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You Asked: Why Can't He Just Call?

You Asked: Why Can't He Just Call?

Dear Sugar--

I just started dating my brother's best friend who I have known for 12 years. We are great together when we hangout and when we are intimate it feels like it couldn't be better. The thing is, he never calls when he says he will call!! I honestly feel this relationship could be amazing but, he just isn't putting as much effort into communicating as I am. If you say you are going to call someone... CALL - it doesn't seem that difficult of a concept! -- Waiting by the Phone Phoebe

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Waiting by the Phone Phoebe --

Grrrr, there really is nothing worse than waiting by the phone for someone to call you so I can completely understand how you're feeling. This may sound obvious, but have you talked to him about respecting your time and honoring his word? I agree, if someone says they will call, they should call, but keep in mind that men and women are different breeds especially when it comes to the phone.

The next time he says he is going to call you, tell him how you feel when he doesn't follow through. Since you are frustrated by his lack of communication with you, be sure to keep open lines of communication with him. I know I might sound like a broken record here, but men aren't mind readers so speak up and hopefully he will take the appropriate steps to improve his phone etiquette. Good luck!

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larengirl larengirl 8 years
Yeah, I've got to agree with most of the commenters here...I've just pretty much decided to cut a guy off for the same reason; it's great when we are together, but out of sight...out of mind. As far as I'm concerned, a relationship is two way - you've both got to put some effort in. Believe me, though, this is in no way to say that a guy has to call every day (I'm the type of girl who really needs her space!) but a hello now and then wouldn't hurt!
hautepink7 hautepink7 8 years
Trust me. If he's into you he will make the effort to call. I always thought maybe my ex just wasn't a phone person, but he certainly called his more recent ex about three times a day.
screammylungzout screammylungzout 8 years
...but you do call him though, right?
Marci Marci 8 years
When a guy is really interested in a girl, he calls her. That's it. All the analyzing as to why he doesn't call, or all the excuses you might come up with for his not calling? All pointless. Sounds to me like he likes it the way it is, and why wouldn't he? He's getting all the benefits without having to lift a finger. What guy doesn't want that!
cgmaetc cgmaetc 8 years
Oh dearsugar, you are so polite and sweet. I'm not. GURRRL, please don't waste another second thinking about this loser. If him not calling you when he says he will bothers you, what makes you think that will change once you get into a relationship? You think the responsible boyfriend fairy shows up and sprinkles him with perfection dust? He magically becomes more thoughtful when you hookup? NOT! Stop romanticizing how great it would be: look at the facts before you now. He's flaky, inconsiderate, and a little bit of a liar. Is that the kind of boyfriend you want? There is not even a need for you to even address this issue with him. Next time he says he'll call, tell him, "No, I'll call you sometime" and then don't call.
cgmaetc cgmaetc 8 years
Oh dearsugar, you are so polite and sweet.I'm not. GURRRL, please don't waste another second thinking about this loser. If him not calling you when he says he will bothers you, what makes you think that will change once you get into a relationship? You think the responsible boyfriend fairy shows up and sprinkles him with perfection dust? He magically becomes more thoughtful when you hookup? NOT!Stop romanticizing how great it would be: look at the facts before you now. He's flaky, inconsiderate, and a little bit of a liar. Is that the kind of boyfriend you want?There is not even a need for you to even address this issue with him. Next time he says he'll call, tell him, "No, I'll call you sometime" and then don't call.
vmruby vmruby 8 years
I would not be waiting by the phone. If he can't man-up and keep his word when it comes to making a friggin phone call when he says he will(which by the way is something that takes minimal effort, but means alot ) it makes me wonder what else he can't be bothered with.Do yourself a favor and lose him before you end up getting hurt.Odds are he won't contribute much to the relationship anyway even if it should happen to make it that far.
honey31 honey31 8 years
Forget him!He is not intrested in you so just move on and date other men.Sorry if I sound harsh but its the truth men who do that are jerks!
Tnkrbelli Tnkrbelli 8 years
Phoebe, I'd bring it to his attention and see if that changes anything. All too often guys think everything is going great with their partners when it really isn't...they aren't as good at reading women as we are at reading them! If he doesn't call when he says he will, after you have talked to him--then I guess move on. He must be thinking it's more casual and isn't as invested as you are.
Tnkrbelli Tnkrbelli 8 years
Phoebe, I'd bring it to his attention and see if that changes anything. All too often guys think everything is going great with their partners when it really isn't...they aren't as good at reading women as we are at reading them! If he doesn't call when he says he will, after you have talked to him--then I guess move on. He must be thinking it's more casual and isn't as invested as you are.
Tnkrbelli Tnkrbelli 8 years
***I don't THINK Lily*** hehe revision!
Tnkrbelli Tnkrbelli 8 years
I don't Lily is saying that every comment on here is guy-bashing. Geeeez, she's just saying that guys make mistakes (they're human after all) and often don't know that anything is wrong until YOU BRING IT to their attention.
Tnkrbelli Tnkrbelli 8 years
I don't Lily is saying that every comment on here is guy-bashing. Geeeez, she's just saying that guys make mistakes (they're human after all) and often don't know that anything is wrong until YOU BRING IT to their attention.
blingbling blingbling 8 years
Princess I agree. Guys who normally hate the phone at LEAST are more eager to chat in the beginning...if he were interested in her to the same level she is, he would call. I think the original poster's best bet is to act aloof - try playing a little hard to get instead of waiting by the phone. But honestly I stopped wasting my time with guys like this after dating a couple who pulled the same crap - I didn't like the way it made me feel, and so I stopped it by ending the games.
princess_eab princess_eab 8 years
