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It's my way or the Highway

It's my way or the Highway

DearSugar--

My boyfriend and I have been together for over two years and we are so in love. Being together has changed us both for the better, I have come out of my shell a lot (I used to be shy) and he has quieted down alot (he used to do a lot of partying). I thought everything was perfect until recently.

Before we got together he used to dabble in recreational drugs quite a bit. When we met, I made it very clear how much I hate that whole drug scene and he gave it all up and completely changed his lifestyle for me. The other night it came up in conversation and he told me that he wants to be able to "have the option to take drugs" if he wants to. I was shocked. He argued that he's not planning on definitely using them again, but he wants to be free to have the option to if he's at a party, etc.

We ended up having a huge fight and told him he has to choose- the drugs or me. I feel like I might be being too harsh because I'm really not willing to compromise here- it's my way or the highway. Is this unfair of me to ask him to choose? I am head over heels in love with this guy, and while my advice would be to leave him if this wasn't my own dilemma, I am just so confused. Please help! --Just Say No Nancy

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Just Say No Nancy--

I completely understand where you are coming from here. If you have different views on drug use and the way you live your life from the person you share it with, it's no wonder a fight broke out. It sounds like I don't need to tell you that drugs can easily destroy relationships so I hope your boyfriend understands what he is doing here.

While your ultimatum is strong, you need to do what is right for you and your relationship. You have expressed your views clearly from the get go, so his sudden desire to dabble in his old ways would raise a red flag to me as well. It sounds as though he is craving some sort of freedom in his personal life so talk to him and get to the source of his desires.

Since you have such different views on the topic, you need to decide for yourself that his drug use is something you are willing to put up with. Try not to second guess your actions, hopefully he will see how serious you are and will realize, before it's too late, what he is jeopardizing for a stupid night out of meaningless partying. Good luck to you.

