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You Asked: Why Wasn't she Honest with Me?

You Asked: Why Wasn't she Honest with Me?

Dear Sugar--

My best friend of 15 years or so since 8th grade (maid of honor and general rock concert gal pal) dropped off the face of the Earth for well over a year after my wedding, despite phone calls, myspace messages, emails etc. When she was open to us getting together, we hung out and she told me she was dating a girl and had moved in with her. I have always been a very open minded person, and so this didn't bother me at all. What did bother me was that naturally I was hurt that my best friend had kept all of this from me and decided it was better not to talk to me for over a year than to share the changes she had made in her life with me.

This conversation was over a year ago and she rarely calls, never invites me anywhere and has never given me an opportunity to get to know her girlfriend. Am I being selfish or am I supposed to just let her go? -- Confused Catherine

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Confused Catherine--

It is a little weird that your best friend was being so secretive with her personal life. Is there any reason you can think of that she would be hesitant to open up to you about this? Have you ever made an impression that you are anti-gay in front of her or have you ever been unsupportive of her life choices in the past?

Her disappearing act makes me think she was having some sort of inner turmoil that she clearly needed to sort out on her own terms. Coming out can't be an easy transition, so while you are feeling neglected and hurt that she didn't confide in you, I think you need to look at the situation from her perspective and try to understand what she has been going through. Keeping her sexual preference a secret was probably incredibly hard for her so she might just need some time to adjust to her new way of life, her new relationship, and new living situation.

Since she is still keeping her distance from you, have you made it clear to her that you miss her and want to be a part of her life? She could still be a little on guard, so I suggest you talk to her, explain how much you want to get to know her girlfriend and give her the reassurance it sounds like she needs that you accept her. I think a heart to heart would do your friendship a lot of good and I wish you luck!

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Marci Marci 9 years
I think she's moved into a very different lifestyle and doesn't really want her past to be a part of it. That very often makes people grow apart. Not much you can do about that, unfortunately. And even more unfortunate but real is the fact that not all friendships are made to last forever.
clarapl clarapl 9 years
Sorry, that's supposed to be "two close friends from college who dropped off the face of the earth"--I'm a terrible typist
clarapl clarapl 9 years
I don't know why exactly this happens, but it seems to be a familiar pattern: My sister's best friend from high school--I mean, they were REALLY tight-just dropped all contact with her for a period of years. She was extremely hurt. Eventually, he did renew the friendship, and came out of the closet at the same time.My ex-boyfriend had this happen twice. Two close from college "drop off the face of the earth" as he put it--no one from their circle of friends heard from these guys for a couple of years (at separate times). When each resurfaced, they announced that they were gay. All the guys are friends again now, but my boyfriend still doesn't understand why it happened.I'm not trying to stereotype, or judge this behavior--obviously, I have no idea what it's like to be gay and still in the closet. I just thought I'd share this with you so you'd know her behavior--while hurtful--probably is NOT a reflection on you or how much she values the friendship.
clarapl clarapl 9 years
I don't know why exactly this happens, but it seems to be a familiar pattern: My sister's best friend from high school--I mean, they were REALLY tight-just dropped all contact with her for a period of years. She was extremely hurt. Eventually, he did renew the friendship, and came out of the closet at the same time. My ex-boyfriend had this happen twice. Two close from college "drop off the face of the earth" as he put it--no one from their circle of friends heard from these guys for a couple of years (at separate times). When each resurfaced, they announced that they were gay. All the guys are friends again now, but my boyfriend still doesn't understand why it happened. I'm not trying to stereotype, or judge this behavior--obviously, I have no idea what it's like to be gay and still in the closet. I just thought I'd share this with you so you'd know her behavior--while hurtful--probably is NOT a reflection on you or how much she values the friendship.
coachgirl0807 coachgirl0807 9 years
Almost the same thing happened to me! My best guy friend from high school who I speak to almost everyday started dating a guy and even moved in with him, all without telling me! It finally came out after I went to visit him and the boy friend (who I have met many times, as "just a friend") told me himself. I have known he's gay for years so I can't understand why the secrecy. We still talk, but I'm so hurt things will never be the same. I feel for you!
tyra tyra 9 years
i agree with jhuck. i don't think she is doing it on purpose, i think she is going to a hard time and you should just let her know you are there for her no matter what. maybe 1 of the resons she is keeping distance is she don't want you to think that in the past she was attracted to you or she doesn't want you second guessing your old relationship with her. good luck and stay patient if you value her friendship
tyra tyra 9 years
i agree with jhuck. i don't think she is doing it on purpose, i think she is going to a hard time and you should just let her know you are there for her no matter what. maybe 1 of the resons she is keeping distance is she don't want you to think that in the past she was attracted to you or she doesn't want you second guessing your old relationship with her.good luck and stay patient if you value her friendship
jhuck jhuck 9 years
I've had a bunch of friends come out to me, and usually after they've distanced themselves from their friends for a while. It's usually a time when they're trying to figure themselves out and figure out what they're feeling. I've never given grief to any of them for taking time to themselves because they needed it to make sense of everything going on in their head. Also, with all the hatred in this world towards people who are homosexual, it makes it hard to come out even to friends. Just think of how some struggle with telling their parents, even though your parents are supposed to love you unconditionally. Her not telling you right away was nothing against you. The only part of this I would focus on is how she's been since you've had this conversation. If she's not making an attempt to get the friendship back on track, then move on. If she misses you and realizes the err of her ways she'll make an attempt!
jhuck jhuck 9 years
I've had a bunch of friends come out to me, and usually after they've distanced themselves from their friends for a while. It's usually a time when they're trying to figure themselves out and figure out what they're feeling. I've never given grief to any of them for taking time to themselves because they needed it to make sense of everything going on in their head. Also, with all the hatred in this world towards people who are homosexual, it makes it hard to come out even to friends. Just think of how some struggle with telling their parents, even though your parents are supposed to love you unconditionally. Her not telling you right away was nothing against you.The only part of this I would focus on is how she's been since you've had this conversation. If she's not making an attempt to get the friendship back on track, then move on. If she misses you and realizes the err of her ways she'll make an attempt!
NdHebert NdHebert 9 years
By now, its time to let her go. Odd thing, I listen to Dr. Laura everyday and there was a caller with almost the same situation. Dr. Laura told her "You arent now losing your best friend, you lost her a year ago". You obviously valued the friendship more than she did, or she was ready to surround herself with people with 'her lifestyle' choices. I guess just respect her decision, and know she isnt your best friend anymore, and hasnt been for a year. Hope this helped!
NdHebert NdHebert 9 years
By now, its time to let her go.Odd thing, I listen to Dr. Laura everyday and there was a caller with almost the same situation. Dr. Laura told her "You arent now losing your best friend, you lost her a year ago".You obviously valued the friendship more than she did, or she was ready to surround herself with people with 'her lifestyle' choices. I guess just respect her decision, and know she isnt your best friend anymore, and hasnt been for a year.Hope this helped!
cravinsugar cravinsugar 9 years
Wow. I would be hurt too if one of my friends kept something liek that from me. Is it possible that she had developed feelings for you and decided to get over that by distancing herself after your wedding? I wonder if you knew her lifestyle before the wedding, or if that also was a new development.Good luck, hopefully she will come around!
cravinsugar cravinsugar 9 years
Wow. I would be hurt too if one of my friends kept something liek that from me. Is it possible that she had developed feelings for you and decided to get over that by distancing herself after your wedding? I wonder if you knew her lifestyle before the wedding, or if that also was a new development. Good luck, hopefully she will come around!
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