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You Asked: Why Is He Using My Past Against Me?

Dear Sugar --

I've been with my boyfriend now for 3 months. I haven't been completely forthcoming with my past because I didn't think it mattered, but everyday he finds out more and more and asks me why I didn't tell him everything there is to know from day one. My past is not something I am proud of so I felt that if I told him everything, he would think less of me. I have since let my guard down and opened up, but he is now holding it against me and making me feel guilty for things I did before I even knew him. Was I not supposed to be honest after all? Did I say too much? Should I just keep my mouth shut from now on? -- Honest Heidi

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Honest Heidi --

First and foremost, if you feel like you need to hide your past from someone you are in a relationship with out of fear that he won't respect you, than you should not be with him in the first place. Not everyone has a pristine past, but we all learn from our mistakes. It's usually the hard stuff that molds the person we have become so you shouldn't feel bad about being honest with someone with whom you're trying to build a trusting and loving relationship.

Since you have only been together three months, I advise you to take a good look at your potential future with this man. The fact that he pressured you into opening up and is now holding it against you makes me fear he has controlling and manipulative tendencies that scream red flag. Trust your gut instincts and if you're feeling a twinge of doubt with him, get out of this relationship sooner than later. Good luck.

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DaddysDarlin DaddysDarlin 8 years
Your letter jumped out at me. I know for a fact that this man is trying to find out all the details of your past you would just assume forget.The same thing happened to me, he isn't asking you these questions because he is concerned about you and your life before him. He is just gaining ammunition, something to throw back at you, regardless of the fact all these things occurred before you met him.Now each time you fight, he will bring up your past, the reason: he is either currently cheating or is contemplating cheating, and he regardless if it makes any sense at all, will throw your past up at you and tell you that is the reason he cheats.It bothered him so much about your past, that he just cheated, he didn't know what he was thinking. blah blah blah.Been there, done that. Get the hell away from this guy as soon as you can. He has real control issues, so much so that he wishes he could have controlled your past. Sick I know, he is sick. Run don't walk away now. Peace and Love
DaddysDarlin DaddysDarlin 8 years
Your letter jumped out at me. I know for a fact that this man is trying to find out all the details of your past you would just assume forget. The same thing happened to me, he isn't asking you these questions because he is concerned about you and your life before him. He is just gaining ammunition, something to throw back at you, regardless of the fact all these things occurred before you met him. Now each time you fight, he will bring up your past, the reason: he is either currently cheating or is contemplating cheating, and he regardless if it makes any sense at all, will throw your past up at you and tell you that is the reason he cheats. It bothered him so much about your past, that he just cheated, he didn't know what he was thinking. blah blah blah. Been there, done that. Get the hell away from this guy as soon as you can. He has real control issues, so much so that he wishes he could have controlled your past. Sick I know, he is sick. Run don't walk away now. Peace and Love
Lynne-Fredericks Lynne-Fredericks 8 years
There is a wonderful book out by Harville Hendrix, PhD called "Keeping the Love you Find". It is about our initial wounding as a child and how it manifests in our life. Also how we pick our mates in our lives. What do they mirror in us. What is familiar in them from long time ago. What part do they have in them that we have given up in ourselves? It is a great book in understanding relationship.
yoan190 yoan190 8 years
I don't think you have to tell EVERYTHING. Your past is your past, and he has nothing to do with it, unless it would make him in a hard situation (like you were married, or you have a serious illness, etc). However, he could ask if he wants to, but it's not your obligation to tell him everything.
yoan190 yoan190 8 years
I don't think you have to tell EVERYTHING. Your past is your past, and he has nothing to do with it, unless it would make him in a hard situation (like you were married, or you have a serious illness, etc). However, he could ask if he wants to, but it's not your obligation to tell him everything.
hope2be hope2be 8 years
Everyone has a past, surely he does too. If he can't deal with yours, it's a little odd that you guys are still together. The thing is this, if you hide things from your past that will affect your current relationship, it is a huge problem.Let me give you my own example:My fiancee didn't tell me he has a child with another woman, I didn't know because it turned out that she had a restraining order against him for the whole time the kid was alive. I only found out after I was pregnant with ours (7 months pregnant) and he also owed thousands of dollars in child support money.Is that a problem because he lied when asked about his past? Of course! It affects your current relationship and the dynamic, and the financial (I ended up having to sacrifice some money to help him pay back child support). Until now, we're still together, and I'm unhappy because of all the lies he's told me, so I'm planning to leave him pretty soon (I do have to plan leaving someone).I agree that your past shouldn't be used against you, and he's completely off-base if he's attacking you based on what you told him about your past, but if you're letting your past seep into your new relationship, of course he'll get mad at you, do you understand my meaning?Take care!
hope2be hope2be 8 years
Everyone has a past, surely he does too. If he can't deal with yours, it's a little odd that you guys are still together. The thing is this, if you hide things from your past that will affect your current relationship, it is a huge problem. Let me give you my own example: My fiancee didn't tell me he has a child with another woman, I didn't know because it turned out that she had a restraining order against him for the whole time the kid was alive. I only found out after I was pregnant with ours (7 months pregnant) and he also owed thousands of dollars in child support money. Is that a problem because he lied when asked about his past? Of course! It affects your current relationship and the dynamic, and the financial (I ended up having to sacrifice some money to help him pay back child support). Until now, we're still together, and I'm unhappy because of all the lies he's told me, so I'm planning to leave him pretty soon (I do have to plan leaving someone). I agree that your past shouldn't be used against you, and he's completely off-base if he's attacking you based on what you told him about your past, but if you're letting your past seep into your new relationship, of course he'll get mad at you, do you understand my meaning? Take care!
