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Mommy Dearest: Best Friend Can't Stand My Son

Mommy Dearest: Best Friend Can't Stand My Son

Mommy Dearest,

I'm a 30-year-old single mom with a son who is 3. He's a busy boy so I keep him occupied with lots of sports and activities. Since his father isn't in the picture, I take him everywhere with me.

My relationship with my best friend is strained as a result. She doesn't have patience when he whines or misbehaves and always suggests I get a babysitter so we can hangout alone. I miss my friends, but know my job as a mom is more important. What should I do?

— Moved to Mommyland

To read the response from Mommy Dearest,

.

Moved to Mommyland,

Your friend seems rather direct in her approach so I think it's appropriate to respond accordingly. Tell her that you value your friendship, but your son comes first. And, that little kids aren't perfect so she'll have to learn to put up with a bit of whining and misbehaving here and there. If she objects, find a new friend. If someone isn't treating your son well, that should be a deal breaker.

— Mommy Dearest

Submit a question for this feature at the Mommy Dearest Group on TeamSugar.

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kristyy kristyy 7 years
I value the time spent with my friends to catch up. Just because I'm not a mother doesn't mean I don't have a busy schedule. Bringing your kid along for some visits is okay if finding a sitter is really a problem. Your friend should be understanding of that. But for ALL visits, you're being inconsiderate of your friend's time. Sure, being a mommy is your first priority. But that doesn't mean you are entitled to forget about everyone else's feelings and make your kid their priority as well. You are just causing your own alienation from friends. Don't blame them. Her requests are reasonable and it's your job to control your kid. You need to face the fact that no one else in the world will tolerate your kid better than you. And for those of you who are saying the friend needs to accept it, it's not fair for the mother to think that the world now revolves around them and that everyone has to love their "wonderful blessing." The kid is wonderful to you, not me. Just as my dog is wonderful to me, not you. That's my opinion and I'm entitled to it, but I don't force it upon others.
HolliGolightly HolliGolightly 7 years
Get a babysitter. Not everyone will appreciate you child's "unique" personality. I'm sure having some time alone to hang out with an adult will be fun.
Kristinh1012 Kristinh1012 7 years
I would tell her that I value the friendship, but if there isn't a way for you to spend time with her alone, I just wouldn't bother anymore. She doesn't have kids, so she just isn't going to get it. Personally if anyone ever acted like that toward me because of my child, I would just let them be. I'm sure that you value the friendship too, so you should maybe try to find someone to baby-sit once in a while for alone time that could be very rewarding for you also. But if that is just not an option, talk to her explain the situation and let her know that it's not easy for you all the time either and as a parent you don't choose anyone over your child, just so she knows.
nyarce nyarce 7 years
some people who do not have children will not have the patience and your child does not need to pick-up on any of her "i wish this kid wasn't here" vibes. that is just not good for your boy. children are so intuitive. in any event, seriously, the father is not around to help you out in this situation (pick-up your son for a few hours so that you and your antitoddler friend can get a mani-pedi together)... so your friend needs to either help you out and learn how to adore this blessing of a boy her best friend has in her life and deal with his normal toddler behaviors (which pass with time) or BEAT IT!
mbrown81 mbrown81 7 years
Sounds to me that she is doing a great job keeping him busy with activities and spending quality time with him. As for being a single mother I commend her in doing it on her own and having her priorities in order. If she can manage get to get a sitter for a bit thats great, but if not. Her so called friend needs to learn how to deal or get lost. By the way shopper90210 I'm sure she doesn't consider herself stuck with a kid. Kids are a part of life learn some respect and patience. To me she is blessed with a happy, healthy little boy.
secrethoughts secrethoughts 7 years
I think that it's normal for people who don't have children to not be as patient with children as people who have them. I think that while your friend needs to be a little bit more sensitive, you should also take her suggestions and feelings into consideration. Whenever people are out with the toddler, the toddler inadvertently and necessarily becomes the center of whatever is going on. Is he hungry? Is he tired? Is he bored? Is he shaking salt all over the table? Plus, there are lots of things that adults can't say, do, or discuss around little kids. Every once and awhile, it probably would be nice for both you and your friend if you'd get a sitter and enjoy some real, uninterrrupted adult time. If a sitter is too expensive, I thought the other commenters' suggestions about having your friend over after you son goes to sleep were great too!
