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5 Ways to Cope with a Cheating Husband

5 Ways to Cope with a Cheating Husband

Consuello S.'s husband is having an affair with a woman at work. “At first I ignored it," says this Circle of Moms member. But then the evidence began to mount. First she noticed he was erasing calls on his cell phone, then a colleague of his approached her, "and suggested I open my eyes.” 

Alicia S., another mom in this situation, got wind more directly: her best friend confessed she was having a relationship with Alicia’s husband!

As discussions on Circle of Moms show, Consuello and Alicia are not alone. Many women who've suspected their husbands of cheating seek help on Circle of Moms. But there are also many moms out there who have dealt with a cheating partner and who offer wise words and coping strategies. Here, culled from their conversations, are five approaches you can take to getting your world back in control when you suspect your partner of cheating.

1. Get the Facts

If you suspect your husband is having an affair, your first reaction may be to react with anger or threats. But try not to act impulsively, recommends Circle of Moms member Tangela. Before you accuse your husband of infidelity, get the facts. “God gave a woman intuition, not just for the mother in her, but also for the wife/spouse,” says Tangela, adding that "only you know the signs" and that "everything that is done in the dark will come to the light."

More importantly, she cautions women in this situation to get proof before doing something rash, like packing up the kids and leaving: "As long as there is no harm being done to you physically or verbally, I say wait before you leave so you can have your evidence. . . .you will know the truth and [won't] have to wonder if you made a mistake.”

 

2. Confront Your Husband

Many Circle of Moms members urge their peers to confront their husbands before doing anything drastic. As Circle of Moms member Ricky P. puts it, “Talk to your hubby and let him know that you think he is cheating. . . . Explain to him the reasons why you think he is (no matter how small or stupid you think the reasons are) and let him tell his story or explain why he is doing what he is doing."

Even if the confrontation confirms your worst fears, Christy P.'s story gives hope that it can be the beginning of reconciliation. “I confronted my husband on [his affair with  my friend] and told him that he was basically cheating on me,” says Christy. “I flipped out and after a big blow up and a few long heartfelt talks, things changed for the better, much better."

3. Get Relationship Counseling

Finding out your spouse is cheating on you emotionally or physically (or both) can be extremely overwhelming. As Circle of Moms members Anne S. recommends, “I would definitely recommend a professional’s help. Then [your husband] can sort out if he wants to move on with or without you. Have a good sit down with him and see what’s really left in your relationship.”

 

4. Decide Where Trust Ends

At some point, you need to decide if you can still trust your husband, whether he's cheating or not. Erin L. points out that a lack of trust is simply bad for a marriage. She not only won't abide outright infidelity, she won't stay with a man who she suspects "would like to be having sex with my friends." And, she adds, she would absolutely let a man go "If he fell in love with" someone else.

Amber N., who has left two men because of their infidelities, feels the same: “My ex couldn't believe that I would leave him for cheating on me. He kept saying, ‘I know you love me.’ I said, ‘Yep, I do love you. But I love myself more.’ That's what it came down to the end to me. I didn't feel as if I could look myself in the mirror every morning and still love myself if I stayed.”

5. Give an Ultimatum and Be Ready to Move On

If your husband continues an affair despite all your efforts to remedy the situation, it's time for an ultimatum. You can’t mend your relationship with a third party wedged in the middle, explains Alyssa H. "Forbid contact with the other woman. You need to make sure there is no contact between the woman and him ever again. If you think they are fooling around, that’s when you pack up and don’t let him explain and you leave while you still have your self respect."

Many Circle of Moms members also recommend moving on if you suspect your husband is cheating a second time. “I've been cheated on before, and I did not stick around,” says Amber N.

Have you ever suspected your husband was having an affair?

