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You're Ready For Marriage, He's Not, Now What?

You're Ready For Marriage, He's Not, Now What?

Yesterday Jezebel wrote about an article from the New York Post in which Lori Uscher-Pines, the author of The Get-Your-Man-to-Marry-You Plan: Buying the Cow in the Age of Free Milk, offers five dos and don'ts for getting your man to pop the question. Disappointingly, some of her advice seems to promote guilt-inducing tricks, including the following:

Do create some dependency, you scheming bitch. Ha ha, kidding. But really, do this. "Get him to depend on you a little bit," [Uscher-Pines] says, "and then show him what life is like without this benefit." Cook him a gourmet meal every night and then stop. Pay bills and then stop. Get his car inspected and then stop. You're so bad, you're good!

Jezebel's commenters concluded that if you really want to get married and your boyfriend doesn't, then it's best to just end the relationship instead of trying to trick him into it. I wholeheartedly agree, except that I do believe there's a difference between a man who never wants to marry his girlfriend and a man who's just not ready to get married yet. But even still, the question remains: Do you wait?

What's your experience? If you loved someone who didn't want marriage, could you sacrifice your own desire in order to stay with him? Or would you try to get him to change?

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myystque myystque 7 years
That advice is horrible and makes women look really bad. And why would you want to marry someone who doesn't want to get married (or get married to you) in the first place? I'm in my late '20s and don't feel the need to get married yet, even though my boyfriend and I have been together for years.
MATRIMONY MATRIMONY 7 years
i love that you girls know better than to convince a man who doesn't want to marry you to do it! that's BANANAS! we all deserve better than that! if he doesn't like his status as a husband, he'll never be a good one! and why would any woman want to marry some one who didn't want to marry her? either be happy as bf and gf or move on!
drea12576 drea12576 7 years
Sorry I meant to say 'after a year of being together.'
drea12576 drea12576 7 years
I have been with my boyfriend for six and a half years. I immediately knew that he was the one after after about a year of marriage I was really anxious to get engaged. I had this silly idea that I must get married before the age of thirty. We had discussions about it and I knew he wasn't ready. After that I realized that I had to adjust my expectations. Occasionally, I still think about getting married and having the perfect wedding but not having a ring on my finger hasn't stopped me from building a life with my love. I know that he wants to make certain that our future is secure and he wants to give me the ring I deserve. Those things aren't as vital to me but the fact that he feels that way is. I have already found the man of my dreams and when the time is right he will propose. Yet I definitely feel there there is a time limit to just living like Kurt and Goldie. Though I do not know what that limit may be. I do believe in marriage and want to have that in my life.
Renees3 Renees3 7 years
I've been with my boyfriend for over 4 years, living together for over 3. We've moved to 3 different cities, for him to go to school, then for his job. I work from home so it hasn't been a problem. I'd love to get married soon. I know we will eventually, we talk about these things a lot, but he's the sort that wants everything Just so before he asks. We're buying a house this month, so we're in this for the long haul. As much as I want him to ask me, I would NEVER trick him or badger him into it. How would that EVER be a good thing? If he hasn't asked, he's not ready. TALK about things and find out what's holding him back. It's better to be open and honest then sneaky.
Ninabear218 Ninabear218 7 years
My biggest relation advice to all my friends is that you should always know what you are getting into when you are taking the step into a serious relationship. It is always a necessity in any relationship to be honest and upfront. Also, you should want to be with someone for who they are, NOT who you could change them into. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and living together for 1 year. I believe the reason out relationship is so envied by our friends is because we do not try to change each other at all. He may do some little things I don't like but that is apart of who he is, a person is the same as our environment (you take one thing away and everything changes). I see most that when women try to make a man change they do not realize that the forced change in return changes the things they love about their man! The marriage thing, I believe as an adult there is really no reason to pursue a serious relationship with someone who does not see themselves possibly marrying you in the future. Why would you ever want to trick someone into marrying you? I ask women this. Marriage is based on love, trust, honesty, etc... Tricking someone into marriage is pretty much breaking the reasons why you would marry someone in the first place.
Mesayme Mesayme 7 years
I now know (older and wiser) that I will marry the one 'I don't want to live without' not the one 'I could live with'...there is a BIG difference! And if he doesn't feel the same...he's just a friend, not a future husband. Badgering a guy, I call that hijacking a man's life...not cool.
Sun_Sun Sun_Sun 7 years
i agree with all the ladies who said that nagging or badgering a man into marrying u is a bad idea. i think it would definitely backfire and come back and bite u in the a$$. even if its the occasional "well im not the one who wanted to get married". theres no way around that one :S he would end up resenting u, ur relationship together and ur life as a whole. if hes not ready then u have to make a decision, either accept ur relationship without a promise of marriage or leave! i know its easier said than done! but i've found that the ones who left never looked back after that and ended up with someone on the same wavelength.
missyd missyd 7 years
?
CYL CYL 7 years
Seriously isn't this the age old question I have about 4 or 5 gfs who have been with their guys for about 4+ years and are constantly bugging them (at every anniversary, birthday, christmas, vacation) to propose or hinting. IMO the more you badger them, the more they resist. Why do you want a guy to marry you who doesn' want to marry you and the only reason they are doing it is to get you off their back :P I think the best thing to do is sit down and have a talk "Marriage is important for me, we have been together for X years now and is this something you see in our future?" Have a chat and tell him that its important to you and why it is important to you then let him. If he agrees that is something that he respects than let him do it on his own time. If it sounds like he doesn't want to get married you'll just have to move on, or decide if its something you are ok with. I know a couple who was together for 12 years before getting married. You know there is a difference between him saying he is not ready at the moment and ever. If he says he is not ready in the moment maybe the two of you can chat about when you see youself getting married just so he has some idea about when you expect to be proposed to? Give yourself an acceptable and realistic timeline for him to wrap his brain around the idea and etc (6 months to a year) before you bring it up again. That's my thoughts anyways :P
bengalspice bengalspice 7 years
I just got out of a relationship like this ... and everyone says I look happier for not being in the relationship. He, on the other hand, is probably thinking about how good it was to have someone taking care of him ... and I'm feeling bad for whatever chump dates him next.
skigurl skigurl 7 years
it's a tricky situation. if i were in love with a guy who never wanted to get married, i don't know what i'd do. thankfully, i am not in that position right now, and hope i never am!
sparklestar sparklestar 7 years
Is this woman insane? What about "forgetting your pill" and getting pregnant? Shouldn't that be number 6 on her list?! "Happily Wedded"? You mean she keeps him in a cupboard!! If a guy definitely has no intentions of marrying me then I would cut him loose. I am not going to waste my time on somebody who isn't going to provide me with what I want. I want marriage, kids and a safe, secure home. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?!
Marni7 Marni7 7 years
You should never trick or manipulate a man into marriage! Although in my relationship its more like he would like to marry possibly one day and I am just whatever about the whole thing, not really my passion in life..I do think people can be committed to each other without marriage but if its something you STRONGLY want and the guy you are with can NEVER see himself doing that then u should probably peace out or figure out whats worth more to you
Mesayme Mesayme 7 years
That's an easy goodbye for me. I wouldn't want to marry a man who doesn't want to marry me. That sounds insanely desperate to trick him into a lifelong commitment. I suppose she should ask herself why she wants to get married in the first place, whether it be religious reasons or just wanting to throw a huge party and dress up like a 'princess'... When it's right, both are usually on the same page.
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