To see what made me want to pull my hair out, just read more.
In the end, it was the Bjorn and a trip to the bathroom that saved us from helter skelter. I strapped his chubby legs into the carrier and took him to the lavatory where I sang lullabies and caressed his brow. The trick was keeping the door shut without locking it. Locking it enables the bright fluorescent lights, which startled my already hyper child, but leaving the door unlocked allowed other passengers to believe the room was available. After 10 minutes of planting my foot at the door, swaying and soothing, he finally drifted off to dreamland. I made my way back to the seat and rested for an hour before he was startled all over again. Thankfully the end was near and we all made it to our destination alive and well, let's just say alive.