Image Source: Caven Images via Flickr/Creative Commons

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

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Lara14766122 Lara14766122 1 year

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OnyinyechiNwankpa1380323072 OnyinyechiNwankpa1380323072 2 years
Women try and engage yourself more,look good,go to work,ve fun with your kids and friends,dont let men way U down,marriage ends on earth,we dont ve one in heaven,pls l will advice all womnen to make sure they try to ignore men no matter what they are doin? If U confront him and he still misbehaves,move on with your life and forget about him,if U die today,he will marry anoda woman! Love U all!
TaraSimpson13546 TaraSimpson13546 2 years
I dont know if I could forgive cheating. Especially since my bf of 8 years knows how often Ive been cheated on and how it has affected my self esteem and confidence in men. Hed have to be one evil man to do that to me knowing how hard it was for me to put myself back together to be in the place I am now.
CoMMember1363118830017 CoMMember1363118830017 2 years
The other woman ratted out my husband, I guess she felt guilty about him cheating on me and hurting our family (better late than never I suppose). It took much Christian counseling and prayer and still takes a LOT of work but we are doing the work. I had NO idea this was going on I trusted everything he said and did, I was TOTALLY blind-sided. But as the months go by it gets a little bit better and it will be worth it. Eventually.
Aurora14902311 Aurora14902311 2 years
my opinion is the same it was when i left my ex husband. if i am not important to you post cheating, i won't be anything important to you after cheating. once a cheater always a cheater. if you are worth that little to a guy, leave. simple. you don't want your kids picking up on that do you? your sons thinking cheating is ok? your daughters thinking its ok to be cheated on? My ex husband cheated. I found out after i left him for other things he was doing. a neighbor friend of mine slept with him, another was approached but turned him down. why should i let anyone touch me if they don't care where they are putting it?
cp1997 cp1997 2 years
My husband had an affair with another woman when I have just given birth to our 2nd son 12 years ago. I agree that we, wives, have the instinct to know when our husband is cheating. Caught him exchanging sweet nothings in the middle of the night. I knew he was texting another woman so the moment he slept, I opened his cellphone and read the messages. I woke him up, confronted him right there and then and even called the woman on the phone. The woman said, they were 'together' for almost a week already. I asked her if she knew he was married and she said yes. Hearing that, I turned to my husband telling him that all I wanted from that moment on was for him to leave the house. He was shocked and sorry, and could not say anything except 'it was only a fling!'. Fling or not, he hurt my feelings. The next day and over the next 3 weeks, I started ignoring him. Flowers or anything he gave me meant nothing. I spent hundreds of hours crying - I could not accept the fact that he cheated on me! I was just waiting for him to leave the house, and one day, I knew he would. I was wrong though. On the 4th week after the confrontation, he burst into tears one night, hugging me, asking for forgiveness and swearing he will never do it again and that the last thing he wanted to happen was for us to be apart. That night, I forgave him after a very long heart-to-heart talk and with an agreement and understanding - that he had to prove to me he was really sorry; that it is a fact that my trust will no longer be 100% from then on; that the next time it happens again, no single word will be uttered and I will simply walk away with our kids. Life had been different since then. We haven't had any major fight. Our family, and our life as husband and wife, are happier than ever.
AnnePinches7345 AnnePinches7345 2 years
My husband cheated and now has a baby with that woman. He is my stepson. Long story short, I have forgiven my husband, we are stronger now than ever before. God chose to grow our family in a very unconventional way. I'm not saying its always easy, but we are committed to each other and not letting go over it.
JustinaWillis JustinaWillis 2 years
My husband, to my best knowledge, has never cheated on me. But, if he did, I would forgive him. Here's why. We have been together nearly a decade. We have two awesome children and a pretty normal, if not boring, life. Sometimes, in the day to day I can see where I no longer make him feel like a superstar, even though I do try to often. We both work full time and opposite shifts. I believe that if my husband did cheat that it would mostly be because someone else was making him feel manly and confident as and good about himself, and not because he didn't love me or the kids. I know he'd feel extremely guilty. I would definitely feel hurt and upset but it wouldn't end our marriage on my side. Sometimes I hurt for my husband because I see him everyday doing the right things and the daily grind and getting little in return because we have little money. I do praise him, we do still go on dates and have sex. I'm not saying we don't. And like I said I don't believe he's cheated, ever. And I haven't on him. There is a level of respect there as well as love and commitment. But if he did cheat I think I could understand. Life is not glamorous or cut and dry.
