8 Surefire Ways to Drive Your Childless Friends Insane

Updated on 10/29/2014 at 10:38 AM

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Whether you were the first in your social circle to become a parent, or everyone's got kids of their own, there's no doubt that the dynamics of friendship change once children enter the picture. That's not to say that you should restrict your socializing to only spending time with other moms; rather, you should take the necessary steps to maintain the friendships that matter most — whether there are kids involved or not.

If you're a mom and you're spending time with a friend who isn't, steer clear of these eight behaviors that'll undoubtedly make them want to silence your calls. Because seriously, no one wants to speak in baby talk over a bottle of red. Trust us!

Sharing TMI About Anything Pertaining to the Human Anatomy

As a general rule of thumb, if her most frequently used app is from Fisher-Price, potty talk, mastitis, episiotomies . . . that's all fair game. If her most frequently used app is Tinder, spare her the gory details. If she has kids of her own someday, you can loop her into the grossness then.

Employ the All-Encompassing "We"

Even as a mom, this one drives me nuts. Times it's OK to use the word "we" in reference to yourself and your child/children:

"We went out to dinner at that new Italian place."
"My parents said we should come visit them for the holidays."
"We spent four hours in the car yesterday."

Times it's really not OK to use "we" in reference to yourself and your children:

"We're finally potty training!"
"We're super into Thomas the Tank Engine these days."
"We would love to join you, but we tend to get fussy around 4 o'clock.

Got it?

Share Anywhere in Excess of Three Photos in One Get-Together

We're willing to bet that thanks to social media, your friends already know what your kids look like — no matter how frequently or infrequently you see them in person. So if you're getting together for coffee, lunch, whatever, don't turn it into a viewing party.

"Mmm, mmm" Her While You Text Your Sitter

Your time together is already probably pretty limited, right? So, instead of reminding the babysitter (or dad) that there are cut-up oranges in the fridge, he likes his blue PJs more than his red ones, and to bring the beloved blankie if they leave the house, be present in the moment. Leave your ringer on loud so that if they really need to reach you, they can. Otherwise, focus on what your friend is saying . . . and enjoy the break!

Speak in Baby Talk

No "ouchies," no "sippies," no "milky." Just no.

Downplay What's Happening in Her Life

If the third date that she just went on is what's on her mind, give her a chance to talk about it. The fact that motherhood has become the focal point of your life doesn't lessen the importance of what your friend has going on. Be a great listener, give advice if she's asking for it, and always be supportive.

Act Like You're Completely Oblivious to Life Beyond Baby

Current events? Clueless! Seen any good movies lately? Who has the time!? Don't isolate yourself in mommy mode. Be prepared to be part of a multidimensional conversation, not one that's all about bedtime and the carpool line. (Added bonus: you'll probably really enjoy it!)

Pull the Smug Mom Card

"You'll understand once you have kids" should never, ever, ever (ever, ever) come out of your mouth. Maybe she doesn't want kids. Maybe she'd love to have kids but hasn't met the right person or gotten pregnant yet. Regardless, this is really obnoxious. Save the in-the-trenches motherhood stories for your mom friends — if you don't think she'll care and/or "get it," spare her the dirty details.