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You Asked: Why Doesn't He Want Me to Come Out With His Friends?

You Asked: Why Doesn't He Want Me to Come Out With His Friends?

Dear Sugar,

I have been dating my boyfriend for nine months. We have a great relationship and one I don't want to give up on. The issue is this: I always include him with my social outings but he has yet to include me with any of his. I am a social person and he is more of a home-body, but when he does go out with his friends, he never includes me. I want to meld the two worlds together (my friends and his friends), but still maintain a balance of our own personal time with our own friends. I have mentioned all of this to him before and no actions have been taken to include me.

I'm so confused and feel that having this separation is causing me to have trust issues since I only know one of his friends (his roommate). I am not a controlling person, I feel as though I'm a ghost in his world. Do you have any words of advice?
— Left in the Dust Danielle

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Dear Left in the Dust Danielle,

The fact that you only know one of your boyfriend's friends and you've been together almost a year is a big red flag to me. It seems as though he's deliberately trying to keep his personal life separate from his life with you, which leads me to believe that he's hiding something. I'm glad to hear that you've voiced your concern, but what does he say in return? I don't blame you for developing trust issues so I advise you to readdress the subject once again.

Perhaps you could suggest organizing a get together with both sets of your friends so they can all finally meet each other. Or see if he will compromise and bring you out with him every few times he's with his friends. The company you keep says a lot about who you are so I'd get to the bottom of this ASAP. Trust your gut Danielle and listen to your intuition about this guy. Good luck to you.