LillianaValle LillianaValle 2 years
Well I don't know what advice to offer about forgiving/staying with a cheating husband. Only they know why they cheat. I come from a long line of cheating men: my grandfather (my mothers father) cheated on my grandmother, my father cheated on my mother, many of my uncles have cheated on my aunts (my mothers sisters), my only brother has cheated on his wife, but not after they were married...my husbands father cheated on his wife and even has a kid from that one night stand. I'm not wasting my life away worried if my husband will one day cheat on me, or keeping tabs on him or nothing like that because I have complete trust in him. He knows that if he ever cheated on me I won't leave him because I've already invested too much of my life in this man, but I will make his life a living hell :) and the woman too lol.
IndiaSilva1373475254 IndiaSilva1373475254 2 years
I myself couldn't stay with someone who cheated on me. I trust my husband to the fullest and I love him dearly. But if he came home tonight and told me he cheated, it would be over. That's a very hard thing to get over. Trust is everything and once its gone that's it. And to Anonmom whatever him wife is or isn't doing isn't any of your business. You are wrong for being with someone else's husband. If
Auroarah3919400 Auroarah3919400 2 years
I don't agree. ONCE a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater, and they take you in the downward spiral with them. He knows that he can use and abuse you in many ways. And IF he wants to get caught for attention of it all from you, he will let himself. I watched my step dad cheat on my mom, she let it ride for 30 yrs. When she found out I knew, she got mad at me. MY Ex husband cheated on me our whole marriage. I was accused of screwing my best friends husband and all the men I worked with every time he screwed some chick. It didn't dawn on me until the end that was what had happened. But I could never prove it because All I did was work to support us and the kids because he wouldn't. Sure, he would work, but that wasn't to support us. And I didn't have time to run around and find out. It all came to light when I lost my job and our son was 9 months old. My Ex beat me up, shot up the house and then it ended after they hauled him off to jail. So to any woman who finds her man cheating on her, there must be a good reason, the one he'll give you is not enough sex. Get out while you can and find a man who is honest, loving and will care for you. Yes, I'm bitter. But I earned it.
DeeUttermohlen DeeUttermohlen 2 years
This is a tough one for me.I did not love my ex-husband by the time I caugt him in an affair - but I certainly expected better than an affair. After 24 years of marriage, 5 years of which was trying to have our child, 7 of which I supported him while he played "entrepreneur" - he jumpedinto bed with a woman he worked with, and told me that if I wanted him back, I would have to wait to see if his girlfriend's OTHER boyfriend or her HUSBAND stepped out of the picture. I was door number 3 - so he got door number one, out of my life. I really just wished he had asked for a divorce - it would have been less painful and we would probably have ended with less anger and acrimony.
VickieSanchez21124 VickieSanchez21124 2 years
AnonMom you're trying to justify your cheating with a married man by blaming his wife for his indiscretions. That's disrespectful. You only know what lies he tells you. You're wrong so matter what way you looking at this situation. You had a failed marriage now you're contributing to the failure of someone's else. It's sad. What message are you sending to your kids. Know your self worth and stop settling for being a sideline woman! Have some self respect.
makwena1378756340 makwena1378756340 2 years
Women must stop making themselves available for other men, there was this guy at work he use to call me and we use to chat on the phone he asked me out I aasked him doesn't he have a wife he said he does they fight a lot I told him I don't want to be involved with a guy that is in a relationship he said he got so angry he told me I think I'm better I told him the fact that I said no makes me better so I'm just saying this days a man has either a wife or girlfriend so we as women should learn to say no cause a man will cheat on his pregnant wife cause they always want to stick their things every where
makwena1378756340 makwena1378756340 2 years