Lily: I'm not guy-bashing. If I don't like someone, I don't call them either. Does that make me a bad woman? I don't really enjoy talking on the phone, but I think if a guy is genuine and wants to be with you, he will make an effort to. It really is that simple. I've dated a lot of losers and a couple of great guys, and this is just the truth. I wasted a LOT of time making excuses for people that didn't give a crap about me, when in reality I was letting myself be used.
princess_eab princess_eab 8 years
Sorry.... I know this sucks to hear, but if a guy really wants to call, he'll call. At least that's my experience. Relax and stop waiting by the phone, I think you're wasting your time.
clarapl clarapl 8 years
How do any of these posts reflect a negative bias against guys? Even the author of that "not into you" book--a GUY--says that calling when he says he's going to is important--that if a guy can't even manage that basic building block of trust in a relationship, there's not much hope.
clarapl clarapl 8 years
How do any of these posts reflect a negative bias against guys?Even the author of that "not into you" book--a GUY--says that calling when he says he's going to is important--that if a guy can't even manage that basic building block of trust in a relationship, there's not much hope.
lily314 lily314 8 years
My comment was not directed at this situation specifically, but rather on a slew of comments on other posts. I'm not talking about comments against blatant cheaters or abusive men, but about comments against, for example, the guy who needed a little alone time (because, of course, the girls in these cases just want love and can never be too clingy or smothering). To this particular situation: Apparently it's great when they hang out or get intimate. Does he also not communicate when he's just hanging out? Does he keep his phone commitments to other people, like his guy friends, but not to her? I think to a lot of guys, calling on the phone just isn't as big a deal as it is to girls. This guy could be one of them, and needs to be told that it's important (dearsugar's advice), or he could just be scatterbrained. That doesn't mean he's not interested; it might just mean he expresses it in other ways, or doesn't think the phone thing is a way of expressing his interest. Moreover, the poster stated that they've just started dating. At the beginning of a relationship, a guy might not necessarily feel the same emotional connection that the girl does. It might take him some time to get to the point of "really liking you" and "making an effort to follow through." If you nip things in the bud, then you never give him a chance to get to that point. So yeah, I guess the previous commenters are right that he may just not be that into her, but that might not always be the case. I don't really want to defend his behavior so much as criticize the negative bias against guys that sometimes seems like a running undertone. Sometimes it's warranted, but not always.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
lily, according to this post, he's not a first offender. Quote: "He never calls when he says he will." In my experience with men, the ones who really like you will make an effort to follow through. They can't wait to call you! Even if they hate the phone, they'll call to make a date... whatever. The ones that say they're going to do something and then don't, over and over, obviously aren't making the effort. I don't think anyone is calling this guy a villian or saying he's a bad guy - they're simply stating the obvious: that he's not as interested in her as she is in him. I truly don't think that's leaping to conclusions based on the post.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
lily, according to this post, he's not a first offender. Quote: "He never calls when he says he will."In my experience with men, the ones who really like you will make an effort to follow through. They can't wait to call you! Even if they hate the phone, they'll call to make a date... whatever. The ones that say they're going to do something and then don't, over and over, obviously aren't making the effort. I don't think anyone is calling this guy a villian or saying he's a bad guy - they're simply stating the obvious: that he's not as interested in her as she is in him. I truly don't think that's leaping to conclusions based on the post.
siouxshe siouxshe 8 years
Lily, I hear you. But if he can't do what he says he's going to do regarding a small task, what will happen when bigger issues present themselves? I have dated some pretty shy, busy and/or phone phobic guys and they all managed to call when they said they would. Sure, Phoebe should absolutely have a talk with him and if nothing changes, she can't be surprised if lack of consideration rears its ugly head in other parts of the relationship. I guess the question is: does he exhibit this behavior in other ways?
siouxshe siouxshe 8 years
Lily, I hear you. But if he can't do what he says he's going to do regarding a small task, what will happen when bigger issues present themselves? I have dated some pretty shy, busy and/or phone phobic guys and they all managed to call when they said they would.Sure, Phoebe should absolutely have a talk with him and if nothing changes, she can't be surprised if lack of consideration rears its ugly head in other parts of the relationship.I guess the question is: does he exhibit this behavior in other ways?
lily314 lily314 8 years
Clarification: I'm not advocating that girls forgive their guys for everything, overlook all their faults, and worship at their feet. By all means, don't wait by the phone; dump crappy guys; be happily single or find someone better. But don't presume guilt at first offense, either.
lily314 lily314 8 years
Ugh! This doesn't apply to just this post and these comments, but so many people on this site just jump straight to "he's not that into you." Whenever a guy doesn't call, or "needs space," or forgets to buy flowers, it's always him that's the ... well, bad guy. But guys are just people too. Sometimes they make mistakes. Sometimes they don't like talking on the phone. Sometimes they're forgetful. Sometimes they need alone time. Sometimes couples fight. Sometimes it's the girl that doesn't communicate well or consider the guy's needs. I'm not saying that every guy is perfect, but if we start treating guys like the enemies and assume the worst, then none of us will ever end up in a happy relationship. Yeah, there are villainous guys out there, and sometimes people write about them on here. But let's not assume every guy is a sleaze, because then we no longer offer constructive advice. Suppose the guy in this case is just forgetful or hates talking on the phone. But if the poster reads all these comments that mirror and magnify her own insecurities, then won't our "advice" end up sabotaging her relationship even further? Once in a while, give a guy a break.
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