen each other in two months.

Just today he removed me from his friend status on Facebook without any provocation. Naturally I'm upset by all of this and confused as to what his motives were. Does he hate me? — Aggravated Ashley

To see DearSugar's answer

.

Dear Aggravated Ashley,

Although you guys wanted to remain friends after the breakup, it's pretty clear by his actions that he's not capable of doing so just yet. Perhaps he's more brokenhearted than he's letting on, or maybe he met someone else — we could make assumptions all day long but the only way you'll know what's really going on is if you ask him. He's going to be hard to avoid since you're in the same circle of friends so I'd write him an email asking if you can meet or talk to clear the air. Since you don't know where this behavior is coming from, chances are there's been some sort of misunderstanding, so before this gets too blown out of proportion, nip it in the bud ASAP. I hope you two can talk through everything and figure out if there's a way to at least be civil toward each other until your friendship can mend itself naturally. Good luck.

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AlexE70 AlexE70 7 years
I agree with Sugar. I went through something similar with my ex, to the point where I had to get a restraining order against her. But, somehow, we've managed to patch things up, and remain very close friends to this day, much like we were before we started dating. She even calls me up to get a guys point of view about dating and stuff like that. If he's suddenly turned hostile or violent towards you without provocation, perhaps it's best you have a sit down and talk things through until you can both come to a mutually agreement on what your new relationship will be, if anything at all. Talking is always key. Sometimes, the other person simply wants to talk, but will behave hostile because they're not getting the attention from you they feel they deserve. Best to try and talk to him. If left unaddressed for too long, problems could easily escalate into something a bit more hostile. I've seen it happen. Of course, if nothing can be resolved after talking, it's best to simply move on.
lovelie lovelie 7 years
I've done this to someone before, not my proudest moment. I had told my ex that I was dating someone else, and he pretended like he was ok with it, and then literally the next week he shows up to the place we would always go for drinks with another girl. I was upset, but I tried to act like I wasn't. After a couple of weeks tho, of constantly seeing his name splattered on my newsfeed, I deleted him. It was impulsive, and I regretted it afterwards. And sure enough, the next time I saw him he pulled me aside and told me how hurt he was that I did'nt want him in my life anymore. I really had no explaination, I was just being a coward. Needless to say, I think your ex is probably running on the same mindset. Sometimes people just do stupid things to hide their feelings. I guess you could say its self-preservation. I would try to not take it too personally though.
356UIK 356UIK 7 years
Ew I hate weird computer stuff like FB, etc. Exactly why I dont participate in stuff like that. :(
bluesteyes bluesteyes 7 years
And don't bother contacting him at all, LEAVE IT ALONE. Get on with old friends and avoid him until he wanna speak to you and if he doesn't, it's his lost.
bluesteyes bluesteyes 7 years
i have deleted people before from my fb, don't worry too much about it all, i just wanna be private sometimes. But in your circumstances it's very clear he wants to stay away, i wouldn't do anything to resolve this, just get on with your life hon, and if he pops back in later, you can ask what went wrong exactly? Now he's too angry to be chatting to you.
Cycy Cycy 7 years
No, he doesn't hate you. He is appalled and aggravated by the fact that you have not shrivelled up and died as a result of the break-up. How dare you move on so elegantly, without once pleading to get back together again?
Muirnea Muirnea 7 years
karlotta had excellent advice and I totally agree that that is what is going on with him. And I agree with K is for Kait too. Just give him some time to truly get over everything, he needs his space right now. It's not always possible to just go back to being friends, there are new feelings involved that don't just go away. Maybe he does "hate" you b/c he misses you or didn't quite want it to end as much as you did. Just leave him alone for now like you are doing and maybe in the future y'all can start up your friendship again.
Smilesp Smilesp 7 years
If you guys had a good friendship then you should feel comfortable asking him about what's going on. Maybe he heard a rumor or something else that made him mad? It doesn't hurt to ask and that will show him you care about his friendship as well.
K-is-For-Kait K-is-For-Kait 7 years
There's no such thing as a mutual breakup. One person always wants the relationship to end more than the other. I sounds like your ex was the one who was least interested in ending it. Be sure you don't start avoiding your friends when your ex is around. He can either discuss things with you in person while your friends are around or man up and accept your presence.
jacklin jacklin 7 years
Try to ignore his behaviorand don't contact him. It seems as if he is having a difficult time with the breakup. You deserve better. Keep yourself busy.
karlotta karlotta 7 years
He's still in love with you and suffering. That's why he's acting insane. Let it go, don't talk to him, just have pity on his heart and let him keep some dignity :) He'll come around eventually, but obviously right now he needs to cut all ties and be angry in order to get over you. I really think that's all there is to it.
GScott86 GScott86 7 years
Okay, this doesn't mean he hates you, nor does it mean he's immature. It means he's not over you and can't go back to being friends. After being in relationship with someone, it's hard to going back to being just friends. I don't think I would be able to do it for a while. I hated my first gf for awhile and even wrote a page-long livejournal entry about her. Now I'm over her and we're friends again, even though I don't really talk to her as much. It will probably happen with this chick I'm seeing if we were to agree to forever just be friends. Some people need time, and others can't get over it. A relationship is like death, some can go back to the memories, others need to block it out.
Hiding55 Hiding55 7 years
Sometimes you just can't be friends following a relationship. I would give my right arm to have my crazy stalker ex leave me alone. Consider yourself lucky and stop thinking about him because he is obviously immature and you shouldn't have to convince him to be your friend and frankly he doesn't have to be your friend even if he said he would. He can change his mind and he did. If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. Move on.
Myst Myst 7 years
that should be deal* and your right Angela. If you dind't do anything to him to cause the break up, he needs act like an adult and not this childish manner.
Angela123 Angela123 7 years
I'm with Myst. Grown people realize that relationships end, you didn't DO anything to him, he needs to get over it.
Myst Myst 7 years
I say tell him to grow a pair and suck it up. You shouldn't have to bend over backwards because he has hang ups and can't tell with the break up in a mature way.
skigurl skigurl 7 years
(just for the record, i have a friend who finally just deleted her ex because she couldnt' stop herself from stalking him all day every day...so i'm sure that in his case, he was sitting there confused as to why she randomly and unprovoked decided to delete him...and that was her reasoning..it was totally personal and had nothing to do with him, per se...so don't take it personally either)
skigurl skigurl 7 years
unfortunately, facebook isn't the be all and end all of relationships, even though it sometimes seems like it's the epicentre of all the action like dear said, the two things i could imagine it being is that he is really hurt and can't bear to look at your profile all the time (or was a crazy facebook stalker and knows if he doesn't delete you he will never get over you) or else he met someone else who wanted him to do all those things...or he's actively seeking out a new girlfriend and just wants to cut all ties either way, just ignore it. don't be bothered by the way your EX boyfriend behaves. he is no longer your problem.
Jude-C Jude-C 7 years
I can see why you'd be upset, but my advice is just to leave it alone. Confronting him or trying to demand his friendship isn't going to help anything.
mydiadem mydiadem 7 years
Sounds like he is very immature and taking the breakup badly. You could (and sound to be) behaving like a mature respectful adult for months but maybe his friends are giving him a hard time about it and cutting down his masculinity. Just a theory, but whatever the case is you shouldn't worry about whether he hates you or not. That isn't in your control. Take the high road and try not to let it bother you.
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