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You Asked: Is my Marriage Over?


Dear Sugar--

I got married at 19. I am now 22 and I feel like my husband and I have nothing in common anymore. We don't even really get along anymore. I am afraid to leave because I don't know how it will affect him or me, but I feel trapped and alone and very frustrated. What should I do? We recently moved for his job and I have no family or friends here and I have no one to talk to . I will happily accept any advice you can offer me. -- Unhappy Heidi

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Unhappy Heidi--

Every couple goes through ups and downs in their relationship, are you sure this isn't just a low point that will eventually pass with time? Could you be unhappy being away from your family and friends that is in turn making you resent your husband? Have you tried talking to him about the way you are feeling? Could he be feeling some of the same emotions you are?

When couples get married young, it is very common for them to have growing pains, as you are still learning about whom you are and developing into adults. There is a huge difference between 19 and 22, but that isn't to say you can't work through your differences. Have you looked into couples counseling? Are you willing to put forth the effort to make your marriage work?

You shouldn't feel trapped in your marriage, and you shouldn't feel obligated to stay out of fear for the other person -- you need to do what is best for you. Although I am sure divorce wasn't part of your life plan when you got married, it is always an option. If you feel like you have exhausted all your options in making your marriage work, you're young enough to start over and have a happy, healthy marriage with someone else. Hang in there Heidi and good luck to you.

