Reasons Moms Are the Ultimate Drinking Buddies For Anyone

Moms, especially those of us with young children, don't get a lot of opportunities to let loose and go crazy on a night out. Our youthful days of beer pong, dance clubs, and (fun-induced) hangovers are buried deep in our pasts underneath mountains of laundry and approximately 300 sippy cups without matching lids. We moms rise with the sun — or our sons, whichever rise first — and can frequently be found asleep in our kids beds by 8 p.m. Personally, I can't remember the last time I drove after dark, let alone partied until dawn.

However, if you really think about it, being a mom has actually turned us into the perfect drinking buddies.

First of all, every mom who's made it through the toddler years has become intimately acquainted with a range of bodily fluids. We've been peed on, wiped explosive diarrhea from our hair, and almost certainly attempted to catch vomit in our hands at least once (Don't do it. It doesn't work). Nothing fazes us.

Not to mention, those of us with daughters can probably also tie a braid into a semilimp or manically uncooperative head faster than last night's tequila can hit the toilet. I can't tell you the number of times I've braided my toddler's hair while she runs laps around my kitchen. It can be done. So anyone who worries about puke splashing onto their hair after a night out can rest easier knowing there's a mom around.

We moms also have very little pride left after years of creative breastfeeding in public, tantrum defusing, and attending Disney on Ice performances. If someone is needed to break the ice at a party and put the other guests at ease (you know, make them feel better about themselves), moms are happy to play the fool. We'll dance whether there's music playing or not, plus we all know every word to "Let It Go" and we're not afraid to use that.

Sometimes on a night out, partiers have been known to neglect taking care of their basic needs. It's important they stay hydrated, eat enough to keep their blood sugar levels up, and make sure to visit the restroom on a regular basis. Moms are experts at monitoring these needs since it is our primary purpose in life to keep alive tiny creatures who seem to go out of their way to get themselves maimed or killed at every turn. We also tend to have snacks in our purses at all times.

To that end, moms also seem to know all the doctors. We have them on speed dial (you never know when they'll come in handy). We are also experts at negotiating unreasonable and belligerent requests on a daily basis. You think putting your drunk friend in an Uber is a challenge? Try strapping an angry toddler into his car seat against his will. Might as well wrestle a rabid wolverine.

And there isn't a sloppy drunk around who can rival a toddler's ability to stumble into everything. Especially if it's breakable. Our reflexes are highly acute and lightning fast. I once caught my mother-in-law's crystal vase with my foot.

And one final reason that moms make excellent drinking buddies: we are always happy to be the designated driver. We drive minivans, which means we can pack at least seven (more if they don't mind getting cozy) dizzy, hollering, hysterical drunks into our cars and see them safely home at the end of the night.

So as it turns out, every college student or YOLO-inspired binge drinker should take along a token mom on all their big nights out.

It's just good sense, which they'd know if they listened to their mothers.