Consuello S.'s husband is having an affair with a woman at work. “At first I ignored it," says this Circle of Moms member. But then the evidence began to mount. First she noticed he was erasing calls on his cell phone, then a colleague of his approached her, "and suggested I open my eyes.”
Alicia S., another mom in this situation, got wind more directly: her best friend confessed she was having a relationship with Alicia’s husband!
As discussions on Circle of Moms show, Consuello and Alicia are not alone. Many women who've suspected their husbands of cheating seek help on Circle of Moms. But there are also many moms out there who have dealt with a cheating partner and who offer wise words and coping strategies. Here, culled from their conversations, are five approaches you can take to getting your world back in control when you suspect your partner of cheating.
1. Get the Facts
If you suspect your husband is having an affair, your first reaction may be to react with anger or threats. But try not to act impulsively, recommends Circle of Moms member Tangela. Before you accuse your husband of infidelity, get the facts. “God gave a woman intuition, not just for the mother in her, but also for the wife/spouse,” says Tangela, adding that "only you know the signs" and that "everything that is done in the dark will come to the light."
More importantly, she cautions women in this situation to get proof before doing something rash, like packing up the kids and leaving: "As long as there is no harm being done to you physically or verbally, I say wait before you leave so you can have your evidence. . . .you will know the truth and [won't] have to wonder if you made a mistake.”
2. Confront Your Husband
Many Circle of Moms members urge their peers to confront their husbands before doing anything drastic. As Circle of Moms member Ricky P. puts it, “Talk to your hubby and let him know that you think he is cheating. . . . Explain to him the reasons why you think he is (no matter how small or stupid you think the reasons are) and let him tell his story or explain why he is doing what he is doing."
Even if the confrontation confirms your worst fears, Christy P.'s story gives hope that it can be the beginning of reconciliation. “I confronted my husband on [his affair with my friend] and told him that he was basically cheating on me,” says Christy. “I flipped out and after a big blow up and a few long heartfelt talks, things changed for the better, much better."
3. Get Relationship Counseling
Finding out your spouse is cheating on you emotionally or physically (or both) can be extremely overwhelming. As Circle of Moms members Anne S. recommends, “I would definitely recommend a professional’s help. Then [your husband] can sort out if he wants to move on with or without you. Have a good sit down with him and see what’s really left in your relationship.”
4. Decide Where Trust Ends
At some point, you need to decide if you can still trust your husband, whether he's cheating or not. Erin L. points out that a lack of trust is simply bad for a marriage. She not only won't abide outright infidelity, she won't stay with a man who she suspects "would like to be having sex with my friends." And, she adds, she would absolutely let a man go "If he fell in love with" someone else.
Amber N., who has left two men because of their infidelities, feels the same: “My ex couldn't believe that I would leave him for cheating on me. He kept saying, ‘I know you love me.’ I said, ‘Yep, I do love you. But I love myself more.’ That's what it came down to the end to me. I didn't feel as if I could look myself in the mirror every morning and still love myself if I stayed.”
5. Give an Ultimatum and Be Ready to Move On
If your husband continues an affair despite all your efforts to remedy the situation, it's time for an ultimatum. You can’t mend your relationship with a third party wedged in the middle, explains Alyssa H. "Forbid contact with the other woman. You need to make sure there is no contact between the woman and him ever again. If you think they are fooling around, that’s when you pack up and don’t let him explain and you leave while you still have your self respect."
Have you ever suspected your husband was having an affair?
The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.