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JoAnn23 JoAnn23 8 years
I am in somewhat of the same position...I got married when I was 19 and I am 23 now. I became pregnant when i was 18... and I hate to say it but even though we really loved each other, having a child unexpectantly definatly put a rush on getting married. My husband and I fight A LOT, and I just graduated from college and we disagree on everything, and i kinda feel like I am being held back and that is a big burden to carry. I feel like he is getting to do all the things that he wants to do and I am not. So i really don't know what to tell you, b/c I am just as confused as you.
Aedammair Aedammair 8 years
I got married at 18, and my husband was in the Navy, so we moved around quite a bit. I had a harder time than I thought I would being away from home (I had moved across the country!). My best suggestion is find friends. Don't sit in the house -- find an organization to volunteer in or some sort of social hobby.You should talk to your husband and tell him how you are feeling. Make a date-night, where it is just you and him and you go out on a date once a week. Try something new together. If the communication doesn't pick up, try counselling. Discuss why you might not be getting along as well as you used to. The important thing is to listen to what he has to say, and for him to listen to you. Maybe it's just the move, maybe he is stressed at work. It could be anything.Best wishes!
Aedammair Aedammair 8 years
I got married at 18, and my husband was in the Navy, so we moved around quite a bit. I had a harder time than I thought I would being away from home (I had moved across the country!). My best suggestion is find friends. Don't sit in the house -- find an organization to volunteer in or some sort of social hobby. You should talk to your husband and tell him how you are feeling. Make a date-night, where it is just you and him and you go out on a date once a week. Try something new together. If the communication doesn't pick up, try counselling. Discuss why you might not be getting along as well as you used to. The important thing is to listen to what he has to say, and for him to listen to you. Maybe it's just the move, maybe he is stressed at work. It could be anything. Best wishes!
DivaBunny DivaBunny 8 years
please dont think that leaving is a solution. it doesnt sound like you've tried to talk to him about what you're feeling yet. all of the advice everyone has given is great, so please try communication with him more bc he may be feeling the same fears siince you moved, etc and instead of this situation tearing you apart, it could actually be something that brings the two of you closer. sorry to sound preachy, by my dh & i dont live anywhere near my family or the friends that i grew up with so i have to really make an effort not to rely on him for all of my social stimulation. are you working? have you met anyone there? Please feel free to pm me anytime if you want to talk! Hugs! p.s. i read men from mars and women from venus and it really helped me understand how different men & women are and it helped me at least understand we he was acting the way he was.
DivaBunny DivaBunny 8 years
please dont think that leaving is a solution. it doesnt sound like you've tried to talk to him about what you're feeling yet. all of the advice everyone has given is great, so please try communication with him more bc he may be feeling the same fears siince you moved, etc and instead of this situation tearing you apart, it could actually be something that brings the two of you closer.sorry to sound preachy, by my dh & i dont live anywhere near my family or the friends that i grew up with so i have to really make an effort not to rely on him for all of my social stimulation. are you working? have you met anyone there? Please feel free to pm me anytime if you want to talk! Hugs!p.s. i read men from mars and women from venus and it really helped me understand how different men & women are and it helped me at least understand we he was acting the way he was.
nessabum nessabum 8 years
i agree with most of the stuff here, but just not the divorce part. i'm a stickler with things like that. i don't believe that divorce is an option. you got married for a reason. find that reason again. reconnect. rekindle the romance. find some way to make new friends.
Marci Marci 8 years
There's lots of good advice in here from girls who have been in your shoes. I haven't been, so I can offer a sympathetic ear and the suggestion that you take some of the advice these girls have offered. Good luck! And a trip home isn't a bad idea. Homesickness can be very real.
oklahoma oklahoma 8 years
Its ok.. There will be rough times, always.. Just stand firm.. try your best, dear. Thats all you can do. You are young. Don't worry about it not working, put your energy INTO it working.. Its hard w/ out people around you that you don't know, even having your husband around is hard enough, he for sure does not have the feelings of a female, and doesn't know what you go through. Try to stick w/ it, all you can do is try. We all go through hard times, what makes me smile is thinking about why you got together in the first place, or why you fell in love.. that always cheers me up.. TRY IT. ;) ok??
rubialala rubialala 8 years
If you are both committed to making it work, you can come back from ANYTHING, no matter how far gone you think your relationship is. Trust me from experience. See a good marriage counselor if you have to. Don't ever think that it's too late to get better.
JBlondie JBlondie 8 years
People just get married for the wedding??? Hmmmm, I don't think that's true for a lot of people.
pinupsweetheart pinupsweetheart 8 years
I agree with DearSugar. You might be feeling lonely and homesick now that have moved and all you have is your husband. It sounds like you guys just hit a rough patch, it happens when you get married so young and you guys have not grown up yet. I suggest getting professional help to get you through this.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
Everyone else has good advice. I hate to get annoyed at posts like this, but I can't help but think that all these people getting married are just in it for the wedding and being "in love", and when things don't pan out like a freaking fairy tale they want out. I'm sorry, but we live in very selfish times. We think someone owes us being happy all the time forever and ever. Happily ever after. The reality is life and relationships take work. Now that's not to say to beat your head against a wall for 50 years. But there is happiness in sacrifice and love and work moreso than moving from one next best thing to another.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
Everyone else has good advice. I hate to get annoyed at posts like this, but I can't help but think that all these people getting married are just in it for the wedding and being "in love", and when things don't pan out like a freaking fairy tale they want out. I'm sorry, but we live in very selfish times. We think someone owes us being happy all the time forever and ever. Happily ever after. The reality is life and relationships take work. Now that's not to say to beat your head against a wall for 50 years. But there is happiness in sacrifice and love and work moreso than moving from one next best thing to another.
tshellyedwards tshellyedwards 8 years
I agree with ALSW & bfly, Heidi. My husband and I are fairly young - I'm 23 and he's almost 26, but we've been married for almost a year and a half now. We had a lot of pre-engangement counseling and then pre-marital counseling and it totally made the greatest impact on our marriage. If you and your hubby never went to some type of couple's counseling, I would highly recommend it now. It helps so much to have an objective opinion, and see what areas in the marriage both of you may be falling short on. It helps you two get to know one another better all over again, and learn how to really love each other better. Have you ever read the book called "The 5 Love Languages"? It's written by a Christian author, but seriously, you don't have to be a Christian to read it. It's amazing, and really helped me and my hubby out a lot. I would recommend it. The author's name is Gary Chapman. You can find it online, or at any bookstore. Hang in there, Heidi! Don't give up just yet... if you fight for your marriage now, it could make the biggest difference in your future.
tshellyedwards tshellyedwards 8 years
I agree with ALSW & bfly, Heidi. My husband and I are fairly young - I'm 23 and he's almost 26, but we've been married for almost a year and a half now. We had a lot of pre-engangement counseling and then pre-marital counseling and it totally made the greatest impact on our marriage. If you and your hubby never went to some type of couple's counseling, I would highly recommend it now. It helps so much to have an objective opinion, and see what areas in the marriage both of you may be falling short on. It helps you two get to know one another better all over again, and learn how to really love each other better.Have you ever read the book called "The 5 Love Languages"? It's written by a Christian author, but seriously, you don't have to be a Christian to read it. It's amazing, and really helped me and my hubby out a lot. I would recommend it. The author's name is Gary Chapman. You can find it online, or at any bookstore.Hang in there, Heidi! Don't give up just yet... if you fight for your marriage now, it could make the biggest difference in your future.
JustMe21 JustMe21 8 years
It's ok, I had the same type of issues as you. My husband and I got married when I was 18 and he was 20 and now I'm almost 22 and he's going to be 24. We've definatly been through hard times and it's only normal, especially with us being so young. If you want it to work, get counceling. If not, then like DearSugar said, there is always divorce. Even though it's not the best option, it's still there. Good luck!!!!
bfly1133 bfly1133 8 years
I am with ALSW on this one. Great advice from her and Dear Sugar. I think it is important to point out that even people that get married later in life can have "growing pains." People of all ages change and grow. Most of the time it takes work to make those changes fit into relationships of all kinds.
Msmarissa006 Msmarissa006 8 years
TRY TO GO VISIT YOUR FAMILY...MAYBE YOUR HOME SICK?
ALSW ALSW 8 years
I would definitely recommend couple's counseling. Also, find some way to get out and make some friends and try spending some time with your husband one-on-one as well - outside of the house. Try and reconnect. Moving in and of itself can be so stressful and moving somewhere completely new without family and friends can make it even worse! Maybe get out and do some of the things that you used to do together and enjoyed. Good luck!
ALSW ALSW 8 years
I would definitely recommend couple's counseling. Also, find some way to get out and make some friends and try spending some time with your husband one-on-one as well - outside of the house. Try and reconnect. Moving in and of itself can be so stressful and moving somewhere completely new without family and friends can make it even worse! Maybe get out and do some of the things that you used to do together and enjoyed.Good luck!
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