vmruby vmruby 8 years
If he's not mature enough to handle the truth without throwing it back in your face then he has no business asking you to begin with.People make mistakes and no one should have to be reminded of them over and over again which is what i have a feeling his point is.Get rid of him because it's obvious he's not for you.The past is called the past for a reason. Everybody has one and in my opinion it's much better off being left there.
Marci Marci 8 years
Why does he need to know everything? And who is telling him? No matter what you did, it's in your past and should not have any bearing at this point in time. If he keeps on this topic, get rid of him. He's nosing around looking for something he doesn't even need to have a relationship with who you are now, with him.
cubadog cubadog 8 years
Past is past if he can't get over it than that is his problem. It would be different if you hadn't learned from your mistakes and moved on but you have. Using it against is just plain mean and manipulative. I would leave this relationship sooner rather than later. I don't think anything positive will come of it. There is definitely someone out there that won't care so move on and find him!
juliemyjewel juliemyjewel 8 years
This guy sounds to me like he has issues, and that he is going to end up being very possessive. Please proceed with caution with this guy. Good luck!
books-and-shoes books-and-shoes 8 years
I'm so sorry, honey. I feel for you, really do. I've been there with past bfs. Don't let what he says break down your self worth. You know that mistakes in your past have helped you become who you are today. Talk to him about it but ultimately if you know that he will never accept, then let him go. There is someone else who will truly accept you for who you are, history and all. Keep your head up, sistah! :hug:
Stella10 Stella10 8 years
I don't think I can comment because I don't know whats in your past. . . Some people have a very hard time letting go of the past and thats something that you have to live with. . . . You could have done something really terrible at some point and you might find a man who couldn't care less or you might get a man who can't stomache the thought of it. . .It all depends on whats in your closet of skeletons, but the bottom line is you can't be happy with someone who isn't happy with you.
Stella10 Stella10 8 years
I don't think I can comment because I don't know whats in your past. . . Some people have a very hard time letting go of the past and thats something that you have to live with. . . . You could have done something really terrible at some point and you might find a man who couldn't care less or you might get a man who can't stomache the thought of it. . . It all depends on whats in your closet of skeletons, but the bottom line is you can't be happy with someone who isn't happy with you.
Lovely_1 Lovely_1 8 years
Oh i know the feeling. One of my ex-boyfriends was like that too. I just blew it off, but when it started to get really bad and he would use it against me I would just tell him "Ok, that was me then, that doens't mean that's who I am now. If you can't handle that or accpet that, then you don't deserve to be with me." And I think he kind of got the point after that...
Lovely_1 Lovely_1 8 years
Oh i know the feeling. One of my ex-boyfriends was like that too. I just blew it off, but when it started to get really bad and he would use it against me I would just tell him "Ok, that was me then, that doens't mean that's who I am now. If you can't handle that or accpet that, then you don't deserve to be with me."And I think he kind of got the point after that...
nicachica nicachica 8 years
okay, who really wants to know every dark secret in the closet of someone when they first start dating? i know i don't! those are things that you get to know about a person gradually and i think you did the right thing but HE was wrong by his bad reaction. i don't know what you did, but your past is your past and if you've learned from your mistakes and you've moved on, then it should have no bearing on your present relationship. 3 months is not a long time so try and get out sooner than later because it will get much harder once you are together longer and you've developed deeper feelings.
nicachica nicachica 8 years
okay, who really wants to know every dark secret in the closet of someone when they first start dating? i know i don't! those are things that you get to know about a person gradually and i think you did the right thing but HE was wrong by his bad reaction. i don't know what you did, but your past is your past and if you've learned from your mistakes and you've moved on, then it should have no bearing on your present relationship. 3 months is not a long time so try and get out sooner than later because it will get much harder once you are together longer and you've developed deeper feelings.
nyaradzom2001 nyaradzom2001 8 years
Heidi to tell you the truth I think this relationship is not worth it. He asked and you told him and if he's holding that against you then you should take a step back and examine your relationship with him. Your past is your past and that's where it should it stay. You are a different person and if he can't acknowledge that and let go then maybe you shuold let him go. What if something else major happens if he can't handle something like this do you think he will be able to handle other bumps in your relationship.
7kimba7 7kimba7 8 years
Well it doesn't sound like you lied about anything, which is completely different than just not coming out and telling something from the get-go.If someone asks a question, you should answer it and say well, this was before I met you...You shouldn't have to hide who you are or be ashamed of yourself, but you also shouldn't have to write a resume of your past experiences to distribute to new boyfriends.I would love to know more about the things he makes you feel guilty about, since again, YOU HADN'T MET HIM YET. Or you could take my boyfriend's approach; whenever someone mentions his ex and I am there, he says "I don't know what you're talking about. I was in a pod before I met Kim." Love him.
7kimba7 7kimba7 8 years
Well it doesn't sound like you lied about anything, which is completely different than just not coming out and telling something from the get-go. If someone asks a question, you should answer it and say well, this was before I met you... You shouldn't have to hide who you are or be ashamed of yourself, but you also shouldn't have to write a resume of your past experiences to distribute to new boyfriends. I would love to know more about the things he makes you feel guilty about, since again, YOU HADN'T MET HIM YET. Or you could take my boyfriend's approach; whenever someone mentions his ex and I am there, he says "I don't know what you're talking about. I was in a pod before I met Kim." Love him.
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