stina829 stina829 7 years
You need to explain that being a momma comes first! Just like pretty much everyone else has said. Same problem here, only my friend already has two children that are hell on wheels (10 and 1 1/2). My boy is only 5 1/2 months and she complains that I never do anything with her... Well, we have what I like to call a "Schedule" which she does not have with her children (which may be why my son is sleeping thru the night at 5 1/2 months and her son has never slept thru the night). And she always wants to hang out when it's normally dinner time or play time - she never has time over the weekends. But - my main priority is my son. Everything else is second. Just be honest with your friend. Maybe she just doesn't "get" it.
lickety-split lickety-split 7 years
now see that above me? THAT is what your child doesn't need to be exposed to. someone who thinks your son is something other than the wonderful blessing that he is. how ugly is that attitude for someone 3? time for some new friends.
shopper90210 shopper90210 7 years
Why dont you control your kid? Im sure your friend has a point. Most people dont realize how annoying their screaming out of control child is too other people. Just bc you are stuck with a kid doesnt mean your friend has to be too.
jessie jessie 7 years
I think its time to let the friendship go for now. Maybe one day when she has kids she'll understand.
lickety-split lickety-split 7 years
omg! bye-bye "friend". why would you put up with this? it's only going to get worse as he gets older. his dad isn't in his life so you need to be EXTRA protective of the vibes he's getting from the world. keep him away from this woman. if it were me i'd already be done with her. as for whinning and misbehaving; if you can't act 3 when you're 3 when can you? he shouldn't have to worry about seeking the approval of the adults in his life he's little, this is when the world adores him. she goes!
LiLRuck44 LiLRuck44 7 years
I agree, and I certainly wouldn't make any excuses, such as he's only 3, or he needs you right now. Your children come first, if she wants to hang out alone she can come over for some wine... the alcoholic kind... after he has gone to bed.
Brendelwoman Brendelwoman 7 years
Maybe more than disliking your son she is actually feeling like you don't you don't value the friendship enough to have one on one time with her every once in a while. Even as a mom myself I really look forward to times with my friends alone. I don't want the friendships to be all about the kids - talking about the kids, and constantly defining myself as a mom. If you were to try a babysitter I bet she would be more patient and loving toward your son during the other times.
duck-duck-goose duck-duck-goose 7 years
It's totally normal for childless people to experience impatience and frustration around young children. They haven't been compelled to deal with those obstacles in their life. (I wish *I* didn't have to deal with whining and bad behavior, but it comes with the territory.) Give her a bit of room to become adjusted (remember, you've had three years to get the hang of things), inasmuch as she doesn't express her impatience by becoming short-tempered with your son. Let her know that you get frustrated too, but you've become accustomed to the challenges of children because you had no other choice, really. Tell her that you want to be available for your son and don't feel drawn to leave him more often than necessary at this point in your lives. Then invite her over for an evening get-together at your place, after he has gone down for bed. Reassure her that your individuality isn't disintegrating, and also honor her request for one adult-only get together. (You'll manage another in your own good time.)
mini_pixie mini_pixie 7 years
i agree, too. my daughter is (mostly) well behaved, but like all two-year-olds, she does throw fits now and again. My friends and family are pretty understanding, but if anyone were to act like she was a bad kid or i'm a bad parent, i would think twice about hanging out with them. I wouldn't want my girl to pick up on someones vibes of dislike and think she was the problem. some people just don't like kids, and i don't have time for that.
SugarKat SugarKat 7 years
I agree. However, every now and again, it's really nice to just relax without kids. Maybe once in a while, do get a sitter if only for a few hours so that you can have some mommy time. Maybe your new friend will both have kids and you can share a sitter while you go shopping or to a movie!
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