Women must stop making themselves available for other men, there was this guy at work he use to call me and we use to chat on the phone he asked me out I aasked him doesn't he have a wife he said he does they fight a lot I told him I don't want to be involved with a guy that is in a relationship he said he got so angry he told me I think I'm better I told him the fact that I said no makes me better so I'm just saying this days a man has either a wife or girlfriend so we as women should learn to say no cause a man will cheat on his pregnant wife cause
AnonMom AnonMom 2 years
I know most of you don't want to hear from the other side of the fence, but for what it's worth, I'll try to add a few thoughts. I've been divorced from a substance abusing, physically violent, emotional bully - who NEVER cheated on me, so my Bible believing friends condemned me for getting divorced (adultery is the only legitimate reason for divorce, if I had been a better wife, more submissive, prayed harder, had more faith, etc etc - needless to say, I'm not a church goer anymore) for over 20 years. A few years post-divorce - -about 3 -- I became friends with a really nice man, who was and is married. It was a great, amazing friendship for two or three years; we have a lot of common interests that his wife doesn't share and isn't interested in sharing, and we get along extremely well - we've never had a major disagreement. He's been the dad my sons never had; going to their events and celebrations, helping with schoolwork, with career planning, dispensing advice and doing "guy" things with them (he never had kids of his own, the wife didn't want any even though he did). After a few years of just friendship, our relationship went to the next level. I felt bad about it in a lot of ways; I thought he should get a divorce first, but that was his decision to make, not mine. I stopped feeling guilty though, when his father became ill 1500 mies away and even though she was asked to go with him and help out, even though her FIL wanted to see her one last time, even though she was NEEDED, she refused to make the trip because it would cut into her vacation plans with her sister (they take separate vacations, btw). I ended up spending several weeks with him, helping out and taking on the responsibilities she should have been assuming. She's never raised any questions, even through all the years he came to my house every day first thing in the morning for breakfast, picked up the lunch I packed for him, came home and ate dinner with me and the boys - and we spent every weekend out doing things together (even washing HER car!). We took trips together - we were out of state when she called to say her father had died, and wanted HIM to make the calls to her mother and step mother, and do all the things she should have done when his father died. Three years ago, I had to move 1200 miles away to care for my mother. He not only helped me move, but he visits about once a month - including spending Christmas holidays - and is finally planning to retire, divorce and move here so we can have our life together. I understand why she doesn't question him or do anything to rock the boat. She has a comfortable lifestyle, her own separate and apparently fulfilling life, he pays all the bills and gives her extra spending money in addition to the salary she earns, and she doesn't have to cook or do his laundry (he drops everything off at the cleaners other than what he washes himself). I'm not proud of being in an affair, but I'm way past feeling guilty or thinking that I'm hurting her in any way. She's as much responsible by her actions and inactions for the loss of their marriage.
Patricia14895899 Patricia14895899 2 years
Congratulations Trent you really grew up and I am so happy for you and your family. Every relationship is different, and it is not always the man who cheats, and it is not only because you are not the perfect one, it is often their own insecurities. They had a dad who did it, or his best friends cheat, or if he doesn't "test" the waters he may miss out on something. If you really "LOVE" and I mean truely LOVE him then fight for your relationship, I stress the LOVE for a reason, real love is not, OH I don't know what I would do by myself, it is not he is the only one who understands me, it is not "I don't work who will support us", You have to identify honest to God, till death do us part "LOVE" oh and he has to feel the same way, if not it is a lost cause and you should separate and find someone in the same book as you. If you can both find that love then you may have a chance. Whichever one cheated has to come clean and tell the OTHER OTHER to get lost, this is best done as a couple. Then be very careful building trust again, get counseling, let each other know how important the relationship is, and how much you want to grow old together. If you are committed to making it work, it will.
NicoleDuval1361555615 NicoleDuval1361555615 2 years
this is the dumbest article I have ever read. staying with a cheater? no thanks! that is degrading yourself to their level. I am perfectly happy leaving them in the dust and being independent and depending on my own self. Kids or no kids, what a unhealthy relationship that would be to stay!
Nera2525 Nera2525 2 years
I will not cope with it ever, if he does that I will show him a door.
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