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30 Things Divorced People Think You Should Know About Marriage

You Asked: Whose Wedding Should I Attend?

Dear Sugar--

About three months ago I was asked to be in a friend's wedding. Frankly, I was shocked that she would ask me as I've known her for less than a year, but I said sure. She's a nice girl and a new friend I wouldn't want to lose. But this weekend, my best friend got engaged. When (and if) I get married, this is the friend that I would ask to be my Maid of Honor.

The glitch is, in briefly talking to my BFF, she mentioned that she wanted to get married right around the same time of the previous friend. Now, my BFF hasn't asked me to be in her wedding party yet (she's deciding if her sister will be her only attendant to save money), but I'm still really concerned about the time conflict.

How will I choose if these weddings are, indeed, on the same weekend? Do I pick the one whose wedding I've first agreed to be in, or my best friend? Is it wrong to persuade newly engaged bride-to-be into picking a weekend that works for me, or is that just plain selfish? -- Booked up Becky

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Booked up Becky --

While you already committed to be in this acquaintance's wedding, I am sure it would be really upsetting to miss your best friend's wedding, even if you aren't in her wedding party, so I think you should talk to her about your dilemma sooner than later. I wouldn't ask her to schedule her big day around your busy schedule, so just ask her if she has a date set -- there's nothing wrong with that! If you don't want to pressure her, it isn't fair to the other girl for you to sit on your decision - you're going to have to make your choice asap so your acquaintance can find another bridesmaid if need be.

Wedding season is hard for everyone but just remember you're only human and you can't be in two places at once. If you are honest with your friend about the importance of attending your best friend's wedding, she will understand why you feel loyal to her - I am sure she wouldn't want to miss her best friend's wedding either.

When it comes down to it, follow your heart and attend the wedding of the couple you are closest to. At the end of the day, I hope this worry is just a false alarm so you can attend both weddings!