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BABESTINGRAYS BABESTINGRAYS 6 years
Known each other for 7 years, we got married last year. I've me his friends many time for the past 5-6 years, they are girls and guys. We hang out some time. I get along with them normally.He says he wants to meet him friends alone sometimes because they are friends for more than 10 years and they may be ucomfortable discussing some old things or somethings that may bother me (like cultural/religious) difference we have since I'm not the same religious as them..Now thats he's married should he continue to have some occassional catch up time (with out me)? Or should once married we should meet our friends together. specially if they are women friends. Please help me understand and get this in perspective.
BABESTINGRAYS BABESTINGRAYS 6 years
Known each other for 7 years, we got married last year. I've me his friends many time for the past 5-6 years, they are girls and guys. We hang out some time. I get along with them normally. He says he wants to meet him friends alone sometimes because they are friends for more than 10 years and they may be ucomfortable discussing some old things or somethings that may bother me (like cultural/religious) difference we have since I'm not the same religious as them.. Now thats he's married should he continue to have some occassional catch up time (with out me)? Or should once married we should meet our friends together. specially if they are women friends. Please help me understand and get this in perspective.
Silverlining10 Silverlining10 8 years
Guys like their own time, and sometimes, their friends don't like them to bring their girlfriends around all the time. I was sort of hurt when my boyfriend would always purposely not invite me over or even let me come over when he knew his friends would be there. But he explained that his friends wouldn't want me hanging around all the time, and they would be less interested in hanging out with him if he was always pushing his personal life in their faces (They're all single). I say, give him space because he might be feeling the same as my boyfriend.HOWEVER, if he hasn't even formally introduced you to all his friends...That's fishy, and you have a right to make him take action.
Silverlining10 Silverlining10 8 years
Guys like their own time, and sometimes, their friends don't like them to bring their girlfriends around all the time. I was sort of hurt when my boyfriend would always purposely not invite me over or even let me come over when he knew his friends would be there. But he explained that his friends wouldn't want me hanging around all the time, and they would be less interested in hanging out with him if he was always pushing his personal life in their faces (They're all single). I say, give him space because he might be feeling the same as my boyfriend. HOWEVER, if he hasn't even formally introduced you to all his friends...That's fishy, and you have a right to make him take action.
kiwishe kiwishe 8 years
I'd like to know what's going on with this guy too! Have you ever followed him?My boyfriend of a YEAR AND A HALF does the SAME thing to to me! When we first met, it was with his friends, and after a month, I was not included in any outings. The real issue could be because I met him when I was trying to hook up with his friend who brought me into the group. My bf "stole" me away and I guess doesn't want me associated with any one of these. Other times, he hangs out one-on-one with another male friend, and I don't care to be included, but have expressed that it would be nice if he asked to hang out at some point.
kiwishe kiwishe 8 years
I'd like to know what's going on with this guy too! Have you ever followed him? My boyfriend of a YEAR AND A HALF does the SAME thing to to me! When we first met, it was with his friends, and after a month, I was not included in any outings. The real issue could be because I met him when I was trying to hook up with his friend who brought me into the group. My bf "stole" me away and I guess doesn't want me associated with any one of these. Other times, he hangs out one-on-one with another male friend, and I don't care to be included, but have expressed that it would be nice if he asked to hang out at some point.
aimeeb aimeeb 8 years
:oy:You've got to be kidding me...
aimeeb aimeeb 8 years
:oy: You've got to be kidding me...
Asia84 Asia84 8 years
i agree courtneyh.you never know what it is. just throw a get together and invite his rock-headed friends. if none of them show up, then your BF has some splainin' to do.hopefully, they do show, and everyone gets along like you wanted. everything is gravy.
Asia84 Asia84 8 years
i agree courtneyh. you never know what it is. just throw a get together and invite his rock-headed friends. if none of them show up, then your BF has some splainin' to do. hopefully, they do show, and everyone gets along like you wanted. everything is gravy.
courtneyh courtneyh 8 years
I'm gonna take the position of...you are probably a very good girlfriend, but he thinks you are too annoying for his friends. More like you would embarrass him by being a chatty-Cathy or self absorbed. Don't be offended-this means he's not cheating :)
courtneyh courtneyh 8 years
I'm gonna take the position of...you are probably a very good girlfriend, but he thinks you are too annoying for his friends. More like you would embarrass him by being a chatty-Cathy or self absorbed. Don't be offended-this means he's not cheating :)
Asia84 Asia84 8 years
are you sure???? (lol)yes, i'm always overboard. get over it.i think it's fishy that you (the poster.i can care less about what aimee is talkin') haven't met all but 1 of his friends.maybe if you're JUST the f*ck buddy, then that would be normal.i stick by my first "overboard" comment 110%.
Asia84 Asia84 8 years
are you sure???? (lol) yes, i'm always overboard. get over it. i think it's fishy that you (the poster.i can care less about what aimee is talkin') haven't met all but 1 of his friends. maybe if you're JUST the f*ck buddy, then that would be normal. i stick by my first "overboard" comment 110%.
aimeeb aimeeb 8 years
Asia84 I think that's way overboard. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 yrs and haven't met a lot of his friends. And he's not fuc**** anyone but me. :oy:Seriously.
aimeeb aimeeb 8 years
Asia84 I think that's way overboard. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 yrs and haven't met a lot of his friends. And he's not fuc**** anyone but me. :oy: Seriously.
aimeeb aimeeb 8 years
Why do people ALWAYS assume it's something bad??!!Did anyone else notice she failed to mention how OFTEN he sees his friends?? I mean not to be rude but if I only saw some of my friends on occasion I'd want it to be just me and them and not with my boyfriend. If he only sees them every so often I think you should calm down and not assume the worst. If he's going out every weekend and not inviting you then fine you might have to look into this but if it's a rarity for him to see them you should probably try and stop doing what most people do: jump to conclusions.
aimeeb aimeeb 8 years
Why do people ALWAYS assume it's something bad??!! Did anyone else notice she failed to mention how OFTEN he sees his friends?? I mean not to be rude but if I only saw some of my friends on occasion I'd want it to be just me and them and not with my boyfriend. If he only sees them every so often I think you should calm down and not assume the worst. If he's going out every weekend and not inviting you then fine you might have to look into this but if it's a rarity for him to see them you should probably try and stop doing what most people do: jump to conclusions.
mlen mlen 8 years
i'd be a bit questioning if i were you- with my ex, i never hung out with his friends all that much- they just weren't my type. but they knew who i was and they knew about me, and on occasion i'd hang out with them, or drop by and say hi and then peace out. 9 months is a long time to go with out meeting any friends really. even the new guy i'm now dating casually has introduced me to two of his friends- and we've only been seeing each other a month or two. i'd ask him flat out what he's afraid of.
emalove emalove 8 years
What Asia84 said ;) Definitely shady.
Asia84 Asia84 8 years
sorry, i'm late ladies. ok. after 9 months and you only know 1 of his friends? that's because he's f*ckin' this girl named Becky. she's the full time girl friend, and you're just part time.i think he's got something to hide.girl, you never know. he might be married or have kids. you're JUST the jump-off. and that one friend you met is his best homeboy that won't go snitchin' on him.or, you don't look like the past girlfriends he's had (too fat, too skinny, black girl, white girl, ugly-a*s girl) and he is ashamed that his boys will talk smack.or maybe he's not into you like that. you just had a steady f*ck-buddy for 9 months, and he doesn't want to rock the boat with the truth.either way, it sounds shady.
Asia84 Asia84 8 years
sorry, i'm late ladies. ok. after 9 months and you only know 1 of his friends? that's because he's f*ckin' this girl named Becky. she's the full time girl friend, and you're just part time. i think he's got something to hide. girl, you never know. he might be married or have kids. you're JUST the jump-off. and that one friend you met is his best homeboy that won't go snitchin' on him. or, you don't look like the past girlfriends he's had (too fat, too skinny, black girl, white girl, ugly-a*s girl) and he is ashamed that his boys will talk smack. or maybe he's not into you like that. you just had a steady f*ck-buddy for 9 months, and he doesn't want to rock the boat with the truth. either way, it sounds shady.
Sun_Sun Sun_Sun 8 years
when me and my now husband first started seeing each other, he showed me off left and right =) he even kinda overwhelmed me with all the introductions to allll his friends (hes so f***ing social ;))
Lavinie Lavinie 8 years
i was never much for bringing my bf around my friends but i did it because i just felt that i wanted to keep those two lives separate.. but also because i never felt that that particular relationship was serious enough to do so... but if your gut is making you think that there might be someone else... then that just might be the case.... we're all pretty intuitive when it comes to those things and you've probably seen the signs and just don't want to admit it. First and foremost - be true to you and if you don't like it, then say something and don't let him brush it off
Lavinie Lavinie 8 years
i was never much for bringing my bf around my friends but i did it because i just felt that i wanted to keep those two lives separate.. but also because i never felt that that particular relationship was serious enough to do so... but if your gut is making you think that there might be someone else... then that just might be the case.... we're all pretty intuitive when it comes to those things and you've probably seen the signs and just don't want to admit it. First and foremost - be true to you and if you don't like it, then say something and don't let him brush it off
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