I've heard it said that love is more an action than a feeling, but I think when it comes to women and sex, it's the opposite. Sex is actually more a feeling than an action, because for women, sex starts in our heads.
Have you ever heard the saying, "men are like microwaves and women are like slow-cookers"? It's supposed to be because men can heat up quickly, while women take longer, but I don't like that analogy. It implies that women will, indeed, heat up. And the truth is there's no guarantee. If your head isn't in the game, he can be doing the exact same thing to you that two nights ago had you in raptures, and tonight you're lying there thinking, "will we be done soon? Because I've really got to get to sleep."
When you have little kids, sex can become such a battleground. You're exhausted because you have little ones hanging off of you all day, and you just want some time to yourself — preferably in a bubble bath with some chocolate. Meanwhile your husband feels a little antsy and insecure about the relationship because you're spending so much time with the kids, and wants that reassurance that you still love him. And so he becomes someone else on your "to-do list" that you have to satisfy.
That's hardly a recipe for getting in the mood.
When I was researching my new book, The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex, I found that about 40% of moms made love less than once a week. When kids come along, husbands get pushed aside. Is there a way around this impasse?
I think so. Here are three new ways to think about sex, even when you're up to your eyeballs in diapers, and your bed is covered with laundry to be folded:
1. Sex is More Than Physical
Often we put sex on the back burner because we really don't feel like we need an orgasm nearly as much as we need sleep! But sex is about more than feeling good physically. It's also about experiencing real intimacy. You're naked together. You're fully vulnerable. You truly know each other. You're like this with no other human being in the world. It's a way to know and be known.
When we make love, we feel closer together. We smile more. He smiles more! We release oxytocin, that bonding hormone, that makes us feel more committed and more intensely connected.
When you're exhausted with babies and little ones, making love can actually invigorate you because you realize that you're not in this alone. And sometimes we really need that assurance!
2. You Don't Need to Be In the Mood
When couples fall into bed on TV, they're usually both clawing each others' clothes off. They don't lie in bed together, and then turn to each other and say, "y'wanna?" They're already totally aroused.
Rosemary Basson, from the University of British Columbia, found that in women, desire is usually a product of making love, not the cause of it. In other words, most women don’t start out making love “in the mood.” They get in the mood because they decide to throw themselves into it, and once they start, their bodies catch up.
You don't have to wait to feel aroused. You just have to be enthusiastic, and your body will follow!
3. Sex Helps You Sleep Better
In my surveys, exhaustion was the number one reason women avoided sex. Yet ironically that's probably the wrong prescription.
When you make love, you sleep better! You fall asleep faster and your sleep is more productive. So spending half an hour in the evening being more active with your husband, even if you’re tired, will help you feel more rested.
It's easy to put sex on the back burner with kids, but your marriage is worth more. So since our brains are our biggest sex organs, let's use them to our advantage! Decide to be excited about sex. Decide that you want to pursue your husband and have a great marriage, even if it's just for your kids' sake. And then jump in! It's worth it.
The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.