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Daddisgrl Daddisgrl 9 years
Mixed feelings here.. I've seen many friendships ruined over weddings. Big flag for me with BFF's wedding - she hasn't asked her yet and isn't sure about having anyone except her sister to save money. To save what money? 1 bouquet of flowers? The bridesmaid buys her own shoes / dress. Chances are she'd be invited to the wedding, so she's already paying for a meal. Almost seems like family is coming 1st as bridesmaids and the friend probably isn't going to be in it. If this is the case BFF needs to be honest with Becky, just as Becky needs to be honest with her. Becky did commit to the other wedding. She sounds like she didn't feel comfortable being in it to begin with, she should have declined. This new friend would have understood. If Becky pulls out due to her uncertain BFF, she could lose both of the friends for different reasons. Maybe Becky should tell the new friend she'd love to go to the wedding but not be in it; which would leave her open to attend both of them as long as they are fairly close by. She can spend time at one, then go to the other if they fall on the same day. More of a win / win situation.
Daddisgrl Daddisgrl 9 years
Mixed feelings here.. I've seen many friendships ruined over weddings.Big flag for me with BFF's wedding - she hasn't asked her yet and isn't sure about having anyone except her sister to save money. To save what money? 1 bouquet of flowers? The bridesmaid buys her own shoes / dress. Chances are she'd be invited to the wedding, so she's already paying for a meal. Almost seems like family is coming 1st as bridesmaids and the friend probably isn't going to be in it. If this is the case BFF needs to be honest with Becky, just as Becky needs to be honest with her.Becky did commit to the other wedding. She sounds like she didn't feel comfortable being in it to begin with, she should have declined. This new friend would have understood. If Becky pulls out due to her uncertain BFF, she could lose both of the friends for different reasons.Maybe Becky should tell the new friend she'd love to go to the wedding but not be in it; which would leave her open to attend both of them as long as they are fairly close by. She can spend time at one, then go to the other if they fall on the same day. More of a win / win situation.
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 9 years
so if she is your best friend forever she would understand the conflict and not schedule her nuptuals as to cause you distress....right?
facin8me facin8me 9 years
I think that you should mention it to your friend and explain that you are standing up to a wedding on such and such a date. There's no harm in that. It would be extremely rude, after accepting an invitation to be an attendant in somebody's wedding, to back out because something else has come along. It doesn't matter if it's your best friend- you've already made a commitment to somebody else and the right thing to do would be to honor it.
ash_marisa ash_marisa 9 years
If she hasn't even picked the date yet, there's no harm in mentioning it to her if she already doesn't know. I know when I picked a date, I had a few week span in which I was deciding, and would have been happy with any of the dates.
Marci Marci 9 years
I agree that you should talk to your best friend and see if she's picked a date yet and explain why you're asking. And I agree with Greggie that accepting to be a bridesmaid then backing out would be hurtful. Chances are, the two weddings won't be on the same day and you'll be able to do both.
Marci Marci 9 years
I agree that you should talk to your best friend and see if she's picked a date yet and explain why you're asking. And I agree with Greggie that accepting to be a bridesmaid then backing out would be hurtful. Chances are, the two weddings won't be on the same day and you'll be able to do both.
Greggie Greggie 9 years
I'd be very hurt as a bride if a bridesmaid backed out for someone more important, and I'd be very hurt if a friend didn't at least give me a chance to choose a different wedding date because she had a prior committment. The best friend/bride should have the option. Not even informing her of a possible conflict isn't indicative of a very close friendship to me. If she chooses to have it the same day, then there's a choice to be made on which you find more important.
Greggie Greggie 9 years
I'd be very hurt as a bride if a bridesmaid backed out for someone more important, and I'd be very hurt if a friend didn't at least give me a chance to choose a different wedding date because she had a prior committment.The best friend/bride should have the option. Not even informing her of a possible conflict isn't indicative of a very close friendship to me. If she chooses to have it the same day, then there's a choice to be made on which you find more important.
gossipqueen gossipqueen 9 years
Best friend wedding trumps New friend wedding...to me is a no brainer..and no...i would not inform or suggest to my best friend to change her wedding date for me...even if they fall on the same weekend...if she is truly your BF then she should be like a sister..i'm sure the new friend understands...or at least she should.
Greggie Greggie 9 years
I'd mention it to her BEFORE the date comes up. Often the date is chosen after speaking to the church/ceremony location and reception location and finding what they have available. I'd definitely let her know beforehand so that she can work around it if she wants to.I also agree with shottie - as a friend, I'd want to know immediately so I could work around it if I could. I can't imagine taking offense to simply being told you had a prior (and quite important) committment on a certain date I was looking at.
Greggie Greggie 9 years
I'd mention it to her BEFORE the date comes up. Often the date is chosen after speaking to the church/ceremony location and reception location and finding what they have available. I'd definitely let her know beforehand so that she can work around it if she wants to. I also agree with shottie - as a friend, I'd want to know immediately so I could work around it if I could. I can't imagine taking offense to simply being told you had a prior (and quite important) committment on a certain date I was looking at.
pinupsweetheart pinupsweetheart 9 years
You already said yes to the first girl and I am sure she is already making plans around you (dress, arrangements etc). I know you want to be there for your best friend, but why count your chickens before they are hatched. You don't know when exactly your friend will get married. She JUST got engaged. When dates come up, just make sure to mention that you are ready in a wedding party on THAT date.
pinupsweetheart pinupsweetheart 9 years
You already said yes to the first girl and I am sure she is already making plans around you (dress, arrangements etc).I know you want to be there for your best friend, but why count your chickens before they are hatched. You don't know when exactly your friend will get married. She JUST got engaged. When dates come up, just make sure to mention that you are ready in a wedding party on THAT date.
shottiehottie41 shottiehottie41 9 years
As a recent bride, I would want to know your schedule if I were your best friend... regardless of whether or not I was having multiple attendants... while it is ALL ABOUT THE BRIDE she totally would want her best friend to at least be there... but backing out of a wedding shoudl be done IMMEDIATLY if you have to... you can explain that someone close to the family or something along those lines is getting married... but either way, everything shoudl be done sooner rather than later.
smp7328 smp7328 9 years
I agree with Greggie. Talk to the best friend now. You already made the commitment to the other wedding, so you need to tell your best friend about it.
Greggie Greggie 9 years
I agree to talk to the best friend now - just explain your situation. Should she choose the same day, then you do have a big decision to make. You did commit to the other wedding first.
Greggie Greggie 9 years
I agree to talk to the best friend now - just explain your situation. Should she choose the same day, then you do have a big decision to make. You did commit to the other wedding first.
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