I have been married for almost two years. In the beginning the sex was great but it always seemed it was only when he wanted it. At first I thought it was like that since I lived with my parents we didn't have as much alone time, but now we've been married for a year and I don't climax when we have sex. I feel like he really doesn't care if I get pleasured or not. (he even says he wishes I would fake it!)
Not only do we not have sex for days, even weeks, but when we do it's not what I expect. The other day I started to initiate sex and we ended up doing nothing so I went to the shower and started to pleasure myself. Well I didn't lock the door and he caught me and I felt really guilty. I didn't even get to finish and once again I was sexually frustrated. He didn't mention anything about it later, but why do I feel so bad? And why didn't he see this as a sign that he is not giving me what I need? I have even tried telling him directly before, but hate to bring it up again and again. So is it wrong to pleasure myself?
--Sexually Frustrated Fran
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Dear Sexually Frustrated Fran--
You have every right to pleasure yourself whenever you please and as many times as you want - even if your husband was pleasuring you. There's absolutely nothing wrong with masturbating. What's wrong is that you're having to do it because your husband isn't giving you that kind of attention - I'd be totally frustrated and angry too.
Everyone is different and your husband just may not be the kind of person that needs sex that much. Or is he stressed about work? He may be unsure of how to pleasure you, which could in turn make him feel self-conscious about having sex with you. Some guys are turned off by the fact that it takes women a much longer time to climax, so he may not want to put forth the effort. Whatever the reason is, this has got to change or else you are going to end up resenting him, which could ruin your relationship.
Communication is key so express to him how important sex is to you. Since telling him how you feel doesn't help, try to initiate sex more. When it does happen, make it a really positive experience by giving him the reinforcement he might need. You've got to build back his self-esteem and make him think he's an excellent lover. If he feels good about what happens in the bedroom, he'll be more apt to want to do it more. I hope this helps!