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hills hills 8 years
in his eyes he may think ur telling him what to do and he may be trying to be a man and take charge, but when really ur dont want him getting in to this stuff coz its dangerous. mayb u could tell him its not u being harsh its just the fact that u love him and cant stand the thought that he could get in trouble, put it like this if he does start it up again u cant stand by and watch it even if he thinks its not a big deal, it is to u, so he should care enough to stop.
lexichloe lexichloe 8 years
If he loved you, he wouldn't. Unfortunately, if you've been together for over 2 years, it sounds like he's lost interest or needs something. Fortunately, he told you. It's now in your hands, and you have 2 options. 1- you choose to be his sponsor/counselor or 2- you stay w/ him, and continue to drive yourself crazy w/ different scenarios. I don't know how old you are, but believe me, if he placed this ultimatum on your lap, it's not a good sign.
demeter demeter 8 years
It is his life, it's his decision to do drugs or not to. You can't tell him what to do. Your decision should be whether you want this guy you're 'madly in love with' despite his occasional (or however often) drug use or do you want a drug free life with someone else? Which is more important to YOU?
Daisy6264 Daisy6264 8 years
I agree with Dearsugar on this one.
designergirl designergirl 8 years
I don't think it's unfair at all. If he won't stop using to be with you, then he obviously has a problem with drugs. I have seen even the most casual user become dependent on drugs during a rough time in their life. I also think you should ask him why he would like to start using drugs again and talk the whole thing over when you're both a bit calmer.
junebrug junebrug 8 years
First, I think you're lucky to have such an honest boyfriend. Most men would have just starting using again behind your back. For him to come to you and say, "This is something I want to do and I want you to know about it" is a reflection of maturity and that he doesn't want to lose the relationship. That said, I think, like others have said, this is dependent upon how strong your feelings are about drugs and what kinds he uses, and how much. If you can't deal with any kind of drug use, I'm sad to say I think this is over. If he uses hard drugs, much less a lot of them, get out. You don't want to wind up married to someone who is spending all your money on drugs and could hurt someone in an accident. If he has control and only smokes once in a while, I personally wouldn't find it an issue, but again, if you detest drugs of any kind, that's your call.
Advah Advah 8 years
I don't take drugs and will never do, but I agree with Popgoestheworld, there's a difference between weed and something like ecstasy. I think it's a question of trust: if you make him understand you're not trying to control him but fear that he might hurt himself, hopefully he'll appreciate that you made a 'compromise' on this and will try his best not to disappoint you in doing something stupid. Once again I'm really not into drugs, but I can't help thinking that if you guys love each other so much it would be a communication problem to break up about this. Try to discuss and find a middle situation that would suit you both, even if it's not how you really want things to be. After all, if he'd never mention drugs before, it sounds like he's given up on it for you..
kiddylnd kiddylnd 8 years
You two obviously share different views on this matter. In a relationship, you don't always agree with some one's opinion. In this case though, it sounds like you have some fairly strong feelings that won't go away. If this is something you truly can't live with YOU are the one who's made the choice not to be with him, not the other way around. If you will never see eye to eye with each other on this, you might be better off letting go.
martini-queenie martini-queenie 8 years
Personally, I don't think this really has to do with drugs. I suspect this will be the first in a series of requests for "freedom" that reflect his discontent with being domesticated.
andaman andaman 8 years
Someone has told me london is coke city (and I begin to see why). Trust me it doesn't help with anything. If you are down, deal with it. Go and spend your money on therapists or on massages but not on the loser dust.
andaman andaman 8 years
Coke is probably more popular than weed among young people with a bit of money. It makes you horney, aggressive, and hyper. You have no control of your emotions. The down period isn't like a hang over, you will get really depress and you will want more. Some people think it is just a fun thing for the weekend, well a lot of people become unfaithful to their partners because of it. They think it's cool to have orgies. NO NO NO we aren't animals we are people and we have standards. We don't just screw for pleasure.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
This was originally posted in group therapy and the drugs were identified as weed and occasionally ecstasy. Just FYI. I also equate smoking a little weed from time to time to drinking from time to time. Needless to say, I do not smoke, but I wouldn't judge anyone who did any more than I would judge someone that drank all the time. If this guy wants freedom to smoke a few joints, and you aren't okay with that, then you just shouldn't be with him. I think it's more of a control issue. You want to be able to control his behavior. And if someone "changes" for you, often they lose motivation to continue changing if they get nagged constantly etc. I don't smoke weed but if my boyfriend told me I couldn't ever do it, I might just want to go out there and assert the fact that he doesn't own me and that I make my own decisions. I realize that makes me a paragon of maturity, but whatever. Some people just don't like being controled.
summer-roberts summer-roberts 8 years
Drugs, no matter what kind are a big deal. It is my opinion that if he really wanted to be with you, he would not want to do drugs since you have stated from the beginning your position. If the option of taking drugs is worth losing you, then he does not care for you the way you care for him.
cubadog cubadog 8 years
It is up to you if you think this guy is worth I do agree somewhat with carvin and the Clueless quote. To me and a lot of other people pot is not a big deal I equate it with drinking alcohol. So to be honest if he wanted to have a brownie or smoke a little at a party I really don't see the harm unless he plans on driving somewhere. But I do have to say anything beyond that herion, cocaine, X, and whatever else I have a huge problem with it. So in other words you need to decide how big a deal this really is to YOU no one can say if you are being harsh since it is your opinion and at the end of the day that is all that matters!
cravinsugar cravinsugar 8 years
Ok, so I too am against drugs, I will quote one of my fav movies, Clueless "Thai, it is one thing to spark a doob and get laced at parties, but it is quite another to stay high all day. I mean, they come to class and say bonehead things and we all laugh and all, but no respectable girl wants to date them." I must admit, while i don't do drugs, and have worked with plenty of people who do and got so frustrated with them, if I am at a party where drugs are, if it is a friend (which i don't have friends like that anymore, but this is when i did) I would perhaps make it so some smoke got blown in close proximity to my nose, but, if it wasn't someone i was friends iwth , i would be so uncomfrotable i would have to leave.
jaxon jaxon 8 years
I think you are justified in your position. I don't see it as a parent controlling a child. It's not that he can't but you need to be clear of the consequences if he does. If you are anti-drugs and that life style then you should be with someone who feels the same way. You're not saying that he can't use drugs if he chooses but that he can't be with you and do so there's a difference.
fab4 fab4 8 years
Do not compromise what you want in a partner. If you want to date someone who doesn't do drugs, then do it. Seems like he's choosing them over you.
Marci Marci 8 years
Andaman took the words right out of my mouth. Good, good advice.
candy-apple candy-apple 8 years
i think i have a pretty good idea as to what's going on here: i just had the same fight with my boyfriend but from the other side. i have addiction that i had a very hard time quitting and my boyfriend was very supportive throughout but what drives me insane is when he says things like "now you're smarter.. you'll never do that kind of thing again." i feel that in a relationship, whatever the problem is, you need to have room to make mistakes. nobody's perfect and i do believe that in some circumstances a slip-up is justifiable. i mean, i'm definitly not going to fall back into all that again but i feel completely stifled when my boyfriend acts like the issue is settled and i will never do that "ever again". nobody's perfect. and also, nobody has the right to control another person's decisions, no matter how much you care for them. besides, people with addictions have a much better chance of staying clean when they are the once choosing to do so, every day, as opposed to obeying to somebody else's rules. i think it's more of an issue of freedom and trust that anything else. if you were the jealous type and your boyfriend was partying with other women, would you lock him inside the house or allow him to go and make his own choices? i don't know maybe my brain is still somehow addiction-addled but i do believe your boyfriend has a point. don't know if anyone agrees..
jennifer76 jennifer76 8 years
I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. If you are super anti-drugs of any kind, that's understandable. And if he wants to be able to join in when a joint is being passed around a party without you flipping out, that's understandable. It just doesn't really sound like your views are compatible. I will say, though, that if you just have really strong opinions about drugs that's one thing. But, if your general position is that he's not "allowed" to do anything you wouldn't do or anything you don't approve of, then that sounds more like someone taking care of a child than someone who wants to be in an adult relationship.
andaman andaman 8 years
Whatever you do just don't take them for the sake of trying to understand what or how he feels. Just ignore the drugs and walk away from this guy. You want someone clean don't you? Weeds is okayish but coke is a big NO.
andaman andaman 8 years
Honey get rid of him. What's the point?? Reall what is the point of having fun that way? It souds like he will do anyway. I think if he likes it and his friends are obviously very into the whole scene. I think you two are on a completely different path here.
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